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hi there...

 

recent breakup...6 year relationship. some superficial problems. some not-so-superficial problems. i think most of the problems i had with my ex could have been solved...had i been able to be open about it. i tended to just cut myself off...(obviously hoping that she would read my mind and magically fix the problems that she obviously knew she was causing sounds as ridiculous as it is when i really think about it. i just dont' get it. feels like most of my life i've found a way to push people away. it's been really tough this time...because i'm very much in love. it's devastating to know that my own inability to function emotionally has finally pushed her away. I'm struggling through NC...mostly, at this point, because i dont' want to push her further away. the breakup itself was about as friendly as i could have imagined. it gradually progressed to some very emotional conversations (something that only really happened sporadically in the past). when i think about it...i dunno how she lasted this long. she's always been very in tune with herself emotionally. always able to open up and really express how she's feeling. i just don't get how i could've lived this way...allowing her to give so freely...but never allowing myself to do the same. i've been thinking hard on this...because it's definitely something i need to come to grips with before i can move on. i think...at this point...this is the only thing that's ever stood in the way of this relationship. i mean...we've had other problems...but this one just seems to ensure that nothing ever really gets resolved. i know it's a testament to her love that she's stuck by me this long.

she really wanted this to work. she couldn't commit to the idea that there wasn't a way for this to work in the future either. i think this may have a little to do with our ''breakup conversations''. i think in my heart...i just want to resolve the things that haven't been said. i really think it would be theraputic...for both of us. am i being selfish? i just feel like i owe her something at this point. i dont' think i can make up for years of emotional neglect...but i'd like to make some kind of effort. i think i'm still having a difficult time understanding why i've been this way. i know something has changed...because i've been able to open myself up to other people that i've been shut off towards. i know some huge emotional walls have come down. does that makes sense? maybe i just need more time...it's only been a couple of months. i dont' want to be unfair to her either. i feel like she has a right to know some things; but, like i said, at this point i don't know if i just have a selfish desire to tell her these things. i'm having a hard time trusting myself.

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You don't need to put years of things right. She stayed until recently so you must have offered something. I think she would probably respect you for taking the time to write her something, that she can read on her own time, that admits to some of your 'failings'. That in itself is a big step, and just by doing that, you give her something back.

 

And in the meantime, work out what you can do about. Its great that you see it - i had a similar insight several months ago. Lots of hard work, but i'm determined to be a better partner in the future, whoever that is with.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. You did the best you could do with the tools you had then. Now's the time for more tools! Good luck

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thanks...

 

i just don't want to feel like i'm pleading. that's why i'm thinking it might be better to give it some more time. i want anything i say to be taken as something heartfelt and genuine. i mean...i'd be lying at this point if i said i wasn't hoping for some sort of reconciliation. i think i'd settle for understanding at this point though.

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I wrote to my ex many months ago on a previous break up (its been a bit up and down!!). I didn't ask for anything, or suggest any sort of reconcilliation. I just let her know (9 pages I think!) that i understood how my failings had contributed to the end of things. I found out where it stems from, and what i hoped to do about it. I apologised for making it difficult for her, and wished her well.

 

For me, it has taken a lot of time and effort to get it right. And if the old buttons continue to get pushed it can be impossible to change consistently. So right now, she is gone. But back then, it was enough for her to see me in a different light. As someone who was taking responsibility. And she came back. Didn't work out in the end, but I got another chance.

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No worries mate. Just take your time and do the work to see why you are like you are. See a shrink, read books etc, and get an understanding of why it happens. Don't write too soon, just get some insight first and take it from there. If nothing else, it gives you something constructive to focus on while things are a bit tough.

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