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Nope, it's not over yet...


Keyman

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So after writing yesterday saying that I thought it was finally over, well I was wrong.

 

Yesterday afternoon I got a message from her saying she had rearranged her schedule and wanted to see me to talk. My expectation from it all was that she just wanted to tell me in person that she never wanted to see me again. She could just do that on email, so I sent back telling her that I’m just happy to leave things as they lie, to not worry, but she kept pushing. So I agreed to pick her up and went to talk with her. We sat for an hour and a half before I had to go to my beach volleyball game – which we won! Yay! – and we talked through what had happened on Valentine’s weekend, on my somewhat obsessive emailing and the like.

 

She loves to build herself up to be the innocent party, that what she does is everything right. She seems to like bringing me down, making me feel like the things that I do are wrong in the scheme of the world. But you just can’t point out her criticisms, like she can be selfish and controlling, because she can’t take them, yet she can give them out no problems.

 

So after 90 minutes, I felt like we had begun to go forward and ended up going backwards. Afterwards we agreed to have contact in a week or 10 days, just when she feels like it and then she blurted that she had a death in the family, which she should have told me before, it would have helped with my understanding. Then again it, her efforts of communication have been rather sparse of late anyway, but am not going to read too much into that. I then had to go and drove away feeling angry and determined to send her a message to tell her I never want to see her again.

 

I went home and ranted at my flatmate for 10 minutes about it and he told me to sleep on it. I went to volleyball and afterwards had a debrief with my fellow players. I then went home and spoke to my other flatmate – a 65 year old woman. In the end I came to a conclusion. I’m not in a relationship with her, I’m not with her at all. If anything we are working towards getting back together still, taking the long way around. And that I was just going to get out there and carry on with my life, I was going to continue going out and if I got a date then I would go on it. After all, I am single. I’ll just be a little more careful about timings. If we get back together, then I will stop dating. Also, too much talking through the issues can cause more issues, so I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore.

 

This morning, sending her an email to go NC came to me several times, and each time my heart raced and I felt like throwing up. Obviously that is not the way I want to go forward. So I am going to just get on with things and see what happens when she contacts me. And if/when she does, I’m going to tell her that I don’t want to talk about it anymore and ask if she just wants to go hang out and do something. Less talk, more hanging out…

 

Oh, and there’s this pretty blonde girl at the other end of the floor who smiles at me a lot. I went down and asked her out this morning…Sure, it is moving forward fast, but I’m not waiting around to dwell. Life goes on…

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You said about her:

 

"She loves to build herself up to be the innocent party, that what she does is everything right. She seems to like bringing me down, making me feel like the things that I do are wrong in the scheme of the world. But you just can’t point out her criticisms, like she can be selfish and controlling, because she can’t take them, yet she can give them out no problems."

 

That's exactly what my ex was like, and the exact reason I left him.

Why be with someone like that?

I think it's best to move on.

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I don't really understand what your goal is here. Are you still thinking that you two are heading towards getting back together or that you want to move on and forget about her? I could understand why in either instance, I'm just not clear on which it is.

 

She sounds very uncertain of herself to me. I used to be very like her in terms of criticisms when I was with my ex. I would criticize him, tell him how he made me feel like he didn't want me, how he didn't do this or that for me enough, etc, etc, but when he tried to bring up something I did wrong, I would freak out at him. I realized pretty quickly that I was being extremely unfair and stupid, and I did my best to change that. What I've realized since is that it was all rooted in the fact that I felt very insecure in the relationship, partly because of my own issues and partly because of things that had happened between us. Based on your ex's reaction after the V-day fiasco, I wouldn't be surprised if there's something similar going on with her. I can understand how you wouldn't want to deal with this, and if she doesn't have the self awareness to acknowledge what she's doing and make an effort to change it, I would say you shouldn't stick it out. But that's why I ask what your intentions are now, because if you're still wanting to work it out with her, going out and dating other people probably isn't going to help things.

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I want to be sure myself. I do feel stuck in the middle of my own feelings. Organising a date gave me a sense of moving on, and I just now tried to write a no contact email to her, but could not.

 

What I do know is that I do not want this stress anymore. I want to be happy. The more I hang out for her, the more I feel stressed. When I am free of her I am feeling more happy, settled, going in the right direction. That is telling me that I should move on. I have been dwelling on it again, I am trying to fix it because I can't truly let go of her. So I am going to write the email and tell her that we can't see each other any more. Tell her that there is a lot of love inside for her, but for love of myself, this stress of not knowing is wreaking me inside. That's it, I'm going to do it now. It must be done.

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Well it sounds like you're doing what's best for you, and that's what matters most. It isn't good to live feeling stressed out and dwelling on it all the time, so moving on is probably the best choice. I'm sorry again for how things are turning out for you guys. I know it's hard, but you really do seem to be dealing remarkably well. I hope everything goes well for you!

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Thanks Fi. I couldn't do it in the end. Again I got half way through the message and just felt so strongly about it that I couldn't send it. This is just telling me that I am not ready to push her away permanently. But I am not going to dwell on it. I have far moer important things to do in my life, I have other dates to go on, people to meet, and all other facets of my life to reveal. Next week, if she decides to get back into contact, then I'll work with it then, but until then, I am permanently in a happy place. I aint going to be talking about the situation, or her again, not here and not with anyone. There is nothing more to say.

 

Thanks everyone for all the thoughts and for caring!

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