Jump to content

Scared, out of options.


Recommended Posts

What everyone is saying about Bi-Polar being a fashionable diagnosis lately, it seems to be true. Since being "diagnosed" as Bi-Polar I have met 2 other people who have it that seem fine to me, and it seems like everyone almost WANTS to have it. Also, since being treated, Ive been thrown (almost literally) into a hospital for my "own protection," where I had a nurse come into my room and tell me there was nothing wrong with me except that I hadnt accepted God, I was prostituting myself out for having a boyfriend, and the music I listen to was making me think bad things. He told me he used to do drugs, and listen to rap, etc, but he found God and he's better. Now, at the time, I was off meds, and I had been hearing God telling me to kill myself, so I could go take care of someone in heaven, and so him telling me I was pissing off God by being a prostitute scared me more than Ive ever been scared.

 

Since the diagnosis was thrown at me, Ive been doing a lot of research, and I know Ive found what's really wrong. I dont have mania. I have never had mania. Its true that I havent slept for 4+ days at a time, but its because Im too scared. Im almost positive I have Delusional Disorder. I found it last night, and Ive been trying not to cry ever since. Its been months of therapy and medication and it never felt real to me because the diagnosis was wrong. But Ive started to accept that there IS something unfixable wrong, and Im scared of myself.

 

An example of my life would be yesterday. I spent all day in a relatively okay mood, and around 8 PM, I was out on my boyfriend's porch. I started noticing every vertical line around me, and then even the ones of my teeth started scaring me. I had to go inside. Once there, I started to get the idea that my boyfriend was sick of me and had decided to kill me. I told him I knew what he was up to, and he kept trying to get me to go in his room to "calm down." But thats where he was going to try to do it, I thought, so I started screaming and crying and kicking him away. Finally, I asked if I could go in with weapons, and (for whatever reason) he let me go pick out some knives. So I sat in the corner with about 6 knives in my hand for around 30 minutes. Every time he came near me I would picture him shredding me to pieces, and I would threaten him. Then it changed to a demon would possess him that night and THATS what would kill me, so I had to protect him. This went on till I got too tired to care and I fell asleep.

 

This happens almost every night and some days. I either think Satan has possessed my house, my cat, my friend, etc, or there are demons tricking me into going outside, and Ill try to run away. I cant be alone anymore.

 

 

 

 

I know most of you will say "Go back to therapy, go back on the meds!" but I dont trust them anymore. They diagnosed me wrong, medicated me too heavily, threw me into a hospital where I was miserable, and I just dont want to go through that the rest of my life... I dont know what to do... I feel petty for being all "why me..." and angsty, but I just feel like I havent gotten a break in a long time. I was supposed to be the successful one out of my family, and now Im the crazy daughter who wont move back home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I won't say go back to therapy and meds, but I will go on to new therapy and meds . It seems that you've had a very bad experience with whatever hospital you were placed in; I can't comment more without knowing the specific circumstances, or which country you are in,but it sounds like there are grounds for a serious complaint to regulating authority that governs that institution, wherever you are. You should never have an experience like that, and I can only apologise on behalf of some of my colleagues in that area for what seems to be a major failure in the system.

 

Self-diagnosis is rarely a good thing, and you should certainly get to a properly qualified and respected psychiatrist in a major hospital who can give a thorough examination and diagnosis. It does sound as though you have some sort of schizoaffective disorder, and you may realise that this could also be contributing towards your lack of desire to go back to medical treatment. The diagnosis of BP certainly seems to be wrong on the face of it, although there is little to go on here. It is quite likely that some outpatient treatment, consisting of medication and possibly some therapy, will be of great benefit to you. There is no need to live your life in this sort of anguish forever more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But I dont know how to accept the fact that I might need medication and expensive therapy all my life.

 

Needing therapy and health insurance have caused such a strain on me and my entire family.

 

 

 

Im located in Florida, in the United States. Im not up on the laws here, but I know that I have to pay $250 for my hosp. stay, when I am unemployed, and for awful treatment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry that you had a bad experience with your doctors. However, I do think you should talk to someone else (where do you live, is there a big university hospital close by?), a different psychiatrist.

 

About BP: (from the little you have said it's difficult to make an educated guess, what you are suffering from; self diagnosis hardly ever works): there are a number of different subtypes. (BP 1, BP 2, ....); you don't have to suffer from mania per se to have a diagnosis within the bipolar range.

 

You should try to find a more qualified doctor and discuss all of your concerns.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I cant go back to doctors. The psychiatrist at my University hated me, and my therapist betrayed me. Im sick of rejection and not being able to trust people. All the doctors want is your money. Im sick of being just another crazy person. I have feelings and concerns about medication and treatment that will rule my life. Im intelligent, Im understanding, and Im a kind hearted person. But when I told my psychiatrist, when she asked if increasing my dose was ok, I said Id rather not, and she told me she cant help me then, instead of talking about alternatives, and basically left me with no option except to take exactly what she wants me to. I know theres more than one medication for the same thing out there, why not try different ones?

 

My mom's an RN, and my stepdads a paramedic/firefighter. I grew up in the medical world, and I used to have nothing but trust and respect. But it is all gone now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But I dont know how to accept the fact that I might need medication and expensive therapy all my life.

 

Unfortunately for most psychiatric diagnosises there are no black and white tests yet, but reading the day that you described it is obvious that something serious is going on, that is interfering with your quality and safety of your life.

 

So the choice is either to accept that you will have to endure these hallucinations which could overtake your life and interfere with every social interaction that you have (I'm not trying to scare you, I am just considering what you have described) or you try to find the appropriate qualified doctor and the appropriate medication and or therapy available.

 

If the financial side is a problem, you may consider to go to one of the bigger research centers and try to participate in one of their clinical trials

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm on 10 mg of Lexapro for anxiety. It works quite well.

 

My friend who was also diagnosed as "bi-polar" Has been on Lexapro for 5 yrs now. I believe she is on 30 mg, as well as ADHD medicine.

 

she stopped going to therapy, because all they did was tell her how crazy she was. When she was TOTALY fine after a few times and the medicine started kicking in, she had made MUCH progress.

 

They would ask her questions like, (she showed me the paperwork)

 

"Jenna wishes she was stronger. What should she do?"

 

And my friend replies, "She should go to the gym"

 

And the therapist wrote down, that by saying this ONE thing it meant she was egotistcal and selfish. How does that say anything about her?

 

If anything, this kind of thing would just bring down your confidence.

 

I wouldn't really reccomend therapy unless you REALLY need it.

 

She got so pissed that she stopped going and she is FINE. She's the one that I ALWAYS come to advice. She is always so calm, and collected.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Again, I am sorry that you had so bad experiences with the psychiatrists so far. And you certainly have a right to be concerned, but to be fair to the medical field: paranoia and feelings of persecution are often accompanying the symptoms that you have described (I'm only saying this may be a possibility that you have not considered yet).

 

I don't think at this moment you have many other options than to try to find the right diagnosis and the right medication.

 

You don't want to feel terrified all your life, that is not a life. You don't want that whatever is causing these "episodes" to overtake your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just dont have the money to go back and try till I find the right one. Its SO expensive to go to meetings, to get different meds every week. I wasted so much money last time, for nothing except to be tired all the time, and go through so many different side affects I couldnt remember what normal was. There HAS to be a cheaper, friendlier way to get help when its a necessity.... Is there?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There HAS to be a cheaper, friendlier way to get help when its a necessity.... Is there?

 

- there is always the possibility to go to the emergency room of your local hospital where they have to treat you. However I would only recommend that as a last resort

 

- as I said above, if you have the option to go to one of the larger research facilities, they are often doing psychiatric evaluations for free if you want to be considered for a clinical trial. You could at least get a diagnosis and still opt out of the trial (or you may not qualify for their particular study, but they will be able to give you advice on your particular diagnosis).

 

In florida, the mayo clinic in jacksonville has an excellent reputation.

 

You could also contact the psychiatric foundation of Florida link removed - they would be able to recommend local doctors etc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As far as I know, at the ER they have to treat everyone for free. The problem there is, that a lot of people try to get treated there and unless you are a real emergency they might have to turn you away or you have to wait very long.

 

If you go in there as an emergency for a psychiatric episode they may opt to have you committed for a week to force you onto medication and to evaluate/ observe you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...