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Workaholic or just not interested?


love4life

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Hi all,

Been awhile since I've posted a thread on eNA. Well, I'm back on the dating scene and would like some input.

 

So I met a guy online a few weeks ago. We met up for coffee one day - had a 4-hour date that went well. I emailed him a couple days later letting him know when I was available and we got together that Friday night. That date also went well - we met up at 9pm, had dinner, saw a movie, and got drinks until the bar closed.

 

He followed up after the second date and we got together this past Friday - although he didn't firm up plans until the day of. We ended up spending 8 hours together, and this date included hanging out at his place and having our first kiss(es). Seemed to me all went well and that we'd definitely be getting together again.

 

I texted him the next night to say thanks and that I hope to do it again soon, and he followed up saying he had fun as well. A couple of chit-chatty txts passed and it's now been three days since any kind of contact has passed between us.

 

I'd like to see him again, but kind of feel like I did my part in letting him know I want to get together again. Do I follow up and ask specifically if he's available on XX Day at XX time? Or just leave the ball in his court?

 

A couple things about him: he's new to the area, is self-employed and works A LOT. I know that he sometimes pulls all-nighters to get stuff done; lives by to-do-lists; and even ended his last relationship a few months ago because he didn't have the time to devote to the girl.

 

So...do I take his lack of contact to mean he's not interested or just that he's been too busy given his workload?

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Hey there!

Did he initiate the first two? I would give it another day or two and then ask him if he wants to meet up on the weekend. Maybe he wants to see if you'll initiate, or maybe he's just busy. If it's because he's not interested (which it doesn't sound like it is) then he'll decline and atleast you'll know where you stand.

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well, i feel you did your part by telling him you wanted to see him again. so, i think the ball is in his court now. chances are if you met on the dating site, he is also dating others, in addition to his busy life. so, i guess we'll wait and see!!!

 

good luck

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Tough to say what his deal is after so few dates... Honestly, I'd guess that he either a) is a workaholic in which case, at this time, he wants to put work first and you must either accept that or not; b) he's putting you in his rotation and uses work as an excuse with you and 3 other girls.

 

Either way, I'd say not to tie too much emotion up in him too quckly. You did the right thing telling him you'd like to see him again. Perhaps, if an event or an actual reason for an invite comes around, ask him out for that date then. But at this point, he shows you little reason to believe that he's ready to commit.

 

Where do you live? This sounds familiar in a big, bustling city.

 

Good luck,

 

 

Brett

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sounds like he is busy, and sounds like you might need more attention in the rel, then he can give.. so that might not work in the long run..

 

ball is in his court.. let him call you...

 

as a self employed person myself.. i have ended many rel.. because it consumed my time...

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I think you've done more than enough chasing, hon.

 

Just pull back, and if he's interested, he will let you know.

 

But, it doesn't sound like he's too interested, because he doesn't maintain contact with you between dates.

 

Perhaps it's you, or perhaps he's just got intimacy issues, but either way, if it's not meeting your needs, then move on.

 

You deserve to be pursued, so let the guy do that in the future...

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First off, thanks again for all the input - you all make valid points!

 

So, for those of you who may be wondering what happened, last Thursday after not hearing from the guy, I texted and asked if he wanted to see a movie Saturday. He did, so we went and had dinner beforehand (which he again insisted on paying for. I bought the tix ahead of time) and he also offered to pick me up. Again, kiss good night, and this time I said to him in a nice, non-threatening way, that he can *hint hint* call me during the week. He threw out an excuse of sorts, saying that he's busy and not much of a phone talker. I just left it with, "Well, it would be nice. I'd like that."

 

So, the next evening he friended me on Facebook and a couple of wall posts were exchanged (I left the last on Monday).

 

Then, all week - no contact. I'd decided that the ball was in his court and I wasn't going to contact him or keep my schedule open "just in case" I heard from him last minute. I'd pretty much written him off and then I just checked my facebook this morning and he'd sent me a message at 2am saying he'd had such a busy week (worked till 8 or 10 every night) and asked if I want to hang out tonight.

 

I've already made plans for tonight so I suggested Sunday (since he said he's busy tomorrow).

 

So, that's where it stands. If I do end up going out with him again, I'm going to communicate to him what my "communication preferences" are when I'm dating someone and see how he responds.

 

But my gut feeling at this point is that he and I are just on different pages. I'm at a point where I'm ready to make another person a top priority and make the time despite being busy to see him, and I just don't get the sense that he's there.

 

So that's the update!

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I'm at a point where I'm ready to make another person a top priority and make the time despite being busy to see him, and I just don't get the sense that he's there.

 

So, then why let him continue to treat you like an option?

 

I'm sure if you didn't keep pursuing him, you'd never hear from him at all. He treats you like back burner girl, and if this is the best he can do in early dating when trying to woo you, then I would trot along and find someone who is interested in pursuing your fine self.

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  • 1 month later...

L4L,

Long time no "see", girl!

 

What I have learned since my break-up with Jxxx two years ago is that if a man wants to be with a woman, he makes it very clear and HE is the pursuer. The moment women start to pursue is the moment it takes the wrong turn.

 

I have been with my bf for 9 months now and he pursued me like crazy. I didn't have to do anything. I never had to follow-up after a date, I never had to ask when/if he was available for a movie, drinks, etc. He made sure to remain in the picture so I wouldn't be snatched up by someone else. HE was the one thanking me for my company. HE was the one that set up the next date... in fact, he made sure to line up a couple of dates in order to remain in the picture.

 

Many women, without realizing it, fall into the role of the pursuer. This is not natural which is why when we do this, the men lose interest. It's nature. Think of the exotic birds that have the beautiful colors and perform their best mating calls and do the courtship dances. I know it's a weird analogy, but it's very true. Men are wired to try to win the woman. That's why they are so competitive when it comes to strength, money and status.

 

You might also want to pick up the book, "He's just not that into you". It taught me so much and allowed me to not waste time on dead end relationships. Funny thing is that once I didn't get the attention I wanted after the first couple of dates, I completely vanished. It was at that point, they'd start pursuing again. By then, I had lost interest and found someone that was more worthy of my love and affection.

 

Move on from this guy. You're letting him dictate the pace of the relationship and I believe you deserve better than that. If he's not worried someone else is going to steal you away, he's obviously not the type of man that will treat you like a prize worth winning. Think about it.

 

Anyway, I hope you're doing well! Would love to catch up!

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I totally agree with this (at least in the beginning stages of dating - once you are a couple, then I think it's best - and more fun - if both people participate in making plans for dates) and I also know from experience that what extremely busy guys do when they want to date a woman is plan the date far in advance (i.e. if they will be out of town or swamped on a project with a deadline) or they get very creative and find ways to meet for an hour or two here and there, all the while making it clear that the next free night they have they want to spend it with you (and it's obvious that that is the truth) - and usually that free night is within 2 weeks if they're in town.

 

I also know that because for the last 15 years plus I was also the one who was extremely busy most of the time (less so in the last few years) and when I was interested I made the time.

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