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Actions speak so much louder than words!


Dani0613

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Ugh, so my ex of 8 months (were together for almost 2 years) met out for a drink this past weekend. Though she's in another relationship (been about 3 months), it hasnt been a very healthy relationship.

 

Anyway, it was the first encounter we had to really talk after everything happened following our break up. I posted under a separate thread everything she said to me. ie. 'if she could go back she wouldnt have left me', 'i was the one that got away', 'her heart stopped when she saw me'..blah blah.

 

I left that evening not feeling a whole hell of a lot better than I was before I saw her. In fact, I felt worse. I had the love of my life telling me all this crap, but yet, she was still with someone else. Someone that I dont believe she even loves, and someone who would be leaving for 4 months beginning in March.

 

Anyway. Last night, she called me. She called me to vent about some meeting she had after workd. Fine. I kept it cordial and she then said that she was happy to have seen me and was happy we were able to talk. I told her that nothing she said made sense and that it was really hard for me to believe anything that came out of her mouth based on the lies she dished out following our break up.

 

She questioned what I was referring to and I told her. She told me that she never lied to me when we were together and that she was a coward at the end and that's the only time she lied. Whatever. Then, she told me that she told her new gf that she had met me out. Her new gf questioned my ex as to whether or not she had missed me. My ex responding telling her new gf that I was her best friend and due to her actions had lost that. She said that she had missed me. According to what my ex said, her gf asked if she would be with me if she (the new girl) wasnt in the picture; my ex said she couldnt answer that question and that it wasnt fair to have asked.

 

I pushed it a step further and asked her honestly, if she had felt anything when she saw me. She said that, again, she couldnt answer that question. Once again, Im not getting direct answers. It's a yes or no. That's it.

 

I know I deserve more than this and that I have to let this go b/c she IS with someone else. I REFUSSSSSSSSSSSE to sit back and pretent to be her 'friend' while she is with someone else. Plus, she knows very well how I feel and I would feel like a total ass if I settled for anything less than what I deserve. I just dont get her. Then she tells me if we're meant to be, we'll be. Huh???

 

When she broke up with me it was b/c she said she needed to be alone. AGain last night, she told me that if this new relationship didnt survive, she would need to be alone before getting involved again. I laughed at her and told her that's what she had told me 8 months ago! Her response? 'I didnt expect to fall for someone, or meet someone, so soon after you'....please...

 

It's amazing how my heart and logic are battling so much. I know what I need to do, yet I can't let this girl out of my heart. WTH? I just dont see how her new relationship is going to survive a 4 month absense when theyve only been together for 3 months, it has NOT been healty and theyve already broken up once. I know this isnt my problem....

 

I just wish this situation was easier. Has anyone been in a similar situation with an ex?? What did you do? What happened?? I could really use something to compare this to..

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I haven't been in a situation like yours, but I'm sorry you're going through it!

 

On the one hand, it almost sounds like she loves you and wants you back in her life but doesn't know quite how to make that happen (in a way that is "fair" to the current GF). On the other...it sounds like she just wants to keep you there in the background, waiting for her (and wanting her) while she does her own thing.

 

I mean, two things are confusing. If you're "the one who got away" and you're currently available, then why doesn't she honestly try to rekindle something with you? Is she waiting for a guarantee that you'll take her back, or is she just saying pretty things to keep you on her hook? The part that REALLY confuses me is that she told you that she would need to be alone again for awhile 'if' this new relationship fails. Why?? So that she can feel like she's not a cheater who dumped one GF for her ex? Or so that she can build it a little safety clause for herself that she can refer back to later ("No, I TOLD you that even if we broke up I would need some time alone to sort it out...."). Huh?

 

I've gotta say that I hear how frustrated you are, and I'm afraid that she is immature at best, and playing with you at worst. I don't think she's being intentionally cruel, but it sounds like she just doesn't know what she wants and she doesn't know how to let you go gracefully. I'm sorry.

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Thank you, I appreciate your response. She is extremely confusing and quite honestly, I dont think she knows what she wants. She had broken up with her new gf last sunday, got back during the week but didnt spend valentine's day together?? She met me out for a drink that night. Just is all over the place. She said she got back with her new girl b/c she wanted to at least say she 'tried'. She wants to see if the new girl misses her while she's away for 4 months....I just know my ex and I dont believe she truly loves this person...I just dont. Then again, if she truly loved me, she would be with me. I dont think she knows WHAT love is.

 

In another breath, she looked at me on Sat and said, 'I dont want you to ever think that i never loved you. I do and did..'...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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I dont think she knows WHAT love is.

 

I think this is the key. I've read several of your threads, and your ex reminds me of my ex is some ways, and this (I feel) is his major issue too. I think both of our exes probably loved us to the extent that they are capable of love, but I don't think they REALLY know what love is, so how are they really able to fully love anyone? They aren't.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it must be so confusing and frustrating to you. She's being very unfair to both you and her current gf. In a way I think she's right to say that she would need some time to be alone even if they broke up. I know with my ex, I wouldn't trust him to be coming back to be for the right reasons unless he was alone for a while. In a way, I feel like people like this need to learn to be alone and learn what love really means before they can really have a successful relationship. That's just my opinion, though, I'm not sure it's really correct.

 

I totally understand why you're struggling so much, but I think you need to tell her that it isn't fair of her to be stringing you along while she's with someone else, and that you would prefer some space from her unless something changes.

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i know what i need to do and that's go back to where i was before our encounter; back to focusing on 'me'. There WILL come a point in her life where she will recognize that she does need to be alone. She's never been. It's sad really.. Not my problem though.

 

i do lover her very much, i wish i could change that, but i cant. i have to love me more right now and remove myself from this situation. it's so incredibly unfair.

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It just blows my mind how I could go from the 'love of her life' for two years to a 'back up plan' 8 months later....

 

Bottom line is, if she truly wanted to be with me, she would be. Period. IF she really did feel something when she saw me again, she would stop at nothing to pursue it. Obviously she's with someone now, but it's def nowhere near the relationship we had (though it's not my concern). I do feel like she's trying to keep a door open. It's almost like, although she doesnt want to be with me right now (if even ever again), no one else can either. I havent been with anyone since her and she knows this.

 

I need to keep pushing forward and go back to my 'happy place'.

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Hey Dani,

 

Hang in there. Your ex sounds like mine. Mine broke up with me a few months back saying she needed space and "me time". She is a few years younger than me and frankly I feel she is being very immature. We were a great couple together but for some reason she felt she needed to be alone because she hadn't been alone in a long time. It hurt really bad and it still does hurt. I have good days and bad days. What I don't understand is how these people think that they are missing something out there. Don't they understand that the grass is not greener? There are enough problems in the world I don't understand why people have to create more problems and drama than necessary. They just need to learn how to appreciate what they had because they may not be able to get it back with us. Keep your head up, she may just end up coming back to you and you can either take her back or not. Make the ball be in your court.

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After having thought about it, it's really time that I put my foot down and stand my ground. I can't be her 'friend' while she is in a relationship with someone else. For one, it's not fair to me. For another, it's not fair to her current gf. Regardless of the fact that she and I were together for almost 2 years and were extremely close, it does absolutely no good to be in the background while she lives her life. I need to live mine and find MY happiness.

 

I am a wonderful gf and I deserve more than to put myself in this position. This is all much easier said than done, but I have to. Nothing else has gotten me anywhere so why stay in a state of misery? Screw that.

 

As I said before, if she truly wanted to be with me, she would be. Unless she's crying on my doorstep, begging to be with me, flowers in hand, blah blah...it ain't gonna happen for us. At this rate, even that may not be enough to convince me...

 

Back to NC and MEEEEEEEEE....

 

I dont know why she believes the GIG, but it's not. I know she's having problems in her relationship and continues to. The new girl will be leaving in 2weeks for 4 months. Good luck to them!

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What I don't understand is how these people think that they are missing something out there. Don't they understand that the grass is not greener? There are enough problems in the world I don't understand why people have to create more problems and drama than necessary. They just need to learn how to appreciate what they had because they may not be able to get it back with us.

 

I understand what you are saying, but each person's motive is different in this type of situation.

 

I dumped my girlfriend because like you say, I thought I was "missing something out there" but the reason wasn't to go and sleep around or date other people, it's simply because I haven't ever been on my own and it's something I need to experience before I can commit to someone fully. I'm taking time out from relationships to discover myself and what makes me happy so my next relationship can be as healthy as possible and I'm not entering into it with one foot out the door or 'what ifs' in my head.

 

The price I paid for breaking up with my girlfriend was discovering that the grass is NOT always greener and that I should have appreciated the amazing relationship we had. On the one hand, finishing her was the biggest mistake of my life as I really love her and now it's too late to go back. But on the other hand it was necessary so I can live for myself for a while and become a more stable partner. Selfish? Perhaps, but I wasn't happy in the relationship due to this exact issue and she's moved on and found another man now, so I know she is happy despite the initial pain of the breakup.

 

I don't really sympathise with people who ditch a partner for someone else and then find out the grass isn't greener and want to come back, I just wanted to put accross my story and let you know that it isn't always so cut and dry. Sometimes one partner has to leave in order to improve themselves to the degree where they can give themselves fully to future partners (or their ex, if they will take them back). This is what I'm doing.

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as i said on antoher thread, guys take heed from my story.. my ex left 4 months ago... she was with another guy straight away and moved in with him... we were in contact for the last 3 months.. her saying missed me, loved me blah blah... i was clinging to hope she would "wake up" and come back.

 

Monday she told me she'd got engaged. Naturally devastated and feel worse than the day we split..

 

Moral to this story, is that if id gone NC from the day i learned she'd shacked up with this bloke I wouldnt be in the mess im in now.

 

NC may make you miss them and think of them more in the first month, but it will get better. Dont break it and end up like me at the moment!

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She is a drama queen. She is stringing along both you and her new girlfriend creating all kinds of drama and angst..and probably loving the attention she gets. She is selfish and self-absorbed and spewing out nonsense. Disappear from her life and don't take any more of her calls until she gets her act together.

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I should have taken your advice the night prior to last! She called me to say hello. I answered and was pretty short. I know, I shouldnt have answered but I can't say that I wasnt curious as to why she had called.

 

She told me that she was glad to have seen me and that was happy we talked. I was honest and told her that I felt very indifferent. She asked why and I explained that she was/is a walking contradiction.

 

Anyway, she told me that she told her gf we hung out and her gf asked if she had missed me. Her response (according to her) was 'Of course Ive missed her. She was my best friend and it's my fault b/c I lost that'. Her gf then asked her if my ex would be with me if she wasnt in the picture. My ex said, 'that's not a fair question to ask me, please dont ask that'. I asked her if she felt anything when she saw me and she answered with the same response.

 

Forget it. I am getting nowhere doing what Ive been doing and am going bak to NC. She has a LOT of crap to figure out and as Ive said, if she wanted to be with me, she would. None of this 'stringing me along'. Her loss!

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Have you noticed how cruel your ex is....she went behind her current partner's back to see you...then supposedly in the spirit of openness but the reality was to stir the pot, she tells her current partner of her visit with you. Naturally, as expected (and as your ex wanted), the current partner starts feeling insecure and starts asking questions...your ex basically tells her that she has regrets about how she handled things with you but is a little vague....thus stirring the pot even more, prompting the inevitable question from her partner about whether she would like to go back to you...that's when your ex shut her down, left her in the dark and left her to sit and stew...just like she is leaving you to sit and stew. What kind of person baits someone like that...a selfish, self-absorbed person....what she did was very cunning and very cruel.

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Oh I dont disagree with you. She told me on Saturday that her current gf had asked HER if she was ever with someone that she believed was the ONE that got away... I know her current gf and they are NEVER together. In fact, her current gf asked for space in December after they had only been together for like a month. They didnt spend new year's together, didnt spent valentine's day together and according to pretty good sources, her current gf told my ex that if she ever left her, she would get violent. VERY messed up and something Im staying FAR AWAY FROM. Im a much wiser person than any of this. CAD, thanks for your insight and reassurance that Im not the crazy one here...

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Ok Dani0613, you need to stop talking to her asap.

 

My wife did the said the same type of stuff to me. Right now she is still in the honeymoon stage of her relationship with the other guy so you can't compete with that even if you are the greatest guy in the world.

 

You have to ignore her starting today. If she calls don't answer. If you end up talking to her do NOT talk about your relationship with her and stop asking her questions. Don't respond to anything she does and don't argue. Fighting them helps them justify leaving so agree with whatever she says 100% even if it's dead wrong and take the blame for the relationship failing. That will take the wind out of her sails.

 

She is in a fog right now and is following her emotions because she can not think rationally right now. Don't be her friend but don't be mean either, just get away from her while she gets her head straight. She can't miss you if you are there all the time.

 

Give it another 3 months, I suspect it you can go NC she'll start wanting to come back but be careful and make sure the other guy is completely out of the picture or else she may relapse.

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Thanks gang. I know what I need to do and that's disappear. Besides, I NEED to do this for ME, not b/c I'm hoping she'll come back. I deserve to be happy and enjoy my life. I've done what I can, said all I need/ed to and have made myself VERY clear. What she does with it, I can't control.

 

WHAT I DO WITH WHAT I KNOW, I CAN CONTROL.

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you can't rationalize with irrational. For whatever their reasons, they chose to leave.

 

It's up to us to focus on ourselves and recognize that we are worth more than we allow ourselves to be treated. Had I done something 'wrong', then I wouldn't have nearly as hard of a time as I am. But, I know it's not me and I need to push forward!

 

Time will heal my wounds and give me answers to all my outstanding questions. By then, I may not even care to have any answers.

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It's funny that you mentioned giving it another 3 months. Her current gf is leaving next week (3/6) to go away for 4 months on business (training). I'd be curious to see how that impacts their relationship. However, it's still not my concern b/c it's not my relationship and she isn't a part of my life in the way I want her to be.

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