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It bugs me to hear people ask when you are getting married if you are pregnant and not married.


scared and alone

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Now, I fully respect people who want to get married because they get pregnant, that is their choice. But I can't stand hearing people judge someone who chooses not to get married just because they are pregnant. That is none of their business and you do not HAVE to get married JUST because you are pregnant. Why is this such an issue with some people? It does not make them a bad person having a child out of wedlock... I wish people would get over that.

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Judge not lest ye be judged.

 

some (but alas not all) people don't realize what their words are implying. Some (again, not all) don't mean what you think they mean. Those one's should be cut some slack. The others...don't be mad, they got their own problems.

 

Focus on your health and on the child inside you. That's what's really important. *#$@^* what other people think.

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Some people are old school and think people should be married to have a baby. Just ask them an equally personal question in return.

 

Old school lol - I'm not sure it's "old school" really neither do I think asking an equally personal question is the way to go either - why not? Because they won't "get" it.

 

The moral high road with a skillful arched eyebrow will do it.

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It annoys me when people do get married because they are pregnant. Face it would they if they weren't pregnant?

 

People only ask because of what was put into their mind by what they hear as they were growing up. If someone says, if a woman is pregnant by a man (babys father) it is his responsibility to marry her. OR they hear; if a woman gets pregnant by a man than the man can support her and be there, but there is no need to rush to the alter.

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Now, I fully respect people who want to get married because they get pregnant, that is their choice. But I can't stand hearing people judge someone who chooses not to get married just because they are pregnant. That is none of their business and you do not HAVE to get married JUST because you are pregnant. Why is this such an issue with some people? It does not make them a bad person having a child out of wedlock... I wish people would get over that.

 

Are you talking about someone actually insulting you because you are pregnant and unmarried, or about people simply asking you why you haven't chosen to be married before getting pregnant?

 

I ask because I don't think asking for information means a person is judging you, only looking for another perspective.

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Are you talking about someone actually insulting you because you are pregnant and unmarried, or about people simply asking you why you haven't chosen to be married before getting pregnant?

 

I ask because I don't think asking for information means a person is judging you, only looking for another perspective.

 

I'm not pregnant, but I hear this so many times and it just annoys me.

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Now, I fully respect people who want to get married because they get pregnant, that is their choice. But I can't stand hearing people judge someone who chooses not to get married just because they are pregnant. That is none of their business and you do not HAVE to get married JUST because you are pregnant. Why is this such an issue with some people? It does not make them a bad person having a child out of wedlock... I wish people would get over that.

 

Should I mad when people ask me when I'm going to quit smoking? It's personal, most people are opinionated about smoking, and I just don't have the desire to quit smoking.

 

Are you upset with them asking what you see as a personal question, or are you upset with them implying that when a couple is pregnant they should get married?

 

Personally, I would never ask the question usless it was a close friend. I do believe that to ask such a personal question is impolite and shows a lack of class.

 

On the other side, while I don't judge women who have a baby out of wedlock (is that even a politically correct term anymore?!?!), I do believe that in most cases a baby will be better off living in a two parent family. Again, that is just my personal opinion. Not judging anyone, just my belief.

 

Finally, I raised my eyebrows when you said "JUST because you are pregnant," as if being pregnant is no big deal and isn't a lifelong committment with major consequences and rewards. Maybe I took it different then what you were implying, and if so - sorry!

 

Erik

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It's normal now.

Yes marriage is a great thing, a partnership.

But who needs a piece of paper to prove your going to be fantastic parents? You don't need to be married to do that. You just need to love each other, and do right by the child.

By the time the childs old enough to know any better, Marriage will probably be rare.

 

Maybe I exagerate ...

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Now, I fully respect people who want to get married because they get pregnant, that is their choice. But I can't stand hearing people judge someone who chooses not to get married just because they are pregnant. That is none of their business and you do not HAVE to get married JUST because you are pregnant. Why is this such an issue with some people? It does not make them a bad person having a child out of wedlock... I wish people would get over that.

 

I often ask that to get at what is the relationship situation. Getting married because you are pregnant is stupid, but I am not gonna lie and pretend that I don't find it annoying when somebody isn't using proper birth control (not when they are and it still happens) or they are only 20, and they get pregnant.

 

It is irresponsible.

 

I could care less whether they are married or not, but planning on having a kid before being in a financially and emotionally stable relationship is foolish.

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I often ask that to get at what is the relationship situation. Getting married because you are pregnant is stupid, but I am not gonna lie and pretend that I don't find it annoying when somebody isn't using proper birth control (not when they are and it still happens) or they are only 20, and they get pregnant.

 

 

 

.

 

 

I'm a but offended at that. Me and my husband got married when I was 5 months pregnant and we didn't do it just because of that, we were genuinly in love. But yes, the main reason why we did it THEN is because I was pregnant.

Why is it stupid? We were already bonded for life with our child and wanted the legal, binding commitment.

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Try having a 1 year old together, living together and still not being married in the South. We have to lie to the older relatives and say we are married, because it upsets them SO much that we aren't. We would get a lecture every single time we did see them if we didn't. But that's just the over 75 year old ones. The others that know we aren't married, including my own parents have actually insulted us for not being married.

 

You know what? To hell with them. Honestly. We'll get married when we are ready. The man has been divorced once and neither one of us EVER wants to go through a divorce. We are completely committed and plan on getting married, but not now. my mother even went so far as to tell me because we had a baby and lived together first, that they will not pay for us a wedding. Like we have to go to the courthouse in shame and get married. Everybody I know had premarital sex. So it seems to me our sin wasn't the sex, but the fact that we got pregnant and kept the baby.

 

Sorry to rant, but this is a very relevant issue to me. I'm tired of feeling pressured to get married because we have a child. We got pregnant right as we started dating. We just happened to work out (probably because we were friends for years first), but i've still only been dating the man for a little under 2 years, which isn't so long that it's weird that we are not married.

 

I'd rather my baby "suffer the shame (pu-lease of unmarried parents, than have to deal with us fighting and going through hell trying to get divorced later. When it's right, we'll get married. Because we waited, when we do get married, I can have the engagement ring and the dress I want and my freaking huge unconvential toddler-in-tow wedding I've dreamed of--Not to mention the fact I'll be able to say my vows with the knowing of what I'm getting into and the assurance that I REALLY want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

 

And on top of that, our daughter will get to see how much her parents really love each other and be a part that wonderful occasion.

 

So, I agree, IT IS ANNOYING to say the least

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Now, I fully respect people who want to get married because they get pregnant, that is their choice. But I can't stand hearing people judge someone who chooses not to get married just because they are pregnant. That is none of their business and you do not HAVE to get married JUST because you are pregnant. Why is this such an issue with some people? It does not make them a bad person having a child out of wedlock... I wish people would get over that.

 

I completely agree with you. But a lot of people are quite old-fashioned about this and have a very traditional mind frame when it comes to pregnancy. With time these views I assume will gradually diminish, and people will become more tolerant of non-nuclear family situations.

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Thank you, Anna! My sister has 2 children (one that she had at just 19) and she is not married to (although living with) the father. It annoys me when people say something about them getting married. For one, I dont really like the guy, but another, I dont see why they HAVE to be married just because they have a family. you can have a family and not be married... but again like I said before IF you BOTH want to get married because you got pregnant, then, good for you! Seriously. That is what both of you want and I am perfectly fine with that. But, just don't judge those who do not feel the same way.

 

And as for the "old-fashioned" thinkers. Screw them. They can believe that and that is fine, but don't you dare throw your beliefs onto a couple that doesn't share the same beliefs as you. That is just rude and uncalled for and it has NOTHING to do with you.

 

pregnant does NOT always = a long lasting happy marriage. If anything, that marriage could be the WORST thing to do, ESPECIALLY for the child. Just because you had sex with someone and happened to get pregnant does NOT mean that you need to be in a marriage with them.

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If a woman is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is or tried to get pregnant without having a father then I judge. I could care less about what the bible says.

 

When I just ask about the status then I am not judging. You are overreacting to something that isn't there.

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My niece has had 4 children by four different fathers. Never married. All the kids are in therapy. Her 16-year-old daughter is pregnant by her hs bf. I WISH someone would have stuck their nose in my niece's business before now!

She lives on welfare, makes fun of people who work (calls us chumps and says Obama will protect her now), and thinks she may be with child again. Her daughter that is pregnant once had an affair with one of her mom's boyfriends while her mom was living with him and pregnant with his child. In other words, the young lady was sleeping with her sister's father. This whole scenario is true and unfortunately, is what many people picture in their minds when they hear that someone is pregnant and unmarried. I know that many people who don't wed when they are pregnant are quite respectable and nice. But this has been my experience. So, while I don't ask someone when they are getting married (it is really none of my business) I guess I worry about the kids.

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Having a child with someone is a life time commitment with that person and an enormous responsibility. I don't think it's so far fetched to ask if you endeavor to create life with someone if you plan to make that lifetime commitment formal by getting married. Why is it such a bizarre concept?

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Having a child with someone is a life time commitment with that person and an enormous responsibility. I don't think it's so far fetched to ask if you endeavor to create life with someone if you plan to make that lifetime commitment formal by getting married. Why is it such a bizarre concept?

 

I don't think anyone is saying it's a bizarre concept, but more that people are so ready to judge mothers if they decide not to take this pathway, for whatever reasons.

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Now, I fully respect people who want to get married because they get pregnant, that is their choice. But I can't stand hearing people judge someone who chooses not to get married just because they are pregnant. That is none of their business and you do not HAVE to get married JUST because you are pregnant. Why is this such an issue with some people? It does not make them a bad person having a child out of wedlock... I wish people would get over that.

 

What really REALLY ticked me off was when people knew I was already married they would ask "was this a planned pregnancy?"

 

People are so ignorant!

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I don't think anyone is saying it's a bizarre concept, but more that people are so ready to judge mothers if they decide not to take this pathway, for whatever reasons.

 

Well the title of the thread is that it bugs the OP when people ask the question. That's a pretty big assumption that because they ask it means they are judging you, wouldn't you say?

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Great topic, I think there are a few layers to this. 1st is it their business? Most likely it is not. Its not my business if you drink, it is my business if you drink and drive. Its not my business if you ware a seatbelt, until you crash and expect very expensive healthcare that you cant afford. Its not my business if you get knocked up without a husband, but it becomes my business if you ask me to pay for the birth and your food stamps, and your apartment. As for judgment, I love it when people criticize others for judging others. Its even better if they call them judgmental hypocrites. Essentially you are claiming that it is wrong to judge others, and what is it that YOU are doing? That is a hypocrite. There is a right way and a wrong way to judge. We all do it and we mostly do it wrong. Can You look at something a person is doing and determine that what they are doing might not be good for them or others without demeaning the value of that persons humanity. That is proper judgment and it is necessary and good and we could not function as a society without doing it. The real question that we really can not all agree on is by what standards will we judge?

A little personal irony in my own life. My wife and I just moved her Daughter and he boyfriend accross the country to live with us. We were not thrilled that they were shacking up yet made the decision to move them into our home(My wife made them promise no sex in our home This young man is Catholic(we are not) and preaches political conservatism, I am conservative, yet more liberal than he talks. Well in the few months that they have lived with us he has been unable to hold a job, yet was able to knock her up! Now it’s a good thing he lives in a liberal state that will pay for the birth of his out of wedlock baby. Am I judging ? You bet your…..

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You don't need to justify your choices or explain your situation to these people.

 

I read somewhere that when someone asks you an intrusive question that they should know is none of their business, the best response is to look puzzled, look them in the eye and say,

 

"Why do you ask?"

 

Then it's up to them to justify their intrusion. If they continue on with their display of ignorance by saying "Well, because you are pregnant" I'd simply reply with a matter-of-fact;

 

"So I am."

 

Then change the subject, or better yet, turn and walk away.

 

leave them wondering what happened. Eventually they should figure it out...

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Well the title of the thread is that it bugs the OP when people ask the question. That's a pretty big assumption that because they ask it means they are judging you, wouldn't you say?

 

Definitely - they are definitely judging you when they ask you that question. I agree. I was just replying to somebody who was saying that getting married when you have a baby is not a bizarre concept and that people have a right to think others will get married when they have a baby. I don't agree with this.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I'm not pregnant, but I hear this so many times and it just annoys me.

 

when my husband and I were getting married, ALL of our family including our grandparents thought I was pregnant... and people asked us all the time!!!!

 

It was so rude!! And even if I had been its like, why do you care?? LOL

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