Jump to content

Some things I want to say to/ask my ex.


All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Recommended Posts

GRRRR! I wish I could just for one minute stop thinking about him!!!

 

Today, I just kept thinking about how, before I got back with him, he was sending me texts telling me "You meant so much to me...more than you even knew..." and "I lost something so beautiful because of my selfish behavior"...

 

3 weeks after I get back with him, he's saying I'm "ms. ultimatum" and "I can do whatever I want, hang out with whomever I want, or I can be with you and be miserable."

 

What happened in the meantime? Well, this GUY he hooked up with, was constantly in the background, and I objected to how he was handling it-I didn't think it was respectful to me. The guy was in love with him, and my ex kept having to have "talks" with him, supposedly to tell him he's not gay and that he's back with me, including planning to take him to dinner. My ex wouldn't even let me have a discussion with him about the propriety of doing something that, to me, looked like a date.

 

He broke up with me because he felt like, I was trying to tell him who he could/could not be friends with. I never did that! It is so hard for me to feel like, he didn't even understand where I was coming from at the time!!!

 

But anyway, even if I had told him I didn't want him to continue to be friends with this hook up guy, I guess it's clear his friendship with this guy meant more to him than I did, despite all the flowery words he had texted me last time, to try to get me back.

 

I guess that's what's bothering me--if I meant so much to him, how could he throw me away like that, esp. after I had to overcome some serious doubt due to trust issues to even agree to SEE him again. He had lied to me a lot.

 

I can't help thinking I just didn't mean as much to him as he said I did. He lied to me yet AGAIN. Either that, or there's something he's not telling me-some underlying reason why he dumped me. Maybe another girl? Or guy? ugh. :sad:

 

I don't know why I feel this burning need to know and understand what really happened.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know why I feel this burning need to know and understand what really happened.

 

It's because you're human and you're hurting. You're searching for rational reasons why this person did what he did. It's likely HE doesn't even know.

 

I'd say you probably did mean a lot to him...but he's got things going on inside of him he doesn't understand. The only way he knows how to deal with them is to project those feelings on to you - essentially making you responsible for the way he feels. Naturally, he's going to think at that point that the solution is to push you away and all his problems will be solved.

 

But they obviously won't be, and there's no way you can do that work for him.

 

My ex gave me at least 5 or 6 reasons why she broke up with me. Over the last 7 or 8 months, she's systematically told me, with absolutely no coercing on my part, that those reasons were pure crap.

 

In December she told me she still had feelings for me - something I already knew, because I could see it in her eyes.

 

Just today, I told her I'd bought a ton of girl scout cookies and I was expecting that she eat her fair share as she did last year (while we were together)...so she came to my office, and I handed her a box of them and she opened them. She gave me the little piece of the box she tore off to throw out and her hand lingered on mine...at one point she was essentially holding my hand....

 

BUT

 

She's going to Toronto this weekend with her new man for her birthday. A week and a half after she asked me out for a drink after work (i didn't give her an answer as I knew she'd cancel or not address it after the initial suggestion anyway. She's done that at least 5 times since we broke up.)

 

I can chuckle about it. You're not at that point yet, won't be for some time.

 

I love that woman with all my heart, but i can't control her behavior. And I certainly can't figure it out. lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People lie. Feelings change. Things end and unfortunatley things are the way they are. As much you wish he still cared or that it hadnt happened it did and it hurts, I really know that it does. But you have to stay strong and dont try and analyse it too much.

 

Maybe he never meant it OR maybe he changed.

 

Chances are hes not worth your pain and your tears and you will find happiness again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey S,

 

I know how you feel. You're trying to find answers to stop the hurt, to alleviate the shame or guilt you feel. It's not completely your fault for the way you feel. He simply wanted what he couldn't have and as soon as he got his way, he reverted back to his normal self.

 

You already know how compulsive he is, the cheating, the lying, the drugs. He's young and immature, nothing you can do other than put you first. I also don't know what to do with the thoughts, but it's best you stick with NC and try to let it go. You won't benefit from knowing, you may not even accept the answers he has, he may not even know himself.

 

Love and take care of yourself, okay?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I always fight the urge to "be understood" by reminding myself that someone who'd treat me badly doesn't deserve to know how much he's upset me. If anything, my goal becomes one of protecting my dignity, and I gain clarity that trying to justify even one more word to someone who has mistreated me only ignores how obvious I'd be.

 

Instead, I conjure up revenge fanatsies--how I'll be perceived in 6 months or a year or whenever our paths cross again. I'll be in jaw-droppingly better physical shape and more successful and mentally stronger than he's ever known about me, and it will be his loss. Always works--I end up fAbulous, and by the time I cross an ex's path, I don't even care what he's thinking anymore. Good riddance!

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He kinda already knows he upset me. We had a big blow-up when this all went down. :sad: I have since written him an apology letter for my anger and whatever mean things I said. No response.

 

I have no doubt I will look good if/when our paths cross again. I keep myself in good shape all the time. If I do see him out, though, I will have a hard time not cornering him and trying to get some answers.

 

I always fight the urge to "be understood" by reminding myself that someone who'd treat me badly doesn't deserve to know how much he's upset me. If anything, my goal becomes one of protecting my dignity, and I gain clarity that trying to justify even one more word to someone who has mistreated me only ignores how obvious I'd be.

 

Instead, I conjure up revenge fanatsies--how I'll be perceived in 6 months or a year or whenever our paths cross again. I'll be in jaw-droppingly better physical shape and more successful and mentally stronger than he's ever known about me, and it will be his loss. Always works--I end up fAbulous, and by the time I cross an ex's path, I don't even care what he's thinking anymore. Good riddance!

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're totally right, Ricky. You and the other poster are right that he may not even know the true reason he did all this himself.

 

Hey S,

 

I know how you feel. You're trying to find answers to stop the hurt, to alleviate the shame or guilt you feel. It's not completely your fault for the way you feel. He simply wanted what he couldn't have and as soon as he got his way, he reverted back to his normal self.

 

You already know how compulsive he is, the cheating, the lying, the drugs. He's young and immature, nothing you can do other than put you first. I also don't know what to do with the thoughts, but it's best you stick with NC and try to let it go. You won't benefit from knowing, you may not even accept the answers he has, he may not even know himself.

 

Love and take care of yourself, okay?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading your post, it sounds like your ex-bf is GAY! From what you've said it seems like he is struggling with actually coming to terms with his sexuality, hes clearly engaged in a gay activity and is probably in love with another man, but still will not admit his homosexuality to himself. He is doing this by stringing you along so he can continue to engage in gay activity but still appear straight to others and most importantly himself. Do not continue to allow him to do this, get rid of him, cut off ALL contact with him, move on and never look back!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A lot of people have said that to me. They say men are not usually bi. I tell you, when he first told me about what he did with this guy, I was really reluctant to get back involved with him.

 

The night after we hung out for the first time since our breakup, he went to a gay bar w/the guy and some other friends. When I found out about this, I even told him "this sounds like a hornet's nest, and I don't want to get in the middle of it." He got concerned and talked me into staying, just like he always used to do.

 

I tried to tell him, how do I know you're not gay? You had been going to gay bars...he swore up and down he just went there to have something to do, and that he wasn't gay-said he hooked up wtih this guy willingly but didn't like it.

 

My common sense tells me, though, that straight guys don't usually go to GAY bars.

 

He is the most complicated, crazy, mixed-up, confused person I think I have ever met. And not just in this way. He's also ADHD, drinks quite a bit, does coke on occasion, and is prone to outbursts of anger.

 

I know all of this makes him a terrible choice for a relationship. I accept that. There was something about him, though, that I was drawn to-even now, I look at pictures of him and I feel drawn to him--I don't know why.

 

Frankly, I don't even know what I would want from him at this point-I think you all are right, that he's terribly mixed up and probably couldn't even give me a satisfactory answer for his behavior.

 

After reading your post, it sounds like your ex-bf is GAY! From what you've said it seems like he is struggling with actually coming to terms with his sexuality, hes clearly engaged in a gay activity and is probably in love with another man, but still will not admit his homosexuality to himself. He is doing this by stringing you along so he can continue to engage in gay activity but still appear straight to others and most importantly himself. Do not continue to allow him to do this, get rid of him, cut off ALL contact with him, move on and never look back!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry for you. She sounds kind of manipulative, asking you out for a drink when she has a new bf.

 

 

Thank you, but I'm doing much better. The reasons she did what she did...the real reasons...have a lot to do with her past as much as anything. Also, she was going through a stressful personal time when we were together and it took it's toll.

 

In the end, she's VERY manipulative...which is why I'm able to chuckle now instead of drowning myself in alcohol. lol

 

Seriously though, thank you for the kindness...but like the other poster said...take care of you! At some point, the realization in your mind that he's got issues you're better off not having to deal with will be matched by a feeling in your heart of overwhelming relief that you are no longer drawn to him. It's going to take time, but you're obviously already doing well. It may not feel that way, but read your own posts. You're on the right path.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, sandrawg, but look at this way! He's betrayed you, he's lied to you, and he may have just put your health in jeopardy too!

I would RUN, not walk to the nearest doctor and get yourself checked out for STDs. well, I hate to be blunt but if he's engaging in homosexual behavior, you could well run the risk for something serious. you know, that anal sex is one of the leading ways to get AIDs? okay, okay, you are all going to say that str8 people have anal sex also.. but if his "new buddy" is going out to gay clubs, what is to say that guy isn't leading a rather promiscious life style?

 

Hopefully you are OK.. I'd kick him to the curb if I were you, as this is not something to fool with. Suppose you had ended up pregnant and then you find out your man is GAY?

 

When was he going to tell you this.... obviously he HAS, and look at it as a blessing.

BTW, your ex sounds very much like MINE.. "He is the most complicated, crazy, mixed-up, confused person I think I have ever met. And not just in this way. He's also ADHD, drinks quite a bit, does coke on occasion, and is prone to outbursts of anger.

"

i cannot say mine drank alot but he did alot of diffo drugs, and was prone to outbursts of anger, very mixed up, alot of anger issues, very very complicated guy. He was also the most "fussy" guy I've ever met! It was quite weird really.. Most guys are pretty laid back about stuff.. about their apt, car etc.. not this guy.. things were so neat, I wouldn't been surprised if he had a maid come in there and clean his place, his car, etc.... but I'm sure he did it.. And he didn't seem to have any female friends at all either, which I find a little weird.. cuz he was super nice looking...

He didn't even hardly speak to his ex-wife either, whom he had a kid with.. but their marriage did not last very long either.. Maybe there was lot about him that she knew that I did not!

I never found really if he was gay or not, but I wouldn't be a bit surprised really.... He had TONS of issues...Nothing I did ever seemed to satisfy him.... it was quite weird.. I could never figure him out either.. so.. complicated. yeah.. they sound like twins.

 

Be glad you are shut of him and don't be surprised it takes you awhile to get over this either...... It's taken me far longer than I thought to get over that guy.. there was just so many unanswered questions.. so you never got closure..

 

hard to move on when you do not have closure.. isn't it?

 

Take care sandrawg.. there are other great guys out there, don't waste your time or your life on this one. You dodged a bullet! Consider yourself lucky girl!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your concern. I get tested regularly so, of course, I will get everything checked out.

 

1) He claims they didn't have sex. They just engaged in some messing around.

 

2) I did raise the STD concern with him at the time and he said he saw the guy's paper saying he was STD-free. Of course, I'm not taking his word for it and will get everything checked out.

 

3) Wow, yeah your ex and mine sound like peas in a pod. That would be funny except it's so tragic how I was hurt by him and I bet you were hurt by yours, too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...