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Is my thinking unreasonable?


The_ok_guy
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Hi,

 

My girlfriend and i have been in a serious relationship for just over 1.5 years.

 

She just got back from a tour of Europe, and something which i found a little disturbing has come up.

 

She was telling me & her sister about her trip (her sister is a couple of years older), and when she was talking about Amsterdam, her sister asked if she visited a "coffee shop" while she was there. My girlfriend replied that she wasn't going to answer that question.

 

Later on when we were alone, i asked her again and she still said she wasn't going to tell me.

 

First, i find it a little concerning that we are in a serious committed relationship but she doesn't want to tell me this sort of stuff.

 

Also, assuming that she did in fact visit these coffee shops (otherwise she would have just said no, right?)... I think i have a problem with that.

 

We both drink, but we are both very anti-drug (or so i thought). I guess the problem is that she suddenly went against her supposed morals just because she was in a place where it is not considered a crime. It's just like i thought i knew her, but if she did this, maybe she wasn't the person i thought she was?

 

I'm not sure if i am being unreasonable or not.

 

Any comments would be appreciated

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It's possible that you knowing her morals that she isn't answering the question because she's offended you would ask her in the first place.

 

Well that thought crossed my mind, but it seemed to me she was being mysterious about it rather than lie to me and say she didn't.

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I think she doesn't want to say anything because if she does, she's admitting to drug use, but if she says she didn't, then she's lying.

Her saying that she doesn't want to talk about it just prevents her from getting in trouble.

 

The fact of the matter here is that she clearly went to these coffee houses, otherwise she wouldn't be hiding and making this so secretive.

 

I'd tell her that you do know she went, someone who was innocent wouldn't make a big deal trying to not discuss it. Say you're hurt, and that you want to talk about it. People make mistakes, people try things. If it was a big group thing, maybe she felt pressured. If this isn't a deal breaker for you, then let her know that she doesn't have to keep being secretive about this, because the way she is behaving is making you thinki she's trying to hide something.

 

If a partner that does drugs is a deal breaker for you, well then you need to think long and hard about this. She did it, and she's trying to hide it.

 

Otherwise, I think the answer is obvious. To me, she did drugs. Are you looking for her to admit this? Her words/behavior is pretty clear that she did do it. Maybe just accept it and let it go. Unless, like I said, this is a dealbreaker.

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Well, how would you react if she said something like,

 

"Amsterdam was awesome, we went to a coffeeshop and I had 2 cakes, one joint and had such a great time!"

 

Would you have said,

 

"I'm glad you had a great time, babe. Sounds like fun!"

 

or something that indicated you were disappointed.

 

Maybe you are not a match.

 

Most people I know have smoked at least a joint or two in their lives, it's very common and hardly in the same category as Meth.

 

What bothers you more, the fact that she may have smoked or ate a cake... or that she didn't tell you?

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Well let me say i can see that the appeal drugs have to some people, and i realize that many people just try it once in their lives.

 

I guess the main issue(s) i have are:

-Her not being upfront honest with me. I don't think she would know that i would have *too* much of a problem with her if she did it...

-If she did try the drugs, it's just a real shock to me. It just goes against who i thought she was

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Well let me say i can see that the appeal drugs have to some people, and i realize that many people just try it once in their lives.

 

I guess the main issue(s) i have are:

-Her not being upfront honest with me. I don't think she would know that i would have *too* much of a problem with her if she did it...

-If she did try the drugs, it's just a real shock to me. It just goes against who i thought she was

 

 

hmnn... I guess I find the "who I thought she was" comment a bit odd.

 

She didn't rape anyone.

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Well let me say i can see that the appeal drugs have to some people, and i realize that many people just try it once in their lives.

 

I guess the main issue(s) i have are:

-Her not being upfront honest with me. I don't think she would know that i would have *too* much of a problem with her if she did it...

-If she did try the drugs, it's just a real shock to me. It just goes against who i thought she was

 

My boyfriend is VERY against fighting, and he came home a few weekends ago with a nasty black eye because of a bar fight.

Sure, I didn't think thats who he was, I didn't think it was in him to do so, and he always said he wouldn't fight...but hey, thats life. He dodged around the story a bit, he was embaressed and ashamed at what occurred...but with time I heard the whole story.

 

There was no point in me hassling him and pushing him and making it into a big deal. It's his life, his choices, his problems. Same with your girlfriend, what she did was her choice. Your perception of her may be different, but people can do things that you don't think 'is them'.

 

Personally, I'd let it go.

Or atleast make it known that her covering this up and dodging the issue makes it very suspicious and makes you believe she did go into the coffee shops. And leave it at that.

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Well thanks for the insightful responses.

 

I've thought about it a bit more and I don't think i really have a problem the drug use. I know a lot of people consider visiting the coffee shops there part of the experience of visiting that country.

 

But i do still have a problem with her not being able to tell me. I think next time i see her, i'll tell her that I don't have a problem with it either way, but i want her to be honest about it.

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