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I so had enough!


EmotionalCreature
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I had enough of it all.. there's nothing positive in my life right now. Work, money, health, happiness, friends, love, everything! I get up in the morning and go to a job I don't love doing, spend time with somewhat wonderful people and no matter how hard I try, I just don't fit in. I feel like people don't even want to look at me, it always started out just fine but afterwards things tend to f'up all the time. I thought, well maybe it's where I was, who I was. So I tried to change it all but now I realized, it's not them, it's me. I've tried for 3 years, I'm tired of trying and I just want to give up. But then something always show up just before I throw my hands up and restored my faith again by a little bit, and it goes away. Do you ever feel like you're a cure-all medicine? I do, whenever people have some problems, some little pain, everyone wants you, once the pain is gone, nobody wants to keep on taking that medicine....... well that's me. My life has no meaning, I looked for the positives, and I can't really find much. I am always misunderstood about things I say, said or will say. Everyone hates me and I don't know why. The thoughts of going to a shrink and pour my heart out terrifies me. I can't afford it anyway.... all who to used to be my best friends either disappeared or moved to other countries. If I'm so great at understanding and helping other people in their tough times, why is my life so miserable and my existence is meaningless.. if I pass will anyone even care, will they even know? I had it, I had enough of a life like this. Professional help? I don't even know if I'll have any money in 2 weeks time. What's going on? Why? I'm normally very together, but right now nothing makes any sense and the idea of sleeping forever is so appealing. There's a normal, decent, kind and caring person inside me somewhere I'm sure, but why can't anyone see? I really don't know how I will get through this, but I guess I will, maybe.

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Yeahh.. I know the feeling of "I want to sleep forever." Earlier this week I spent Monday and Tuesday just overdosing on sleeping pills. I probably took about 30 in two days.

 

Can you find a new job? If you hate the one you are in *look* for another. Even if you don't end up getting a new one maybe it will make you feel better to even know that you CAN.

 

Another suggestion I have found useful (and at times destructive): If you really are stuck in your situation and can't improve it.. then find some meaningless thing you can work on. That way, you wake up in the morning and do feel like you are getting somewhere. I know it is so easy to just fall into a pit of saying that you are done and giving up on yourself. The reality is, as long as you are on this mortal coil you are the one stuck living your life. So just force yourself to do one little positive thing (even if it is a pointless thing).

 

I don't think you really want to kill yourself though. I think you just want a way out of the situation. If you ARE serious about it though, tell us your plan and I will explain to you why you shouldn't use that method. If you don't want to kill yourself (for even a moment), but feel that you will, look up a crisis help line in your area NOW and keep it in your pocket at all times. Last resort would be to walk yourself into an ER and tell them you want to kill yourself.

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It does feel like it makes perfect sense doesn't it? But, did it always make perfect sense to you? If not, you were once in a state where suicide did not seem like the logical conlusion. Hence, it is possible to return to such a state.

 

I think if you are still coming to that conclusion, you should seek therapy ASAP. Do you have insurance? If so, you can go online to your insurance provider to see who accepts your insurance and what the copay will be (usually between $10-20 or sometimes none). If you don't have insurance, there are clinics who see the uninsured and a medical doctor or nurse practitioner would be able to prescribe meds. If you are religious, you could get free "counseling" from the church.

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Another suggestion: tryyy to look on the positive. You said you get up to go to a job that your don't love. Well, at least you are still getting up. Sometimes when people became very depressed they will literally spend all their time in their rooms or in bed wasting away and not eating.

 

Something that could help going down the path of a more positive attitude would be to do some volenteer work. For example, you could help S.O.M.E. to provide food to the hungry or look up a homeless shelter that you could help with. If nothing else, you will find people that possibly have it worse off than you and will appreciate your help. You may also gain some self esteem and respect for the good you are doing.

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