Female with Money/Sharing issues... this a waste of time?

[LostSpartan]

Hey all,

 

I've posted before for those that know me about other things. I'm a 36 year old, ex-military/college grad that has lots of life experiences. Dating many women over the years with different nationalities and ages. I've only encountered a woman like this once in my life and ended horrible.

Basically, my current girlfriend has a problem with money and sharing.

 

We live together and we have had some roadblocks but overall the relationship is good. She has openly admitted to me that she has been burned over the years by several men regarding money. She has lost money to men who used her and never paid her back. Been in a situation where she paid all the bills and after the man was in a better situation, he left her.

 

Now, she has advised me because I was on the verge of walking away because this is very stressful and normally I never talk to a woman who is like this. I guess the only way to say it is selfish. Basically she does the following:

 

1. If money is mentioned she gets slightly mad or an attitude.

2. She has told me she would NOT let me use her extra car if something were to come up.

3. She has stressed she would not want to get a bank account together because she fears I might make a mistake in her account.

4. If ask her how much money she has on her on in her account she gets upset.

5. When bills are due, she gives me attitude as if she is fighting within herself to give the money.

 

These are the main things that occur. Now almost all women I have dated over time this has never been like this. I've let my past women use my car, keys to my place, gave them money, and vice versa. I've had shared accounts and worked as a team to square away mutual bills. Even doing things as a bill list. Putting down both of our bills and debts and knocking both of them out together. It’s never been a problem disclosing money to my past women or the other way around. I've never been on "edge" to discuss financial things with my woman. This is how I am feeling now.

 

I've come to the end of my rope and I'm trying to be realistic if this is worth it. We've been together almost a year and I've dated women for less with no restrictions, fears, or this bad attitude regarding money. I'm a very open person. I've added her to most of my bills so that she can make payments and decisions and she can use anything that belongs to me without asking. I do my best to make her feel comfortable and not to make her feel negative.

 

I'm trying to be understanding because I love her but I'm not sure what I should do now. Talk more to her? Come up with a plan? Give up?

 

I'm so frustrated.

[shikashika]

What do you want her to do?

 

What is it that you want from her?

 

If she has lent boyfriends in the past money and they never paid her back (several times) , I can see why she would behave that way.

[LostSpartan]

What do you want her to do?

 

What is it that you want from her?

 

If she has lent boyfriends in the past money and they never paid her back (several times) , I can see why she would behave that way.

 

I'd like for her to relax and try to not be afraid to take chances.

[shikashika]

I'd like for her to relax and try to not be afraid to take chances.

 

 

Maybe she's taken a lot of chances?

 

you say this has happened to her more than once?

[LostSpartan]

Yes as stated in my post.

[berrypatch]

Sorry, but I am with your girlfriend on this one. If it is a source of arguments and you like her other than this attitude, just keep it all separate.

 

I am like her, by the way. I like to keep it all separate. If I lived with a SO, I would share house bills and that is all. Credit cards, cars, etc all separate. It is a protection that women with resources use to assure that we are not being "used".

[alli]

She must have really gotten burned and felt used by bfs in her past. But you guys are not married, you don't need to share with each other exactly how much money you both have. Do you live together? Why don't you put up the bills on the fridge & split it, so you each know how much you have to make out the check for without discussing it. Or give her your half of the bill & she can be the one to mail it in.

 

My bf & I have been together for about a year & we don't share a bank account. There's no reason to get that intertwined before you are married. Even then, I think we will each maintain our own bank account, plus one shared account we contribute to equally for bills. I love my bf, but I know how money burns a hole in his pocket & I prefer to keep a bit of savings in the bank!

 

Hopefully over time your gf will relax about this. I would bet that many of her relationships where she felt used for her money were long-term, and it will take some time for her to realise that you are not going to end up doing what they did.

[shikashika]

Yes as stated in my post.

 

 

Why do you need to know how much money she has in her account?

 

I would never think of asking my partner that!

[LostSpartan]

Thanks Alli you nailed it.

 

To the rest, please read my post, all of the information is there.

 

My only thing is the constant attitude its just a bit much. Not to mention and I stress. I've only dealt with ONE other woman like this in my entire life.

 

One...

 

I guess if it was more the norm, I would back down a bit or so but its not.

[shikashika]

Thanks Alli you nailed it.

 

To the rest, please read my post, all of the information is there.

 

My only thing is the constant attitude its just a bit much. Not to mention and I stress. I've only dealt with ONE other woman like this in my entire life.

 

One...

 

I guess if it was more the norm, I would back down a bit or so but its not.

 

you've told me to read your post twice... why?

 

I did, and gave my opinion.

[berrypatch]

Maybe it's the norm for women who have been burned financially by partners.

[LostSpartan]

Maybe it's the norm for women who have been burned financially by partners.

 

Well again, I've only experienced with one other woman. The others didn't act this way. I guess from reading the responses here from women. I get how even though in fact it's not the "norm". The fear of getting "played" can be quite great. I guess I should continue to be more understanding and help her get past this.

[berrypatch]

The fear of getting "played" can be quite great.

 

Speaking from experience it can be so huge. It will free her up to love you more fully if you just separate everything. It will prove to her your good intentions.

 

I guess I should continue to be more understanding and help her get past this.

 

Yeah- that is the best thing. But be sure that she doesn't feel you pushing her to "get past it". Just accept her the way she is and love her for her without looking toward change.

[LostSpartan]

Well Berry, I have every intention of being more open for her. My main problem is that I have no desire to be in a relationship forever with everything split. If we make it to actual engagement and then marriage, I would like to merge things. I'm just concerned this mindset will not go away. Then some time from now, I'll regret I didn't act now.

 

That make sense?

[waveseer]

If she has access to more resources than you do it is wise for her to be somewhat reserved about it with you. It protects her interests. If she can support herself than she is with you because she wants to be, that should be enough.

[LostSpartan]

If she has access to more resources than you do it is wise for her to be somewhat reserved about it with you. It protects her interests. If she can support herself than she is with you because she wants to be, that should be enough.

 

Ive dated women with very high resources that did not have this problem. I say again and again...

 

I've only encountered this one other time in my life.

[waveseer]

Ive dated women with very high resources that did not have this problem. I say again and again...

 

I've only encountered this one other time in my life.

 

You see the lack of sharing as a problem, but she doesn't. This is the real issue, trust. Maybe you should leave the money talk out of it and address your imbalance in trust first.

[LostSpartan]

Maybe you should leave the money talk out of it and address your imbalance in trust first.

 

Ok I'm lost. I've only encountered this one other time in my life. Just one other time. One other woman in my life. Just one.. trying to get this set.

 

Never had this problem but with only one other woman.

 

But yet...

 

I have some imbalance in trust problems?

 

I appreciate your input. This is what I was seeking but your not making much sense or helping me. Thanks anyway.

 

I'll speak to everyone else now.

[ImThatGirl]

I'd be bothered if I was in a relationship and constantly being asked about money.

 

If she gets an attitude when it's time to pay bills, maybe she doesn't see the bills as fair. Or maybe she has more difficulty with paying the bills than you know.

 

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to share my money. I don't have much anyway but the whole sharing a bank account and all. Maybe 3 bank accounts - mine, his, ours but not just one.

[waveseer]

Ok I'm lost. I've only encountered this one other time in my life. Just one other time. One other woman in my life. Just one.. trying to get this set.

 

Never had this problem but with only one other woman.

 

But yet...

 

I have some imbalance in trust problems?

 

I appreciate your input. This is what I was seeking but your not making much sense or helping me. Thanks anyway.

 

I'll speak to everyone else now.

 

I'm sorry you cannot see that you want her to trust you implicitly and she doesn't and that's bothering you.

 

I would never try to tell someone what to do, it was merely a suggestion. Solve it in whatever way works best for you. I wish you well.

[LostSpartan]

I don't have much anyway but the whole sharing a bank account and all. Maybe 3 bank accounts - mine' date=' his, ours but not just one.[/quote']

 

To be honest, I'm cool with this. Three accounts would be fine. My biggest concern is if we can get to that point.

[yellow_sweater]

Ok I'm lost. I've only encountered this one other time in my life. Just one other time. One other woman in my life. Just one.. trying to get this set.

 

Hmmm... how about this... SO WHAT!

 

You are in a relationship with THIS woman, not the other woman in your past with money "issues," not the other women in your past without money issues.

 

It seems that you're trying to get us to agree with you that she is in the wrong. I don't think you're going to find anyone here who will do that.

 

Perhaps she is thinking the opposite thing. "He just won't leave me alone about money issues. Why won't he understand? Seriously, I've NEVER been in a relationship where the man puts so much pressure on me to merge my finances with him! It's none of his business!!"

 

My advice is to open your heart a little and really work to see things her way. Back off for a while. You need to stop this ridiculous power struggle to have things your way. If you do this with an open heart and understanding from where your partner is coming, you stand a chance of having her relax, as well.

 

Keep things up, however, and I don't think you'll see a difference.

 

Good luck!

YS

[LostSpartan]

Actually, as stated before a few posts back, I do plan on backing off. After reading most of your responses, I clearly agree with that point at least. Perhaps you are right about what shes thinking in contrast to my thoughts.

[yellow_sweater]

about what shes thinking in contrast to my thoughts.

 

You know, Spartan, the funny thing about your post is, when I first read it, I thought to myself, "This has nothing to do with money!"

 

The way I read this, it's a pretty classic power struggle. Don't be ashamed of that--but I do think the way to resolve it is to see it as such. Both of you are digging in your heels, and the harder you pull, the harder she resists... and vice versa!

 

I'm wondering, do you see this pattern in any other areas of your life with her? Sex? Decision making? Just curious.

 

YS

[Knead2Know]

In my opinion, a year is not that long of a time to be sharing money..it is something you usually progress towards over time as you build into a committed relationship where your lives become intertwined financially.

 

You should do what you mentioned, talk to her more, ask her if this is how she sees herself handling money with a partner in the future. Make a plan- outline how you would like to manage the finances jointly and then see if it is something you can work towards and include a timeline.

 

This will allow you to understand if this is how it is or if it will change. It also allows her time to build back trust, something lost from her past experiences. I do think that you should also share honestly how this attitude makes you feel..it sounds like you may be hurt by her actions, as if you feel mistrusted and you should share that with her if it's true...

 

I do think that a couple needs to have the same value system around managing money to be successful. It isn't so much about what is "normal" ,but more about the fact that as a couple you need to share the same value system around money and sharing.