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Growing frustrated & NC


hotchip
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Hello all, this is my first post so I'll give a brief history.

 

Together with ex for 20 months, met at uni on the first day, had a flirty/friendly relationship for a month or two then got together before Christmas 06. I'm 23, she's 21. We both live very far away, separated by sea, so while we were at uni we were very full on, we had our silly problems like most but we also shared a lot together very quickly (I guess living in uni halls together gives a lot of time around one another).

 

We broke up last August (she did the breaking), it was very difficult because she'd met 20/30 members of my family a week or two earlier and it was the summer holidays so it wasn't as if we could meet up to chat about it. A good thing you say? In theory, but it caused us to both phone each other a lot which probably made it worse. Back at uni in September it was difficult for me, the large majority of my friends at uni are my ex's housemates and inevitably sided with her, tried to protect her and do the 'friend' thing which by Christmas/now has ended in her 7 housemates rarely talking to me, if at all. She wanted space, I gave it to her for a while but sharing friends we saw a fair bit of each other and I made the all to common drunk mistakes, which then led to phoning and texting that bit too much and now we don't speak at all.

 

I've got a lot of other things going on at the moment (financial problems, mothers ill health, possibly dropping out of uni) so I've been trying to forget it, forget her and deal with these things first. She wouldn't reply to me if I did try to contact her (I don't and haven't for some time (a message or two over the Christmas period)) so it's not as if I have much of a choice but I've been trying NC for a few weeks now anyway. It's going fairly well, there have been a few things that have pushed me to the edge. Someone mentioned they'd seen her at a speed dating charity night, something I'd never had the impression she'd do but I guess that's not really any of my business now. Then today I spotted a rather unpleasant note on my Facebook feed by one of her friends from home (not uni, someone I've met perhaps two, three times - if that), it was one of those '25 things about me' notes and her friend had decided to mention "never date anyone called matt, thanks sarah" (me, my ex) in there. Considering I'd only ever met the girl two or three times it got me annoyed, I wrote a text to the ex but decided to delete it and ignore the comment.

 

It just got me wandering exactly what my ex has been saying for someone who I barely know to bother writing that. There are many, many things that I know Sarah would never share with anyone, that I helped her with and that were important to our relationship, so I wouldn't expect her to have spoken to people about those things but I didn't really consider the possibility that she was conveying me or our relationship in such a negative light. I wouldn't expect a fair argument to be put accross by an ex when they're talking to their friends and obviously the friend is going to side with the ex but I've never done anything to warrant that kind of needless comment. Silly comments like this, the speed dating thing above and just the thought of her being with other men really pushes me to contacting her sometimes, a little text or an email but I know they're not going to make the blindest bit of difference which is something I keep reminding myself.

 

Anyway, I've written this in the 'getting back together' forum because (providing I don't drop out of uni now) I have three months left before I do leave, at which point it's highly unlikely I will ever see the ex again... So I've (perhaps stupidly?) set myself the deadline of two - two and a half months of NC, plenty of time to focus on my work, get fit and healthy again and to hopefully allow myself to manage this a little better. If nothing changes between the ex and I in the remaining time then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

 

I'd be the first to say she's treated me like a piece of rubbish since we broke up, especially over the last three to four months but I've also done things to push her away and I also know the girl I remember being with for so long. Perhaps I'll waste the next three months, somehow get back with her and realise that she isn't quite who I remember, perhaps she'll be just what I remember or perhaps the three months will pass by and I won't hear a word from her but I don't really have much else to lose right now so I intend of giving it my best shot.

 

Cheers for reading

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To be completely honest I can't remember exactly what was said. Most of it was down to being too serious, we were both going into (now in) our final year at uni, she'd had a boyfriend (me) for most of her time at uni and it was her first real relationship. I got the impression she wanted to enjoy final year without a relationship hanging over it, whether that means she wanted to be with other people or not I don't know. She's never given me a decent chance to sit down and talk with her. Other than that I had the odd jealousy issue with her sexual past which she seemed to think massively affected me, which it didn't and she had issues with my relationship past.

 

I know it seems as if she's moved on (speed dating, cutting contact etc) and I'm certainly not naive enough to think the signs suggesting it aren't there, but I've never been one to just sleep around and I wouldn't want a new relationship when I'm leaving in 3 months anyway so I don't have much to lose with regards to relationships/the ex.

 

Addition:

Oh, I don't know if it makes any difference to how you interpet the situation but we slept together and spent the morning/day after together twice after the break up, in September and November.

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I think you should forget about her and focus on finishing up university, dealing with your financial issues and your mother's health. She clearly is not interested and, in fact, has turned people against you...why bother with someone who could do that. You have enough on your plate...make your priority finishing up university to further your future. Give up on her but don't give up on your education.

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