hockeyboy Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Well Berry, I have every intention of being more open for her. My main problem is that I have no desire to be in a relationship forever with everything split. If we make it to actual engagement and then marriage, I would like to merge things. I'm just concerned this mindset will not go away. Then some time from now, I'll regret I didn't act now. That make sense? Ya, it makes sense. However, as of right now you've been together for a year and are not married, nor engaged. That's not a terribly long time. I think you need to give her more time. Link to comment
berrypatch Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Well Berry, I have every intention of being more open for her. My main problem is that I have no desire to be in a relationship forever with everything split. If we make it to actual engagement and then marriage, I would like to merge things. I'm just concerned this mindset will not go away. Then some time from now, I'll regret I didn't act now. That make sense? Sure, it makes sense, but you need to relax and just go without even talking finance for several months anyway. If the 3 accounts works for you, maybe in a few months you could bring that up, and ask her if she thought the two of you could create a bills account for household bills. Maybe you have never been burned, but once you have, it just is so deeply imbedded in your psyche, and any hint of another injury just puts the wounded on red alert. Even without any other actions on your part, our minds align you with the "wound-er" if you press finance issues. Whether or not others have been like that in your past, she is your SO now, and that is her wound, and she can only heal in her time , and only if you back way off of the finance topic. Link to comment
LostSpartan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 You know, Spartan, the funny thing about your post is, when I first read it, I thought to myself, "This has nothing to do with money!" The way I read this, it's a pretty classic power struggle. Don't be ashamed of that--but I do think the way to resolve it is to see it as such. Both of you are digging in your heels, and the harder you pull, the harder she resists... and vice versa! I'm wondering, do you see this pattern in any other areas of your life with her? Sex? Decision making? Just curious. YS You know I actually have an education in Psychology and I'm shocked I did not see this. Yes... She has this thing with "control". When we met she told me up front she liked being in control and has had issues in her whole life where she has gotten in trouble resisting people of authority and conflicts of "control". Ha I guess this is truly a power struggle. Well that is really not my intention. I just want her to relax and not think I'm trying to "play" her. Link to comment
LostSpartan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 I agree with all of what you just said. I just want to be sure if we can manage money together. It is very frustrating to me and I'd love to get past it. I'll discuss it more with her. Link to comment
LBP Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 How is she with pocket money? Meals? Link to comment
LostSpartan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Maybe you have never been burned, but once you have, it just is so deeply imbedded in your psyche, and any hint of another injury just puts the wounded on red alert. Even without any other actions on your part, our minds align you with the "wound-er" if you press finance issues. Whether or not others have been like that in your past, she is your SO now, and that is her wound, and she can only heal in her time , and only if you back way off of the finance topic. I agree with you as well. Actually, I have been burned but I got past it. Life is about risks and you don't get anywhere unless you take some. Trust me, I don't want her money but keep in mind, I'm just not used to it being a off topic discussion. I'll try to give her some space and talk to her more in detail about this. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I'd be happy managing money seperatley BUT having a joint bank account for bills as well. Shes got to accept bills. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 You know I actually have an education in Psychology and I'm shocked I did not see this. Yes... She has this thing with "control". When we met she told me up front she liked being in control and has had issues in her whole life where she has gotten in trouble resisting people of authority and conflicts of "control". Ha I guess this is truly a power struggle. Well that is really not my intention. I just want her to relax and not think I'm trying to "play" her. Hmmm... Ok, I'm going to laugh at myself for saying this, but how does that make you feel? Do you feel like you're getting pushed around? Do you feel resentful? Do you feel like you're giving more than she is? And how about you? Would you consider yourself the type of person who likes to know what's going on, who likes to have input into a situation, who likes to be in control? How do you feel when things don't go your way? How do you feel about compromising? I don't mean to ask leading questions, but another person might actually enjoy having a controlling partner! Really, it's not a question of whether or not someone is "normal," but rather, how they work (or don't) with their partner. Second question. How do you think she feels when you discuss money? Might she feel like she's being attacked? Might she feel like you think there's something wrong with her? Perhaps she has anxiety about giving up control? Once you can start to see the dynamics happening behind the scenes, I think you'll have a better sense of how to handle this respectfully and compassionately. For now, though, I'm glad you're going to back off. ;-) YS Link to comment
LostSpartan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 How is she with pocket money? Meals? Shes mutual. Shell pay or I'll pay. Things like that are fine. Its more of the discussion or things I put in my first post that cause the problem. A man shouldn't fear a fight because he mentions the rent is due. Link to comment
LostSpartan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Hmmm... Ok, I'm going to laugh at myself for saying this, but how does that make you feel? Do you feel like you're getting pushed around? Would you consider yourself the type of person who likes to know what's going on, who likes to have input into a situation, who likes to be in control? How do you feel when things don't go your way? How do you feel about compromising? Second question. How do you think she feels when you discuss money? Might she feel like she's being attacked? Might she feel like you think there's something wrong with her? Perhaps she has anxiety about giving up control? 1. To an extent, yes its like I'm catching a upset person snapping at me. Just because I mentioned something about money. I do in fact like to know whats going on. I love having input in situations but do not need or desire to be in control. I'll all about compromise. 2. I do feel like she feels likes shes under attacked. I've actually observed her and she seems almost like her tone and mood changes to reflect a ongoing heavy argument. She actually has anxiety attacks. Perhaps this in fact is related. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 1. To an extent, yes its like I'm catching a upset person snapping at me. Just because I mentioned something about money. I do in fact like to know whats going on. I love having input in situations but do not need or desire to be in control. I'll all about compromise. So, perhaps you're feeling put upon because she doesn't want to compromise. You try to get her to loosen up a little, to consider compromising, and that in itself becomes the power struggle! 2. I do feel like she feels likes shes under attacked. I've actually observed her and she seems almost like her tone and mood changes to reflect a ongoing heavy argument. She actually has anxiety attacks. Perhaps this in fact is related. Wow, I'm sorry to hear that she has anxiety attacks. It sounds like she's very affected by what happens around her. On the one hand, you don't want to tip-toe on eggshells for fear of upsetting her and then never discuss anything... the relationship will never grow that way. On the other hand, you will need to continue to be very sensitive to the way she works. It's a balancing act. I hope these insights give you a different perspective and inspire you to be kind and patient. Good luck! YS Link to comment
LostSpartan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Thanks great insight. Thats all I was seeking. Link to comment
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