Jump to content

Recommended Posts

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

I had a 4-1/2 yr LDR, described in other threads. Anyhow, last spring our relationship was going into a lull. I wasn't sure if she still loved me and I wasn't sure if I still loved her. I started to get the grass is greener syndrome. Anyhow, another girl came into the picture and showed a lot of interest. I started to develop feelings for her b/c we really had a lot of good discussions, although I thought of her as more of a friend. After some "romantic" emails, we ended the whole thing, b/c I knew deep inside that I wanted to be with my current gf in the long run. So anyhow, I moved in w/ my gf within a week of that (long story, but I could live w/ her for the summer). Anyhow, I gave her the cold shoulder all summer b/c I felt guilty for talking to the other girl and at the same time I missed talking to the other girl. Basically, my heart was in confusion.

 

So anyhow, my gf broke up with me a couple months ago and I'm not sure if it was due to the fact that this other girl told her about what I had done (I never cheated, only talked), or it could have been due to distancing feelings, amplified by my cold shoulder. The other girl often threatened to tell my (now) ex if I didn't. So, if it is the first case, I feel like the only way to get my ex back is to be upfront about things, b/c if the other girl mentioned this to her, it would have sounded a lot worse than it was. It would also explain my actions/mentality this past summer. On the other hand if she doesn't know, I would be digging myself into a bigger hole. Every mutual friend I've contacted even with just a hello has not returned contact. The breakup was very sudden, w/ no previous signs, b/c our relationship started to turn for the better after I figured things out. I realize many relationships end suddenly. So my question is, should I talk to my ex about this, or let sleeping dogs lie? It may be the only way to get her back and at the same time it may be the only way to permanently screw up my chances of getting my ex back.

 

Ammended information:

Until last spring, our relationship seemed pretty good. We had a couple of fights about her sacrificing time for me, since I was doing that for her. Other than that we had no serious fights. We both seemed to be complacent in the relationship (problem) and the romance was gone. She is very non-confrontational and would not let me know if she knows about me cheating on her (not physically). It was very short lived (less than a month). Anyhow, we were together for 6-7 months after this. My guilt kept me very distant for 5 of those months. I would say it made me seem so much worse as a boyfriend than ever before. I began the relationship wanting to be her knight in shining armor and instead turned into the opposite. So anyhow, the breakup: She called after she had done some driving to tell me that she felt selfish as though she wasn't putting in the amount of effort into our relationship as I was. She said she had built up emotional walls against me and didn't think she had the fight to let the walls back down. Basically, a summary of her descriptions is that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. I know I wouldn't if I were her, even if she didn't know about the cheating. We had contact 4-6 times after that for a little over a month. Most of the conversations resulted in me begging to have her take me back. I tried a couple conversations of casual talk to be friends. All conversations went pretty well (no arguing), except for the fact that I made myself seem very unattractive. 3 weeks into the breakup, I sent her a picture slideshow with music, apologies, and notes trying to remind her of our good times together. When we talked after that, she said she wasn't sure if it changed her mind about things. During the time of LC, she never contacted me w/o me contacting her first. Our conversations never indicated that she knew anything about the cheating (she is non-confrontational, so I don't know if that means anything). However, I have tried talking to 3 mutual friends, with no responses from any of them. They were more her friends than mine. I also read a message on Facebook to her saying "You are awesome & not to dwell on the relationship situation, but "we" are happy.. oh, that wasted message in June.. I can only imagine the male population trembles at your re-emergence". I'm not sure how to read into that. Anyhow, since the LC, I have started NC and am 3 weeks into it. I hope to spark her curiosity and heal at the same time. I've noticed unusual online behavior, like she'll wait online for awhile, but won't get online during work like she used to, almost as if she is waiting for me to say something. It could all be in my head, since I drastically overanalyze anything related to the ex-relationship now.

 

I will be visiting her city on business in April.

 

I would give absolutely anything to get my ex back. I love her (I never told her that). I know I can be a 300% better boyfriend than I was.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In my opinion, u should just tell her the truth. If she cant handle the truth and wants nothing to do with you, then what else is there for you to do? You probably "emotionally cheated" on your gf, but soon realized that u wanted no one but your gf, and hopefully u will never do anything like this again.

 

In either case, this gives her an explanation, and hopefully she will understand and forgive. If she really does care for you, she probably will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes you should talk to her. You did emotionally cheat..sending romantic emails is indeed cheating. Would you like if she had sent romantic emails to another guy? It is quite possible she found out what happened. You not owning up to it and coming clean compounds the problem because it shows lack of honesty and owning up to wrong-doing. If you want her back then you need to be open and honest...no deception. Then she can decide whether or not she forgives you and trusts you enough to move forward with reconciliation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that emotionally cheating is cheating. However, you can't help what your mind does. I will agree that the emails were cheating. I guess my concern is if I would be selfish to tell her about this after we broke up. If she doesn't know it would probably only hurt her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that emotionally cheating is cheating. However, you can't help what your mind does. I will agree that the emails were cheating. I guess my concern is if I would be selfish to tell her about this after we broke up. If she doesn't know it would probably only hurt her.

 

 

It is a matter of whether or not you want to get back together with her. If you want to make amends for what you did and ask for her back then yes, you should tell her. If you are not interested in approaching her with the specific goal of asking for another chance then no, don't tell her. It sounds like she already knows or suspects. As for what the mind does...well, the mind was encouraged by the contact. The minute the mind is feeling interest, then communication should have ceased.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks. I ended contact with the other girl within a week after I realized what was happening. I definitely would like to reconcile with my gf. I just worry that she may not know about this already and that I would only be hurting her by telling her. I'd say there is a 50/50 chance she knows.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks. I ended contact with the other girl within a week after I realized what was happening. I definitely would like to reconcile with my gf. I just worry that she may not know about this already and that I would only be hurting her by telling her. I'd say there is a 50/50 chance she knows.

 

 

I am not convinced you are trying to protect her...I think you are trying to save your own skin. How would you explain why you were so distant with her? If you lie to her and then she eventually finds out then your relationship will likely end. If you want to get back with her you have to explain honestly why you backed away from her and not make excuses and lie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I believe like CAD's you absolutely should tell her. I would bet strongly she knows and that is why she did what she did and won't talk to you. The fact that .mutual friends won't speak either says she knows and has let the know.

That said, she probably feels as if you cheated and are now cheating and lying. I am sure she feels betrayed and as if she cannot trust you.

If you tell her and she didn't know ( which I doubt) so what. You have been completely honest and she should thank goodness to have such an honest Man in her life. If she can't forgive you then forgiveness will be an issue in every argument you have in the future.

I don't think you are trying to protect her but trying to get away with it if you can. Tell her the truth

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone. Too be honest, I've been wanting to talk to her about this since it happened. Family had suggested that I keep it to myself b/c it would only hurt my now ex. Every time I've talked to her since the breakup it has seemed as if she doesn't know about the other girl and broke up with me b/c of lost feelings, so that is where I question if she knows.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am very surprised that everyone suggests that I tell her. It would have been right to tell her during the relationship, but now I feel like I would only be trying to help myself. What would she get out of it if she doesn't already know.

 

Should I try to get her to meet in person to tell her about this? If this is the case, then it may be over a month before it would be possible, since we love accross the country from each other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the relationship is over for good then don't tell her. Only tell her if you are planning on asking to reconcile. If you have no intentions of ever getting back together with her then don't contact her and don't tell her. We are only telling you to tell her if you are planning on doing something to try to reconcile with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am very surprised that everyone suggests that I tell her. It would have been right to tell her during the relationship, but now I feel like I would only be trying to help myself. What would she get out of it if she doesn't already know.

 

What would she get? The truth.

 

Look at it like this. You think she broke up with you for 1 of 2 reasons.

1. she found out about the girl and all of that.

So... if u tell her the truth, she will know that u want her to know. She will know that u do really care for her because u risk everything by telling her this. You risk never having a chance with her again, u risk even a friendship with her, but u felt she should know, and that u know you were wrong and u wont let it happen again.

 

2. u were very distant and she didnt like it, felt it was not right, etc.

So...if u tell her the truth, she will know why u were that way, she will know that she can trust u, and yes it will hurt her.

However, if she did not know this, and u told her anyways, she would know there is at least some level of trust there.

 

honestly, u said u love her, so why would u not want her to know?

If she loves you, she will forgive and work through it.

Would u not want to know about this if she had done it to you? ya it would hurt you, but at least u would know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My question then is should I tell her through email, phone, or in person. Keep in mind that she lives accross the country and it would be a month before I could visit her to do it in person. Email would let me choose my words wisely and she won't have to respond to what I have to say. I feel like the longer I wait to tell her, the more damage that will be done when I do tell her or the less she'll even care. It's been about 2 months since the breakup.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've heard this suggestion:

I'd recommend against it because while you did emotionally cheat on her, it's water under the bridge. You are not really in good terms with her and it will sound like a very desperate attempt at getting her to talk to you. You said she probably knows, so what's the point? At best she'll just scoff at a stupid attempt at getting her to talk with you. At worst she'll think you're trying to hurt her deliberately.

 

I'm still a little torn on what to do. It is something I should have brought up while we were dating obviously, but now I'm not sure if the timing is right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey longdist. I was the one that gave the suggestion above... Well, my question to you is... is this "cheating" real or is it just something you did during the break-up and that you are now using as a lame excuse to contact her? In these situations the mind plays tricks on you... I had my share of "I need to tell her this" phases and I am glad I just kept quiet. The reason why I am asking is that you didn't mention this in your original story...

 

I mean, when my ex asked for a break, (we were going to break up but didn't want to do over the phone, so we wanted to give it a chance until our next meeting, 3 weeks later) I was feeling so low that I went to a party. I manage to almost make out with a girl, almost being an important word here. Was that emotional cheating? Yes. Do I think that is important enough to ask forgiveness now, 4 months later? Not really. I didn't really do anything. If I brought that up, it would be just to bring her attention.

 

I think that by sending that e-mail you're just pushing hard to make her rethink about your relationship. The worst part of it. You are obviously trying to get a second chance without even knowing how she feels about it. I don't think this "emotional cheating" is something that needs to be brought ever, I think the failure here was that you guys got distant. And you two know you got distant.

 

But if you really think this cheating was the cause for you distancing from her, that you need to tell her this, then send an e-mail in the format I suggested before. Do it as a polite-but-dry apology letter. Right now, you do not want to let her know you are desperately in love. That will push her away even more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah, sorry I wasn't sure how to quote from a different thread. The "cheating" is real. We dated for another 7 months after I did what I did. The problem in my case is I did enough that really would be considered emotional cheating. I lead the other girl on for awhile (she knew that I had a girlfriend though). I also flew up to break things off in person because I felt like the girl deserved that after I had been leading her on. I strongly regret doing any of this, but what's done is done. I'm not sure if I'd tell my ex about the flying part. I felt like our relationship was turning sour, but that didn't give me any right to do what I did.

 

By telling her, I would be trying to make her rethink the relationship, yes. She probably would focus on the worst part. My story is fairly complicated, but I was in a LDR with my ex like I said, and so during the summer I was able to live with her. I distanced her a lot during the summer because of my guilt. We grow distant whenever I live away from her, but when I am able to move close, we become close again. This time the opposite happened because of what I had done. Looking back, it almost seemed like I was trying to get her to break up with me, self sabatoge I guess.

 

I feel like if she knows that being upfront as soon as possible is the best thing to do, especially b/c I would at least like to remain friends w/ her, which I can't with the guilt I have. On the other hand if she doesn't know, I don't know that she will appreciate having an "honest guy" in her life. I really am torn on what to do. I would do anything to win her back and at the same time, I want her to be happy.

 

Here is another suggestion I've received:

"When you visit her city in April, I would invite her to lunch/dinner and tell her there in person only if the timing seems right. If you have both completely moved on, then I would consider not saying anything to her just because that will give her a level of distrust in future relationships, and would just damage her (this is only in my opinion). If you guys start talking about your relationship at that point (and I would certainly let her bring that up, not you), then it would be appropriate to go into more details. An email out of the blue could be damaging."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to remember (and understand) this:

 

She broke up for a reason. You don't know yet if it was a good reason. She doesn't know if it was a good reason. Maybe she doesn't even know what that reason is, she just felt it wasn't right. You need to give her a chance to figure that out by herself. I don't think there's much you can do to help her right now. She doesn't want your help. She knows you love her. She knows where to find you.

 

Trust me, she won't forget you that fast. She may behave like she forgot, but we don't forget these things. A different issue is whether she misses you. Right now, she doesn't. She's probably feeling relieved by the fact that you aren't there anymore and she can do whatever she wants. She will only miss you when (and if) she realizes you were a great guy. And that's what you need to be. A great guy.

 

So that's why I think that, for now, you need to "forget" her. You will never forget. Neither will she. But you need to carry on with your life. She won't go back to a man that stopped living because she broke up with him. This is not a demonstration of love, it's just sad. Would you go back to a woman that desperately needs you? Learn from your mistakes, get over the relationship, and make a long term plan for reconnecting - something like 6 months. And do NC until then. She might be with someone else. True. But you too (You know you won't but she doesn't).

 

When she broke up with you, an imbalance occurred and you were in a really low position in comparison to hers. You need to get back to a point where you can see eye-to-eye with her again. You don't want to beg for her to get back. You want to get her to a point where you don't need her. You just want her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah, sorry I wasn't sure how to quote from a different thread. The "cheating" is real. We dated for another 7 months after I did what I did. The problem in my case is I did enough that really would be considered emotional cheating. I lead the other girl on for awhile (she knew that I had a girlfriend though). I also flew up to break things off in person because I felt like the girl deserved that after I had been leading her on. I strongly regret doing any of this, but what's done is done. I'm not sure if I'd tell my ex about the flying part. I felt like our relationship was turning sour, but that didn't give me any right to do what I did.

 

 

If you are telling something, you need to tell everything. And I think you might want to tell her this whole thing. But you will hurt her. And push her away further. There is a slight chance she'll forgive for that, which doesn't mean she'll fall in love with you again. But if you guys ever are going to have a relationship again, a good one, she must know.

 

By telling her, I would be trying to make her rethink the relationship, yes. She probably would focus on the worst part. My story is fairly complicated, but I was in a LDR with my ex like I said, and so during the summer I was able to live with her. I distanced her a lot during the summer because of my guilt. We grow distant whenever I live away from her, but when I am able to move close, we become close again. This time the opposite happened because of what I had done. Looking back, it almost seemed like I was trying to get her to break up with me, self sabatoge I guess.

 

I feel like if she knows that being upfront as soon as possible is the best thing to do, especially b/c I would at least like to remain friends w/ her, which I can't with the guilt I have. On the other hand if she doesn't know, I don't know that she will appreciate having an "honest guy" in her life. I really am torn on what to do. I would do anything to win her back and at the same time, I want her to be happy.

 

Just tell her. What is there for you to loose? If she knows, you lose the friend. If she doesn't you also lose the friend. But are you sure you want to be her friend? I thought I did. Until I tried. And it sucked. Big time. Too much baggage for me to just pretend I don't care about the unemotional way she spoke. I was developing a love/hate relationship with her (loved the fact she wanted to talk to me but hating the fact that her conversations were shallow). It was just damaging what we had before. I had to give up.

 

Here is another suggestion I've received:

"When you visit her city in April, I would invite her to lunch/dinner and tell her there in person only if the timing seems right. If you have both completely moved on, then I would consider not saying anything to her just because that will give her a level of distrust in future relationships, and would just damage her (this is only in my opinion). If you guys start talking about your relationship at that point (and I would certainly let her bring that up, not you), then it would be appropriate to go into more details. An email out of the blue could be damaging."

 

That's a good suggestion. But are you going to her city just to see her, or do you have any other good reason?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, I really appreciate everyone's advice on this. I will be visiting her city for a conference (I'm finishing up grad school). I was going to use it as a springboard to try to reconnect and test the waters. I was thinking about telling her about the "cheating" before this so that the cards are on the table by that point.

 

She will only miss you when (and if) she realizes you were a great guy. And that's what you need to be. A great guy.

I'm not sure how to allow her to realize this, since I live far away and have been doign NC. I wasn't a great guy in the most recent part of our relationship. I have been on a mission to change this and want my actions to speak louder than my words, but I'm not really sure how to let her see my actions/changes. I guess one possibility is to use my trip to update her on what I've been doing.

 

I'm also a little bit worried that she may think I'm being spiteful instead of respectful by doing this NC business. It has been helping me to heal though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, I really appreciate everyone's advice on this. I will be visiting her city for a conference (I'm finishing up grad school). I was going to use it as a springboard to try to reconnect and test the waters. I was thinking about telling her about the "cheating" before this so that the cards are on the table by that point.

 

I don't know then. I'd send the e-mail now (because it was cheating), keep the NC unless she wants to talk about it... and then try to talk with her when you're about to go to her city, invite for a coffee. But don't force anything, let her come to you, OK? If she doesn't, then... well it sucks, but maybe she isn't really into you anymore. You need to understand that's a possibility. She might have moved on.

 

I'm not sure how to allow her to realize this, since I live far away and have been doign NC. I wasn't a great guy in the most recent part of our relationship. I have been on a mission to change this and want my actions to speak louder than my words, but I'm not really sure how to let her see my actions/changes. I guess one possibility is to use my trip to update her on what I've been doing.

 

The part that sucks on LDR is that... well she can't really see what you've been up to. But if you try to forcefeed her with updates, it won't really help. Your only chance is to make her curious. And if you don't talk to her, then she might want to know what you are up to. But the trip is an excellent excuse to catch up with her. Again, let her come for you, just invite for a coffee or something.

 

I'm also a little bit worried that she may think I'm being spiteful instead of respectful by doing this NC business. It has been helping me to heal though.

 

Can you tell a little bit more about how you got into the NC? In any case, I wouldn't give much importance to what she thinks about this right now. She might think you're being spiteful, but in time this will look like a minor detail. You are hurt and confused. It's a hiccup. Hey, she _broke up_ with you remember? Compared to that, a couple of months doing NC is nothing. So unless you had a heated exchange in the last conversation before NC, I wouldn't care.

 

I was actually quite rude the last time I spoke with her (something like "why the hell do you want to talk to me and yet don't want to get back?"). So I sent an e-mail after apologizing for being rude, but explaining that I neede to keep NC. I did so many mistakes after breaking up that I have no hope she's coming back at all. The only reason why I think she might come back is that... well, we were an excellent couple until the break up, hehe. Don't do those. Keep your cool. As I read in another forum, you can't do nothing wrong if you do nothing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok what littlelost said is not wrong, at all. However from what i was understanding you would like to get back with this woman, or something along those lines (perhaps just be able to talk again, perhaps friendship, whatever).

 

If you want any of the above i would feel it necessary to tell her the awful truth. And again i wont lie, it will hurt her, and she may not be able to see past it and give u any kind of a 2nd chance.

 

You mention your doing NC. Does that mean she has tried contacting you, or you have not tried to contact her? The reason i ask is because it is not doing you any good to go NC, and then turn around and break it by trying to explain things, and trying to get back with her. You have to chose a path. NC to get over her or try and get back with her. A mixture is not going to get the outcome u want.

 

Have u asked her maybe before the NC why she broke up? If she refuses to talk to you, refuses to have anything to do with you except when u randomly show up on her doorstep, and she has moved on, then there is no reason to tell her this.

 

No matter what the circumstances are, if u tell her this, its going to hurt. I think honesty is the key here. You want her to know because it was wrong, not because your wanting to hurt her, wanting to add to her hurt, wanting to be disrespectful.

 

"I'm also a little bit worried that she may think I'm being spiteful instead of respectful by doing this NC business. It has been helping me to heal though." Do u think if she read that, that she could really believe otherwise? That u were doing it just to hurt her? Like i said it will hurt her, but if she realizes your doing all these things to better yourself, admit your wrong, etc. it might not hurt so bad, it might make her be able to see you as a friend down the road.

 

I dont know how long its been since the break up. Some people get over their ex in like 2 months, others it takes like 4 months. By this point, for all you know because of NC, she could be moved on and very happy and will not want or need the truth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm going to update my explanation of things at the beginning of the thread to include the whole story.

 

Your only chance is to make her curious. And if you don't talk to her, then she might want to know what you are up to. But the trip is an excellent excuse to catch up with her. Again, let her come for you, just invite for a coffee or something.

 

Can you tell a little bit more about how you got into the NC? In any case, I wouldn't give much importance to what she thinks about this right now.

 

I went to NC to try to get her curious. She has yet to contact me without me contacting her first, which is also the reason I went NC. Every time we spoke we have been on very good terms. Our last conversation included my logical reasoning of why we should get back together. Then I said we have 3 options, 1. get back together 2. try to stay friends 3. end things for now. She said she can't do 1 right now. She was worried that a tone of voice from either of us could start a fight (keep in mind her and I have never had a serious fight, maybe they were more serious to her than I thought). She said she was worried about 2. because we would be in the friendship for different reasons. She did not comment on 3.

 

Her main reason for breaking up was that she had put up too many walls in the relationship and didn't have the spark to bring them back down. She had a lot of cliches as well, such as I'm not sure if I'm in love with you, or I don't know if we are compatible, that we have grown apart, she felt emotionally drained, and she has a hard time seeing us overcoming our past. Anyhow, like I said, we had fights, but never about anything serious, so I don't really see our past is a big issue other than our complacency in the relationship and the cheating I did that is described earlier.

 

I dont know how long its been since the break up. Some people get over their ex in like 2 months, others it takes like 4 months. By this point, for all you know because of NC, she could be moved on and very happy and will not want or need the truth.

It's been 2 months since the breakup, and 3 weeks of NC.

 

 

You mention your doing NC. Does that mean she has tried contacting you, or you have not tried to contact her? The reason i ask is because it is not doing you any good to go NC, and then turn around and break it by trying to explain things, and trying to get back with her. You have to chose a path. NC to get over her or try and get back with her. A mixture is not going to get the outcome u want.

She has not tried contacting me. I was doing NC to make her curious and to heal. I'm not attempting to initially get back with her by telling her about the cheating. I'm sure it would take months to even forgive me, if ever. So I would likely be right back on NC until April. The outcome I want out of all of this is to get back together, which is a selfish outcome, which makes me worry that I would be sending the letter for a poor reason. I also want to be honest with her and if I am to have any sort of relationship with her in the future, I think I need to tell her about the cheating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...