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friends with benefits for 2 years!


wishfulthinking

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Well i have not been on this forum for quite some time, and I would love to give u the background of the situation but that wld take way too long to write about.

 

basically i have been on and off with this guy for two years. we have never been officially together. We are defined as the classic "friends with benefits" relationship. This has been going on for almost two years now and I am at the breaking point wer I just want it to end!

 

The only problem is that I feel like I am addicted to this relationship. We live in a small city and have way to many mutual friends. We see each other ALL the time, and we both choose to hang out with the same people. My friends say to stop hanging out wer hes going to be, but for some reason I cant stay away from him!!

 

the reason why i really need some advice is because he has been seeing this other girl, who he claims to really like, yet he is still following me around, meetting up with my friends wherever I may be. Wen i see the two of them together, he doesnt act like hes with her. We have even hooked up a couple times in the last month, resulting from extreme drunken behavior.

 

two nights ago i went to a friends party, whom we are both mutual friends with. I brought this guy that i have been seeing, and my friends with benefits guy had shown up. the guy i have been seeing was all over me and i cld tell he was getting jealous. the very next day, i looked at my friends with benefits guys myspace, and he immediately changed his status to in a relationship!! wut the hell!!

 

I dont get our relationship and probably never will. When we are together sexually its a connection like no other. wen we "run into eachtoher" i get these uncontrollable butterflies, and I can see i get to him as well. How can a relationship like this last for this long??? i hate that i cant forget about him and move on to someone who deserves my attention. anyone been in a situation like this????

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As someone who had just ended a FWB situation because I started seeing someone I wanted to get serious with, I must agree...if he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he could have done it a long time ago.

 

I think feelings of jealousy are normal, even with FWB's...doesn't mean that's enough to spur them to be in a relationship with you, though. I can tell this from experience. If I were still "hooking up" with my fbuddy and then all the sudden I saw him with another girl, I would feel jealous too. But I think it's mostly out of being threatened that something I enjoy would come to an end because of this girl...but that's not enough for me to be in a relationship with him.

 

I would say move on. I know it's hard, but I wonder how you made it last that long when you wanted a relationship all along? He's already "in a relationship" with someone, so you'd have to move on. Don't waste your time. Obviously, if he really liked you, he could've made it official with you.

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I agree with Tethys. He has had ample time to date you like a girlfriend instead of FWB, but it never gets off the ground. He's just not that into you, or perhaps he just is not interested in being monogamous and likes to keep all his options open.

 

You might want to try to talk to him next time before you hook up... just ask him if he'd ever consider dating you or a relationship rather than FWB and see what he says. If he says no, then don't waste any more time on him.

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During intercourse, the female brain releases the hormone oxytocin which makes her form a monogamous bond with her partner. Among some other fun effects it has are increasing trust while reducing fear, and making her more empathic to others, thus more generous (yes, chemically, a well-satisfied woman is nicer to everyone).

 

So, to the OP - it's all chemicals in the end. The more you have intercourse with your friend, the more you're going to feel like you want to be with him. Your options, if you decide you want to end it, are to (a) wait it out as the hormone levels in your brain will eventually drop back down to normal, or (b) flood your brain with the hormone while in the proximity of another male by having intercourse with him. This will eventually cause you to think you want to be with him more and, as you reinforce the levels via intercourse while avoiding the other guy, your chemical attachment will successfully transfer to the new male.

 

The rule of thumb, as far as brain chemicals go, is that the more sex you have with a man, the harder it will be to let him go. Which, incidentally, is why it's said that a healthy sex life is important to a relationship.

 

Of course, the romance, etc. is nice too.

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i think the problem between us was the timing. We have above all always been friends. We get along really well, we just both wanted to live the single life. i admit in the beginning i wantedd to be with him, and i knew that all it was was a sexual relationship. i knew he didnt want to be in a relationship.

 

The truth is that i know him very well, and he is not the boyfriend girlfriend type. If he ever saw another girl, he never stayed with her longer then a month, and in between that time he was still tryin to have sex with me. Im truly at the point where i dont want to be with him monogomasly because i know he would never be faithful to me.

 

i really just need to know what advice u can give me by staying away from him sexually. i see him all the time, and there is ALWAYS sexual tension.

 

as far as me asking him why we havent dated, he says its becaused we both have had bad timing. Wen i wanted to be with him he wasnt ready, and wen he wanted to be with me, i was always with another a guy. its clearly obvious we are not supposed to be together, and that its a very unehealthy relationship. But why wont he get out of my head! why cant we just let each other go!

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If you are wanting to move on from him, you will have to try to go NC. I had a FWB before I met my current BF and once I felt that I was becoming attached to him, I cut all contact. He was much older than I was and had been divorced and was a total commitment-phobe. Basically, we were never going to be an "item," and I knew it. It was so tough at first because I was attached to him and wanted to be with him. Eventually those feelings faded as he wasn't in my life anymore and now I have a monogamous relationship which I enjoy SO much more than the FWB situation. I would recommend that you look for someone else who will make you happy. You can form an attachment to another person. Forget about this guy. Good luck!

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You're presuming that because you have intercourse with him that it is a relationship. You are having sexual relations, but the way you two interact can't be compared to a romantic relationship that involves two people who intend to see if there is potential for the long term (and it's not like two people who go on dates to do fun activities together and have sex but are casually dating - because still there the sole focus is not on getting together to get off sexually).

 

I don't believe you can assume he is a commitmentphobe just because he enjoys meeting up with you to have an orgasm and doesn't want more out of his interactions with you. He might be, he might not be and you have to be ready - emotionally and otherwise - for the day when he meets someone he is motivated to get to know as a potential partner.

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I think the question is more of why can't you let him go vs does he want more.....apparently he doesn't and this situation is fine with him. Very few men are going to turn down good sex, thus you will have to be the one to break it off. If he wanted more you would have known it way before now.

 

And as someone stated, yes even FWB's can get jealous but it is sexual jealousy and usually more about control then wanting to be in a real relationship. I have known women who have guy friends that have crushes on them, and they have no interest in the guy friend at all but get EXTREMELY jealous if that guy gets a new g/f or shows interest in someone else. It is more about selfishness than actually wanting that person for a relationship. the "I don't want you but i don't want anyone else to want you either" syndrome. I wouldn't even want a person like that for a friend much less a dating partner. Lots of people like this exist. They crave affirmation and attention.

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