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New User...Heartbroken...So Badly want my ex back...Need Advice!


jess85

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Hi all. I am new here and have been browsing this forum for a few days now.

well this is a long story, ok where do i start.

 

Ok, i have been with my man for 4 very happy years, up until 3 weeks ago when he ended it with me and he believes i dont trust him and said he doesnt love me anymore.

 

My bf has a lot of female friends, which i am ok with and trust him 100%.

About a year ago we were preparing for move interstate. A female friend came up to have lunch and say good bye to him (my bf had abit of a fling with this female friend 'kim' about 6 years ago and she ended it with him, so i think deep down he may have a thing for her)

Anyway after they finished lunch, she went back home and that night she sent him a msg saying all she wanted to do was kiss him. I saw it and got extremely upset, they continued to speak regularly with him reassuring me that i had nothing to worry about. The messages kept coming until i finally spat it and told him to tell her to back off, which i believe he did. But the messages still kept coming back and forth between them, making my insecurities grown and trust him less and less. We eventually had a falling out over it and he ended it with me, he also admitted to me he had feelings for her. We were broken up about 2-3 months and never really stopped contact, noth eventuated between him and kim in this time as she lives in a different state and as soon as he was single she backed off.

Anyway we kept spending time together and eventually got back together and moved in again and things were perfect again for the next year. Until we planned a holiday, little did i know (kim who is in the navy has been posted to where our holiday was) I knew they would catch up as they are friends and i had to show him i trusted him, so as i much as i hated it, i needed to show i trusted him as trust is a big thing to him. The night before he caught up with her, i told him i was feeling a little worried, i just expected him to reassure me, but instead he completely spat it and then i got the silent treatment for a few days until he finally said he doesn't know what he wants anymore, and thinks we will always continue to have these fights, he doesnt think i trust him and said he cant see us having a future together.

So we broke up again and i moved home. We spoke properly for the first time last night and i told him how much i loved him and how i felt and much i just wanted to work it out and not throw away our great long relationship over a stupid fight.

He also told me that we didnt break up because of kim, he has no intentions of being with her or seeing her, we broke up because he believed it wasn't working and feels that i will never accept his friendship with her or other girls. He said he doesn't want to try work things out and thinks its best if we both move on, and cant see any point in fixing something that failed twice.

 

I am sooo mad and so hurt at the same time. I love him with all my heart and he is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, because when we are together and things are going great, they really are going great, we had the best relationship that gave us 4 year of happy times and great memories.

I am devastated that he would rather end our relationship then try work things out and he is to stubborn and proud to admit that all he had to do was reassure me and this would never have happened.

 

What do i do, i want him back so much, but the more i push for that the more he will retreat and refuse, because he that is what i want and he knows he has it over me..The only way we will come back from this for him to realise that I am what he wants and for him to make up for how he treated me.

Surely deep down he really doesnt want me to be with anyone else, i know he would get jealous.

 

What do i do, i just want him to come back so bad. I am starting no contact as of today, but at the same time i am petrified he will move on to someone else if i exit his life.

 

Thankyou for listening to my rant and any advice will be greatly appreciated

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First point, he's probably going to find someone else. Get mentally prepared to accept that. Don't get bent out of shape because he finds someone else. Honestly rebound relationships don't work out too often.

 

Second point, if he doesn't love you right now, he doesn't love you right now. I've had feelings of not loving my ex and as soon as I was away from her for a while, those feelings immediately came back. So give it time. Let him be alone without you. If he misses you, he'll come back.

 

Third point, don't beg for him back. You'll just push him farther away. As a dumpee, you should feel liberated. His loss. Start having fun. Put up pictures on facebook of you having fun and having a good time. Meet new guys.

 

Fourth point, Don't check his facebook. Just don't do it. Block him if you have to. Don't worry, your mutual friends will let him know just how much fun you're having without him.

 

Fifth point, try to move on. Assume he isn't coming back. If he does he does; if he doesn't, life goes on.

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I know this is probably really fresh for you right now, so it's hard to take some things in.

But you gotta let time pass, cuz i've been apart from my boyfriend of almost 3 years for 3 months now. No Contact for a month and a half.

 

Deleted him off my phone, my facebook, msn, etc.

It's just easier.

*OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

 

I fell apart the first month or so, but I had no choice but to pick myself back up.

 

As for the trust issues, that's just something you will have to work through IF or WHEN you get back together (But please, make sure you know what you're getting into because if it didn't work out twice, chances are if you jump back into it too quickly you may just end up in the same position all over again).

 

JohnGalt above said it pretty well. I've been doing all those things for the past month and a half and it's getting me along.

 

You CAN'T control the future. You CAN'T control what he wants. You CAN'T control whether he loves you or not (My ex said the same thing to me, I know it hurts)

 

What you CAN control is what you do with your life right now and YOU can now dictate your happiness. So just live life and be patient.

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Thankyou all for replying.

I understand everything you say, and im trying so hard to stick to the no contact thing and not push.

We've spoken a couple of time since, all initiated by him, we've had a few fights but have gotten over them pretty quickly and gone back to being nice to each other.

One conversation we had the other day was good and i said to him in a few weeks it would be nice for us to plan a surprise for each other and just go do something fun and not bring up the past or whatever and he said he would think about it and let me know when he is ready.

And then 2 days later we were talking about something else and i told him I had free tickets to go see a comedian and would he like to come with me, he said he couldnt as he is working on his house, and he also said he's not ready to do it yet and to give him some more space and said he's not ready for just us to do something together just yet.

I realise i pushed him abit much and have backed off and gone to no contact again. He knows what i want to do, so i guess the ball is in his court.

 

All the 'i'll think about its' and 'just need some space' and 'not just yet', really annoy me cause he's just keeping me there and i wish i had the guts to just walk away and move on. But it's just not that easy when all you want is to fix things!

So i guess all i can do now is live my life, try get myself back and hope he misses me amd who knows maybe i will wake up to myself in the meantime.

I know if i dont contact him for a few days it will take him by surprise!

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jess85

I totally agree with JohnGalt, this is the bes approach. DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE, that doesn't give him a chance to miss you and APPRECIATE you. You were not in the wrong to distrust him-he admitted to having some feelings for that kim. What you are doing NOW is wrong, subconsciously begging him to come back, spend time with you. I really understand your pain, I thought the world came to an end when I split up from my guy, but take it from a girl THEY WANT TO CHASE YOU. As you said he knows what you wanna do, there's no CHALLENGE for him. You are more likely to win him back if you pull away.

Above all you need to realise your good points big deal, list reasons why YOU are lovable and interesting.

I strongly recommend the book "why men love b****es

 

Hope it helps a little..

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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