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advice needed ASAP for a Taboo love story...


princessSHS364

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i need some advice. its on a very sensitive and taboo subject so please, dont judge and keep an open mind. feedback and opinions are not only appreciated but desperatley needed.

 

I am in love with a man who i have been involved with for almost a year. to tell you about the whole story would involve more characters then i think this online account would allow.(if interested on details then ask) Just trust me when i say that were perfect together. "like a glove" as he'd put it. we have our own lil regemin. we work together, we have set dates for breakfast and "rendezvousing" as we call it. we spend nights together occasionally. and i'm crazy about the guy. He makes me a better person, and i'm "the blessing in his life" as he'd say. Hes help me grow up and do things that nobody else would support me in. for instance: i knew one day i wanted to be a medic. but everyone doubted me. he pushed me and a few heart to hearts later i'm proud to say i am in medic school. and doing extremely well. we work together in EMS. and hang out for hours after we get off shift. I'm a person with little confidence and he definatly is my hero, and points me in the right direction. hes that person whos walking behind me every step of the way saying "you can do it" when everyone else says i cant.

 

Now heres the Major malfunctions in this "friendship": i'm 19. you never would have known that if i hadnt told you, most the time i'm taken for a 23-26 year old. i'm very mature for my age, to say the least. and i've been through more in life then most people who are 15 years older then i. Now ready for the shocker? hes 43....married...with kids....dont judge and please listen...

 

i knew, he was open and told me this in the beginning. but i got involved anyways. but not right away. it was friends and just holding and kissing for the first 3 months. hes assured me and pretty much proved theres no relationship with his wife. hes been with other women (her unknowingly) for the past 5+ years. and if it wasnt for the kids he'd of left a long time ago. and i understand this, i would never want anything to ruin his relationship with his kids. but now i'm lost and this is what i dont get...hes with me the majority of the time. hes a workaholic. and our schedules coincide with eachother so we work the same shifts together. its pretty much how me met/got this whole thing started. and on the days we dont work together i'll go and visit him @ work. so pretty much not a day goes by were not together...and not a minuet passes i dont think of him.

 

My problem: what do i do? he told me in the beginning it was a dead end st. that he wasnt leaving his kids. yet he contradicts himself all the time. saying he wishes i was all his. yet he cant give me what he whats to or what i deserve. he told me once that "were not an item" "were not together, because i cant be due to my situation" and yet he's with me all the time. he tells me to move on. but if i start dating someone else he gets extremely jealous. and throws out jabs that make me go back to him. i love the man. i truly do. and he tells me that he cant imagine me not in his life, and that when we do stop this "thing" we have, that hes not going anywhere he wants to be in my life and always wants to be there for me, and hopes that i'll still confide in him the way i do now...he doesnt say he loves me...but has said that "i'm the easiest person to love and adore" that i'm "precious" and "a blessing"...and when i asked him if he loved me he smiled and holding his arms said "this much".

 

i dont know how to handle this. its been almost a year. and what kills me is not knowing whats to come. i dont want to play the game of "the other woman" forever. and its a lose/lose situation if the wife does find out cuz she'd take the kids and he'd go back to his home state. but at the same time remaining the way we are i cant really have him the way i want. i need some serious advice. there is so much omitted from this passage...just know that the way he acts and the things he risks just to see me shows how much he cares.

right now i havent talked to him in 2 days...and thats because i told him exactly "please, leave me alone for awhile. i need some time to think"....i'm hurting. big time. and i dont know why. i'm trying to put some distance between us for my own good but its killing me. i even swapped shifts at work for the week so i wount have to see him...and that was the hardest thing. i dont know what to do. or where to go...please friends...some input, opinions and advice. and asap. because i miss having him in my live so so so so much.

 

-MAH

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I have to echo what not alone said above. Except for the mentoring part.

 

What this older married man is telling you needs to be realized on your own. You should not need him to tell you these things. Just have faith in yourself. Easier said than done. I know...but don't depend on him to make you think you can do something.

 

I won't judge your situation, been there myself years ago...it sucks.

The bottom line is that you know what you need to do. It's just a matter of doing it. Yes, he's risking alot to be with you, but he has done this b4 over the last 5 yrs as you had mentioned. As mean as it sounds, your relationship isn't any different from the ones he's had in the past. He hasn't left his Wife in either relationship.

With him cheating on his Wife over the last 5 yrs...that doesn't say much about his character.

 

When you try to move on and see other ppl...let him get jealous and take cheap shots. He's the one who hasn't done anything to be with you. (I'm not in favor of breaking up a marriage) but if someone is going to cheat repeatedly, they might as well be fair to their spouse and end the marriage so they can do these things without hurting anyone.

 

What is comes down to is that, you can stay and be the other woman. He will either end things or his Wife will find out. They usually do in these situations.

By staying, you are helping him cheat and lie. Not just on his Wife, but he is cheating on and lying to his kids as well. They can't mean that much to him if he's done this for 5 yrs.

So, he's not just staying for the kids. You need to realize that.

 

Other option is to end things. Heal from this and eventually move on to something/someone better. With someone who is available. Don't you want a b/f you can atleast walk down the street with?

If you two can love freely...then it's not love.

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Unfortunately there are some mentors who take advantage of their young female "protegés" and figure that in addtition to career lessons they should give them lots of bedroom lessons. He is taking advantage of your youth and naiveté and willingness to perform and impress him. This is a bad situation and wrong on all levels and you clearly know it. It doesn't matter what kind of job you do and how high powered you are if you don't have morals and integrity. He is cheating on his wife and you are stealing another woman's husband for brief moments of pleasure. So whatever great things you may end up doing with your education and career, the bottom line is that you are a woman capable of disrespecting the relationship of others and not caring. So you go into a line of work which helps physical suffering but yet you do something which contributes to someone else's emotional suffering..without batting an eyelash. End this relationship because it will go nowhere. He is feeding you all kinds of sweet talk to keep you as a sex partner. In essense you are like a prostitute, instead of money he is giving your career pointers and in exchange you are giving him sex. How nice for him..he gets sex on the job without having to leave work and go to the red light district. This is a bad setup and one that will ultimately hurt you. I bet you already have quite the reputation because I am sure it is no secret at work that you Monica Lewinskying your way around work.

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Wow. Thank you i think with each bit of advice i'm given i get a sort of reality slap. to answer your questions: my father and i have always had a rocky relationship. my parents are divorced. and well where my relationship with my father some what exists now...its never been stable ground. i feel like he's never been there for me. and My "friend" def. plays a sort of father figure when it comes to me doing right or wrong...but i dont see it as him filling a void in the department. trust me i've tried to chuck it up to that many times. it just doesnt fit. and i guess you'd have to honestly know me to see just how much of a 19 year old i'm not. and he was honest with me...i was in denial. i couldnt figure out how a married man would get away with never being home and always with another woman. but now the reality of it hits me and he indeed does go home...eventually...and have her still in his life. and thats what kinda started this whole fiasco of me second guessing...and now reaching out for help. thank you so much. its helped...and as much as i try to put myself on a power trip and convince myself that i dont need him and i'd be better off without him...i have hope. where really i shouldnt..yet i hold out. hes like a bad habit and i just dont know how to kick it.

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as stupid as it sounds..and to defend the case a bit...yes hes had other relationships. but in the sense of he had many other people to have relations with. he never "settled with one" like hes doing with me...his character is def. one not of the norm. and i think thats why we just click. we're both so similiar yet so different. it compliments well...hes proven pretty much do doesnt want to be there...hes just there for the kids and i completley and totally understand this...like i said i would never want anything to come between them. but by the same token i told him i'd go on, what i called, a "5 year plan"..which entailed working, and finnishing medic school and precepting as a medic here. and then working out the kinks with us...at first he was all for it and then he turned it into "i dont think i can make that"...its a harsh reality slap, that i have gotten myself involved where i shouldnt. but now feel settled. and think that one day it may be different. but i dont want to hold my hand on my ass forever to find out one day that it never will change...and to quote your "dont you want a boy friend you can at least walk down the stree with"..yes. i do. i wish i had somebody to run errands with me and go places with...but i cant help but think that we'd have that one day. if i was just patient enough. i know...sounds helpless. and thats pretty much how i feel.

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you took it on a different side of the fence. yet thank you for your input. i will agree we have made a name because people at work have found out. we work in whats called "the valley" and everyone knows, or think they know, everything about everyone! and not to sound full of myself but i am a bit of a hot commodity here, and alot of jealous people have tried to intervene.

as he puts it "shes married his not"...shows right there he may have a legal binding but other then that theres nothing there. i respect his relationship with is kids. i've heard about the relationship with her. its not a good one so i dont agree with how you'd view me with my lack of morals and disrespect for her. and i agree it is a bad set up..but i havent figured out yet how exactly to go about moving on...and its hard when you work together all the time...

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>>what kills me is not knowing whats to come

 

Sadly, what comes is nothing... this is a really familiar story that many young women learn the hard way when they date older married men.

 

He's already told you what will happen, that he won't leave his wife, and it's a pattern he's done before. there are many married men who are perfectly happy with their family life with wife and kids, and supplement that with a hot young girl on the side for excitement and sexual variety. And most important, older married guys seek out young girls because the girls are naive enough to think they have a future with him, and they young girl will lavish all kinds of admiration on the older man and build his ego. His wife knows he has feet of clay, but your youth and inexperience means you don't recognize that what he is doing is really totally selfish. He's got it all, and if you push for more, eventually he'll just find another young girl to do this with.

 

his wife may even know he does this and not particularly care. he doesn't want her to know of course because she doesn't want her face rubbed in it and will mostly likely be irritated wtih him, but he's been thru this several times and she doesn't leave, so she won't. and he's made it clear he won't leave her, and that in fact he doesn't even perceive you and he as a couple at all.

 

one reason you see him all the time is because you work together. if you stopped working together and he didn't have such easy access to you and it became less convenient for him, he'd most likely find someone else who is more convenient for him.

 

You have to look at what you're getting from him now, and recognize that this is it, all you'll get, and he has been very clear about that. he even sounds like he's trying to break away a bit, but misses the sex and attention. eventually if you stop being so much 'fun' becuase you get impatient with his married status, he'll just dump you and get someone else.

 

So recognize there is no future in this for you. it's not going anywhere, he's not leaving his wife, he likes the sex and admiration, but is not offering you anything more. Sooner or later too he'll find another young girl, as he has done it before and will do it again. so you'll have wasted a lot of time and your heart, to only get dumped in the end. So recognize this for what it is... get some books on affairs with married men and educate yourself enough to realize what you have with him isn't so special, it's the same old pattern and manipulations that married guys use on single girls to get sex and attention. nothing special about that, though it feels that way to you, his motivation is different than yours. it's really simple, if he loved you he'd leave his wife. he just doesn't, so he stays with her.

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I am sure you were quite a hot commodity...like every young chick who is banging the higher ups...they all want a piece of your a**..but don't imagine that it is for your personality and intelligence...they all want to bed you since you have shown yourself to be eager and willing to be bedded. I am sure the talk about you is none to respectful...probably a lot of nudge nudge wink winks about the positions you and he might be trying out. How seriously do you think you will be taken on the job? You need a real dose of reality here.

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The other problem you have with 'hot commodity' thing is that if guys know you are willing to have an affair with a married guy, many will assume you are a morally loose woman and will be willing to have sex with them, regardless of whether they have girlfriends or not. They're just looking for some easy tail and will chase yours.

 

You also can't be sure that he isn't bragging about you and talking about the sex you have with him behind your back to build his own ego and prove he's still a stud though he's middle aged. So it becomes like a bunch of dogs mobbing a female dog in heat, where they're all after a piece of the action.

 

You don't want to be that girl! and you don't want your reputation totally ruined, that you're someone who succeeds by sleeping with the boss. No one will take you seriously. After you get your medic certification, it is probably best for you to move somewhere where you don't have a reputation as someone who sleeps around with the married bosses.

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And as to your comment that he's been in relationships before, but "never settled with one, like he has with me", you are deluding yourself that you are somehow different and special to him.

 

First, why would you believe him? He's a liar and a cheat-what makes you think he never settled with them? Oh, because he's with YOU now! That means he dumped and discarded the others. You'll be next.

 

Plus, does it really make you feel good that you have won the prize, because he is still with you? This man is a scumbag-you know NOTHING of what goes on at his home, only what he tells you and you are so desperate to hold on to him that you would believe any tale he told you.

 

His ego must be sky-high right now, scoring with a 19 year old? He must think he's really "got it". But he probably saw how easily he could impress and manipulate you into adoring him. Of course he's going to say positive things about your career and your ability to forge ahead. HE WANTS TO KEEP THE SEX GOING.

 

Please wake up-there will be no happy ending here for you. Don't spend years and energy waiting for this man. He'll be on to the next one, STAT when HE decided he's done with you.

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There is so much that I could say although CAD and BSBH covered pretty much everything with their usual insightful posts!

 

I will add that I have been in your shoes when I was a young girl such as yourself and I have to tell you that no good is going to come out of this. I call BS when he says he is only there for the kids.

 

I'm only there for the kids= It's cheaper to keep her.

 

I haven't had sex with my wife in ages= I bang her as often as I can.

 

So he spends a lot of time with you at work, but he still goes home at some point. If he truly wanted to be away from his wife that he has no relationship with, he could just leave and be with whoever makes him happy but that isn't the case because he is where he wants to be.

 

Holidays are the worst. Do you know where a married lover is during holidays? With his wife and family. She's gets the gifts, the money, the husband. You, (the mistress) might get a call or morese likely a text message. You may get a nice little gift, after the fact but not during.

 

The fact that he has told you that he's had other relationships outside his marriage should have been a huge red flag.... Let's say hypothetically speaking, you get your man. He leaves his wife, he is yours. Your special guy is just sooo great and everything is peachy until he meets the next new hot commodity and starts banging her while you are at home and guess what, he'll tell her that he doesn't have a relationship with you.

 

It's a sad vicious cycle that will continue until you find the courage to leave him. Men like him, will NEVER be with just one woman. NEVER

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hon - he will NEVER leave his wife. never. you knkow that already. i think you should just break it off and find a new job. like the others said, this is sullying your reputation at work. in the last year, you have invested your time and energy with ths man who isn't going to be your boyfriend. in that time, you could have met some other nice single man, had a real relationship, and maybe even be engaged by now. you're missing out, and the longer you stay with him, the longer you are putting your own lfie on hold. it's a lose-lose situation, just like you said.

 

get away from him ASAP.

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>>hes proven pretty much do doesnt want to be there...hes just there for the kids and i completley and totally understand this...

 

One more thought on this... he has really proven he DOES want to be with his family, or he'd leave. He's said he doesn't want to be married to you and never will, because he wants his family and is going to stay with his wife and family.

 

Married men who cheat usually have a pattern of looking for excuses to keep the sex and other woman on the hook, while putting off the future date when she gets sick of waiting and leaves him. So frequently over the years the excuses will shift. None of the excuses are real, just things he knows you'll buy and leave alone.

 

For example, he's not leaving for the kids... many men say this, and say things like, when the kids get out of high school i'll leave. So the woman waits, and that comes around, then they'll just shift the excuse and say, well, i can't leave now because my wife is sick and that would be mean. Or i can't leave now or she'll get half my retirement money, or whatever.

 

In today's world, 50% of all people get divorced, and of course they still see the kids, and form second families. So you vs. the kids is not an either/or situation. And he's not providing the kids with much stability or attention is he, since he spends after hour times with you. If the kids meant that much to him, why isn't he going home to them rather than hanging out and having sex with a girl young enough to be his daughter?

 

It's just an excuse he knows makes him sound noble, while putting you off and stalling your cutting off the sex. Most married men aren't unhappy at all with their wife/family, just a little bored with domestic life and sex with only one woman, so they supplement the married life with an affair.

 

And the lie they use to get away from their wife is they are busy working. And the lie they use with their mistress is that they don't love their wife anymore and would be with her if he could. But remember, he could leave if he wanted to, and this is a man who is willing to lie to his wife and family, supposedly the ones he is the closest to, so why not lie to you as well? He's an experienced cheater and womanizer, and though you think the love you have is 'special' that is just the hook he uses to get you. If your love is so special, why isn't he leaving his wife?

 

And if they get caught, the thing they tell their wives to pacify the wife and keep the marriage going is , 'she meant nothing to me, it was just sex.' So you're thinking hearts and flowers and future wedding and babies, and he is thinking about getting laid. He's had the hearts and flowers and babies and wedding with someone else, so there's no room for you in that fantasy. He can offer you a flower now and then and clandestine sex, but that's about it!

 

You can and will find the same love and excitment with your own guy, not someone else's man and husband. You're only 19, and don't have enough experience to know to rate this man as the best man in the world for you. Just by default, how can he be the best man for you, when he isn't even available to be YOUR man? He's someone else's man, someone's husband, the father of someone else's children, and what is he really offering you? Not much! His money, home, home life, kids, holidays, insurance, future, assets, everything is tied up with his wife and family, not you.

 

All he's offering you is coffee and sex, then he trots off home and gets snuggly and warm in bed with his wife, while everybody at work is snickering at you behind your back. They've seen his other mistresses come and go, and they're probably making bets and have an office pool going as to how long you'll last, how long this latest girl will last before he dumps you and moves to the next one.

 

He's already told you that he has no interest in being part of your 'five year plan'... in fact, he's already making noises that he's bailing, though you dont' know that yet. He's going to pay attention to you for a while, as long as he can get the sex, until he has the next mistress locked down. But then he'll drop you like a hot rock and you'll see how much you really *don't* mean to him...

 

Don't be that woman who gets snickered at behind her back because she is so naive! Be a woman who stands up for herself and gets what she needs, not someone who is some middle aged married guy's notorious plaything or flavor of the month!

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^^great advice....

 

Let me just add this.. When all of this is said and done, the only one that is going to get hurt here is you. Not him, he doesn't care because there is another girl that can replace you lickety split. He'll go on about his cheating ways just like before because he has nothing emotionally invested in this. Don't let him break your heart.

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I have never dated a married man. However, I have dated people who I knew were wrong for me, and yet found it hard to stop dating them. I feel like what you're really asking is how to distance yourself from him and get over the heartache.

 

I realize that in your mind, he is this larger-than-life individual who has done incredible things for your self esteem. We have all put people on pedestals they didn't deserve to be on. The fact is that he's just human, and a particularly flawed human at that. He is lying to his wife and selfishly continuing a relationship with you even though he knows full well it's not in your best interest emotionally. Someone who really cares about you doesn't put his needs before yours.

 

Maybe you can't stop working with him immediately, but you can start the process of looking for another job, and actively pursuing interests with other people. Especially people your own age. This may take a lot of planning and will-power on your part. Do you have friends that you can talk to about this? It's crucial that you have people in your life that can support you, and if it's not socially, then perhaps you should find a therapist.

 

You are nineteen and you have a ton of life ahead of you. Why waste it with this guy? Don't start a pattern now that will haunt the rest of your dating life, either. Nip it in the bud with some therapy and start really working on your self-esteem.

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I agree! I think you need to try to keep in the forefront of your thinking the reality of the situation, not your fantasy of how he makes you feel good and how nice it would be in future if he left his wife and you were together.

 

Most women involved with married men spend a huge amount of time fantasizing about the future and living on hope. You need to stop and really take a cold hard look at the most important facts if you want to get past this, which include that he's already taken, he's lying to his wife (and most likely you too), that other people you work with will NOT approve of this. It's not that they're jealous, it's that they see a nice young girl being conned by an older married guy and don't approve. They want you to get away from him. And many will see you not as a woman in love, but as a coldhearted homewrecker whose willing to try to steal someone's husband and father.

 

So for two weeks, make an effort to engage in NO fantasy or 'what if's' in your mind. Just coldly look at the fact that this is the best you're going to get, and ALL you're going to get, and will this make you happy? I don't think it will. You need to turn away from this the way an addict turns away from drugs, recognizing you get high and excitement from it, but at a huge price. You're alone except for those stolen moments, and that's the way it will stay. You deserve better, and should focus on that.

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wow. this has to be the biggest dose of reality i've gotten...and your last post as well but i wanted to emphesize on this. so much of it is true...or sounds ideal to apply...although some of it does not quite fit. he has no "boss" stature at work...and hes made more enemies then friends for being involved with me. i'm always the one getting the "are you okay" "why do you do this to yourself" "you need to move on, we dont want you hurt"...where he gets the cold shoulder and snide remarks. i think that partially comes from the fact my family has all come and gone during there EMS careers from this place and i've been known by nearly 1/2 the memebers since i was in diapers.

i really thank you for putting so much into this

and i really am trying very very hard to do all i can to reason with myself to not ever speak to him again.

he txted me this morning twice. and made his facebook status all pertaing to me to quote "not used to being home this early!! need some wooster" (wooster the name of a st we go on for deli sandwhiches on sunday)...so i know hes thinking about me...but i'm taking your words and trying to apply the whole "hes just keeping you hooked" and i've done good not giving into it. i've kinda made a bet with myself...that i would go till the end of the week not talking to him...and let him mull it over and then work up the courage to lay out to him in a heart to heart what i'm feeling and what i want and ultimatiums....i'm not expecting it to work. but i think it would help with closure

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^^great advice....

 

Let me just add this.. When all of this is said and done, the only one that is going to get hurt here is you. Not him, he doesn't care because there is another girl that can replace you lickety split. He'll go on about his cheating ways just like before because he has nothing emotionally invested in this. Don't let him break your heart.

 

 

i wish it was that easy...i already am hurting and know my hearts going to be broken no matter what path it goes...but thankyou

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i like to think i am special to him by how much he risks losing by being with me...he never "got as involved" with the others as with me...and for the longest time i didnt trust him i thought i wasnt the only one and thats part of the reason i didnt get intimate with him right away...but he was patient and seemed more then happy to just shoot the breeze and hang out...teach me new things at work. and i call him out and say sometimes (because this is my own insecurities) "i'm just your mid life crisis fling"..."your only in it cuz of the sex and your scorin with a 19 yr old"...its ust a sticky situation...and it seems alota ppl took it negatively. and maybe thats a good thing for me...maybe it was the kick in the ass i needed. its deff. got the wheels turning in my head right now. so thank you for your input.

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tu shae my friend...tu shae...

i'm a person of sentimental value. presents and gifts mean nothing to me

but to have someone there to talk to and who understands and supports me is what he is for me. thus why he is my role model. he has changed me for the better in so many positive ways. so i know he cares, and he shows it the best he can...if that makes sense?

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