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Advice Needed... Cheating Girlfriend


keya925

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Ok, here goes. I havent asked for anybodies advice until now, because i dont want our friends knowing that she did this. I will start at the beginning... We have been together for over three years in college and were the happiest and most ideal couple you can think of. I graduated early and came home to work. We saw eachother every weekend but maybe two when I was at home working. During her last semester, she said she wanted a break for a little bit but was confident we were going to be al right. Her reasoning was she was worried about moving back where I was from and she needed to make sure she wanted to. Also, because she was worried that we were different religions and that might lead to a messed up marriage. Anyway we are on a break for about a week and she says that she cant live without me and wants to be with me forever. Everything was going well until about 2 months after we got together and a friend of mine called me to tell me he heard she was hanging out with someone else while we were not together. Well, i confront her about it and she admits to hanging out with him a little bit but they were just friends. After a long conversation, she finally admits that they kissed the day after we broke up. I am completely devastated, because i told her when we broke up if it was somebody else then just never come back, because that means she doesnt love me as much as she should. After continuing to talk about it, I realize that she had been talking to him on the phone for a week prior to when we broke up. She said the only time they hung out was that Friday after we broke up and Sunday to watch a tv show and that everybody else that lived with him was there(which i confirmed with the first friend that told me they had been hanging out) I know it was just a kiss, because the friend asked him about before i knew and thats what he told him. Everything that she has told me has been proven many times to be true so i really dont think she is lying about anything right now. You never think anyboy can do this to you. I dont know what to do right now. Any advice would be great and if I am over reacting then let me know. Yes, we werent dating, but still after that long you shouldnt do that. Thank yall very much for any responses and I hope it is not too confusing.

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It sounds to me like she wanted the break in order to test the waters with this other guy. It didn't progress very far and she realized she wants to be with you not him. Accept this was a rash and foolish move on her part and she made a mistake. She is back with you now and if things are going well and she is really sorry about what happened then put it in the past and focus on the wonderful relationship you have now.

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heh, so she wasn't honest with you, and it took another person, your friend, to reveal this to you? She couldn't tell you herself? And after you confront her, it's all of a sudden 'only a kiss' and she 'only hung out with him a couple times?'

 

No offense, do the math. She was talking to him a week before she decided to dump you? And the *day* after she dumped you, she played tonsil hockey with him? Sounds like she had most of this planned out.

 

Too bad it didn't work out for her, but, hey, she had you for backup, so no sweat off her back. Maybe the next guy will work out better?

 

I would seriously reconsider staying with someone who lied to me for months about something like this.

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She was testing. And there should be some consequence short of breaking up. She did lie to you. I would consider no phone contact till the end of the school year. Tell her if she can be faithful till the end of the semester, that you will take her back. This actually more of a test then a punishment. Tell her she will have to refrain from any more male attachments and that you will allow texting. Because you don't want to isolate her. Tell her she needs to do some thinking on whether this could ever happen again.

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It sounds to me like she wanted the break in order to test the waters with this other guy. It didn't progress very far and she realized she wants to be with you not him. Accept this was a rash and foolish move on her part and she made a mistake. She is back with you now and if things are going well and she is really sorry about what happened then put it in the past and focus on the wonderful relationship you have now.

 

Agree 100%. You are both young and this is the type of stuff that happens. Honestly, I don't think you can be mad at her -- she didn't cheat on you -- you had already broken up.

 

Don't dwell on the past...or the fact that she kissed another guy. I know it's tough to think about, but in the long run you might have a stronger relationship now that the doubt has been erased in her mind.

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Agree 100%. You are both young and this is the type of stuff that happens. Honestly, I don't think you can be mad at her -- she didn't cheat on you -- you had already broken up.

 

Don't dwell on the past...or the fact that she kissed another guy. I know it's tough to think about, but in the long run you might have a stronger relationship now that the doubt has been erased in her mind.

 

Im sorry but breaking up with someone with the expressed intent of making sure you want the same things within THAT relationship and then going to hook up with someone else is pretty much cheating.

 

Its lying for sure.

 

But using 'space' as an excuse to fool around with someone else is 99% cheating. Maybe it wouldnt be in the court of law (so to speak) but for all intents and purposes its cheating.

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Im sorry but breaking up with someone with the expressed intent of making sure you want the same things within THAT relationship and then going to hook up with someone else is pretty much cheating.

 

Its lying for sure.

 

But using 'space' as an excuse to fool around with someone else is 99% cheating. Maybe it wouldnt be in the court of law (so to speak) but for all intents and purposes its cheating.

 

Agreed.

 

If she'd said that they were having a break to 'date others', then she is being (at least a little) up front about her intentions. It also would have allowed the OP the opportunity to do the same. This is not what she did however, she lied - knowing full well what the 'break' was intended for.

 

She cheated, but by doing so whilst they were technically 'on a break' allows her to feel as though she didn't. It's all about her.

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Well she was flirting with this other guy and decided to see what would happen. So she told you to give space for b.s. reasons and it didn't work out with him, so she called you and said she couldn't imagine life without you. You can look at this in one of two ways:

 

a. You are both young and she wanted to be with someone else one last time just to make sure you're the right one for her. This other guy seemed exciting but just made her realize how glad she is to have you instead.

 

b. She was talking to this guy while you were still officially together, before the break. This is cheating. You then had to find out about him from someone else, and it took questioning for her to admit she kissed him. Not telling = lying. She cheated and lied to you but you've forgiven her and taken her back. She might do it again now, and you can't fully trust her as you could before.

 

You can pick.

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Her excuse for breaking up with me was she was scared and flustered about leaving school and moving and she freaked out. She still stands by her reasons she broke up with me, and now admits that he had a little something to do with it also, but he wasnt the main reason. Thank you everybody for yalls response. I really dont have anybody else to talk to, because if we did end up staying together then I would not want anybody to know that she did this. Mainly, because I would be insecure about other people knowing

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Im sorry but breaking up with someone with the expressed intent of making sure you want the same things within THAT relationship and then going to hook up with someone else is pretty much cheating.

 

Its lying for sure.

 

But using 'space' as an excuse to fool around with someone else is 99% cheating. Maybe it wouldnt be in the court of law (so to speak) but for all intents and purposes its cheating.

 

I'm not saying it was the nobelest way to go about doing it...but the fact of the matter is they weren't together when she kissed another guy thereforee she didn't technically cheat.

 

I'm not going to get into a discussion on words or semantics, but these things happen. They OP and his GF are young and if this was going to happen, then it was handeled as best as the situation allows.

 

Again, I'm not defending what she did...that's only for the OP to decide.

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The bottom line is really whether or not you like her enough. It seems a little messed up to kiss another person right after you two broke up, but at least she didn't do it while still with you.

 

You should know though, that basically she wanted to see if things could work with the other guy, and when it didn't, she came back and it MAY happen again in the future. You ought to ask yourself if you would ever do that. I am not making any assumptions, but if you see the same possibility in your future, then you may not want to judge her too harshly. BUT, if you are extremely loyal or you value loyalty a lot, then...yeah

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personally, I think taking her back as if this whole thing was 'no big deal' sends the wrong message.

 

It makes you look weak and desperate. Like you're a pushover or a doormat - she can do whatever she wants, because when push comes to shove, you're not going to have the guts to dump her. You'll always be the second-choice, back-up, insurance plan, 'nice guy', etc.

 

If this bothers you (and it would bother me), then you should stand up for yourself.

 

Don't sacrifice your dignity or your principles just for the sake of staying together.

 

In the long run, it won't work.

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^oh come on!!

 

listen here, this sort of thing happens all the time. what probably happened with her was that she started to feel unsure of the relationship, and then the guy (Mr. X) comes along. At first she probably didnt think anything of him, talked to him, but gradually the freeness and lightness of Mr. X's interactions seemed a little less stressful than the situations and interactions concerning the relationship she was in. Over time she starts to see things in a slant. Mr. X seems like an interesting guy, and the stress of the relationship is making it very unappealing. Not to mention the current moving deal going on.

So the pressure mounts. The only way she can rid herself of it in her mind is to take a break, and pursue Mr. X.

She does.

 

But With that change of scenery, being on the outside looking in, her choice didnt make sense. Mr. X wasnt at all what she imagined he was, not that its because she got to know him better, but just because she is no longer being bombarded with the influence that a strained relationship can inflict on someone.

 

All of a sudden things become clear, she didnt want Mr. X at all, she just needed some time to sort her feelings out during such a static time.

 

And she went back to where she felt she really belonged. By your side Keya.

 

 

So.. unless i am missing something thats all i see in this. and she didnt cheat on you physcially. just probably emotionally.

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Based on the timing of the events, yeah, I would probably say that you got backburnered, and she came back to you as a second choice.

 

I might think differently if it was a mutual breakup. But it was she who talked to this other guy before the breakup. And it she who dumped you. And it was she who kissed him only a week after ending things with you. And it was she who decided not to tell you about it. You only found out because someone else decided to tell you the truth - because she obviously wasn't going to.

 

Basically, she had all the say in all of this. It doesn't sound to me like your opinion even counted - she just did what she wanted, and you were stuck in the passenger seat. And that's a kind of crappy relationship to be in when only one person is driving.

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Reading through the advice on this thread I find myself in a uniquely spit up view.

 

On one hand I agree with E.D. on the possibility that the girl wanted to make sure you were 'the one' by testing the waters outside the relationship. However, though she may feel the separation allowed her the leeway to do this, it does not seem to me that she wanted the risk of you doing the same thing. If you find yourself agreeing with E.D.'s take, I would suggest asking yourself two questions; 1) how would she have reacted if your roles had been reversed? and 2) are YOU sure that she is 'the one' for you? She needed to take a look at the relationship from the outside to see if it was for her, do you need to do the same?

 

On the other hand I do know some people just cannot get by without having a SO and will, as some of the posters before me pointed out, pull stunts like this to see if they can 'trade up' or see if their new prospect was actually an improvement. If this was the case then I would not recommending letting the relationship become any more serious as she will always have an eye out for a potential upgrade.

 

While some might poo-poo this being over a little tonsil hockey, in my opinion emotional affairs are no less wrong than purely physical ones... perhaps more so. Ultimately it comes down to you; what can you tolerate and how much you trust her. Remember, infatuation, that sweet sweet feeling at the start of a relationship, only lasts for so long. What does your objective mind tell you about the potential for a lasting relationship with her based on this experience?

 

However this goes, I wish you the best. I like happy endings over sad ones, but sad ones are still far better than tragedies... I will pray for a non-masseuse related happy ending for you.

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I'm not saying it was the nobelest way to go about doing it...but the fact of the matter is they weren't together when she kissed another guy thereforee she didn't technically cheat.

 

I'm not going to get into a discussion on words or semantics, but these things happen. They OP and his GF are young and if this was going to happen, then it was handeled as best as the situation allows.

 

Again, I'm not defending what she did...that's only for the OP to decide.

 

So if I call my girl right now who happens to be out of town for a while and say baby I think we should break up, or take a break for a while...

and then I go have sex with someone 5 minutes later, and then call her right afterwards and say nevermind, lets get back together...

 

thats not cheating?

 

Breaking up with someone and using that space to have sex with someone else with the intent of getting back together afterwards IS CHEATING. Period.

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Lets get this straight... She did not have sex with the guy. I was the first and only person she has ever had sex with. i would never be able to be with her if she had sex with somebody else. I think sex is completely different than a kiss. With that said, I still dont know what to do. As always probably, the SO says she wants to be with me for the rest of my life, but she also told me this right when she got back together with me. Thank you for the responses. They are more helpful then I could have hoped for

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Im sorry but breaking up with someone with the expressed intent of making sure you want the same things within THAT relationship and then going to hook up with someone else is pretty much cheating.

 

Its lying for sure.

 

But using 'space' as an excuse to fool around with someone else is 99% cheating. Maybe it wouldnt be in the court of law (so to speak) but for all intents and purposes its cheating.

 

 

This is the same advice I'd give.

 

I think that if it DiD work out with yhis guy she wouldn't have come back. And what that would tell me is that next time a guy catches her eye and woos her enough I would go thru this b.s. all over again.

I honestly think that something happened and it just didn't work out with this other guy so she came back 'home'. I wouldn't be real enthused about embracing her back in my arms.

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The reason she said she broke up with him was that she told him that she loved me too much. I dont really feel like she is just settling in for me if that is what she told him. Also, I didnt really believe her about that to begin with, but I have confirmed that she was telling the truth.

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The reason she said she broke up with him was that she told him that she loved me too much.

 

Of course this is what she would *say*. Do not accept everything she says as gospel at the moment. It may be true, but just because she says it does not make it so.

It could be argued that if she loved you 'too much', she would not have tried to be with him in the first place.

 

No-one is wishing you to fail, we just want you to be careful here and not jump back into a relationship that could be doomed to fail. Take your time and don't try to make things 'like they were' too quickly.

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