Jump to content

Confused about my recent feelings about longterm bf


Blue Eyes 44

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

 

Lately I have been having very confusing feelings about my three year relationship with my bf. We are in our mid-to late 20s and currently do not live together. For about the last 6 months or so we have been talking a lot about getting married and living together. Initially, I was very excited about our talks and was really looking forward to moving our relationship to the next level. However, lately I have been having conflicting feelings about my bf and my relationship.

 

If I am completely honest with myself I think most of my unsettled feelings come from what I perceive to be the slow rate at which our relationship is progressing. 3 years ago I never pictured our relationship like this at this point, I thought we'd at least be engaged by now. In fact, I would have liked to have gotten engaged at Christmastime but obviously that never happened. I just don't understand how my bf can say he loves me and will love me forever, talk about our future children (we've even discussed names), talk about our future home, etc. but then at the same time go home to his own place while I am at my place.

 

Sometimes I feel like he is not serious about us and that makes me very sad. Last week the subject of engagement rings came up and he was so clueless, he had no idea how much they cost on average or anything like that. He has never taken me ring shopping and also has never asked me what kind of ring I like. Obviously he has never even looked (even just for interest sake) despite us talking about getting engaged by this summer at the latest.

 

Our plan at the moment seems to be to move in together sometime this summer approximately (and get engaged then I guess as I want to be engaged before we move in together - I have been very clear on that). I just don't know what exactly we are waiting for. I am getting very frustrated. In fact, I am really questioning my feelings for my bf due to this, I am no longer sure if he is my one true love. I love him but I know that I am starting to resent him and it has passed the stage in our relationship where a proposal would be so sweet and unexpected and romantic.

 

I am so confused and don't know what to think anymore. Does anyone have any thoughts?

 

Thanks for reading,

 

A

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey blue eyes...

 

ive experienced similar frustrations in my life, you are not alone!

 

first on his behalf, asking someone to marry you is a BIG thing. love aside, essentially when a man proposes he is saying he will be there for you and care for you for your life. thats quite a big promise and it can be a little daunting, no matter how much a man loves a woman. with that said, a lot of time financial instability is to blame.

 

i totally hear you on the clueless about the ring thing. if you guys have discussed getting engaged and sorta set a "deadline" of the summer, he should have asked you what you liked or done his own research. maybe he is playing dumb though... so you dont know that he has been searching for a ring or maybe even got one.

 

i think your thoughts that your love is fading are due to the fear that things wont go as planned. im sure you love him tons and would never want to leave him, but youre thinking your feelings are faded in order to not be totally devastated if and when he doesnt propose.

 

i think you should have a nice, calm, mature, harmless conversation about your futures again. let him know that you were under the assumption that you guys were to move in together in ____ and that youve voiced that you dont want to move in without being engaged... so youre confused about where the relationship is going. or option B, you wait till the "deadline" and if no ring, you walk!

 

i say deadline, bc its not like a term paper thats due, but you guys have loosely defined when this should happen by...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you so passive in this - why does the pace of the relationship have to be set by him? You can just as easily state what and when you want as he can.

 

I do not feel that I am being passive in this at all. Maybe I was for the first year and a half or so but I have not been for the last while. In fact, it seems like I am the one who always brings these kind of topics up when we do talk about them, at least for the first time.

 

Do you really feel like I am being too passive? What would you suggest I do then? I have stated what I want and a general timeline of when. I guess maybe I don't want to be too assertive because I am worried if I do then I will feel like I pressured him into something that he might not be ready for completely. I would hate to feel like that for the rest of my life. I want him to want this too...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would say to him that if he really wants to marry you then the time has come to make some firm plans - ring, wedding date and to start the plans for the wedding, where you are going to live, rent, buy whatever. If he says anything like "well we aren't engaged yet" say "Well we have talked about marriage and kids and naturally I thought you were serious. If you weren't then you had better tell me now. If you meant what you said then i need to know what the plans are - I am not prepared to wait forever".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would say to him that if he really wants to marry you then the time has come to make some firm plans - ring, wedding date and to start the plans for the wedding, where you are going to live, rent, buy whatever. If he says anything like "well we aren't engaged yet" say "Well we have talked about marriage and kids and naturally I thought you were serious. If you weren't then you had better tell me now. If you meant what you said then i need to know what the plans are - I am not prepared to wait forever".

 

Yep. In fact, I'd take this one step further. First I'd consider this question: if I knew that BF would never marry me or make things any different than they are today--no less, but no more, how long would I stay?

 

Once I decided that amount of time, I'd make it my proposal date. Meaning, I'd propose to him, and with a super-short engagement to be considered as part of his answer. Then I'd leave him alone and let him chomp on it.

 

If he turned me down, I'd have set myself free--sooner rather than later. This is especially important to consider if you ever want kids. I don't, and yet I still wouldn't want to spend years spinning my wheels with someone stuck in limbo. Doesn't make him a bad guy--but if his goals don't align with yours, don't you want to find this out soon?

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

just a possibility - do you think he is planning on surprising you with a proposal before you move in? since you've been very clear about it, maybe he is going to propose this spring?

 

No, I don't really think he is. He has never even purposely looked at an engagement ring. He told me that he has seen some in magazines/newspapers as he is flipping through them but has never actually gone out to look at them. Then when I told him how much an average ring costs he looked so shocked. He thought they were about $1000. He is totally not in this place yet but continues to tell me that he is. I don't know what he is trying to do to me. Sometimes I think he is just saying the things he thinks I want to hear so that I will be quiet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Blue eyes- I'm in the same spot, only we've been living together for about a year and a half. We have had talks about the future (careers, marriage, kids, what we want our first home to be like, etc...) but I always felt like I was the one who was ready now, and just waiting for him to be ready. We had a big talk about it all around Christmas-time, and I said that he was really confusing me, talking about rings and such with me, but refusing to go into jewelry stores with me, etc... He admitted that he has looked for rings many times now, but hasn't found the right one. Then, the last time he looked he realized that he wants to be able to get me the "best one" and even if we got engaged now, we'd have to have a long engagement while saving up for a wedding to accommodate all of our relatives.He also said that he wants to pick out the ring by himself, based on what he knows about me and what I would like, and he wants a proposal to be a complete surprise, not on any holiday/birthday, etc... So now I know he is just as serious about it as I am, and he wants it as much as I do. but neither of us see the point in a long engagement, so we're focusing on school. He really just wants to make sure that he will be able to be a good provider for a future family. Being students, it's just not feasible right now. I'm trying to be patient and wait my turn even while I see so many women my age (AND in school) get married and have children. We have lots of time, but it sucks to watch everyone else getting what they want while I am stuck waiting. The good news though, is that you and I seem to have reliable, responsible guys who will not rush in to something as major as marriage, on a whim.

 

Bottom line- for many men, it's about more than just picking out a ring and planning a wedding- it's a need to feel perfectly ready, financially secure, and responsible and dependable enough to support a wife and family. (even if the wife works.) When guys get engaged and married, there is a lot more pressure riding on them than some woman are aware of.

 

Long, but I hope this helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...