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For the first time in 3 yrs I feel differently towards him!! After whats happened, I just dont care!


misspearl

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Hi guys,

 

I have been in love with the same guy for nearly three years. We have been on and off. For the most part though, we've been together in a solid, intense 'i'll be with you forever' (and actually meant it when we said it) type of relationship. We haven't been with anyone else, in any shape or form, during the relationship OR the break-ups. So its about 5/6 months since the last break up and I've been posting about how he's suddenly come back into my life ,texting me etc. He basically has showed me that he's forgiven me for all the drama we went through. He indicated that he wanted to be friends. I accepted. Then he started asking me all these questions...whether i ever miss us, etc. Then asked if i want to be set up with some guys he knows (purely just to test my reaction), and just generally acting very puzzling and annoying. The annoying aspect of him is more so because he dresses up everything he actually wants to say, as though he's afraid of a naked honesty- he wouldn't just straight up say 'how do you feel about this, how do you feel about that, because this is the way i feel'. No, everything is 'played cool' by him. But I can read him quite well anyway, and i get frustrated. We met up a couple of times. And the second time we met up, at the end of the night he kissed me, we made out. Then he said it's the wrong thing to do, so I told him not to contact me anymore and I went back to NC.

 

Then, a few days later, I sent him a text saying 'Don't worry about the other night, I was just being unreasonable saying I never wanted to talk to you again. There was nothing wrong with acting instinctively'. And he was really really really surprised at this, and kept saying he doesn't understand how I have changed my tune etc. Then we had this whole conversation (via text though) about 'What do you want?' So I simply said to him, 'As much as you might be afraid of the consequences, I know what you want, I know what I want, what's so difficult about this?' And then he said, 'I don't think you know what I want, And I don't think I know what you want'. So I said, 'Do you know what YOU want?' And he said he did- he said 'I don't want to get too involved and risk my life getting messed up like before, but I do like being with you. So I just want to have a relaxed good time. But it seems impossible for you not to want to get serious'. And I said 'What makes you think I want to ruin my life, I have a life too etc.' ANYWAY, he said he wasn't sure what I wanted, so we met up later that night, he kissed me after 5 minutes of seeing me saying I just look so beautiful he can't resist, we made out again but then 5 minutes later I had to go off abruptly because of an emergency.

 

Then, half an hour later he texts me saying 'I can't do that again. It didn't feel like the right thing to do. I'm sorry'. And then i replied with a really really long text, saying once and for all, (to summarise loads)- 'I want to be with you, but you're just being weird, and you seem to want to be with me but clearly don't want to have the involvement we used to have. So, either we go NC again which i am fine with, or we just stay as friends, no fooling around, and see how we feel as the weeks/months go by. Make a decision'

 

And then, after like 5 hours, he replies one line saying 'It's you, I just can't say no to you...'

 

 

So, I was surprised that a) he gave such a short response and b) he was positive somewhat. But, I still don't know what the hell it means. My friends are saying it means he's saying 'yes let be together' but I don't think so- I think it's him saying 'I really want to say yes but I can't, yet I really don't want to say no'. I think it's him just doing the exact opposite of what I told him to- making a decision.

 

I've come to this conclusion. He wants me there. He doesn't want me to go away. He is afraid of losing me, and losing contact with me permenantly. Yet, he is afraid of commitment and that's clearly not what he wants. So, it's a comfort to know that he does want me, and it wouldn't take much for him to get his skates on. As soon as he realises I'm at loss, he'll secure things with me, I think.

 

And how i feel about it?- I'm not upset AT ALL. I don't CARE!!!!!!! For the first time ever, I just don't care. He's killed the passion of it all with his ridiculous hot/cold behaviour. I've gone off him, because of his lack of stability and ability to make a decision. He doesn't go for what he wants whole heartedly - what is attractive about that? Why would I want to be with someone who is treating me this way? One of the big reasons I was so in love with him was because he always put me first, and he never prioritised much above me. But, now, this has gone way too far. I just can't take him SERIOUSLY you know? he's just so scared and reluctant. Whatever he says doesn't surprise me as much anymore. So I've decided to live my life as before, and just leave the contact up to him. If he wants to see me, he'll have to say it himself. I'm not stepping forward, and I'm definitely not going to chase him anymore. I've made my stance perfectly clear. I wont allow myself to get in the least affected. And until he shows me that he can be a man, and proves that i can take what he says seriously, I'm not going to bother. It feels good.

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Hi Misspearl. I'm glad you'd detached yourself from a potentially painful situation but you dropped a bomb when you said " One of the big reasons I was so in love with him was because he always put me first, and he never prioritized much above me"

 

This is a bit of a loaded statement. Allow me to speak from my own standpoint here having just gotten out of a relationship myself where I did the exact same thing as mentioned in this statement. I put her above EVERYTHING including my own health. In the end it bombed and both of us were unhappy.

 

Be sure to keep in check when someone practically worships you like this because it may show that they lack self confidence and seek "the missing link" inside you. A person has to learn that if you can't love and respect yourself first any relationship is doomed to fail.

 

You said it yourself, you end up unable to take them seriously because they tend to live in a fantasy world and full of confusion between said world and reality. They just can't make a decision. No contact is the right thing to do. If he ever figures out what it is he wants, it may or may not be you. Right now he's guarding his heart because of the several times in the past it has likely been broken.

 

At least that's what I'm like. But I do find a remarkable similarity to your situation verses mine. I guess I'm just rambling heh. Good for you for to you be brave enough and strong enough to recognize this now and not later when his indecision would have a bigger hold on you. Good luck! You'll find the right one sooner or later! We just have to be the right one first to attract the right one!

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Seems like he has some grudges or issues under the surface that hes trying to let go, or whatever other variables preventing him from fully committing to you. I think you did a great job in putting it on the table for him, saying this is how it is, and this is how we'll proceed. Put him on the spot. But saying "I just can't say no to you" is a crappy response and not what you're looking for. So if I were you, I would follow up and say you know, not being able to say no to me isn't really an answer. Its one or the other, and I'd really appreciate a response X.

 

If he needs it, explain to him again that you want to be with him but that this is unhealthy. He needs to man up and make up his mind. Don't settle for anything less than a straight up answer, you deserve nothing less. I think its great that at the end of your post you realized all of this, how the lack of stability in a man is a really tell-tale about the character of that man.

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Hi misspearl,

 

I read your other post on this subject too and I can completely relate to your situation. Mine is very similar to yours, only I am the guy in my 'relationship'.

 

I'm too familiar with the sheer frustration of being in love with someone but not being able to be with them, regardless if you're sure they feel the same way about you. The hot/cold behaviour, afraid of commitment etc.

 

All I wanted to say is that you're spot on with your last paragraph. It is exactly the way I feel about this lady in my situation. It's been at least 2 weeks now since I've taken this approach and I can say I feel a lot better about myself and where I'm heading at the moment in my life. I've shifted my main focus on me and I'm enjoying every moment of it.

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