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My life right now

mr me

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I know that you are supposed to try to look at the good side but for the most part i cant really seem to see it. I do know that for the first time i actually had some success with dealing with the fact that my ex was with someone else. That thought is still really painful because she is or was alot like me. Its just i dont know because she decided to change. I feel like she couldnt deal with how she was with me so she ran away from her problems. Its just weird for me as well because everytime i have talked to her i basically didnt want to ever be around her anymore. Its just all this time that ive been alone thats all i could think about was being with her and either things not being the way they turned out, turning out the way we wanted them to, or just being back when things were actually good. I really dont think anyone has ever gone thru what i went thru and if they have i have never heard of it. If you want to know maybe you can go back to some of my threads but im not going to talk about it because i always get one comment that people just think its crazy. I have enough to deal with so thats something i really dont need to have to keep dealing with. I just know so much about my life is crazy and i always struggle with understanding how im supposed to deal with so much especially how im almost always alone. I only had one person that really ever helped me in my life but that just ended up being a really toxic relationship with my ex. I guess i see my OCD being really bad again because i cant seem to stay on topic. I guess im gonna try to keep this short because i dont really seem to have much control over my OCD when im talking about all my problems. I will just say that ive been probably thru one of the hardest periods of my life in the past weeks. I really didnt know why because i was doing things to help me and they were working. Its just hard to know that i could feel as bad as i did when right before i was feeling as good as i did. Im still kinda struggling with everything now and i dont really know what to even do anymore. I just struggle alot with wanting to do good for myself with everything in my life because i really dont feel like things will go good. I just feel like with everything in my life the odds have been stacked against me so much that its just pretty cruel and unfair to even try to deal with what ive had to go thru. Its just if im ever going to live a different life then the life im living right now im gonna have to deal with all of this.

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