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Is he taking a break or wants to break up?


hopeful1234

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I'm cutting to the chase...

 

I'm a single mom of 2 kids, divorced 2 years, was married for 13 years.

He is a single dad of 2 kids, has custody of them, divorced 3 years was married for 15 years.

 

During our 13 month relationship, we had introduced eachother to our families, including kids and extended families. I was at his house for Father's Day, both of his kids' birthdays and at his mom's for Thanksgiving. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas and that if I did not have my kids, he wanted to know if I wanted to be with him and his family on Christmas. I had plans, so I declined. Right before Christmas, he told me that he wanted to buy gifts for my kids this year, which we did. We exchanged gifts and everything was okay. He got me a card that read "Although the wishes are for Christmas, the love it brings is for always". He also wrote in there that he felt fortunate to have met me and to have spent time with me and that he hoped that 09 was as good of a year that 08 was "for us". We spent New Years Day together and then had a date with his brother and his brother's girlfriend that following Sunday. When we went back to my place later that night, we sat and watched TV for a little bit and then started getting physical. About 30 minutes before his typical time to leave, I told him that I wanted to tell him something. I told him that I loved him. He did not say anything and just kind of grunted. He pulled me close and tight and stroked my arm. I continued to rest on his shoulder. After about 10 minutes, he asked what time it was and he said that he had to leave in about 20 minutes - nothing too out of the ordinary. We kissed goodnight and he told me he would call me later. He ended up calling me as soon as he got home to let me know that he got home safe, which is something that he had never done in the past.

 

He called me again the next night and we talked normally (he had been calling me every night up until this point). Then he called 3 days later. Same type of convo. Then he called 5 days later. I sent him an email, saying that I thought that something was different. He sent me an email back saying that we needed to talk, that after I told him that I loved him, he got to thinking that he is not ready for that kind of a relationship right now. That he thought that we needed to slow way down. He said that he thought that it would be unfair to me for me to think that he was thinking about a more serious relationship. For the record, I just wanted to let him know that I have strong feelings for him, but that I am not asking to take anything to the next level.

 

We have talked a little bit since then. He told me that right now he wants to still be able to do things together, but that he is not going to be calling every night as in the past. He wants to remain as friends for right now because he feels that he is being pulled in all different directions. He mentioned that his son is starting to be clingy and that he does not like to be home alone (he is 12). I don't know if he is using him as an excuse. He also said that he is not interested in dating anyone else at this time, so for me not to worry about that. He just needs time to focus on other things right now. He said that since we have mutual friends that we will be at some of the same parties/get togethers and he does not want for us to be uncomfortable about this. He wants to be able to talk to eachother on the phone and be friends and that this is all that he can offer right now. He mentioned something about maybe things being different in 6 months or a year, but for right now, he needs to do this. He said that it is not me, it is him. When I asked if there was any hope for us in the future, he said that he could not answer that right now.

 

There is a party this weekend for a mutual friend that I think he will also be going to. It is my hope that when he sees me, something will click and he will at least start calling me again. The last time that we talked was 9 days ago.

 

Do you think that there is any hope? Am I wasting my time? I just can't believe that those words would have had such an impact. Things were going SOOOO well and then BOOM!!!! I just can't figure it out.

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Another commitment phobe.

 

I think he was serious about you & does care about you, but he's afraid of getting into another serious relationship right now.

 

Up until the point where you told him you love him, he felt like you guys were just smooth-sailing it & going with the flow. When you said "I love you", he might've felt like you were trying to suggest that you take things to the next step, & that you're ready to commit.

 

If I were you, I'd back off & let him cool down a bit. I think it just freaked him out a little, but I don't think you did any permanent damage. Just give him some time alone to think it over. The worst thing you can do right now is invade his space or make him feel like you're pushing him to make a decision. He's obviously not ready to make one yet, so just give him a little time & see if anything progresses.

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Wow!!! That was a quick reply. Thanks so much!!!

 

It is my hope that we will be able to get back together, even if it is a few months down the line. I really miss him and I so much want to hear his voice, touch his face, kiss his lips, etc. The funny thing is that when we first met, I really wasn't into him that much. Then he kind of just grew on me. He was actually the one who was kind of stalking me. He was the one who called me his "girlfriend" first. He introduced me to his family first, saying that "it was time". I know that he had feelings for me, I am just afraid that I totally scared him off. I want him back, but I don't want to appear desparate and have him run in the opposite direction.

 

Any other advice would be greatly appreciated, even if it is to take my rose colored glasses off!!!!

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I know how you feel. My mom was in a similar situation with her boyfriend a few years ago.

 

In my opinion, we women know what we want. For men, it constantly changes. One moment they want to settle, the next they're freaking out.

 

I don't think you scared him off. I think he just didn't react to your statement because he was afraid that if he said "I love you, too"...that would be it. Then he'd have to soon put a ring on your finger & get married again. Being married & divorced already, it probably just scared him to think of doing all that over again.

 

I would just take a step back & let it sink in to him. If you talk to him or try to explain yourself, it may seem like you're pushing him into a corner, which will completely freak him out.

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It took 3 years for him to finally make up his mind.

 

He had just ended a 25 year marriage. About a year after his divorce, he met my mom...so he was still going through that stage where he was in love with her, but didn't want to rush into another relationship.

 

My mom was understanding & supported him through it. She didn't push him or anything. Basically gave him his space until he was ready.

 

Don't be TOO patient. If you see it's not getting anywhere, move on with your life. You don't have to wait around for him.

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Yep, same old story...likes the fantasy of the relationship but not the reality. What exactly was he thinking when he was gung ho about blending he families like that. If he only wanted casual he should never have done the whole blended families thing. Some people just don't think of the consequences of their actions. He is full of crap. He wants things solely on HIS terms. I would suggest that you back off and let him come to you..and don't be so readily available to him. You need to start setting your boundaries as well now that he has backed away.

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Yeah, I know that what he is saying is a bunch of crap. I am scared that we may never get back. I have not tried to contact him, although sometimes I feel so weak.

 

I am hopeful for this weekend. It is my hope that he will see what he is missing and that we can EVENTUALLY get back to some assemblance of a relationship and then build from there. In some ways, I regret saying that I loved him. Some of my guy friends told me that once I said that, I opened up a whole can of worms. I just don't understand why he could not say, "Honey, I also like being with you, but I am not ready to say those words yet." He used to call me honey all the time, even that night, he said, "Honey, I have to get going in 20 minutes". He didn't bolt out the door like so many other guys would have. He stuck around for a while and then started backing away.

 

I would love to get a guy's viewpoint on this.

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Hi hopefull, cant really give you a diffrent perspective. All i can d is understand what you are going through. My ex was very similar, she forever told me she loved me and i told her the same back, then one night out of the blue she sent me a letter saying she didnt want it anymore, that she wanted to be on her own forever.

3 weeks later we were back together, with her saying that she should never have said we were finished , and she should have said a break instead. And that she know knew her feelings and would never change. We had a great xmas with her taking me to meet her family, and her bringing her children to meet my family. Then one small row and she ran again, saying she couldnt be doing with all the * * * * of a relationship. She honestly didnt have any just love and support.

A week later we were back together as she ffound she was pregnant, only to loose it a week later. She then asked for space, just phone chat txt, that lasted 10 days, then i had another letter, stateing much the same as before. That was nealy 4 weeks a go, and been nc ever since. I dont know what the hell happened to her, as we were really good together. The only thng i can say is watch them because if they do it once they can do it again.

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Okay, so girls are just as bad. It isn't a guy or a girl thing, it is a human thing.

 

I will keep my eyes open. I will make sure that I focus on myself, as I am the only one who can truly make myself happy. Believe me, if we do get back together and he seems to start distancing himself again, I will know that it was just not meant to be.

 

In regard to NC, I had a couple of flings right after my divorce - not something that I am too proud of, but I had certain needs and I got them met!!! I wasn't looking for anything in those relationships other than what they were. One of the guys was cruel about kicking me to the curb (I wasn't hurt by it because I didn't want anything from him to begin with) and the other guy just did not contact me again. Going NC with both of these guys was not hard to do for me, as I did not feel that I was really losing anything. In BOTH cases, they contacted me after a period of 6 months to a year because they were "thinking about me". I was not in a true relationship with either one of these guys and they STILL called me after a period of time. So, I have to think that in my current situation, where it was an ACTUAL REAL SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIP that he will eventually call me, that he won't "forget" about me and I will take it from there. I will give him space, I will work on myself, I will not chase him. If it was meant to be, then it will happen.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I will continue to hang in there, without any expectations. If something comes out of it, then it will be a positive. If nothing comes out of it, well, at least I am still standing. I can only go up from here!!!!

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Do not regret saying that you loved him...I think that was actually the BEST thing you could have done because it totally exposed his true colours and his true intentions. If you wouldn't have said anything you would have never known that his actions did not tell the whole story of what he was really thinking. That's why when people say "actions speak louder the words", I say no...you have to have both...because lots of people do all the right actions but it is just for show.

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The only part of feeling regret about saying I love you is that maybe he was starting to feel this way and I just beat him to the punch. I will never know for sure what he was feeling. Yes, maybe it is a good thing that I said it because it forced the issue to come to light. If I had not said it, maybe the relationship would have continued to move along where it was and would never get "there", then I would have wasted a lot of time with someone and would never get to the point where he could allow himself to feel the love that is so needed in life. Who knows. It is what it is. If he is thinking that he needs to take time for himself, think about things, then he may run the risk of losing me forever, as I cannot wait forever. I KNOW that we had a great thing going and he is too stubborn and scared to realize it. If he thinks that he can live his life all alone, he has another thing coming. You cannot remain a hermit for the rest of your life just because you were hurt in your past. I'm not going to do that!!! I deserve to be loved, whether it is by him or someone else.

 

I am still hopeful that we may have something again in the future. I am just so confused how he could have made what I viewed as moves towards a committed relationship (i.e. "I think it is time for you to meet my family", "You are my girlfriend"). I think that he is lying to himself. I kind of feel sorry for him. At least I know I am mature enough to allow love in my life.

 

I will definitely let you know how Sunday goes. He may be standoffish, but I am still going to be my old fun loving self, have a good time, look drop dead gorgeous and whatever happens happens. If he approaches me, I will talk to him. If he wants to talk about "it", I will politely say, this is not the time or place for that. We will have to make plans to get together alone sometime and catchup. I will be at the party to have fun for my friend and not to talk about anything serious, etc. Don't get me wrong, I really want him to approach me, but I don't have control over it.

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My friend's surprise party was tonight. Things went relatively well.

 

My girlfriends and I entered the room. I noticed that he was sitting at a corner table with his parents. I just flashed a sideways smile, which I think he saw. We then walked to an open table. Right before I was about to sit down, his mom came up to me with her arms outstretched. I gave her a kiss and hug hello. We had small talk. She said that she was so happy to see me and that I looked really good, etc. I told her that it was good to see her too, etc.

 

30 seconds after she walked away, he came up to me and gave me a kiss and hug hello. Made small talk. I introduced him to my girlfriends, who I don't think he met yet. We talked a little more and then he said he would talk to me later and then went back to his table for the rest of the evening.

 

At one point, my girlfriends noticed that he changed seats. My girlfriends claimed that they thought he did this so that he could get a better view of me. I don't know for certain, but I guess it was plausible.

 

His sister in law came up to me at my table at one point. She said, "We miss you so much. What is going on?" I told her that we broke up and that it just did not work out. She then flashed me a smile and said, "It's not over. He just told me that you guys are taking a break and slowing things down." She mentioned that he told her that he felt a little uneasy about possibly becoming a stepfather to young kids. Because she is the person that knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING in the family, I was very careful on what information I gave her. I just told her that I was totally confused because I thought that it was totally over between us. I also mentioned that it was not my intent to EVER put a stepfather over my children and that I would not even consider anything more serious than spending time with someone I cared about until after my kids were done with high school. She said that she had a heart to heart with him a few weeks ago and he has not been himself lately and that she can tell that he is really hurt by all of this.

 

So, it was not totally bad, but then again, it still makes me feel like I am in limbo. Just going to take one day at a time. Whatever happens happens. I'm not going to sit around forever, but I also don't want to totally close the door either. It is still too early to do anything drastic and permanent.

 

Feel free to add any thoughts that you may have on this.

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