ladylay Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I am 23 years old and have been in a relationship for almost a year now. We waited about a month to have sex, and then after that were having sex several times a week. I have a healthy sexual appetite and enjoy sex several times a week. Even after the honeymoon period seemed to have ended we were having sex at least once a week. Sure, there was a lull here and there because of stressfull schedules, but in general...at least weekly. For the last 4 months, however, we have only had sex 5 times. I try to get my boyfriend in the mood, but he gives excuses like he is too tired. Last night he apologized for his lack of labedo. Only thing is, I NEED more sex. Do you think it is unreasonable to want sex more than once a month? I have talked to him about it and he says he wants to get better, but as much as he says this, I have not seen more sex (and I have tried!) I feel ugly and undesirable...and frustrated...and now feel like it's time to break up. What do you think. Other than the sex the relationship is ok...not great (we fight a lot) but ok. PS: he doesn't know yet, but I stopped taking my birth control. I am not paying to put something into my body that I am not sure is the most healthy thing if I am not going to use it and condoms are a cheaper alternative if sex is only happening once a month (even though he hates condoms and will not be happy when he finds out) Link to comment
waveseer Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 What do you fight about? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 PS: he doesn't know yet, but I stopped taking my birth control. I am not paying to put something into my body that I am not sure is the most healthy thing if I am not going to use it and condoms are a cheaper alternative if sex is only happening once a month (even though he hates condoms and will not be happy when he finds out) Have you had sex since you stopped taking the pill? Because he'll be even less happy if you get pregnant. Has your bf been through any changes in circumstance in the last 4 months? Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 There really isn't a number on how much sex is enough. However, I strongly feel that if he doesn't put as much effort into wanting to get intimate with you - this can cause to be a major issue. Sex is really important in a relationship and he needs to realize this. I would try to talk to him again, and make him understand how much this is affecting your relationship and let him know that although time and time again he says that he wants to change, his actions are showing you otherwise. I can't say that it's a great idea to just break up over lack of sex, but if he isn't putting any effort into it and isn't willing to change, you'll have to do what you'll have to do. Good luck. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 How much sex is enough is determined by the couple in the relationship. Here, you aren't receiving enough. If it's been several months, maybe its time to realize the sexual incompatibility here. If nothing is changing, despite efforts of spicing things up, communicating, working together, etc...accept that he has a low level of sex drive, or move on to someone who meets your sexual drive. Sometimes if the relationship is off, the sexual chemistry isn't there. Does he masturbate? If he has time/energy for that, then I think there's a much larger problem here. Other factors like stress, alcohol/drugs, poor nutrition/health can play into affect. But it seems that this naturally progressed as the relationship did. It went from several times a week, to once a week, to once every few months. Seems like there may be a bigger issue going on. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 the lack of sex could be due to an unaddressed issue in the relationship. (you say you fight a lot). Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 5 times in 4 months is perfect for me....saves my strength for the golf season Link to comment
ladylay Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 yes...we fight about the most petty things. He can be very judgmental, and at first I didn't think he judged me, but now I feel more and more like he does judge me. We have not had sex since I stopped my birth control. Of course I will tell him before that he must use a condom. I feel terrible, because I feel like I stopped out of spite. At first he would help me remember to take it at the same time every night and even offered to split the cost. Then, later, he stopped calling to remind me...and basically had little to do with it. When I didn't' have time to run to the pharmacy and pick it up and asked him to pick it up for me, he said he was too busy and he didn't want to pick up MY perscription. Now, I just don't feel like taking it...remembering the time, paying the monthly fee, and putting a substance that i don't really need into my body. I feel like with condoms it would be a much more mutual responsibility. Link to comment
ladylay Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 5 times in 4 months is perfect for me....saves my strength for the golf season ...but isn't it a problem if golf season is much more important than intimacy with the person you claim to love? Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 ...but isn't it a problem if golf season is much more important than intimacy with the person you claim to love? i didn't see that word LOVE in your post....so that would be a problem and it sounds like he is losing interest in that part of your relationship--how old is the gentleman? Link to comment
ladylay Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 i didn't see that word LOVE in your post....so that would be a problem and it sounds like he is losing interest in that part of your relationship--how old is the gentleman? he is 27...i'm 23...and, I guess I should have mentioned that he tells me he loves me a lot. Link to comment
Kantriakhor Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I think working on the fighting, as well as the issues behind it, will make this current issue either solved or at least easier to deal with on its own. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 he is 27...i'm 23...and, I guess I should have mentioned that he tells me he loves me a lot. Does his actions show it in other areas? Does he go above and beyond for you, and take time to make sure you're satisfied outside the bedroom?Saying I love you means crap if they don't show it you, and show their love for you and the relationship. For some people, the emotional connection needs to be there and the relationship needs some stability and excitment to spread over into the bedroom. I'd work on out of bedroom issues first. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 The fighting and judgemental attitude needs to be addressed. He also might be having some issues with you that he is not being open about. You both need to discuss this and get everything out in the open. The lack of sex is just a symptom..there is something more serious going on here which you both need to address. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 he is 27...i'm 23...and, I guess I should have mentioned that he tells me he loves me a lot. i lost interest in women when I felt they were not living up to my expectations as a gf Link to comment
ladylay Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 this is true...I find myself questioning more and more whether or not I am actually in love with him. I will become determined to break up with him...but then he does something really nice or great Link to comment
ladylay Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 i lost interest in women when I felt they were not living up to my expectations as a gf What do you mean? what were your expectations and why were'nt they being lived up to? Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 this is true...I find myself questioning more and more whether or not I am actually in love with him. I will become determined to break up with him...but then he does something really nice or great Him doing one nice gesture is not a reason to remain. There needs to be consistency, in many areas. That's where I think the difference is between being in love with someone, and not being. Being in love isn't a light switch that turns on and off. There are issues that need to be worked on, and if you're both committed, won't have problems in doing so. Like mentioned, the lack of sex from him is just a symptom, most likely of a much bigger problem. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 What do you mean? what were your expectations and why were'nt they being lived up to? their job got in the way, they got clingy or started to want more of my time... Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 For me 2 times a week would be enough, ok once even as long as we had oral sex 2 times a week as well lol. I'd settle for less though. But 5 times in 4 months? Very little for me and I'd get a bit worried my bf's passion was dwindeling. I would worry myself just imaging what things will be like in 3 years? Once in 2 months maybe?! If we haven't had any form of sexual pleasuring in 1-2 weeks I already begin to wonder what could be up. Link to comment
white lily Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 M boy and I have similar issues in that he wants it more than me (we usually manage AT LEAST once a week though) I think Asti mentioned that for some people the emotional connection needs to be there, maybe he is one of those people? Do you do other things to let him know he is loved? If you don't feel loved then often it is hard to be in the mood as sex starts to feel an obligation, although usually it is us girls that suffer from this more than boys. Infact I think I read once that for boys sex is a physical necessity due to the accumulation of sperm, perhaps this is a medical issue? Link to comment
delicous Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Never too much for me=) that is, I never really get to cum.., Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I think you guys have some major trust issues and communication problems. Why have you told him that you stopped birth control? When is the last time you two just had fun? Are you still affectionate to each other. I don't think sex is the problem, it's that you've grown apart over time. Sex is just one of the issues, because growing apart has lead to less sex. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Infact I think I read once that for boys sex is a physical necessity due to the accumulation of sperm, perhaps this is a medical issue? You didn't read that in a medical book. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 maybe he has alot going on personally. If he is having function problems he needs to excercise more, good food diet, some herbal supplements can help. Dont put to much pressure on him though. I love sex and my girl wants it like 3 or more times a day and sometimes im just not in the mood so when im pressured it makes me feel forced to get it up and the anxiety will kick in and just makes things worse. work on the fighting because that definitly doesnt put the person in the mood for sex. Link to comment
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