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is it really worth it?


supermotarded

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ill try to keep this to the point.

 

my wife of just under 19 years, walked out a couple months ago(classic walkaway wife now that i read about it). since then we had started to communicate, and work on our communication. Things seemed to be looking up. I have made alot of changes in priorities, and behaviours along the way, and she seems to be noticing. WE still have a long way to go, but i seem to be the only one that is interested in changing to make this work. She now seems to be doing stuff/saying stuff that is extremely hurtful, and im beginning to wonder if im just there for ammusement.

 

the latest bombshell is that she is smoking. This was an issues years back and i told her then i was not going to live with a smoker and she quit at the time. Now she promises that when she comes "home" she will quit again. I am absolutely repulsed now. I find i dont want to see here, much less spend physical time with her. I am going to talk to here again about it tonight, but after talking yesterday, i dont think the outcome is going to be that good. I am just going to give her the option, the cigs, or work on us.

 

am i just throwing in the towel to early, or is this just a way of her getting another dig at me. She knows my resolve with this, but chooses to do it anyway.

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thats easy to say, but hard to do after investing 19 years of my live

 

Well, then you decide.We have all had our hearts ripped out. 3 yrs or 19 yrs, the emotions feel the same. Not to sound blunt, but you chose to invest those 19 years. Maybe you realize now that she was not the best mate, and if you want to waste another 1-2 years then try again, it may not be a waste at all.

 

First look out for yourself and your emotions.

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I agree that staying with someone so as not to waste the years of your life spent with her is counter-productive. If she is till saying hurtful things and choosing to smoke again then it appears she has little interest in having a good and balanced relationship with you. The remark about 'when she goes home' should have been more truthfully said as "If I come home having found I can't do any better or because it isn't working financially for me".

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I think that this is your way of finding the evidence you need to feel a little bit less guilty about giving up on her now that she's seemingly given up on you. From here on out, there's likely to be a lot of evidence searching going on from both sides, and lots of revisionist history as well.

 

People twist their pasts into anything they feel may suit their egos. All history can be rewritten to serve this purpose.

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Well I applaud you for trying to work things out. I think it's very healing as well. You're discovering things about her that aren't as workable as you thought. Maybe she felt like she was being someone else for you for 19 years. Just a thought I had, with the smoking and stopping all of a sudden.

 

Have you tried working with your clergy or a counselor? I know I was advised to divorce, sometimes they do.

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Welcome to ENA and the Club of Walk Away Spouses we have here. It has been a while since a new member has shown up.

 

I think working to save your marriage is a good idea but how you go about it is the important part.

First of all everything you do needs to be for yourself ONLY. Learn and make improvements in yourself because you want to be a better husband, father, friend, brother and person. Do not do these things to appease her so she will come back because it will not be real. If you do talk to her about your marriage listen carefully and do not interrupt or argue with her. She may be saying the biggest lie in the world about you or your marriage but you need to let it go and pick out the clues to what she really feels about you. Take these criticisms to heart and try and figure out if you really are that way and if you don't want to be like that and what you can do to be better in that regard. Not for her though, but for you.

The smoking thing is a choice like walking out. She is trying to take control back of her life and she thinks you took that away when you made her quit smoking along with other things over the years. DO NOT give her ultimatums. She needs to want to quit smoking because she loves you and she knows you do not like it. The same way she needs to make the choice to work on herself and the marriage.

You didn't mention her age but I would guess near 40 yrs old perhaps?

The stress, pills and everything else may very well be some of this but there is no magic reason. Believe me I searched for one as we all have. She has chosen this and you need to work to make yourself better and you just might decide you don't want to be married to her after all.

 

PM anytime you wish

 

lost

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Are you serious? Her smoking wasn't a deal breaker when the two of you listarted dating and she said she'd quit again. What's the big deal? Seems to me you're looking for an excuse to stop trying. Stop looking for excuses and find the reason you're having second thoughts.

 

no, it wasnt because she didnt smoke when we met. she started a few years later, when i was in a different city for work, when she finally moved here, i walked in on her smoking. It was a deal breaker then, and she quit immediately. It is the same dealbreaker now.

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no, it wasnt because she didnt smoke when we met. she started a few years later, when i was in a different city for work, when she finally moved here, i walked in on her smoking. It was a deal breaker then, and she quit immediately. It is the same dealbreaker now.

 

Then there's no dilema at all and it's not an issue. You're repulsed. Move on. No sense in trying to get over repulsion. I mean, Christ, let her go. She's clearly not worth your time. Doesn't matter how intelligent, witty, warm, caring, considerate, sensitive, and dedicated she might be. If you're repulsed, you're repulsed.

 

I wouldn't date a guy who didn't floss and wash his hands after toileting or know the difference between there, their, and they're and how to use them in a written sentence. We've all got our issues. The key to to know and work with them.

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I wouldn't date a guy who didn't floss and wash his hands after toileting or know the difference between there, their, and they're and how to use them in a written sentence. We've all got our issues. The key to to know and work with them.

 

"They went on their vacation, and they're having a great time".

Will you date me??

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You mentioned in your 1st post that she is being extremely hurtful and in your recent post that dating you is enough. If its affecting you (which it would me too), then why not take a break from her? Go to counselling for you.

 

If she then decides she wants to make a dedicated effort I would try counselling together.

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if you want your marriage to continue, then do what you need to make it work. dont just simply give up because of some of the posts here.

 

I agree.

 

Anyway, this culture of "just give up on marriage" is very troubling. I do think the OP should back off a bit, iut's cos she knows you will continue to chase her that she has been nasty (saying nasty thing, picking up a bad habit all over again).

 

When she sees you backing away more, she might just change for the best

 

and it's nice to see a person put effort for once so i wish you luck

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Are you serious? Her smoking wasn't a deal breaker when the two of you listarted dating and she said she'd quit again. What's the big deal? Seems to me you're looking for an excuse to stop trying. Stop looking for excuses and find the reason you're having second thoughts.

 

I agree here. Ween stressed, some people turn to smoking as a way to cope with difficult emotions. Don't use it as a threat. I'm sure if she stopped smoking, she'll do it again. When I go through stress, I begin smoking, but quickly stop-some people can do it!

 

I would not le a 19 yr marriage dissolve without trying. But yes, she can'[t just walk out whenever she feels stressed. What are the reasons for her leaving? 19 years is a long time and if anything can be salvaged, then I'd try. BUT both of you need to be committed to making it work.

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