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I want to talk about COMPROMISE and EXPECTATIONS in relationships


mca1975
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relations...
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relationship

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Question 1: When does a compromise turn into "trying to change you"? (I know this question is not worded very well, ha)

 

Question 2: What changes have people had to make for the sake of their relationship?

 

Question 3: Should you not have to change anything about yourself in a relationship?

 

Question 4: Do you feel that people have expectations about how a relationship should be and when that is not met, they feel it is not working and, thereforee, not right?

 

Your thoughts please....

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1. A compromise has to work from both sides, if one cant be met then a problem occurs. Both have to change.

2. I bought a car for the sake of my relationship, didnt help though i got dumped anyways.

3. The only thing i changed is that i would clean my bathroom, bedroom and kitchen before she came over.

4. She certinaly felt that way, thus we are no longer together. Stupid over expectations. No matter how hard i tried or what i did, it wasnt enough for her. She just couldnt life with the differences she saw in me.

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Well, you have to really know yourself and have your own identity going into the relationship. Many people go in and let the relationship be their identity and lose themselves because they've compromised and changed so much.

 

I think doing something you're not comfortable with, something that goes against what you believe in, something you do not want to do..is not a good compromise.

 

All compromises that have been made in my relationship were never an issue. I want to be in this relationship, and I know that a little give and take is going to be required. I do things that he loves, and in return he does things I love.

 

I think part of being in a relationship is creating a bond together and creating a relationship together, and that takes work and compromise. From the big things like spending Christmas Eve with your family and Christmas day with his, to the little things like watching an action movie tonight and a chick flick tomorrow night. There's two of you in a relationship, and both parties need to be satisfied.

 

If you want 6 days a week alone, and he wants to see you 6 days a week. compromise and find a solution you're comfortable with. 3 days?

 

If you're being put out of your comfort zone and feel like you're giving yourself up time and time again, maybe ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship. You can't be 100% independent, you've made a choice to share your life with someone and you do have to give up a little [but with people who want to be in the relationship..most do not see it as GIVING SOMETHING UP] but you get that in return.

 

I can't even list the things we've compromised on. Like I said, they go from small things..where we eat, what we do, what we see, to big things like moving to another city for several years with him [to a city I hate!] but in return he agreed that we would move back home after several years. He is a very different person from me, very social and outgoing and loves to party. I don't. He had no problems compromising and understanding that, and is happy to spend a quiet night indoors and because of that I don't mind going out and getting rowdy with him, even though thats not me. We also compromise on time spent together, two nights together and then we agree to have our respective nights out. In fact I encourage him to have his time and speak up before the need for a compromise is required. If you're given enough space to exercise who you are, most people don't feel like it's bad thing to give their partner something in return so they can be who they are. I think thats the base of a compromise.

 

I've never felt put out or that I've given something up because I'm in a partnership, and give and take is going to happen. You don't have to change WHO you are, I'm still the same girl deep within as I was 5 years ago, in fact I am 100% better. I never lost myself in any of this...the only change comes from the fact that you now share your life with a partner. It's not always your way or no way. Compromises don't have to be extreme and black and white, its working so that both parties are satisfied. If you feel like you're losing too much in the process and compromising is really hard..I'd wonder about the relationship.

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Do both?

Go shopping with him.

Go shopping by yourself.

 

Compromise isn't black and white. If he wants to go shopping, GO. Doesn't mean you need to buy out the mall, make him sit and wait as you try on clothes, etc.

Go back on a different day and do it then, by yourself.

 

Do you think that in your entire relationship over years and years, you two won't go shopping together?

 

If you insist on going alone, well tell him that. That's all you can do. But I certainly think a compromise here is very possible.

 

Maybe its about changing your mind set. You're not losing yourself because suddenly someone wants to shop with you. You can shop by yourself on 6 other days of the week, go with him once! What I was saying is that if this week he lets you go shopping alone, maybe next week you can go with him. Compromises do come naturally with time and if your head is in the right place in the relationship. You have to meet your needs and his needs as well. It's balancing what you want and what he wants. So go this week alone, and accompany him next week shopping. Or in two weeks. Give, take.

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I find this so hard. I want us to work, but I really just have that mindset that I am losing myself or being controlled even with something as small as this. I have been on my own for a long time and its so hard adjusting to having to do things I dont normally do.

 

We have been shopping with each other a few times already and each time we have argued, because I feel under pressure. I don't understand why he can't accept this difference between us.

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you sound like a confident, flexible person. I read some other of your posts and you sound like you have a strong sense of yourself. you see , for me, the smallest things were really scary. I alsways felt afraid to loose him, or to loose myself in the relationhsip. so everything became an issue, a control issue. I come from childhood abuse by my father of course, a lot of psychological and emotioanl abuse mostly. he degraded my mother and brain washed me that she didn,t love me when I went to see him every other weekend. of course it isn't true. my mom loved me. she wasn,t the most emotionally connecte dperson and was very demanding and critical (which I in turn was in my last relationship), but she loved me. my father sound constantly tell me she was a "(bad word for prostitute)", that all her friends and family were bad people, that she hid her money to not buy me things (not true, we were very middle class and she worked hard to provide for me with no allimony. she always provided for piano lessons, braces, little vacations, etc.). HE was the one who wasted his money and abused us. But to preserve the image of the "ideal loving father" that I as a little girl needed, I made myself bad and made myself the one to blame (takes the blame off him). so I aslo of course have huge trust issues.

 

I just realsised all this in my last therapy session. I had been struggling with the idea for years but never really graspped. It really clicked 2 weeks ago. I bring all this up as because of all that, I have a very weak sense of myself. I feel very unconfident, doubting myself constently, etc. anger and fear and worry. Also struggle still with borderline personality disorder... black and white thinking (for example, if I struggle in one area of my life, I am a "failure"... it's "either or" thinking...).

 

anyway just wanted to share that, for some people to various degrees, compromise isn't easy because it makes them feel insecure. a lot of people have control issues in relationships. But I find that your posts are inspiring and I hope one day to be in a happy commited relationship. You are blessed, enjoy your life.

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1MoreChance, thank you for your post!

 

I also doubt myself, worry and suffer with fear and anger a lot, but in other ways I'm very confident. I seem to flit between the two really. I am extremely emotional and sensitive, yet caring but at other times I can go very cold and withdraw. I have always been insecure in my relationships and have also been very needy myself before, but nowadays I am consumed with the fear of engulfment, or of being controlled. It feels like I'm "giving in" to him in compromising, and I fear I will lose my identity, as I have lost my identity very easily in the past, and I want to ensure that never happens again, so its very important to me that he accepts these things I don't feel comfortable doing. I know its a tiny thing, but its very significant to me.

 

We also have been arguing about BACON. Yes Bacon. He is a fussy eater, I'm not, I like everything and even eat weird food. He cuts the fat off his bacon as he is health conscious. I don't, I love the fat on the bacon (though I do not need to worry, I dont have bacon every day of my life or anything) and other than that, I love a lot of healthy food. He started to cut the fat off my bacon and I took this as a huge insult and an invasion on my life. I clearly said to him that I did not want him to do it, but he carried on and did it. It really offended me. I explained this to him, and he has agreed not to do that. He said that with things like this, I should just ignore him and be more confident. I thought I had!

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Question 1: When does a compromise turn into "trying to change you"? (I know this question is not worded very well, ha)

 

Typically when it's a fundamental value.

 

Question 2: What changes have people had to make for the sake of their relationship?

 

I had to mellow out my type A (he is Type B).

 

Question 3: Should you not have to change anything about yourself in a relationship?

 

That's too broad a question. I think change is good when the person is inspired to change. Changing values is typically a bad idea.

 

Question 4: Do you feel that people have expectations about how a relationship should be and when that is not met, they feel it is not working and, thereforee, not right?

 

Some do, some don't. Some people's expectations are limited to wanting a warm body beside them, some people want perfection, there is a huge gray area in between.

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I can relate. fear of engulphment etc....... about the bacon, it's a good example of "silly" stuff that takes on a big meaning for you.. it seems the bacon thisng is actually an illustration of deeper things.... if you like the fat, he shouldn,t be cutting it off (like you said you are not about to have a heart attack and eat it only very occasionally I assume)... so u tell him to leave it alone and he keeps invading your space and ignoring your request... like he is parenting a child that he is trying to put limits upon and install a way of living into.... only you are not his child. but an adult gf.

 

I'm glad my post helped you, I was actually afraid to be babbling on too much about personal stuff unrelated to the topic (or drifting off too much).

take care and hope everything is ok

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I find this so hard. I want us to work, but I really just have that mindset that I am losing myself or being controlled even with something as small as this. I have been on my own for a long time and its so hard adjusting to having to do things I dont normally do.

 

We have been shopping with each other a few times already and each time we have argued, because I feel under pressure. I don't understand why he can't accept this difference between us.

 

I feel exactly the same way about shopping so what I do is when I know I need a specific item I will shop with him but otherwise I won't or we'll separate at the shopping mall and meet up later.

 

The bacon thing would annoy me a lot because I would find it controlling.

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Well I am just feeling so adamant about these things. I want to feel comfortable in this relationship and I know he has the right to aswell, but if he is not prepared to accept these small things and understand why these things mean so much to me, then I fear we are just not compatible and we may both have to let go.

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I just wanted to add that my boyfriend is in no way scary or aggressive. He is a nice bloke. He was laughing when he said he was going to take the fat off my bacon, and I laughed a little at first but it really wound me up and I got a bit more vocal about it. I think he has continued to do it but thinking I wouldn't notice or something. ha

 

I think I'm just really scared to let myself go and be with him fully and give myself to him as such, because I am so very scared of being controlled.

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I think I'm just really scared to let myself go and be with him fully and give myself to him as such, because I am so very scared of being controlled.

 

Have you explained it to him in the same way you are telling us about it? Bring it up when the two of you are relaxed (NOT during a bacon breakfast!) and it may be that he doesn't understand why it really bothers you. He might just see bacon, when the issue is more complex than a slab of meat!

 

My wife and I are opposite when it comes to eating steak. I like eatting the fat, she cuts it all off. We got to the point that when I cook, I leave the fat on, when we sit down to eat, she cuts it off and puts it on my plate. At first, she wanted to start buying more expensive meat! It's all about compromise and working towards a solution rather than a "Who's right, Who's wrong" type of argument.

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Thanks. I did explain this to him last night and he agreed and could see my point. He could see why it annoyed me, but we are still having the shopping argument, even though he has said now that he does accept that I like to shop alone. His argument is that this is how the whole relationship is hindered, with me being so defensive and unwilling to compromise, but my argument is that compromising makes me feel that I am allowing myself to be controlled/changed and that scares me to death.

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I just wanted to add that my boyfriend is in no way scary or aggressive. He is a nice bloke. He was laughing when he said he was going to take the fat off my bacon, and I laughed a little at first but it really wound me up and I got a bit more vocal about it. I think he has continued to do it but thinking I wouldn't notice or something. ha

 

I think I'm just really scared to let myself go and be with him fully and give myself to him as such, because I am so very scared of being controlled.

 

 

OMG I can so relate! You and I need to talk!

the reason I got so critical with my bf was becasue I needed to control everything as I am terrified of being controlled and abused. we make decisions in life and I made the decision, albeit without even consciously being aware of it, that no man would abuse me ever again. Like I said before my fatehr was very psychologically / emotionally abusive and controling and manipulative.

please think about it carefully before you decide that you 2 are not compatible. I too felt that way (about other "silly" stuff), I would get so defensive and scared. I also went through a fear phase, months before he took the first break and then came back and then left me, when I felt scared of engulphment and felt like I couldn't breathe (he was at my place evry night but he lived with his mom so I couldn't go at his oplace and also I wanted some nights alone but was afraid to even sdmit it to myself), yet couldn't set boundaries in a healthy way (I'd withdraw or eventually I would get irritibale and angry, plus I had a severe reaction to hormonal birth control so I ended up being explosive and hostile)... anyway...

 

he ended up leaving me and I'm dying inside. It's been 6 months now and he no longer calls since beginning January... even though he broke it off with a girl he was seeing for about 3 or 4 weeks, he still never calls or emails... yes it's true I said I wanted NC for a while and then I'm the one who breaks it all the time (like 2 nights ago), but poit is, I'm dying inside, I miss him so much and he won't come back... it hurts like hell now, I'm starting to understand the importnce of NC... cause the pain has increased since I talked to him 2 days ago...

 

please... you don't know what you have until it's gone... give it your best before you let him go... I'm not sure my ex did it but he said he did try his best... I was very difficult and I understand why he left.

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when I felt scared of engulphment and felt like I couldn't breathe (he was at my place evry night but he lived with his mom so I couldn't go at his oplace and also I wanted some nights alone but was afraid to even sdmit it to myself), yet couldn't set boundaries in a healthy way (I'd withdraw or eventually I would get irritibale

 

Oh my goodness, you have described exactly what I'm like! You must PM me. I find it impossible to set boundaries in a healthy way and I find it hard asserting confidence with it too, so I just blow up and get angry and irritable. He hasn't got a clue sometimes why I'm so moody with him, though I have explained now, but it's because I feel so resentful towards him as I feel so afraid that he is trying to "take me over" and feel convinced of it sometimes. I look for signs everywhere of it, obssessively! Yet having said that, I have moments where I feel blissfully happy with him and I do feel very secure in the fact that he loves me and wants to be with me, but this leads to me feeling very smothered, very easily, then I will back off and withdraw. Then he will feel hurt and insecure and become needy, then I back off even more!

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Your bf seems like a very good man to me...that's very hard to find these days. I read your past posts about your relationship (I sort of have the same situation), and I say this with all due respect, but I do think that you tend to blow things out of proportion, and maybe you need to work on your issues? I must say I would probably get annoyed by the bacon incident too, but I wouldn't get all irritated and argue over it. Maybe he just wanted to be sweet, and it's just bacon, but maybe to you it is more than just bacon.

 

Sorry to say but it does seem like everything this guy does annoys and irritates you...either you take a look inside you and work on compromising for your part, or maybe he's just not really the right one for you. You can't make something work if it's not workable.

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Question 1: When does a compromise turn into "trying to change you"? (I know this question is not worded very well, ha)

 

When your significant other uses "mind games" to try and guilt you into changing who you are, despite having to sacrifice your own happiness, in order for him/her to enjoy the relationship to a further extent.

 

Question 2: What changes have people had to make for the sake of their relationship?

 

There are so many ways in which I have changed since being with my BF...I could write a novel! Mostly I am less selfish, more motivated to meet my goals and the goals of our relationship and I share a living space with him which is definitely different from singlehood

 

Question 3: Should you not have to change anything about yourself in a relationship?

 

You should not sacrifice your happiness but sometimes change within a relationship can be good. I have actually gained a lot of self-esteem and self-worth from being with my BF. He is so supportive of me and we work well as a team. That has really changed me...and I think if I had been stubborn and not accepted these changes, that the relationship would have failed and the happiness I have gained from these changes would have been lost. Definitely sad to think about!

 

Question 4: Do you feel that people have expectations about how a relationship should be and when that is not met, they feel it is not working and, thereforee, not right?

 

I think the more relationships you go through, the more you realize that concrete expectations just complicate things. I do think a lot of break-ups and divorces occur over this. I think it is best to have a general list of deal-breakers, and to avoid people who fit any of your deal-breakers. From there, anything that is an argument or disagreement between you and your SO should be talked out. I think expectations and I think PRESSURE...no good.

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but I do think that you tend to blow things out of proportionQUOTE]

 

Everybody says this about me, I need to work on myself. When I am feeling relaxed, I am completely happy with him. None of my relationships have worked out in the past and I think that mostly, the problem lies within me.

 

I have had a very positive conversation with him tonight on the phone and I could see clearly, whilst staying calm, that he is not controlling and nor does he have any interest in being controlling. We have discussed the BACON (ha) and I explained to him why the bacon is much more than bacon so to speak and he understood and said that he didn't do it to be controlling, but that is how he prepares it and seeing as he always cooks for me, he just did it that way.

 

We are seeing each other on Friday and I can't wait to see him.

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THE BACON....

 

Ask yourself this:

 

Why does he trim the fat off your bacon?

 

a) Because he is in the habit of trimming fat off bacon. So he just does it without thinking?

 

b) Because he values your good health as much as his own, and he is hoping to convert you to a healthier alternative, which he believes is in your best interest?

 

c) Because he is attempting to whittle away your entire sense of self and exert his way of doing things so that the entire relationship is on his terms. Today it's bacon. Tomorrow, he'll show you the 'correct' way to fold towels, eventually he'll have you doing everything HIS way ( Muahahahaha- [much hand wringing])

 

If it's a) or b), you can deal with it, or cook your own *bleeping* bacon.

 

If it's c) you may want to do a bit more self-reflection...

 

Just sayin'...

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ha ha ha ha ha! Very funny, FurthestEdge, I totally see your point!

 

When I think about it, he actually really values my opinion on things and asks for my advice and even takes it sometimes, which in my experience, is not really a trait of a controlling person.

 

MUHAMUHAMUHAMUHA MUHA AAHHH! LOL

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ha ha ha ha ha! Very funny, FurthestEdge, I totally see your point!

 

When I think about it, he actually really values my opinion on things and asks for my advice and even takes it sometimes, which in my experience, is not really a trait of a controlling person.

 

MUHAMUHAMUHAMUHA MUHA AAHHH! LOL

 

 

I'm curious, does it feel right? I mean, are you really happy when you are around this person, do you share your thoughts and feelings and laugh, do you feel right? or do you think he is only "good for you" and "treats you right"? I'm asking because in the past I chose bfs with my head rather than with my heart. (though the head does play a part too)... I just wanted someone nice and good for me and a bf and was (like discussed before) really afraid of being abused and controlled so wanted someone "nice"... also needed approval and acceptance so chose them for the wrong reason. I satyed with a couple of guys in the past because they were nice but I was never in love with them (even if the sex was good and there was an attraction - the fact that with a couple of exs the sex was great made it ever so much harder to leave)... anyway... I also picked on those guys and got critical and confused too.... wayyyyy confused about whether they were the one for me... I did go through that with my last ex, but I did feel that balance of love, friendship and attraction, as well as respect for his values and character, and an ability to see us together in the future, that I didn't see in my other exes. I felt that I was there for enough of the right reasons and wanted to work it out.

 

unfortunatelly as you know, he didn't.

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