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the importance of forgiveness (both self and ex) on moving forward and healing


canali

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I read so often on this forum of people who forgive themselves for their mistakes but I don't hear of the equally (IMO) important other part of this release to forgive the OTHER party, too....due to the pain I experienced with my 2 yr break back in sept I delved heavily into alot of healing processes

esp lately with what just happened,

and have experimented ongoing with journalling, yoga, meditation, CBT, and also into mindfulness and insight meditation practices (see jack kornfield and susan salzberg's well known books on loving kindness meditations and forgivness for some helpful exercises/cds/books ie, i have jack kornfield's book classic 'A Path With Heart' and am really enjoy it alongside with his meditation cd.)....

 

their point is (and I've read it elsewhere, too) is that unless you ALSO forgive the other party, you're still a prisoner and tied to the past bitter chains of emotional wrongs, slights and hurts...in other words you're not fully looking forward....they and others on this subject often talk of how when engaging in loving kindness meditation, for example, can also bring up rage, anger, sadness, too (all part of the release process)...and depending on the extent of the 'betrayal' or hurt, it has to be done patiently and in stages (I have read that prayer achieves similar if engaged daily and with effort).

 

I mean my ex (if you've read my thread

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=273999

told me she never loved me and wasn't attracted to me...but a deep part of me doesn't want to hate her either given we had some wonderful times together and that my heart is broken, too....I mean I learned some valuable lessons of which I am always to be GRATEFUL (another key component to my healing: gratitude in finding lessons from pain) that we only went on for 2 yrs, weren't married and I have yet a better image of what I do want and don't want in a partner....again the process of release in forgiveness can be harder depending on the hurts you have encountered obviously (but let's be honest: most things just don't happen for a reason OR we didn't pay attention to the red flags and do something earlier so alot of our rage is also self directed for feeling vulnerable and stupid).

"He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love." ~Martin Luther King, Jr

 

Your thoughts/insights/experiences/sources/authors (whatever) that have helped you heal and might also help others here, too?

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I like this one long multi paragraphed excerpt below I just read... it resonates with me:

 

''Forgiving your previous partner (all partners) is absolutely key to healing your heart and being able to attract a healthy partner in the future. People who do not forgive and heal end up unwittingly making similar choices in their next relationship, experiencing deja-vu, and asking, "How did this happen to me again?" (boy can I relate to this last line!)

 

More than anything else, the inability to forgive destroys the one who holds the grudge, keeping the person stuck in a pattern of negativity and resentment. Remember that when you are loving and forgiving, the world will always give you that in return. If we consider that our partners did the best they could with where they are and the tools they have, and if we accept radical responsibility for everything that we attract in our lives, we realize there is nothing to forgive.

 

The Laws of Attraction tell us that we are the creators of our reality. So what we need to do is ask why we attracted this experience and what our soul needs to learn from it. From here, we can even move into gratefulness for this partner who has been our sacred mirror and teacher.

 

It's important, then, when a relationship ends to take that time to go inside. Don't keep yourself overly busy to avoid feeling the pain or focusing on angry feelings for the former partner. Instead, take some time to reflect on yourself. Ask God, the Universe, or your Higher Self to help you stay in your heart during this grieving process.

 

It is important to let yourself grieve, to cry if you need to. But don’t indulge indefinitely; give yourself a time limit and do not get lost in grief. You want to get to a place where you can honor and appreciate the gifts you received and release all negative thoughts and emotions about the partner or relationship.

 

If you stay in your heart, you can be grateful for the love that was shared, for all the joy and wonder that your relationship has given you and that can never be erased. Allow the memories of the gifts you received to ease your pain and open your heart even more. Know that love is always a gift. From your heart, think about why you attracted this partner and meditate or pray for guidance in understanding the lessons that your soul needed to learn in the relationship and in the ending of it. Once you understand without any negativity in your heart, you will to be free for greater love and passion.

 

Use this process to grow and to ask yourself how you can be a better partner in your next relationship—and that may include attracting a more appropriate partner.

 

Be very honest in your reflections. Maybe the truth is that you knew from the beginning this wasn’t the right person for you. Maybe there were red flags you ignored. Maybe you realize you were taking your partner for granted. Whatever the truths are, acknowledge them and learn from them.

 

Discard the illusions of victims and blame, and allow yourself to see the truth and learn. If you can learn from this, then your sadness will fade away and be replaced with gratitude for the gifts and growth you received.

 

Once you have worked through any negativity, taken responsibility and are in a place of gratitude, begin to think about the love that you wish to draw into your life in the future. Even though you may not feel ready for a new relationship now, focusing on this while your heart is open can be very helpful.

 

So take some time to envision the relationship that fills your heart’s deepest longing. Feel now a sense of knowing that when it is time, when you are ready, you will attract this partner to you. If you keep an open heart and realize the truth that there is nothing to forgive and only gratitude to hold on to, you will grow and learn, rather than making same mistakes again. And you will be ready to attract the perfect partner the next time around.''

 

your thoughts/quotes/helpful materials?

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Canali... that's a great excerpt.

 

My thoughts: Forgiving is a process I go through that allows me to accept the outcome or method without attaching blame. It works under the assumption that the other person does what they believe is right with the information they have/had. Forgiveness works if the person has the right intentions (even if the outcome or method is unfavorable). Where that does not apply, then letting go works equally well.

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Be very honest in your reflections. Maybe the truth is that you knew from the beginning this wasn’t the right person for you. Maybe there were red flags you ignored. Maybe you realize you were taking your partner for granted. Whatever the truths are, acknowledge them and learn from them.

 

 

i have a hard time with this part. i was in a 6 year relationship...and for the earlier parts of it...there were many times where i didn't feel i was with the right person. but i think i evolved...and learned to appreciate the qualities that made me fall in love. i think this is probably one of the reasons i'm feeling so hurt at this point in time. my evolution was too slow in this case...and i don't think i ever fully enjoyed what it means to be completely in love with someone while they're completely in love with you. it makes me sad.

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