Officially Broken Up, Need Advice

[WhatSetsUs]

Over the last two months, I've been coming to this site frequently, posting my stories and struggles with breaking up and reconciling. I have several other threads on here chronicling all the events that have taken place after my break up in December… if you’re interested I hope you’ll look at them.

 

To summarize: My Ex and I have been broken up since the first week of December. It was never like we really broke up, we only stopped talking for about two weeks after she broke up with me, and we were pretty much on and off from that point until now. We would hang out and talk and flirt for a week and then when things got really close and it seemed like we were moving back into a relationship, she would end things and say that she was just not ready.

 

Well the last time I posted here I had said that my ex finally wanted to work things out. She had said that she was finally ready to make things workout and wanted to rebuild trust between us in hopes of starting a new relationship. She explained that the reason why she never opened up was because of the pressure from her friends and family that were telling her she made the right choice. So for two weeks we hung out, talked, were intimate, and everything was progressing pretty well. However, after a week, she started to distance herself from me and I just kept my emotions to myself.

 

On Valentines Day I took her out. We had a pretty good night and it ended with us having sex. Here is where things went bad. I was pretty drunk and after that, something in me snapped. All week I had been feeling pretty bad because she was distancing herself from me and it felt like she was doubting us again. And so I let my emotions out. I told her that after that night I would leave her and never talk to her again. Mind you this was all in a drunken rant and I never meant any of it. It was just what I had been feeling on the inside because it felt like she was stringing me along again.

 

Well the next morning my fears were confirmed. We talked and although she was not upset that I had gotten upset at her the night before, she said that she felt bad that she was pulling me along this whole time because she still didn’t know what she wanted for us. She said that right now we can’t keep doing what we’re doing because we can’t be in a relationship. She doesn’t think that we are right for each other because of how I mistreated her while we were together. She still has many personal issues that she is trying to sort out and she doesn’t want to have me put in so much effort while she only gives me half. I begged and pleaded with her. But she said she just couldn’t forgive and forget. Simply put, she finally and officially broke up with me.

 

Later that night I apologized for everything I had done to her throughout the relationship. I wished her the best of luck in everything. She said that she was sorry for stringing me along and that everything would get better soon.I told her that we wouldn’t see or hear from one another for a long time. She never said anything against this but did say that she would eventually want to be friends with me. I know deep down inside that I may never be comfortable enough to be her friend.

 

I’ve gone through this whole week of classes without seeing or hearing from her. It’s been absolutely rough. I’ve been depressed all week and especially right now, as I know she is visiting her friends at another college and I know she’ll be partying and I’m just afraid that she’ll hook up with someone else. I love this girl with all my heart, and I am willing to do anything to get her back. But right now it’s like an official break up and now I don’t know how to handle it.

 

Right now I am in strict no contact. I don’t plan on talking to her until she talks to me. At the end of next week we will be forced to see one another as we have a meeting we must go to and a banquet to attend. Aside from that there will be a very slim chance that I will hear or see her. I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t waiting for her, hoping that she will sort through her issues and finally realize that we are good for one another. I really don’t believe that it’s over between her and I, something tells me that she is just really confused and needs time to sort things out. But I know that she still has a lot of feelings for me and still loves me and I’m holding on to that.

 

I know that much of this is just a rant, and has ended up being really long, but I just needed to get it out. I hope that some of you can offer me feedback, advice, or encouragement, as I could really use it.

 

I plan on using this thread as a journal. It’ll just be a way for me to get some of my feelings out while I am going through the worst of it.

 

Thanks for reading and I hope that many of you will follow my story and offer any kinds of feedback or advice.

[ladyjp]

For now, stay in full NC- full. Even at the banquet. Say hello and move on immediately! I don't like the fact that she basically admitted to stringing you along and then let you feel like crap for "treating her badly". Pleease! If it was that bad why is she still there at all? The fact she is hot and cold and admits to not knowing if she wants you tells me she doesn't really have those feelings as you do anymore and is keeping you in the wings till something better comes along.

NC and stop beating yourself up. I think she is putting blame on you for knowing she is wrong for what she is doing. Move on and be with someone that is sincere and cares for you and puts you on the stage not behind it

[WhatSetsUs]

For now, stay in full NC- full. Even at the banquet. Say hello and move on immediately! I don't like the fact that she basically admitted to stringing you along and then let you feel like crap for "treating her badly". Pleease! If it was that bad why is she still there at all? The fact she is hot and cold and admits to not knowing if she wants you tells me she doesn't really have those feelings as you do anymore and is keeping you in the wings till something better comes along.

NC and stop beating yourself up. I think she is putting blame on you for knowing she is wrong for what she is doing. Move on and be with someone that is sincere and cares for you and puts you on the stage not behind it

 

I agree with you on keeping things short when we have to see each other next week. Im gonna put on my best look and engage her enough to say hello, how are you, and thats pretty much it.

 

However, I believe her reasons for being hot and cold. The reason she left in the first place was because I was verbally abusive, I spent a lot of the relationship making fun of her and her friends and family. It was really unintentional and I didn't realize how mean my "jokes" were until she finally broke up with me. And since all of her friends and family knew about the mean thigns I said, I'm sure they told her that she made the right decision, even though she still has really strong feelings for me.

 

I know I should be moving on, but I don't want to give up just yet. I know she still has a lot of feelings for me, and that she's happier with me than without. She even said that on the day she broke things off with me. But she hasn't been able to look past the things I've done yet. I feel like if I give her this time and space (unlike the previous times) she will come back and it will be more long term than these short week to two week stints. And if that all fails that at least I will have moved on by then... Hopefully...

[WhatSetsUs]

Well, like I said, I would be using this thread somewhat as an outlet for me whenever I was feeling down. Well I woke up that way this morning. Every morning since my ex broke things off, I've woken up feeling really depressed. I wake up longing for her and wondering what she's doing and thinking. I think about the uncertainty of the future and it just scares me.

 

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I was more happy than sad for the whole day. It was an awesome day watching UMD beat UNC (GO TERPS!) and I got to rush the court. It was nuts haha and all the excitment kept my mind occupied long enough to put my worries about my ex aside. Unfortunately, today is going to be filled with studying and silence and that means I'll be thinking a lot about my ex...

 

I decided that I would much rather be with my ex than have to move on, at least for now. I know that the best thing to do would be to start completely moving on, but I just dont feel like its truly over between us. I know I'm young and college is the place where most enjoy being single and exploring whats out there, but there's just something about my ex and the things we've done together that makes me want to stick around.

 

Things right now are really rough, but I'm not as depressed and sad as I was when she first broke up with me two months ago, so I'm progressing. I haven't seen or talked to her in exactly 7 days. Yeah, I'm keeping track... I want her so badly to talk to me, to say anything, at least I would know she was thinking about me.

 

Bottom line is I want her back and I plan on waiting around for a while longer.

 

Any advice on what to do next?

[WhatSetsUs]

I made the mistake of looking at the pictures of her on facebook from this weekend...

 

I'm so jealous and I feel terrible. I almost decided to text her, but I know nothing good will come from it.

 

She couldn't possibly have forgotten about me already... right?

[LittleLost]

No. She didn't forget you. She will never forget you.

 

But she wants to. She's trying to get over you, if she isn't over you already. Which doesn't mean she forgot you. It just means she's moving on.

 

And so should you. Don't worry about her anymore. It's useless. Live your life. Time will heal your scar, if you stop messing with the wound.

[WhatSetsUs]

I keep feeling like there's hope. I mean, I know right now we need this. We need to be apart in order to realize whats most important to us. But I feel like what we had was truly something special, regardless of whether or not we're so young and theres more out there, etc.

 

A few weeks ago this girl told me that she was happier with me than without me. I know theres still feelings there. I know the main reason she had to stop things was because I was investing a lot of myself in this and she was only halfway doing so. She felt like it was unfair to me that I was doing so much but that she still had to figure things out and and that she still hasn't forgotten the things I've done.

 

I'm willing to wait.

[LittleLost]

Well... you say you need to be apart right now. And you want to wait. Say you'll have to wait a month. During that month, because of your hope, you'll be suffering. And, trust me, it'll suck. Then you'll be hurt. Really hurt. Badly hurt. And then, she'll want to come back. You may be willing to forgive for the pain. But you will have this baggage. You'll always think she was unfair. Things will go south.

 

Now, I'll put an alternative scenario. You let go. Move on. I'm not talking about rebounding or getting some other girlfriend. I'm talking about focusing on your life. Not thinking about her anymore. Being single. Enjoying this life for a while. Well, let's say that you do that. And then after a month she calls you and say "hey, I think that was a mistake". In this scenario, you won't be hurt. You'll be starting fresh. You might not want to go back in this scenario, but hey, it means you weren't really meant to be together!

 

Your pick.

 

This feeling of hope... that's what's going to kill you.

[WhatSetsUs]

I'm trying for the alternative scenario. I guess cause it's only been a week since this all happened I'm in that really needy/clingy stage where I want something to happen immediately. I eventually want to get to the point where I can be happy without her. And I know that day is coming because yesterday I was really happy enjoying the things I like, without thinking about her constantly.

 

I guess I should say that I'm not waiting, as in im not putting my life on hold for her. If something better were to fall into my lap, I wouldn't reject it just because im waiting for her. Instead I'm working on being happy without her, cause ever since the break up, the only times I've been genuinely happy have been when we were in contact and it seemed like we were working things out. And I know that just isn't right. But I just dont want to close the door on her yet. I want to get to a point where I can say I'd be happy either way. I want to give not only her space, but myself space and force myself to enjoy this time. To really understand what it feels like to be truly single. But I don't want to shut her out. It'll be on her to make the next move. But if she comes around, I surely wont deny it.

[LittleLost]

You sort of got my point. The thing is that, as Yoda once said, there is no try; you either do it or you don't. You won't be really be able to enjoy your life if you... well... if you don't let it go. Letting go is harder than what it seems, so don't sabotage that process by thinking about what would you do if she ever comes back. Assume she won't. IF she comes back, than you can come up in this forum and ask what to do ;-).

 

About closing the door on her... You won't. The door will only close when you start seeing someone else, which is not happening so soon - avoid rebounds! And it will open again, as women come and go. But right now, you'll use this as a lame excuse to knock on her door every once in a while. I did that. It doesn't help.

 

Trust me on these things: you will never forget each other. But right now there's a lot of confusion. If you try act now, there will only be pain and suffering for all of you. So let go. Really. Let go.

[WhatSetsUs]

LittleLost, fortunately and unfortunately, your advice is true. I know that the fastest way to get happy again and enjoy life would be to totally let go. Truly let go to the point where I wont even think about her. But I dont see that happening for a least several more weeks.

 

I'm not gonna act outwardly in anyway. Its a big reason why I am thankful for having found this site, I can come here and post about my thoughts rather than doing something extreme and ruining things even more. So no, I dont plan on breaking no contact until she does.

 

Which actually reminds, I have a question I could use advice on. I kinda know the answer to this question but I need to hear someone say it before I act. I'm thinking about talking to my ex's best friend for advice. She knows my ex just as well as I do, and knows more about what my ex is thinking now than I do. I know it can be seen as manipulative, but it would be a way to really hear what my ex is thinking. She did just spend the entire weekend with her, partying and such, and they undoubtedly talked about me. Its just that seeing her pictures from this weekend got my mind thinking about all the crazy possibilities that could have happened. And maybe talking to her best friend will open my eyes to whats really going on.

[LittleLost]

I don't think you should. I think you'll be avoiding a bag of pain if you just forget it. What she's doing shouldn't matter anymore. You're not a couple, she owes you no satisfaction.

[WhatSetsUs]

Yeah, I figured I'd get an answer like that. I almost just want to know the truth, even if its extremely painful, maybe at this point its what I need to move on. But I guess if I dont say anything, then I cant get hurt anymore than I already am.

 

I dont know, I just wish there was something I could do to make something happen.

[LittleLost]

So did I. But there isn't. It sucks. But the best you can do is not do anything.

[WhatSetsUs]

Yeah youre right. And I must thank you, you've been a really great help for me.

 

In your experience, and I'm not sure if you know how to answer this or not, but what does it mean when a girl goes back and forth several times in regards to getting back together?

 

My ex and I had three stints where we hung out and talked and acted like we were gonna get back together, but each time she ended it. As she explained for the first two times, it was becuase of the pressure from her friends and family that she made the right choice to break up with me that made her break things off. But when she came back to me this last time she said that she finally put that behind her and was truly happier with me than without me. This was after I had announced to one of her close friends that I had finally given up on her.

 

When she ended it this last time she said it was because she still didnt know what she wanted and that she doesnt know if we are right for one another because of how I mistreated her when we were together. She said that she truly has feelings for me and when we arent together she misses me, but that when we get close, she cant help but feel some of those old memories when I would make her feel terrible, and because of that, she cant yet decided what she wants.

 

All of this getting back together and then stopping was all started by her, I never once pressured her until she would break things off. So is there anyway to explain this behavior?

[LittleLost]

The questions you asked... I don't really know. But I think if it's better for you to stop trying to understand that too, hehe. Women can be really strange at times.

 

My case was a long distance, 4 years relationship. On last september, we met and was wonderful. Then we were going to meet on Thanksgiving. A month before that, in Halloween, she drops the "we need to talk" bomb. We continued dragging it until Thanksgiving, but it was quite clear that we were going to break up. She was cold and yet she kept saying she didn't think she'll find someone like me. She kept saying that she didn't love me anymore, but that she was really afraid of regreting that decision. We had a wonderful thanksgiving, yet she said she didn't feel the same.

 

You can imagine how confused I was because her actions and words kept sending mixed signals. I just acknowledged her decision of breaking up, which I kind of wanted too because at that point I was just too hurt. Tried to be friends, but found out it was just too hard for me, so I left her life. Except that I still don't know why she did it. I kept asking her why... if there was something I did, or if she fell in love with someone else. She never gave me an answer (gave a ton of cliché bs). Last week I had my last exchange with her on that topic. I just told her to think hard, take her time and only answer me when she really finds out what happened.

 

Why am I telling all this? Because if, back in December, I just gave up on knowing what happened and just moved on, I wouldn't be here, still confused and wondering. So trust me. Just try to stop asking yourself why things went down this way, ok? I promise you it will be better.

[WhatSetsUs]

Yeah, I see where you are coming from. That "what if.." and "why is this happening?" question is a killer.

 

The reason why I brought it up is because, although I know I shouldn't be, I'm looking for hope. I feel like if she kept coming back, there must be some reason why. Maybe that reason would be because she still loves me very much and knows that she ultimately wants me back, but its just taking her some time to sort her emotions out, and she is afraid of losing me in the process. I only say this because almost a month ago, she would say that she still really has feelings for me and that she is just afraid that when she finally comes around it may be too late for her and that I may have finally moved on by then. In my eyes, if thats the reason why, then therein lies hope, hope that once she sorts out her emotions of the past from her emotions of the present, that she will once again find her way back to me, and this time it would be much different.

 

Through all of this back and forth with her I've learned that you can't force anything. And I truly am going to stick to that. I may continue to wonder why, and it'll probably haunt me for a little while longer, but I can promise you that I won't act on it.

 

When my ex last left me, it was left in a position of being finally over, as in she knew that we weren't going to be talking or seeing each other for quite a long time. We parted ways knowing that this portion of our relationship was officially over, that all this post break up reconciliation was officially done and that whatever happened next would be completely different and new.

 

So I've been on strict no contact, but that doesnt mean that I havent been actively talking and thinking about the whole situation. I hope that the longer I last in no contact, the easier it will get to just forget about things and not worry too much.

 

Anyway, I've taken your warning, and I'm trying not to worry too much, but I know it'll be a while longer before I can comfortably say that I just dont care.

[WhatSetsUs]

So it's officially Day 8 of No Contact with my ex. I can't believe its been 8 days already, feels like its been so much longer. I woke up this morning feeling down, like I have been feeling every morning since she broke things off for good. I woke up really missing her, and thinking about what she could have possibly done this weekend while she was away partying at her friend's college. The worrying about her moving on is really bringing me down and no matter how hard I try not to think about it, it just really makes me feel bad.

 

I dont know if I'm going through a stage of denial or what, but I really feel like things between my ex and I aren't yet finished. Based on what has happened since we broke up in December, I think that she will come back. On many occasions while we were still talking, she would always say that she was having difficulties getting over what I did to her, and that her heart wants me, but her mind is still scarred form the things I did to her. I think that this period of No Contact will help her put all this post-break up activity in perspective, and make her realize that I have changed so much. Any behaviors that I had that led to the break up have pretty much been corrected, and not just for her, but for myself. I learned that I was very critical of those who are closest to me, including my family, and realizing that has really helped in my relationship with my parents and brother.

 

I'm still in that stage of really really wanting her back. I'd be lying if I said that a lot of me wants this No Contact to really weigh on my ex and make her crack, so that she'll realize what we had is great, and she'll run back to me. This week will be really busy for me as I have so many exams and other work due, so hopefully that will help keep me on pace with NC. As I said in the OP, I will be seeing her this friday and saturday, and I can say that I am really nervous/looking forward to that. Hopefully having no spoken to her in two weeks and then seeing me again will make her realize everything shes been missing.

 

Who Knows...

[WhatSetsUs]

After 8 days of nothing from my ex, I finally bumped into her. We passed each other walking to classes. I gave her my best smile and wave, and she smiled and said "hey." Though the interaction was very very brief, a million ideas are running through my head.

 

The look she gave me, it was like she was caught completely by surprise, but at the same time she really missed me. I know that is probably over analyzing but I know some of you out there can agree that there are certain looks that invoke certain feelings. And the look she gave me was one of those. Like happy to see me, sad that its been so long.

I dont know, its really really dumb to over analzying literally 5 seconds, so I guess I better stop now.

 

But seeing her unfortunately is bringing back a lot of feelings. I want to text her soooo bad just to say anything, but I know its not right. I'm hoping so much that having seen me will remind her of me, and I'll stick on her mind to the point where she will contact me. If not, I hope she's wishing I would text her after having seen her.

 

As each day passes I'm getting stronger, but my urge to have her back still isnt fading, and sometimes that urge increases. Seeing her today reminded me how much I care about this girl and how much its hurting me to not talk to her. I'm praying for some kind of breakthrough in this situation, cause I really need it.

[WhatSetsUs]

As I said yesterday, I briefly bumped into my ex, it was the first time I had seen her since she broke things off. I was feeling pretty down right after seeing her, it made me really miss her. But for some reason, that night I began to get happy. For some reason I have a strong feeling that this situation is really hurting my ex. And It gave me hope that she is still thinking about me and weighing her decision greatly.

 

So I have a question, if I have a strong sign that she is still thinking about me and weighing her decision, and I know that she is unhappy with whats going on now, should I gently pursue her? In other words, should I reopen communication with her, starting off really slowly just to feel things out? I know that her decision to break things off with me is hurting her, and I dont want to complicate things by pressuring her, but maybe in the coming weeks it would be a good idea to try to talk to her again? My gut tells me that my ex isnt over me, and knowing her she is starting to rethink her decision.

 

I dont know, but could use some opinions.

[Fionnuala]

I don't think it would be a good idea to pursue her, gently or otherwise, right now. You haven't been in NC that long, and even if she is hurting and rethinking things, I don't think contacting her is in your best interest. It seems to me it would be better to let her go through the process she needs to go through and reach her conclusion on her own. I don't think contacting her is going to speed things up or help them along. When she's ready to talk to you, she will. It would be better to spend this time focusing on yourself and ensuring that you are prepared for whatever comes next in your life - whether it's that she'll come back, or you'll be single for a while, or even the next relationship.

[LittleLost]

Hey, WhatSetsUs... I'll preceed this telling you that each case is different... but look, she broke up with you and she had a reason for that. This doesn't mean that she won't miss you. She might move on really quick, or she might rebound, or she might feel she made a mistake. But this is not at all related with the decision to split. It is possible that she will miss you and not think she made a mistake.

 

That is why you should try really hard to move on. If it helps, assume she already moved on and doesn't care for you anymore. Or if you think it's better for you to assume that she's missing you, but it was her choice, then go with it. Tell yourself a little lie about her right now, and live with that. Just move on. Try hard to remove her from your thoughts, it will be hard for you.

 

Look, she knows the way home, ok? She knows your phone number, where to find you. So give it time, because if you try to contact her before you got dettached, then everything will go back - it will suck big time. So wait until you are really over her. Then you ask me: how should I know I am over her? Well, when you are over her, you would not want to her anymore.

[LittleLost]

Do not hold on to her, OK? Don't to focus on the pain she's causing you, or to obsess on the reasons. You need right now to take care of you are feeling. The question you need to answer now is "What do I do from now?".

[WhatSetsUs]

Yeah, you guys are both right...

 

Though its only been 9 days, I've come a long, long way and I don't want to break NC just on a hunch. I'm going to see how things progress the rest of the week and see how things go when we see each other friday and saturday. If we end up having the meeting on friday, I will be forced to talk to her and hopefully that will give me some more incite on how she's feeling about me/us right now. I know this time apart in NC is crucial, regardless of what happens next. I want to give my ex all the time and space she needs to make up her mind. And everyday I dont talk to her it does get easier. I just have this really strong feeling like its not quite over yet. I know what I want, and I feel like if she gives me any sign theres a chance, I'll know how to get it.

[WhatSetsUs]

I should be writing a paper, but instead I'm feeling down and can't really focus. I've been reading this forum and looking at Facebook for the last hour and a half. For some reason I had gotten a gust of hope yesterday, and it carried me through much of today. But now that feeling is gone. Reading my ex's current status on Facebook reminded me that the visions I had of taking steps with her in the direction of getting back together were not going to happen soon. Her status was something on the lines of "i'm working on my life now." It just reminded me that this break up was something that she needed to do, and that right now she is probably finally getting to work on the things she is lacking the most in her life. I can't hold her against this as I caused her a lot of self-confidence and image problems, but at the same time I was wishing that my ex would be missing me and that by this week she would have cracked and contacted me.

 

But maybe this is reading way way way too far into something...

 

Regardless, I'm feeling real low. I still believe that its not over between my ex and I, but I realize that nothing is going to happen in getting back together anytime soon. My new goal is to go at least 30 days no contact. I'm not going to count this upcoming friday as contact only because its forced and is unavoidable. The only thing that would bring me out of no contact with her is if she expresses some type of interest in getting back together. Beyond that, I'm gonna stick it out.