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Confused: Don't know what to do


WizardofOz

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Here is a brief explanation of my issue:

I am 23 and my girlfriend is 27. We have been official for four months and things are going well. We both acknowledge that we really like one another. We were talking tonight and our age gap happened to come up. She told me that she really liked me but I am younger than her (I also happen to look young for my age). She said that sometimes she feels like she is ready to settle down and get married and other times she says she isn't ready at all. I got the idea that she was insinuating that I wouldn't be the one that she would settle down with because of my age. While I am still very young, I wouldn't put it out of the question that I would spend the rest of my life with her. I would have no problem getting married at 23, 24 or 25 as long as I was confident that she was the one.

 

What do I do here? I don't want to be used for a few months while she waits to find someone else. At the same time it would destroy me to end things with her now because of our age and what she said. What do I say to her? Maybe she is worried that I think I am too young to get married? I am lost here.

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I dont think shes trying to get rid of you when some one better comes along or doesnt see you as long term potential material. I think she just doesnt want to scare you in making you think that shes ready to settle down thus making you feel trapped. In a situation as yours I would just tell her how you feel and make it clear to her that you dont want to be just a "time-filler" for her. Although this age gap may seem like a lot right now you both have to understand and realize that this gap will not be such a big deal when you hit your 30s or 40s. Let her know that youre not worried about the age thing and see if she is willing to look past it. Keep in mind that 4 years is nothing, people have had great long term relationships and marriages with 10+ years difference

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Age is only a number! it doesnt matter w hat age you are its what age you portray yourself to be. you have some people out there that are very young and have values and the mind frame of an adult twice their age. I've dated men up to 8 years older than me and they've acted like pure children. You just cant judge a persons mentality by their age. In my 21 years i've experience more than a woman up to twice my age, my mother even says so. You just need to let her know how you feel about her and that no matter how young you are you know when youre ready to do something and no one else can tell you when youre ready!

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The age gap is more of an issue for her than me. She thinks people will think she is weird for dating down in age. Her family really likes me but also think that I am too young. They want her to settle down soon; perhaps they believe that I would oppose this and thereforee they want her to find someone else.

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I think she's seeking for assurance. She's probably feels trapped that she's older than you. I know i was sort of shocked and somewhat hesitant when i found out that my boyfriend is 6 months younger than me. He told me that he doesn't mind and it shouldn't matter to me if we really like each other. His words comforted me. It was a big step for me since i've always been conscious about age. But i didn't want to not give us a try just because of age.

 

If she really likes you and sees herself as wanting to spend the rest of her life with you, then why should it matter? If she still can't get herself around it, especially when you look younger than your age, then why can't youse both wait a bit longer? Maybe bringing the marriage topic into your relationship isn't the best thing to do atm.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think you both should take it slow as it's only been 4 months, and not ask yourselves and each other if you are "the one"... I also think that if a 4 year age gap is an issue, maybe there are other bigger concerns causing the problem. 4 years is not much of an age gap to me... I do think that 23 years old is very young to think of "settling down" but one has to define what that means for them and discuss it with their partner and you have to ask yourself what you really want, say in the next ten years. think of yourself and your happiness, not of what you have to do to keep her in your life. If keeping her in your life is what you really want, say, a year from now, then obvioulsy it is part of what you want and what makes you happy. For me "settling down" doesn't make that much sense. becasue I don't want to have children and I still don't have such a clear picture of what I want for the next several years. I do want a partner, but should I decide to go work abroad for a couple of months and I happen to have a partner at the time, well, I think he shold be ok with letting me go because he wants me to be happy. I don't want to be put in a prison and be trapped like somebody mentionned.

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I've told her several times that the age gap isn't an issue at all to me. She never said that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and neither have I. Her words were: I really like you but you are young

 

 

take that as a hesitation on her part and don't get your hopes up. take it slow. when somebody says "I like you BUT..." then they are uncomfortable with something and that issue is not gonna disappear. it all depends on her goals, her comfort level, etc.... for example, if she wants kids within the next 5 years, and she thinks that you will only be say 26-28 when she is ready, she may in her mind feel that you will not be sure enough that YOU want to settle down, be a dad, etc....

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