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For the guys: Do you have an expectation of sex? (in the following scenario..)


secretness87
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I'm not currently dating anyone, but this has been on my mind for about a day or two and I'm just curious to see what you guys think.

 

Guys, if you were exclusively dating a girl (maybe for about 1-3 months already), who was not a virgin, would you expect her to have sex with you? Of course not right away, but after during an appropriate amount of time? How would you react or feel if she told you she wanted to wait longer, or if she now wanted to be celibate until marriage? Would you guys be able to tolerate that? (The farthest she'd be comfortable with is just making out)

 

The reason I ask is because I lost my virginity to my now ex-bf 2 months ago. Now that I think about it, I regret doing what I did back then (he just pressured me a lot). So if I start to date anytime soon, after a while I'd probably tell him that I'm waiting to have sex, possibly even become celibate (when I was a virgin, I was planning to wait till marriage...but that didn't work out). I told myself that the next time I'd want to have sex is when I'm in love with the guy, or married. If I tell the guy my reasoning, I'd probably tell him that I may be planning on being celibate till marriage, or when I'm ready. I don't want to tell him anything to him like, "I will when I'm in love with you" because what if that never happens with that particular guy? So yeah....

 

If you guys were dating a girl in my situation, how would you feel? She's not a virgin (only had 1 sex partner previously. You would be her 2nd if she let you), but tells you that she's probably going to wait a long time to have sex (so having sex with her would be pretty slim) .. would that bother you?

 

Please reply! I'd love to hear all of your opinions, girls welcome too

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Ok, well, you and I are carbon copies of one another aside from the obvious (I am male).

 

I've had one previous partner (ex-gf, serious ltr) and after that experience I think I just value intimacy more than sex. Sure, sex feels great. It's fun -- but nothing compares to how I felt in those moments where I thought that she was going to be the person I would be with forever. It was those moments that I cherished and it is those moments that I miss more than anything else. Yeah, that sounds naive and stupid to some people and I'm sure there will be guys out there that will not be comfortable or patient enough to wait on someone making this decision.

 

However, the goal here is not to give yourself an incredible amount of mass appeal -- all you need to do is establish your own values/beliefs (which you are doing here) and then seek someone who can respect them and/or shares them from the getgo. It's probably something guys would want to know prior to 3 months down the road, though. I understand it's not the easiest thing to talk about early on because of the stigma but if it's important to you I'd bring it up early on.

 

Do I have "expectation levels" though? No. Everyone is different. All I expect is good communication so that we're both on the same page.

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After 1-3 months of no sex...I would wonder what was wrong with (wow...w x 6) myself. I havent met a girl that I was dating that long and who didnt want to have sex with me.

 

If I were you, I would tell the next guy that you are thinking about becoming celibate. He deserves to know.

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After 1-3 months of no sex...I would wonder what was wrong with (wow...w x 6) myself. I havent met a girl that I was dating that long and who didnt want to have sex with me.

 

If I were you, I would tell the next guy that you are thinking about becoming celibate. He deserves to know.

 

Well of course I would let him know.

 

I'm just wondering, in case the conversation hadn't steered into that direction of sex yet. When I meet the guy, I'm not going to straight up say "Nice to meet you. Oh, by the way... I'm celibate" lol

 

I would've thought 3 months into dating was still too early.. but I guess that's just me.

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Well of course I would let him know.

 

I'm just wondering, in case the conversation hadn't steered into that direction of sex yet. When I meet the guy, I'm not going to straight up say "Nice to meet you. Oh, by the way... I'm celibate" lol

 

I would've thought 3 months into dating was still too early.. but I guess that's just me.

 

 

LOL yeah I know.

 

Yeah of course all men are different...but for me, three months screams "friend zone...get away now". Actually, depending on the situation and depending on the chick...two months or even a month might scream the same thing to me.

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Do I count (I've never had sex, or even a relationship yet)? Probably based on my lack of experience, I'd have no real expectations for sex. I could probably wait as long as any girl wanted to, really. After all, it's not like I know what I'm missing out on, eh? Plus, it'd put my mind at ease, in a weird sort of way, that if she values sex that much, she's probably not going to be running around cheating on me behind my back. To be fair, though, I think the *discussion* about sex should come up some time within 1-3 months; not necessarily the act itself, but once two people become comfortable enough with each other, they should at least communicate about the topic, whether it's expressing their desire to wait to do it, or what. Otherwise, I imagine some awkward situations could ensue.

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Ok, Maybe I'm just built different. I wouldn't be comfortable having sex before marriage. As a guy, I think having kids or doing that kind of thing is too serious to just do for pleasure. If something were to come of that, a child might be in the picture. Then other things might happen. And for 3 months?! Seriously?! Slow down. You can't possibly have seen everything there is to see about him in 3 months! You need to see his good, and even more his bad! What happens when this nice guy you dated and had a child with ends up being abusive unexpectedly? I'm not saying anything about anyone in particular, just worse case scinerio. That kind of thing does happen. If sex is so Important to him that he has to have it withing 3 months of the first date, then he's probably just useing you. If he truly loves you for you, he'll wait.

 

Don't allow yourself to be a piece of skin to a guy.

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you should try not to solve problems that only exist in certain scenarios that do NOT yet exist.

 

You know how you feel now, or you are getting an idea, but you have really no clue what you will feel or who you will know a month down the line or more.

 

Right now you are single, enjoy it. dont worry about problems that arent even problems yet.

 

ps. i dont expect what happened with you and your ex to have not left a bad taste in your mouth. sex 101 says never do anything you are being pressured into or arent comfortable doing. and remember, your ex doesnt represent the entire male popluation at large. decent men do exist.

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Some people like to take it slow, but I don't. I'm pretty damn passionate and go full tilt, so no sex by 3rd or 4th date and it's NEXT. I've got about 17 years of relationship/dating experience and IMO it's just too easy to fall into the friend zone without getting physical by a certain point.

 

I should also note that I've been with women who wanted to wait until they were married, and I've been with women that usually like to take it slow, and all but 1 has flipped a 180 when they're with me. I bring that kind of passion to the relationship, so if we don't get physically intimate as a sort of release then things end up burning out and we just end up frustrated which leads us to backing up and ending as really close friends.

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No sex by 3rd or 4th date and it's NEXT. IMO it's just too easy to fall into the friend zone without getting physical by a certain point.

 

I disagree. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year and still haven't had sex (I'm 17 and he's 23). I'm still just not ready to move to that next level but that definitely doesn't mean he is in the friend zone. Some people just take a little longer to be more comfortable with it.

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Yeah, I know now it's too soon =/ I made the mistake of sleeping with my ex for the first time 3 months into dating him and I regretted it a lot. I guess because it was my first time, and with him, he told me he couldn't just go from having sex, to not having sex.. and before that, when we would talk about sex in general, he would just say "well, when you're ready" meaning, when I would be ready to lose it to him. I guess he made me feel pressured that way, because before he even said that to me, I wasn't even thinking of sex.. or even having sex with him. But since he said that, a little part of me knew I would probably lose it too him after a while.. which sucked. He also told me he'd be patient and wait for me, but I guess in the end, he wasn't too patient because even before we had real sex, he would sorta ease me into oral and stuff. For sure when I date again, I'm gonna take things much slower.

 

 

 

Are you serious? What if you knew the girl was a virgin, or inexperienced.. or had bad experiences with it? You'd still "next" her just because you want sex? Because if she was a virgin or inexperienced, I don't think it'd be that easy to get her into sex and stuff. What if by those 3-4 dates, everything else was really really great, and you guys had really good chemistry, even though you guys hadn't had sex yet? In my opinion, I just think sex by the 3rd or 4th date is WAY too early =/

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It doesn't matter what someone you're dating expects. The lesson you have gained from your past experience says not to do anything before you're ready. It all depends on what you're ready for nothing more, nothing less. All guys want sex whether they have feelings for you or not. Anyone who expects or pressures you for it is not worth your time and you need to move on until you find someone who understands you.

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Honestly it would probably most likely be a deal breaker for me. At the very least I'd have to be madly in love and even then I'd start to lean against it.

 

I would want sex. It is one of the best parts of the relationship. Half the relationship to me. I'd respect her decision but if she held out too long she probably wouldn't be the one for me.

 

If I am gonna be in a relationship with somebody I am going to require sex before marriage and not have to wait for a very long time. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect. I have needs and I also want to have sex with somebody who I like enough to want to be with and being abstinent is going to lead to even more frustration than being abstinent and single.

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I have an expectation of sex when I am in a relationship after an appropriate period of time. The fact that she has a hang up about sex doesnt factor into my expectation. I respect her desire to want to wait for marriage or a longer time. At the same time I respect the fact that i enjoy having sex and frustration on my part will set in if I am not able to have sex with a girl that I am in a relationship with just because she had a previous bad experience. I would let her know that I am not willing to wait and I would just leave it at that.

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Let's look at it from this angle, shall we? Say you are dating a guy and it turns out he isn't ok with waiting until you are ready if that may mean months, years, or marriage. Guess what? He just toweled off and removed himself from your dating pool.

 

It doesn't matter at all what their expectations are. It is YOUR expectations that matter, and you expect for a guy to respect your wishes when it comes to sex. They have to meet YOUR expectations. Yay for having a working and pretty accurate (insert your favorite substitution for the word jerk here) detector!

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It doesn't matter at all what their expectations are. It is YOUR expectations that matter, and you expect for a guy to respect your wishes when it comes to sex. They have to meet YOUR expectations. Yay for having a working and pretty accurate (insert your favorite substitution for the word jerk here) detector!

 

Respecting one's wishes to wait and meeting their expectations of waiting is two different things. I can respect a woman's wish to wait and not meet that expectation with them by leaving them if it is not my wish to wait to the same extent as her wish is. Why does that make a person a 'insert your favorite substitution for the work jerk here'. I'd hardly consider breaking up over incompatibilities worthy of being labeled a jerk.

 

Edit. A problem is some people would consider breaking up over it to be 'pressuring' them into sex even though it isn't. So how do you break up with someone due to lack of sexual compatibility without being labeled as pressuring them.

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Are you serious? What if you knew the girl was a virgin, or inexperienced.. or had bad experiences with it? You'd still "next" her just because you want sex? Because if she was a virgin or inexperienced, I don't think it'd be that easy to get her into sex and stuff. What if by those 3-4 dates, everything else was really really great, and you guys had really good chemistry, even though you guys hadn't had sex yet? In my opinion, I just think sex by the 3rd or 4th date is WAY too early =/

 

Read my post again. I fleshed it out a bit since when I posted before I was in a rush.

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Some people like to take it slow, but I don't. I'm pretty damn passionate and go full tilt, so no sex by 3rd or 4th date and it's NEXT. I've got about 17 years of relationship/dating experience and IMO it's just too easy to fall into the friend zone without getting physical by a certain point.

 

I should also note that I've been with women who wanted to wait until they were married, and I've been with women that usually like to take it slow, and all but 1 has flipped a 180 when they're with me. I bring that kind of passion to the relationship, so if we don't get physically intimate as a sort of release then things end up burning out and we just end up frustrated which leads us to backing up and ending as really close friends.

 

I guess that is another way to look at it. I always had the mentality that waiting a while was better though.. so that there's still mystery and excitement with being with someone. Like I think if people were to sleep with each other all soon, there's like no mystery left. I guess for me, mystery is what keeps me intrigued.

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I guess that is another way to look at it. I always had the mentality that waiting a while was better though.. so that there's still mystery and excitement with being with someone. Like I think if people were to sleep with each other all soon, there's like no mystery left. I guess for me, mystery is what keeps me intrigued.

 

Sex can be a fun private activity you share with your partner. It doesn't have to be this romanticized monumental event that had all this religious dogma heaped upon it. That actually ruins it in my opinion and sets people up for failure by not finding out if they're sexually compatible ahead of time. Just look at this thread to see what I mean...

 

 

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I would never pressure a girl into sex. It's wrong, and it's the girl's choice whether she wants to get physical or not.

 

The right thing to do here is to break up, sadly. Waiting for marriage is definitely not an option, seeing as I've been with a girl who was great up until sex, then turned out to be terrible in bed forcing me to break up. If I found out something like that during the wedding night... gosh, I'd shoot myself.

 

And even dating a hot girl whose pants I can't get into? Kissing, petting, going through the motions of a relationship but in the end settling for a handjob? To quote Col. Kurtz from Apocalypse Now:

 

"The horror... the horror..."

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Respecting one's wishes to wait and meeting their expectations of waiting is two different things. I can respect a woman's wish to wait and not meet that expectation with them by leaving them if it is not my wish to wait to the same extent as her wish is. Why does that make a person a 'insert your favorite substitution for the work jerk here'. I'd hardly consider breaking up over incompatibilities worthy of being labeled a jerk.

 

Edit. A problem is some people would consider breaking up over it to be 'pressuring' them into sex even though it isn't. So how do you break up with someone due to lack of sexual compatibility without being labeled as pressuring them.

 

I absolutely agree with this. I am not waiting for six months to have sex with a girl. That's six months to find out if are sexually compatible, risking the friends zone or having a relationship where the sex never happens and if the person is that nervous about sex it also makes me wonder if they are stable enough to be in a relationship to begin with.

 

If the person thinks I am a jerk for not waiting then that person probably has control issues with men.

I respect their decision not to want sex and I would in turn expect them to respect mine not to want to be in a relationship that isn't meeting my sexual needs. I shouldn't be pressured not to be in a relationship that isn't or might not meet my sexual needs.

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