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Need advice bad......


leviathanxx
5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

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Well to start things off, I will give you a little of our background. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 4 years. We both started when I was 18 and she was 16 ½. We both also go to the same college and are in pursuit of our degrees. We were both madly in love and wanted to see each other everyday.....I have taken her to Vegas, Hawaii, Laughlin, Mexico....and soo many different places and do anything to make her happy. Here is where it begins.

 

When she first got into college she was very serious about her school work which is TOTTALY understandable. Well 2 years into college she decided that she wanted to join a sorority out of the blue? (I am led to believe it was to make friends because all of hers had moved away to different colleges). She has always been involved in sports and does like doing extracurricular activities so that was partially it too. Well that was very hard for me to understand because I knew the influences that would be around her. Most of the girls are single.....and REALLY ready to mingle. So it kind of worries me about the whole peer pressure part. Well we broke up after she joined because she was ALWAYS gone and it seemed like we became distant and argued about every little thing. Well we got back together after about 3 weeks (nothing was done on either side). Well it is still the same situation and it seems like the sorority is her new number 1 priority.....but she says that is not the case.....for instance last week she did something with them everyday except Wednesday and Saturday. Monday, she went to her meeting (ok mandatory), Tuesday she hung out with her friend till about 7ish, Wednesday went home and did homework, Thursday she went bowling with them till late, and Friday she went to a bball game with them while I was at a friends house. So I asked her Saturday if she would like to hang out and she said she had homework........so I said ok well hang out Sunday. Well Saturday she slept in late because she had went to a frat party she told me about (which is fair because I went to my friends party), and did not wake up till about 1pm and then went to her sisters game from 5-10.......so aka no homework done......well that meant we would not be able to hang out Sunday.........So I guess what I want to ask is am I asking for too much wanting to spend time with her? Also am I in the wrong to point out that she was with her sorority the whole week and all I wanted was a day? I told her if she really wanted to see me she would of done some homework during weekday instead of going out with them...........I am beginning to think she wants to try different things....should I give her the space and hang out with my friends? And then when she wants to hang out she will call? I am soo lost........

 

I have read some stuff online about being to available and I think she takes advantage of that.

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I think you should stop suggesting that you meet up. Distance yourself and do your own thing. She has been with you since 16.5..don't be surprised if she likes her singleness and starts wanting to flirt with other men. The relationship is falling apart. Distance yourself for a few weeks and see what happens..she will either continue down the same road or she will wake up because she misses you and doesn't want to throw away your relationship. If, after a few weeks things haven't improved, you might want to walk out of this relationship.

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Here are my thoughts. It sounds like you got into a serious relationship at a rather young age (16.5 years for her and 18 for you), and while in some cases high school sweethearts will stay devoted to each other throughout college and onward into adulthood, many of them get to college and in fact, want to experience freedom. It's perfectly understandable. I would give her space. In fact, I would tell her that lately things have been tough on you given her new-found priorities and that while you understand, you would like to take some time off from the relationship. This of course only applies if you think you would be comfortable taking some time to see where things go. Or, rather, are you invested in saving the relationship? If that's the case I don't see much hope, only because the more you push the more she will likely pull away and it sounds to me like she in fact is trying to find more freedom in life. Maybe taking time off will give you both clarity in regards to where you may want to take things. Either way, don't just sit around waiting for her to call. Go out unless you have plans made prior to seeing her. Enjoy yourself. It's not fair that she expects you to make yourself available to her and then will not give you one day per/week of her time which I think is VERY reasonable. There is no reason for you to act in such a committed manner when it seems somewhat clear that she has put your relationship in the backseat for the time being.

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I hate to say it, but I have to sort of agree with Crazyaboutdogs on this one man. You need to distance yourself a bit, give it time. She seems to be showing you less and less attention, so do the same and see if you get the same reaction you are having right now, the typical rage and pull your hair out wanting to know what your doing wrong. Give it a bit of time.. see what happens. If she doesn't come back to you.. then you know the decision soon to be made.

 

- Josh

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It's been 4 years since you met, the excitement's gone, and now she's a young adult who's in college and wants to experience life. Sorry man - these things happen. First breakup usually follows first love.

 

Start to distance yourself and start getting used to being single, that way it'll be easier once you are.

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I have a similar high school/college/after experience except we met when she was 16 and I was 17. We didn't go to the same high school or college, but we began drifting apart during the first couple college years. We've given each other space (broke up) 4 times, each time being 6 months or so NC before we got back together again. I'm 24 now and we broke up again last week, after having gotten back together just 3 months ago.

 

What I got from this is that even though we both still love each other and want to be together, it is almost impossible to save at this point because we are such different people. So we need to move on, after investing almost 8 years of our lives on this relationship.

 

If you feel like you still love her, I would say you either need to find a way for you to both remember why you guys started dating in the first place and realize what/why you guys still like about each other and see if that'll improve or at least keep the relationship going, or give each other some space to become your own person and hope that the new you's still like having the other in your lives.

 

From my experience, I do admit I somewhat regret holding on after so many years. I would've been much happier all this time if I never thought of us getting back together as an option and holding on. But then again if I hadn't, I wouldn't have come to these realizations.

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She's like a kid with a new toy and new friends, and she's excited and really into exploring what she's never had before, and you're all over her--tracking every day of her week. That's a bore, and you're surely positioning yourself as a chore.

 

You're young. Go see friends. Get out and cultivate your own life beyond her. She'll respect you for it, and you'll stop hovering--and you'll avoid becoming a pain in her a$$.

 

Head high.

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sounds to me like you just arent priority.

 

I would just call her up and give her last weeks timeline, you did this this this this and never made time for me. If that happened once in a while I could deal with it. But its an all the time thing now, so if you dont want to spend time with me.. then Ill stop making the effort.

 

You call me if you want to make time, otherwise Im done.

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