What jealousy/insecurity has lead to.

[WriedConf.]

Well I have a lot to say and hopefully somebody here can help me.

 

I have been talking with a girl for over two years, and for the first several months of knowing one another, we never argued about anything at all, always got along perfect, had so much fun together no matter what is was that we were doing or where we were. And one day we got into a small bit of an argument and didn't talk for about two or three days and she found another boyfriend. Even during this hard time for me, I always still hung out with her everyday, I was always there for her, yet coincidentally her boyfriend lived an hour away and during the month they were together they only saw each other twice I believe. One day he broke up with her for unknown reasons, to me at least. And then finally we were back to the way we were once before. Yet I didn't want to let her little shinanigan to go unpunished... so then that's when we started arguing all the time, I would always pick on her for every little thing she did because I had so much anger built up in me for what she did, and it only got worse. I remember when I first met her, she always told me how sweet and caring I was, and always told me those kind of little things that make guys feel loved by the girl. Well I wasn't that same guy after her latest relationship, I was a new man (unfortunately). And ever since then I give her crap about everything she does and nag to her about this and that, and get really jealous about certain things she does. Like I used to not care when she texted her guy friends, or girls, but now when we hang out I tell her to cut it out and stop texting them. And here's another example, I got mad at her for walking next to her friend at the beach when we were leaving back to the car, instead of her walking next to me, and her friend is a girl! I know, it's stupid. But now, our latest fight all started when she came over to my house the other day late in the evening, she brought over hamburger helper and we made dinner, watched a little television downstairs and then walked upstairs and watched t.v. while laying in bed. Well shortly after laying in bed, she was being kind of quiet, and of course I made a big deal out of this (not to mention she was already in a bad mood), well she was watching t.v. and I said why aren't you talking to me, why are you being so quiet? Why don't you ever pay any attention to me, of course I overreacted, I later looked back and thought that was very stupid of me. So anyways, it got to the point where she was like, I think I just need to go home for the night, okay? And I was like, no! Your not going anywhere, that's stupid, just because your mad... no! And of course at this point she really wanted to leave. And eventually I let her get up out of bed after she tried to crawl past me several times and not letting her. We made our way downstairs and I still didn't let her leave out of the front door for about two or three minutes. And I kept telling her she's stupid for wanting to leave and what not. So yeah, And that was Wednesday night and not it's early Friday morning and we hadn't talked since she left my house that night, no communication at all. And this isn't one of those "hey, i'm sorry for screwing things up" situations, that doesn't work anymore, I'm always doing something wrong, she's fed up with the I'm sorry thing. So every time I mess up now, I have to go the extra mile to make up. This time I don't know what to do... and I really would love to hang out with her later today, but I don't know how to get her attention this time and let her know I'm sorry, that's if she even wants to talk to me, without saying f*$@ off, jerk! Does anyone have any advise as far as how to make up for this sort of problem? I love this girl so much!!! And I don't want to lose her just because I'm extremely jealous and overreact all the time, I want to fix that. Please help me!

[dreamwarrior]

Dear Wried,

 

I know she hurt you by getting another bf so soon but, by you being jealous and hurtful towards her not only pushes her away it causes you so much grief too. If the case was she didn't cheat on you and just dated someone else after you guys broke up then you shouldn't be angry, but if she cheated on you that is a different story.

 

Either way hon, if you cannot trust her then don't put yourself through this misery...so if you love her then be nice to her. All this anger cannot be fixing your friendship/relationship and for sure you will lose her forever if you keep this up.

 

Hope this helps

[WriedConf.]

I absolutely love you, you are so helpful! I do realize I'm a jerk, a jealous man and that I screw up a lot, but I look at this way, I can either keep the girl or the jealousy and I know for sure which I want, the girl! I just need somebody I can talk to about this, and... I don't know... I just wish I wasn't so hard on her. I mean your not suppose to do this to somebody you love, you want them to enjoy life and if your giving them a hard so often, how can they? Wow, see... I know what's wrong with myself and how to fix my problems, somewhat I guess lol, I just need to apply it. I hate being a jerk to her.

 

dream, is there any way you suggest I apologize this time, since the casual "i'm sorry for hurting you, i wont do it again" doesn't work anymore. Like I said, I always have to bump it up a notch at this point, every time I screw up.

[dreamwarrior]

Don't overdue the apologies and for sure don't come accross as insecure...women are very smart intuitive creatures and she will pick up on things you don't even have any idea about.

 

My idea just naturally start going back to the way you were before and don't try to show her by telling her anything....women normally want to see action because talk is cheap....laugh, hug her, don't overdo the compliments, but casually tell her she looks nice, go on road trips, massage her, ask how her day went...to start you could say how truly sorry you are and tell her how it hurts you when the two of you fight and that you really want to be with her....then don't mention it anymore.

 

Basically, take one day at a time and just be happy that you have someone to love, because you normally don't know what you have until it's gone!

 

All the best to you.

 

P.S. and when your apologizing DO NOT bring up the other guy.

[WriedConf.]

Your advise is so helpful! I'm definitely going to try this in the morning.

 

So instead of being like, "Hey! I really miss you, I want to hangout today.", just casually say something like, "Hey, what's up?", or something like that?

 

And another thing, how will I be able to show her physically that I'm sorry and that I love/care about her if she wont hang out? I don't know that she wont want to, but there's a good chance. Should I just respect her decision and let it be, and she'll come to me when she's good and ready to see me?

[dreamwarrior]

Just give her a little time...just have to be smooth about it....don't bring up the past...she is hurt right now (perhaps you are too), move slowlyyyyyyyyyyy. She might not want to hang out right away, but you both have been friends for quite sometime so I am sure she hasn't just forgotten you.

 

Don't bombard her with e-mails, texting, phone calls...only call her once every couple days and say something simple, but nice....once someone has been hurt it takes time to get them to come around........I don't think your situation is hopeless, but once you get back in her good graces try your best to work things out in a nice way in the case problems arise. No friendship/relationship is perfect by any means, but it's how you treat each other during the hard times that will keep you strong if you both communicate well. Problem with many folks they get mad and start tearing each other down and from there the relationship may never be quite the same....people tend not to forget so easily.

 

Perhaps you can invite her to do something fun with you after things calm down a bit....time at this moment is just the best medicine.

 

Keep me posted on how things are going.

 

Hope everything goes well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Dreamwarrior's posts. I will also say that what you did, preventing her from leaving, blocking her from getting up from the bed, preventing her from leaving is very intimidating and a big no no. That's something that is a slippery slope to abuse.