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I am SO Confused Right Now


Loki71

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Ok I really need some out side help on this. I had a talk with my ex today as we go back and forth hurting each other ever since the divorce. We will be good for awhile but then one of us (mostly me) will say something to start it. One of the things I asked her to not say anymore was that I left her. Yes I left the house after she admitted she wanted a divorce but I felt why stay if I am not wanted. The other thing is she has been saying that all she wanted was time and to be separated so she could work things out. This is where I am confused. I asked her stright out if she wanted a divorce and her response was yes. Even when I was begging her to change her mind she told me she was no longer in love with me. I went to her dad and told him I didn't want this and I didn't know what to do. He told me to take it slow and not rush anything. So when I was asked how fast I wanted the divorce to become final I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted it over with so I told the lawyer she just wants it done and over with so 60 days later boom it's done. Oh and yes I told her I couldn't keep going back and forth that if she wanted the divorce that was it there would be no going back (didn't really mean it but I was trying to make sure she really wanted this). I am so confused cause now I feel like if I had taken more time with the divorce things might be different. The funny thing is we fight more now then we ever did married. Can someone please explain where and how I went wrong on this? If all she really wanted was to separate shouldn't she have told me that? And here I thought I was being a good man giving her what she wanted to make her happy.

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I kinda went through the same thing as you......a little regret....BUT I dont see anything in your post that shows she is going through regret or change of heart. You put the ball in her court throughout, and she proceeded down this path.

 

Is there any reason you need to continue to be in contact? Kids..etc?

 

If not, I would try NC for a while, so that you can cool off. Your emotions are still very twisted and damaged, and that often leads to resentment. If possible, back a way for a while. I know it sucks, but trying to hold on isnt gonna help.

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I kinda went through the same thing as you......a little regret....BUT I dont see anything in your post that shows she is going through regret or change of heart. You put the ball in her court throughout, and she proceeded down this path.

 

Is there any reason you need to continue to be in contact? Kids..etc?

 

If not, I would try NC for a while, so that you can cool off. Your emotions are still very twisted and damaged, and that often leads to resentment. If possible, back a way for a while. I know it sucks, but trying to hold on isnt gonna help.

 

We have 2 kids so NC is pretty much out we have tried LC and do ok for a week or two then we start talking again. And your right she hasn't said anything or hinted about wanting me back or that she regrets anything but I feel as if I was wrong for trying to give her what I thought she wanted and now I am hearing it may not have been what she really wanted but she is ok with how it turned out. It's hard to tell cause she really doesn't talk to me when we meet to talk I do most of the talking unless I get her mad then she opens up.

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You know this is regret and second thoughts on her part. Didn't she just loose her job? She misses the security you brought to the table when things got tough.

It sounds like you did everything right and there is nothing more you could have done to stop the divorce. I remember it well and she was determined to divorce you from what you wrote.

The fighting has to stop. It will drag you down to a place you do not want to be. You do not need the stress and your children certainly don't need their parents acting this way to one another. It seems you two are picking at scabs of the past and won't let them heal for some reason. You have resisted healing through much of this but have also shown signs that you are willing to let go of the past and what once was so you can regain control of your life and start to live again.

 

It sounds like she is the one that is confused but it will pass. It is best to let this pass and let her deal with her own demons that she chose.

 

You have a responsibility to your children not to her.

 

 

lost

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Hey Lost,

 

Again you nail it. I am already down in that place I don't want to be. As I said before we fight more now then we ever did together. I hate it so much and I know she does too. But your right we both just can't seem to stop making sure the other is hurting. Thanks to some friends I am going to try even harder than before to make the changes in myself that I need. I know it won't be easy or quick but I just can't stay the person I have been.

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You have changed so much already. The learning and looking inward bring forth some things we all would rather forget but we must face them to figure out why we do what we do. Many of my faults had their origins many many years ago and it took a tremendous amount of self reflection to realize where some of these traits came from. Once I found the source or sources it became much easier to find the person hidden under the layers that I want to be. Talking to my siblings opened my eyes also.

 

It can be difficult to walk away when you are being attacked but it must be done. Try this phrase on here when she starts something "Is that so?" Then simply walk away. The marriage is over so there is no good reason to continue on this path. You don't have to be her friend just the father to your children. I treat my ex with indifference and it works for me......

 

best wishes

 

 

lost

 

PM me and let me know how it is going

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Sounds like she's re-writing history, typical. My soon to be ex wife does the same thing.

 

Try this for laughs. If it gets brought up again say something like "You are right, I did rush the divorce and we should have just separated. I'm sorry, I was just doing what I thought you wanted." and see how she reacts. Really it's just paperwork after all and many couples re-marry all the time. It looks like she is feeling guilty and wants to put it on you.

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