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He's spending all our money and wont get a job!


Belinda

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My husband lost his job a day before we got married (he was fired), now he doesn't even try to find work (outside putting 4 jobs down a fortnight for his welfare/dole form), while I'm working my butt off to support him.

 

It is very hard, he doesn't help around the house - he just messes everything up when I'm at work, I get home and have to cook his dinner, then I have to clean up or it won't get done.

On top of this he doesn't help in the mornings with anything and sleeps in bed until I have to leave for work.

Thankfully he *does* help by driving me to work, but that's all he does.

 

He's so picky with his food that he'll ignore our $20 a week budget for food (which is nothing really) and go and buy chocolate bars, Coke and take away with our rent money.

 

Yesterday I found out that his credit card (he got it when he had a job and it has a $4,500 limit) was COMPLETELY maxed out, even though I'd been living on bread and water to pay $150 off it a week.

 

When I asked what happened he said he didn't know, then I eventually found out he'd been buying junk food meals and itunes CD's while I was at work, and hiding the evidence.

I only found out because the card was declined at a crucial moment.

 

What do I do with him?! I don't know what hurts me more, him lying to me and hiding things from me, or him not having any motivation at all!

He tells EVERYONE how hard he's trying to get a job, but he's doing nothing! I'll email him jobs, I'll tell him places to get work, I even got him his last two jobs by asking my co-workers for references!

 

Is there any hope that he'll change? How can I make him see I can't do this on my own?

I've been having constant nightmares and panick attacks, I don't know how long I can keep this up!

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Tell him to grow up, shape up and find a job soon. If he is genuinly trying to find one but can't, fair enough. If he doesnt bother then move out...to friends and your paretns until he sorts himself out. Cut up that credit card now! Tell him he has to stick to your budget, no going over it and that he has to live within it. Explain to him how he is making you feel, if he loves you, cares for oyu and respects you he'd be in tears himself, feel ashamed and change.

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Tell him to grow up, shape up and find a job soon. If he is genuinly trying to find one but can't, fair enough. If he doesnt bother then move out...to friends and your paretns until he sorts himself out. Cut up that credit card now! Tell him he has to stick to your budget, no going over it and that he has to live within it. Explain to him how he is making you feel, if he loves you, cares for oyu and respects you he'd be in tears himself, feel ashamed and change.

 

I agree. I also wonder if your work has some kind of employee assistance program which can get him in to see a counsellor. It sounds like he could be depressed about losing his job and has kind of given up. He needs to shape up..but perhaps if he spoke to someone in might help him unload his feelings and get himself back on track.

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$20 a week food budget ? That is crazy, what are you supposed to eat ? Men need much more food than women. I've known girls who spent that much but they were tiny, like 50 kilos and they worked at a pub where they had many aquare meals provided.

 

Finding a job can be difficult if you are male and not very tough physically. Not like women who can walk into easy, enjoyable, and moderately well paying jobs. For men it is a choice of laboring, transportation or occasionally we can work in sales or become sales reps the worst bit is that those jobs pay very low. Like $17 an hour.. Once you get big enough and ugly enough that is all you can really do..

 

So now might be a more difficult time for him than you realise.

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Console him. It's hard getting a job now a days. But marriage is an adult situation. SO he needs to start to act like one. Get a job.

 

My dad lost his job and didn't tell my mom for over a week. When she found out she told him that he didn't have to get a job but he needed to pick up on the cleaning/cooking or he would be out.

 

He chose to leave.

 

Let him know you're serious.

 

Let him know how the situation is making you feel.

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I'm going to save you a lot of trouble here. I was married to someone who behaved in exactly the same way, and I wasted 8 years waiting for him to grow up, and he didn't.

 

Are you really sure that he 'lost' his job as opposed to behaved badly and got fired, or quit and pretended he lost it? The timing of that loss is very interesting. Perhaps since he was marrying you and you had an income, he decided working was boring and you'd 'handle' the finances and he could take it easy.

 

My ex would only look for work when i told him i was fed up with him doing nothing. he'd not look for work until the unemployment was exhausted and i threatened to 'cut off' things like his cable TV because he was refusing to see we were going down the drain financially. He was happy as long as he had cable TV to watch sports, and would spend his days doing that, jogging, and going to movies (like yours spending money on 'entertainment' like junk food and downloads).

 

I dragged him to counseling and the counselor basically told me he had 'arrested development' where he really didn't want to be an adult, just have a roof over his head and someone else picking up the tab, like he was the kid and i was the parent. i did NOT want to be in the parent role but his refusal to accept adult responsbilities like a job forced me into it. After i'd been thru several cycles where he found a million ways to avoid working, including playing the 'i'm depressed' card (which he wasn't, he was only depressed when he HAD to work).

 

So don't waste your young life on this. If you have insurance, immediately insist you go to a marriage counselor to deal with his lack of initiative in looking for work and spending and acting as if he were a teenager and you were his parent responsible for all adult concerns. That is a terrible dynamic and not fair to push you into.

 

If he won't attend counseling, then tell him that you are not his mother and he has to start showing he wants to be a husband and not a teenager, and if he won't then you'll have to assume that the marriage was a mistake because you don't intend to support someone who sits around spending money and not even looking for work. Give him plenty of notice, as in, he has until his unemployment runs out to get his act together, but if he's not showing he's serious about finding work by then, you're out.

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$20 a week food budget ? That is crazy, what are you supposed to eat ? Men need much more food than women. I've known girls who spent that much but they were tiny, like 50 kilos and they worked at a pub where they had many aquare meals provided.

 

Finding a job can be difficult if you are male and not very tough physically. Not like women who can walk into easy, enjoyable, and moderately well paying jobs. For men it is a choice of laboring, transportation or occasionally we can work in sales or become sales reps the worst bit is that those jobs pay very low. Like $17 an hour.. Once you get big enough and ugly enough that is all you can really do..

 

So now might be a more difficult time for him than you realise.

 

Well, the real needs depend on more than gender- a woman who works her butt off and exercises a lot needs more than a man who spends his days sitting. But it's besides the point- the point is that him 'needing' more doesn't excuse the way he gets food. If you buy simple bread and peanut butter in the supermarket, you can take a lot of slices with you to work and drink milk or whatever at home instead of overpriced and UNHEALTHY coke at work.

 

And the REAL issue is that you two are not communicating about your tight finances- you need a plan (hopefully one that pays off the credit card and provides for enough healthy food), and both of you need to stick to the budget for the plan to work.

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(his butt)>

 

Make these two things meet.

 

 

He may be derpessed and upset and feeling little self worth as a man who is not providing for his family. Confront him on this.

 

Having said that I can totally understand how frustrating it is for you and how hurtful this is. You are putting in all the effort and he is showing no support. How can you rely on someone like this? How can you rely on him to provide for you and your children?

 

I think you have a final talk with him. Bring up the issue of him feelign worthless and lay your cards on the table. I do think however you will have to give him the pink slip.

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This is just my opinion- but here's what I think

 

 

First thing, since you are paying everything yourself, you get to decide what financial decisions are made.

Take that credit card and cut it up. Make sure he doesn't have any access to money. He can only get what you give him.

It may sound childish, but if that's how he's going to act, then that's how he deserves to be treated. And if he doesn't like it, then maybe it will give him motivation to look harder for a job.

 

I understand that the economy is bad right now. But that is not an excuse for him not to contribute. If he can't do it financially, he can sure do it in other ways. He can take care of your house when you're at work. There's absolutely NO reason he cannot do this at the VERY least.

He needs to show some responsability. He's a grown man, not a helpless baby. Even if he can't find a proper job, he can go out every day and talk to neighbors to see if he can do anything for them (Repair a broken item, mow a law (or shovel snow), babysit, Run errands for them, maybe ?)

He can ask around communites. Do you belong to a church ? It's a great place to network and ask around for opportunities.

Bottom line- He needs to do something and stop placing all the adult responsabilities onto you.

 

Onto the next thing, why is he hiding things from you ? You're trying to sacrifice and he's going to break your trust. This is unacceptable.

Cutting off his finances is one thing. But his lying is utterly ridiculous. And extremely childish.

You need to have a talk about this. Don't get angry but be firm that while you understand it's difficult to live without nice meals, it is what the two of you have to endure until your financial situation improves.

If food is that important to him, then maybe you can make a list if other things that you don't need - Maybe cable tv ? Internet access ? Anything you don't have to have.

But I'm sorry to say he needs to be a man and suck it up. You have to live with what you can afford. If you can't afford it, you can't have it. Period.

If he's desperate for better food, then he needs to be more creative about what he can do to afford it. But no more sneaking behind your back.

 

I've been down and out before, I know how hard it is.

I was out of work for almost two years- But I sure as heck went out EVERY single day, knocking on neighbors doors asking if they had odd jobs, searched want ads, asked friends, family, anyone I could. Eventually I got a permanent job through a friend. (Oh yeah, I cleaned up my place every day too)

You can either do something every day to help improve the situation or not. If you choose not to, then you have no one to blame but yourself. If he wants better food, then it's time he worked for it.

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I've been there too, op. It never got better. My ex either was working and spending ALL of the money, or he wasn't working and was lying about it. Either way, I lost three apartments, went hungry, and spent a few years in fear of the collection agencies, and just trying to survive. All because I trusted him to take the rent money to the apt. managers, and pay the bills. At one place, our electricity was shut off one day, and we found out that he had actually spent the money that our roomie gave him to pay the bill. I worked very hard, and I was also the only one doing the housework and cooking, etc... Whenever he had any money, he immediately wanted more "stuff" like satellite tv. It was just a nightmare and he never grew up, never changed. He spent about 6 months unemployed at the end of our relationship, and I later found out from the store he had worked at, that he had been fired for stealing, not laid off as he had told me.

 

Your guy could easily go out and pick up a job at a local fast food place to get some money rolling in. Sometimes you can't be picky. I do hope that things get better for you, but I also hope that you'll have the sense to kick him out if he doesn't at least try to get a job/help out around the house. If he is the one staying home, he should be the one to be doing the housework while you're at work.

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I agree with all their comments, it's time for him to grow up and find a job! I feel sorry for you doing all these house work and the only bread winner.. while he, just sitting around spending all your money for nothing.

 

You have to confront him about everything.. or he will never realize that he's been so dependent on you all this time. And for you to handle this better, couples counseling may help you.

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I still remember the reason my ex-husband gave for not doing any housework while unemployed was that he didn't want me to start thinking he was a 'househusband' (i.e., violated his manly ideal of himself staying home and taking care of 'womenly jobs').

 

But apparently his need to be manly didn't extend to supporting himself or his wife, only prevented him from doing any housework, cooking, or cleaning or other un-fun things...

 

:splat:

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Well, the real needs depend on more than gender- a woman who works her butt off and exercises a lot needs more than a man who spends his days sitting. But it's besides the point- the point is that him 'needing' more doesn't excuse the way he gets food. If you buy simple bread and peanut butter in the supermarket, you can take a lot of slices with you to work and drink milk or whatever at home instead of overpriced and UNHEALTHY coke at work.

 

And the REAL issue is that you two are not communicating about your tight finances- you need a plan (hopefully one that pays off the credit card and provides for enough healthy food), and both of you need to stick to the budget for the plan to work.

 

Women don;t each much adn they don't often do physical work so their eating patterns will be lower anyway. The fact is that she is supporting him at this point and she has no right to mandate $20 a week on food or tell him not to eat junkfood ! She might be happy and fine and dandy with that but he is not. He wants junk food and more than $20 a week on food.

 

Twenty bucks, twenty Australian dollars a week on food is a joke. To give you an example. I just paid $4 for milk $3.90 for bread. That's half the budget GONE.

 

Food is essential and important. The fact he is hiding food tells me there are problems in the relationship with trust and discussion. He is down now so what ? She should just leave him ?

 

For me to eat modestly and have a balanced diet is $100 a week if I want to eat everything I want and eat well it is more like $200 including eating out. Considering the lowest sort of wage you can get here is $17-$20 per HOUR. And the dole pays something like $260 a week.

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"Women don;t each much adn they don't often do physical work so their eating patterns will be lower anyway. The fact is that she is supporting him at this point and she has no right to mandate $20 a week on food or tell him not to eat junkfood ! She might be happy and fine and dandy with that but he is not. He wants junk food and more than $20 a week on food."

 

What a load of crap this is!! Plenty of women eat as much or more than a man , it has to do with metabolism and such and she does EVERYTHING like she said (house work is physical to an extent, and it's not like HE is out chopping wood or building a house at the moment, what she said is, he does nothing, won't do housework or look for a job.

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I eat more than a lot of men out there, and yes I'm female =P

This doesn't mean that 20$ a week is a reasonable amount for a couple to live by.

Between me, my bf and my baby; we need a good 100$ a week on food to get by healthfully.

If you spent a bit more on groceries, and prepared some cheap casseroles ex n Cheese, lasagnas etc.. he might be more inclined to heat those up than take some fast food. Especially if you cut away access to all his cards and don't give him any money.

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I would file for divorce.

Many people here would say it's him being depressed but hey, who cares...do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a person who's going to react on every single difficult situation in such manner?

A life partner who is unable to get his act together to work at any kind of a job to make it easier for both of you is not much of an asset.

Imagine having kids with him. EVERYTHING would fall on your back.

For guys it is easier to find a job - he can always choose to do some manual work like a construction worker or something.

But hey, he decided to do nothing about it.

That's cool and he can do it because you are supporting him.

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Thank you for the advice.

 

I have talked with him about it many times -- Also about the food money - I don't have a choice! The minimun credit card repayments on his card leave us with NO money for food!!

I bake all our food, and cakes and slices to save money, he has MORE than enough to eat and the pantry is always full of goodies, so that has NOTHING to do with it.

 

Also, we've only been married a couple of months - I feel like I may have made a terrible mistake. He is treating me badly in other things too now, like getting off to other people and calling me a beached whale during sex.

 

I feel completely alone and unloved, today I thought about killing myself as a viable option.

 

 

We found a job at a place he used to work at last week and i forced him to call them up to talk about it, they pretty much said he had the job in the bag and to send his resume over. Did he? No. He kept saying hed write a nice cover letter, but NEVER did it. He pretty much let the job go!!!

 

I'm thinking about moving out, I dont want to leave him... but I just cant handle the financial and emotional sacrifice... I feel dead inside. He's immature in every way, and while I can see he's trying to cheer me up he just doesnt GET that getting a job or not splurging all our cash would make me VERY happy.

 

And I've never believed in divorce, so I need another solution.... I need to find a way to show him how important this is?

 

Is that asking too much? Do people like this never grow up?

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You don't need to show him he's important if he's laying around the house sponging off you while being handed jobs and refusing to take them! He doesn't seem lacking in self esteem, he seems lacking in character!

 

You may have just really and truly now discovered his character. If he's doing things like calling you a beached whale that is abusive and absolutely unacceptable. So he's sponging off you AND abusing you?

 

I suspect he doesn't want a job which is why he doesn't take one. He expects you to take care of him now. He's at home eating junk food, having an easy life.

 

I think you know the answer to this one. It is time to pack your bags and recognize you can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. He's abusive and lazy and a freeloader and he will NOT grow a new character. Character is set in a person very early in life, and if he is abusive emotionally and lazy like this, he won't change.

 

Cut your losses. Move out and let him take care of himself. He's not a child and you're not his mother.

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