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How long till you give up on someone??


eman88
5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

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After a first date, and then calling someone as a follow-up/to schedule a second date, how long would you wait to hear back from them to respond before giving up hope on that person?

 

I had a date with a girl last Thursday, called and left a message Sunday, and have heard no response yet....how long should I give it?

 

Also, since I had a generally positive feeling about the date, if I don't hear back from her tomorrow, would it be acceptable to send an email follow-up, since I know my phone has recently had a few problems and I want to make sure she heard my voicemail?

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Well I know this girl was away for the weekend and through today, so I figured it might have something to do with that...hence my thought to email her tomorrow with the purpose of making sure she got my voicemail since sometimes my phone's mic is quirky.

 

Thoughts on a brief email....otherwise till the end of the week seems reasonable.

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Well basically, that's your discretion. I don't think anyone can make a judgement on that for you. For example, if you are comfortable chasing a low-interest girl and all it's consequences (i.e. she may friendzone you, cheat on you on a relationship, you may have to jump through lots of hoops for her to notice you while you see her open up effortlessly to another guy she's really intereted in, etc....), THEN BY ALL MEANS, PURSUE HER ALL THE WAY. I think that as a man, you should pursue to the extent that it doesn't become stalking and I think a three-times effort is a great place to draw that line. After all, part of the fun is in the chase, or potentially seeing if you can change that low-interest prospect into a high-interest girl.

 

 

However, I would put some guidelines up.

 

First of all, it doesn't seem that her non-response to you is bothering you, so that's good. I'd say go by the three days and three strikes rule. That is, she has three days to return your call. If she doesn't, then you can try again a second time (or throw away her number if you want) and wait another three days. If she doesn't return, then you can try, yet a third time, and then wait another three days. In the alternative, if you don't want to leave a third messages, some circles will suggest just leaving two, and settle to reach her by phone afterwards before ditching her.

 

Now, you don't have to wait until all three strikes are used up -- you can ditch her right now...it just all depends on how far you want to go.

 

In the meantime you can assume that maybe she's one of the type of girls that doesn't listen to her messages until a week or two later (there are people like that). Generally, try to think positive and maintain a positive attitude about it -- and you'll feel better within yourself that you know that it's really not meant to be since you gave it a full 9 yards.

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Am I right, he only left one message? I think one more attempt at contact would not be too harmful.. I mean it won't do any harm anyway. Maybe send the email, it's the easiest option and if she ignores that too, then yeah she's not interested but at least you get your final closure.

 

I am at the odds with everyone above me though.. haha... but I say do what's best for you, it won't harm things to contact her once more - but will put your mind as ease that she knows you were interested and then it's up to her choice to contact you again.

 

Ammy

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Well, I didn't even need to wait to email her again or anything....she emailed me back this morning saying "I had a lot of fun meeting and talking with you, but unfortunetly I don't really see this going anywhere unfortunetly so I don't think I'm up for a second date. I'm really sorry."

 

So that's that. Again, ugh. I don't get how someone can really judge that "this isnt going anywhere" from a 2 hour date, especially if nothing stood out as 'bad'. Is everyone just trying to figure out if something will work out forever? What about people just deciding to date a little bit and see where something goes? This seems to be the constant situation I encounter....don't know what I could do differently to come off as more interesting, etc. on a first date....

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Well, I didn't even need to wait to email her again or anything....she emailed me back this morning saying "I had a lot of fun meeting and talking with you, but unfortunetly I don't really see this going anywhere unfortunetly so I don't think I'm up for a second date. I'm really sorry."

 

So that's that. Again, ugh. I don't get how someone can really judge that "this isnt going anywhere" from a 2 hour date, especially if nothing stood out as 'bad'. Is everyone just trying to figure out if something will work out forever? What about people just deciding to date a little bit and see where something goes? This seems to be the constant situation I encounter....don't know what I could do differently to come off as more interesting, etc. on a first date....

 

I would be happy with her honesty and straight-forwardness. Most girls cannot muster up that kind of courage.

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Well, I didn't even need to wait to email her again or anything....she emailed me back this morning saying "I had a lot of fun meeting and talking with you, but unfortunetly I don't really see this going anywhere unfortunetly so I don't think I'm up for a second date. I'm really sorry."

 

So that's that. Again, ugh. I don't get how someone can really judge that "this isnt going anywhere" from a 2 hour date, especially if nothing stood out as 'bad'. Is everyone just trying to figure out if something will work out forever? What about people just deciding to date a little bit and see where something goes? This seems to be the constant situation I encounter....don't know what I could do differently to come off as more interesting, etc. on a first date....

 

I can TOTALLY relate to this. This happened to me a few times...

 

Try not to take it personally. Some people have this idea that it has to be HUGE SPARKS first date or else it's not meant to be, others will pick up on one thing in you that they don't think they mesh with (eg. habits, interests, political persuasion, drinking, smoking, it can be anything...), and others just don't know what they want (ie. they think they want a partner, then they get scared when they start dating?) it could be any of these or something else altogether but no point worrying about it.

 

As I always say, at the end of the day, if they are not interested it's their loss - you need to wait it out for someone who isn't going to make hasty decisions over 2 hours! Don't stress about what else you could have done - I'm sure you did nothing wrong, it's just that she wants something different, but someone out there will want you the way you are, so don't compromise yourself to try and attract the wrong people!

 

Ammy

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Yeah I really dont get that idea of there needing to be huge sparks on the first date. Everyone seems to say on their online profile that a first date sshould be something that "we lose track of time and don't want it to end." I just don't see how this really happens the very first time you meet someone....what ever happened to the idea of spending a bit of time with someone and seeing how it develops over time? I don't see how anyone you date at all needs to be headed towards 'forever'. If I meet the right girl and it lasts super long term, awesome. But what I want now is someone who I get along with well, have fun hanging out with, attraction, etc., but where we spend more than 2 hours getting to know each other before judging it for the super long term. It seems to me that most women I meet don't think along this line....I just dont get it.

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Yeah, I do know now, but this also discourages me for the future. It seems to happen all the time....one or two dates and then the girl judges that there's no connection, it isnt going anywhere, etc.

 

I'm not looking 'just to get some' but also not to 'committment forever'. I'd want to date somewhat casually, have fun hanging out with someone and see where it goes. Does no one take this approach to it?

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By 'Always happens' I mean the girls I've met/gone on dates with in the past 6 months or so (which is as long as I've been trying to actively date where I live). Its been 4-5 girls who I've felt things went well with when first meeting for 1 or 2 dates, and then either a response like this (where at least I heard something back) or nothing. It seems as if none of them are willing to give it another shot, hang out again, etc.

 

It's not easy to get first dates, even with online dating, so 4-5 seems like a lot to me, since its all the people who I seemed to click with online/phone initially and then plan to go out with.

 

how many people do you tend to go out with before feeling that 'initial spark' (ghost, or others as well...)? What would others consider to be significant for a pattern of things not working out? Do people meet 10, 20, 50 people before even having some 'casual seeing each other' type thing emerge? Or does it tend to happen after meeting fewer than that?

 

I feel like I'm not that picky...if we have fun, laugh, can keep constant coversation, and theres mutual attraction then I'm all for continuing to see where it goes. Everyone I meet seems to be much more picky and quick to judge it.

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do you have any idea how many dates i've been on where it didn't work out? lots man. don't fret.

 

how many dates before the initial spark? hmm, usually, i meet a girl, talk with her and interact, get her number and take her out. i usually go for the number because i felt something upon that first meeting. usually, it was just a one time feeling, but it was enough for me to take her out and find out more. just like you and your connections online i guess. you feel something, you want to find out more, and you go for it.

 

i've met a lot of girls within the last year and a half. yes, i've been single that long since my last worth while gf. some girls since then had enough spark, but it just didn't work out. dating isn't some formula you can just go 'oh yeah she's the one i could date.' you have to find out based on your preferences and experiences with them. if i have a bad outing with them and it's early on, it more than likely will not work out. even if there is a spark. it's not as simple as you want it to be. sorry, but it's reality. you just have to keep trying. if you let it bum you out, you've already defeated yourself. you don't want that.

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You're right...I dont WANT it to bum me out and to defeat myself, etc. Its just that in these cases I feel enough of a connection with these girls to want to continue it....but its generally the girl who doesnt want to continue it despite admittidely having fun. Havent had any 'bad' outings at all...just decent or good ones. But it seems like a good time isnt enough for a girl to want to continue...

 

I have also had a year and a half since my last gf, and I've met some girls, although I wouldnt say "a lot". In the last 6 months I've talked to a lot, gone out with 8-10, had 4-5 that seemed to go well (from my perspective) and of those none have gone more than 3 dates (and that was just one girl). Of those who I thought went well, there was always laughing, common interests, continual conversation, and usually kissing or making out within first date (or second). So hence my conclusion that these girls seem to be a lot more picky than me in terms of just 'trying it out and seeing' which is what I'm looking for for now. Not neccisearilly a girfriend off the bat, but some sort of dating.

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Right, I agree that 3-4 dates is when I could reasonably judge whether or not something might continue at all. That's why its upsetting when girls tend to decide this after just one date. If it was not a pattern I wouldnt be concerned. BUt when other people all seem to 'click' and continue dating after 1 or 2 dates, it makes me think its something I am doing, or not doing that prevents it from continuing with anyone I feel a connection with.

 

So many people my age seem to 'be seeing' someone, fairly regularly whether or not it is a serious relationship. Obviously not all people 'seeing' each other turn into serious relationships, but they need to start somewhat casual like this where they at least know they enjoy being together. I wish that with someone I meet would at least turn into this.

Guess I'm not good at the typical 'dating' thing because I can't seem to have breif meetings turn into anything more.

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Yeah I definitely don't do any of that stuff, dont ask any of those questions or give any impression except that I assume she is having a good time, confident in how its going, etc.

 

I won't ask anything like that during a date or a follow-up...I will call and say "I had a fun time with you the other night" as a follow up, but not ask any questions about it.

 

I am confident that I don't come off as a pushover at all...I'm very aware of being sure about this.

 

Cant figure out what else it might be thats 'wrong' though.

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Doc Love books says never leave messages on an answering machine because there are too many variables involved (i.e. you never know if she got the message or if she got it but is too busy to return or forgot, etc.. poor medium to guage a person's true interest level).

 

I want to share something from personal experience. A few years ago I was very heavily interested in a girl I meet from the internet. I believed it was a nice first date and felt really connected with her -- just like the OP. Like him, I left a message to her on her answering machine and she didn't call back. IN turn, I started having anger tantrums towards her because she didn't reciprocate back in interest and even blasted her in a subsequent message for not returning my call. (Appeared to have a short fuse with this girl for some reason, no girl gave me these sort of rises before or afterwards or tantrums)

 

A few months later, we did go out on a second meeting, and it lasted for three meetings because I never gave up, and really persisted. Regretably.

She slept with another guy and got dumped by him, losing her virginity before noticing me as a backup plan. (whether this is true or not is left to my own speculation). Retrospectfully, I looked for that since I should have just taken a hint the first time.

 

The point of the matter is you do not want to pursue someone too much because you put her on a pedistle, make her seem like she's doing you a favour by spending time with you and you give her a license basically to treat you like garbage because you need her way more than she needs you or a backup plan if the guy she's really interested in drops her like a hot potatoe.

 

If a girl doesn't give you any further chance after a 1-2 dates, then the terms where you may end up having further dates with her may be too rotten that you should be happy she choose to self-eliminate herself. Also be prepared to reject her if she comes around to you later. That may mean some other guy blew her off that she's may be seeing now.

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