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what have I become...


Tetsuo_Shima

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Well this is a long story.

When I was young my father used to abuse me. I've been picked up by the neck and thrown down the steps in to a dark concrete basement with no lights and locked there for 4 hours because i took a cookie before dinner.

 

I remember several times hiding under my bed when he'd come home drunk but he'd always find me and he'd always draw blood. I was grounded once for a whole year because i wrote on the drive way with chalk and it detracted from the view of his car. Around 1997 was the last time I heard from my father when I had moved to Canada to get away from him. He tried to sweet talk me into coming to live with him with promises of video games and toys. I didn't buy into it, and the last thing my father ever said to me was " The only reason you were born was so i could leave your mother and collect child support and buy a red mustang. I hung up the phone and haven't seen him since, but the damage had been set in.

 

Around 2001 I stumbled upon something that was horrible. I discovered something called lolicon. Lolicon is Japanese animated cartoon pornography of underage individuals. Animated child porn. At first I stumbled upon this in an innocent manor. I have never once to this day had any desire of children. I am not a pedophile. I had stumbled upon lolicon while looking for a walk through on a Japanese card captor sakura game for the game boy color.

 

I was horrified by the images that popped up when i clicked the link that first showed up on Google.

 

It showed the little girls from that game in sexual situations and i was immediately reminded of how dad used to beat me. It made me feel exactly the same way. I closed the browser immediately but with in an hour i had to look again...I just couldn't believe it. I thought to myself, these characters aren't real people. there aren't any victims. I wanted to know and understand how someone could get pleasure from hurting people like this. I began collecting various forms of lolicon reading through the stories trying to understand why my father could hurt his own flesh and blood this way. By reading these things i could put my self inside the mindset of him and not repeat his mistakes and not hurt anyone. But I was horribly wrong.

 

Once again I must state that I have never once had any desire nor have i ever even thought of harming a child. I find pedophilia utterly disgusting.

 

But nevertheless I collected this stuff up until about a month and a half ago. The pain from my memories of my father and now the guilt of owning such trash was beginning to take its toll. I've become suicidal having attempted twice. I suffer from sever anxiety attacks, I'm very insecure and I suffer from painful nightmares that remind me of my painful youth.

 

I came out to my now ex girlfriend roughly a month and a half ago after my second attempt at suicide via jumping in front of a van. it swerved around me. I decided it was time i got some help. I scheduled a therapy appointment. A few weeks later I came out to my now ex gf and she beat the hell outta me. She broke her hand over my head. I feel guilty for her hand injury...She looked really disgusted in me. I was hoping she help me through this tough time seeing as I was crying out for help. But...tough she did try to stick it out in a few weeks time she left me.

 

I don't blame her I mean this is a huge thing to deal with. This is all so very hard on me. I wanted to become a better stronger person for her. I wanted to kick the habit quietly so she wouldn't have to be hurt by it. I felt so ashamed.

 

I'm now on my third therapy session. I've began hitting the school books heavily to catch up on my high school which i neglected for so many years. I really let my life fall down the tubes. I'm almost 24 years old. No GED, no license, no car, still living with my mother. By all definitions a total loser...

 

But I wanted to be better for her. Ive really hit the books and I'm taking home school now to get my high school diploma. I've purchased the MTO handbook to get started on my G1 for driving, and therapy is going very well, I'm coming to terms with my past with my father and I've been lolicon free for a month and a half. I destroyed every last trace of what i had collected over the years. I ripped every comic to shreds destroyed every disc and deleted every last file. I'm determined to be rid of that filth and put an end to the cycle of suffering my father caused and continued through me.

 

But...I'm still depressed. Despite the wonderful fact im healing and bettering myself...she hates me, she's terrified of me...I'm scared to go near her as i don't want to make her uncomfortable. I really loved her but i don't want to be the creepy physco stalker ex-boyfriend.

 

I've kept up no contact as much as I can for the last 2 and a half weeks since we broke up. I've come out to my friends about my problem as i felt it was part of the healing process and they deserved to know the truth.

I miss her so much and this earlier on every thought or time i come accross something about her send me into tears...I just don't know what to do anymore...I'm desperately trying to get my life back together but everything just feels so empty now...

 

Even when I'm all stable, have my diploma, my license and my own place, when all this is said and done.. She will still hate me... and I'll still be alone.. just as I always have been...sigh. We really do reap what we sew...

 

 

I feel really low, anxious and sad. Very empty, lost and hopeless. Ashamed. I saw a picture of her today a friend had taken and i broke down in to tears for nearly an hour...I gave up and lost so much of my life to that question "why did he do this to me" and now I've lost the one I love to find that answer... it really wasn't worth it...it really was not worth all this...

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Oh god, you don't deserve all this pain. You were just a child and you were emotionally scarred. I will respond later after I think of this more...and give a good response...but you're not alone. You're not the worse person in the world and you're not a loser. You can do better for yourself. And you don't need to do it for anyone but you. Yes you miss her. But she won't be the last girl. You'll meet someone, even if it isnt her, that will fill that emotional void you have. . .*hugs* I'm sorry.

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I guess... I'm not sure what I'm looking for now, I'm just so lost. Trying to find a way to fix things, set things right..but i doubt she'll ever talk to me again. I really wish things didn't end up this way. I can't help but think what if i never saw that page back in 2001... would any of this have happened?

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I gave up and lost so much of my life to that question "why did he do this to me" and now I've lost the one I love to find that answer... it really wasn't worth it...it really was not worth all this...

 

YES IT WAS, AND IS, WORTH IT. For so many reasons, losing her over this was worth it, so let me start ot count the ways:

 

1. You had to heal a wound that was and still is very deep, that would not just have gone away by itself but would have continued to fester all your life; but you are dealing with this NOW, at 23, which means that you will be freer sooner so that you can not have this shadow chasing you and haunting you even longer. You had to do this for YOU -- to heal for yourself, for your life, and regardless of who is or isn't in your life, to not tend to that need would be to live a kind of falseness in exchange for affection. You need truth and sanity, and to no longer be ashamed of your demons and carry them with you into your relationships and the rest of your life, which they would contaminate. So you have chosen to decontaminate your life as your first priority -- THAT IS THE RIGHT PRIORITY! Because you owe it to yourself not to ever want to take your life again. You can't have a gf if you're dead.

 

2. You can't be making good decisions or relating well to others if you feel so horrible inside. So doing this makes you a more capable person overall, and that translates to all your relationships, including love relationships.

 

3. You found out what kind of girl you were with. I know, I know -- you miss her and right now you still don't feel good enough about yourself to fully take this in, but please try: anyone who has the courage to deal with such terrible life events and trusts their partner to listen and stay, and support them deserves to have that kind of person. And she wasn't that kind of person! It's her loss, you know? Because it's not your fault any of that happened to you, nor does it make you depraved that you found something in that paraphenalia that was an attempt to exorcise those demons. You found out that she is a fair-weather person, who couldn't take the heat in the kitchen. What kind of love is that? You know what I say? Good riddance! I don't want to have someone who will recoil in horror, instead of reach forward with a hug, saying, "I'm here, if you want to talk more about it". You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

 

You have only to be very, very proud of yourself for having the guts to face all of this frightful stuff. It's driven you to the edge of life and death, and now you want life and something better, even though someone almost destroyed you. How courageous and noble is that! A woman should be proud to be with a man who has such grit. She showed her colors, and so she freed you to a future not just of more emotional stability, but the chance to find someone else you can come out to who will treat you with respect.

 

As for the materials you are so ashamed of collecting, keep reminding yourself that it was because you were trying to understand in any way possible the nature of what happened to you, even if it was horrible to behold. I think that's perfectly understandable, and normal. It doesn't mean you're a perv. And I'm sure your therapist is bringing this point home.

 

Stay the course, stay with the therapy. Stuff that major will take a lot of patience and time, maybe a few years in therapy. But on the other side is a life you'll be able to embrace and freedom.

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You don't know...what if some other kind of something developed? You had never dealt with the emotions...so you don't know how it would have played out...but i dont think it would have been good. You probably wouldnt have realized you needed therapy until you messed something up somewhere along the line.

 

 

^ wow, poster above me, amazing...you said what I couldn't put into words but felt as I was reading it. Perfect, I agree with her 100%. You're at a young age so dealing with these demons now, and realizing your girlfriend wasn't the kind of person who could appreciate how strong you are, will allow you to develop into a better person, and find someone who appreciates who you are and what you've been through

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It's kinda weird that I managed to stay away from drinking or drug use through all this. Though I honestly wonder why one of those didn't become my vice rather than what did.

 

I can't say my ex is a bad person. She had her reasons not to trust me. she to was a victim of a tragic past.

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I really wish things didn't end up this way. I can't help but think what if i never saw that page back in 2001... would any of this have happened?

 

Maybe that was your big break. You lost a girl, but you've gained a life, a future, because that led you down a path of self-discovery.

 

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." - James Thurber

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Maybe that was your big break. You lost a girl, but you've gained a life, a future, because that led you down a path of self-discovery.

 

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." - James Thurber

 

 

That is such a good quote. I know this is going to be hard on me for a very long time. I don't want to stop therapy and i wont stop schooling or bettering myself but still I'll be lonely for a long time. Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing...who knows maybe in a while's time she'll come back tome, maybe she wont.. I dunno...I know I'll have a brighter future but still it is so hard letting go of someone you loved...

 

I've often felt that life is so much more enjoyable when you have someone to enjoy it with. And it's easier to walk through the hard times in life when you have someone to help you stand when the knees get weak.

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I can't say my ex is a bad person. She had her reasons not to trust me. she to was a victim of a tragic past.

 

Well, then, both of you were victims of a tragic past, and are survivors. But you must walk your path towards a better life, and so must she, and if part of her path was to reject you along the way, then you will find someone whom is better equipped to deal with who you are, and are becoming. Clearly, neither of you are bad people, but if she wasn't able to respond to you with trust, then your healing must proceed without her. And that's the RIGHT thing for you to be doing, if she cannot/will not come along with you for any reason. Don't regret anything here, you are only moving forward.

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There's enough damage done in your description alone to paint a bleak picture black. What you've likely experienced throughout the sum of your entire youth makes me nauseous to ponder. The bad news is you're a pretty serious case. The good news is that that doesn't mean you can't still get yourself back together and pointed forward.

 

You've got the biggest obstacle past you; you're completely cognizant of what is likely the source of most all of your neurosis. Whether you're fully aware of how it's affecting your every thought, action, reaction, etc is never completely clear. You're doing the right thing by entering therapy. What's unfortunate is that in your situation you probably need lots of it, varying types, and probably will want to keep on with it in the long-term. This can be expensive and saddening, but it's a lesser of two evils.

 

Secondly, if you're not seeking psychiatric attention for the emotional spectrum of your disorder (depression; anxiety; suicidal ideation; etc) you're probably not going to win this battle and will be losing it very soon.

 

To clarify for any confusion: therapy is a general term meaning talk as opposed to medications. Therapy can involve subtypes like psychoanalytical, cognitive, cognitive-behavioral, etc. Psychiatry is the seeing of a Ph.D specialist in mood-disorders and mental illnesses whom interprets and prescribes such therapies as well as medications designed to alleviate symptoms of mental illness.

 

None of what you've described so far is out of character for someone with your childhood. The only things that really set off red flags are the serious level to which your mental state has deteriorated to and the fact that you're acting on the ideation (either seriously or as a cry for help - the point remains serious). Relationship issues are just another axis on your plane and add only fuel to your forest fire. If she's bolted for the door you can't do anything at this point and pose only increasing danger to your future chance of survival if you can't let go of her at this point. Even if you don't let go of the hope that you may one day try things again on a better ground, you're as good as a cancer patient right now and need not to be chasing shadows when it might be death knocking on your doorstep. Initial break-up pain is normal and intense. In your case it's worse and you need to see that coming so it doesn't cause you to burn up on your way back into Earth's atmosphere.

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Interesting way of putting that Sparchitecht. So far my therapist has helped tremendously. I've only had 2 sessions but it's made such a change in my life already. It gave me the will to start my schooling again and get my license. I come on here to get advice. This is basically free therapy. I haven't been prescribed any medications yet. My therapist is at a mental health facility. I'm not well versed in all this but he has assured me I don't exhibant any signs of being a pedophile and he thinks despite the hardships I'm handling it fairly well.

 

 

I know I'm in no shape to hold down a relationship right now.. I guess it's just all the frustration of wanting a better fulfilling life with someone and being denied that yet again...

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That is such a good quote. I know this is going to be hard on me for a very long time. I don't want to stop therapy and i wont stop schooling or bettering myself but still I'll be lonely for a long time. Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing...who knows maybe in a while's time she'll come back tome, maybe she wont.. I dunno...I know I'll have a brighter future but still it is so hard letting go of someone you loved...

 

I've often felt that life is so much more enjoyable when you have someone to enjoy it with. And it's easier to walk through the hard times in life when you have someone to help you stand when the knees get weak.

 

I know, I've been there, and know that feeling so well. I have had a difficult and painful life. And being single now is hard because I have to keep the faith that there will be people who will love me even when I'm down, when things are rough. I do believe that love heals...but someone else's love cannot come before all else. Yes, it's hard to feel alone, rejected..very painful stuff on top of all this. And it would be ideal to have someone stand by you during this time, but since she has not been able to deal with it, then she is not the right one for you, even if she has her own emotional row to hoe that you can feel for. If she comes back, that's icing on the cake right now (and you might even see the relationship differently as you get healthier, so just stay open about the unknown), keep your focus on the goals that you've made for yourself. Because lovers come and go, but we have ourselves the whole way through and have to deal with that no matter who else comes through that revolving door. And we even have to be ready for it to revolve, unfortunately. But if you are steady in yourself -- which you can't really be until you tackle all this -- you'll be able to weather the times of loneliness. You have your whole life to find love again. Loneliness is a temporary state, if you are capable emotionally. So just hunker down. I know though, it sucks to have to go the hardest times alone, I know the feeling myself.

 

Edit: And breakup pain and loss, and grief is hard for ANYONE, so you're not alone in that by FAR, just having a look around this board. As Sparchitect says, it's just that much worse for you for all the backstory, but just remember that losing someone in a breakup hurts for EVERYONE really badly...and doesn't mean you should be back with that person, regardless of your history.

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I can't help but think what if i never saw that page back in 2001... would any of this have happened?

 

Yes. Untreated you're still headed down the same path. Better you got the wake-up call now and not at a time when it would have progressed farther and cost you more than an early-20's girlfriend.

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It's kinda weird that I managed to stay away from drinking or drug use through all this. Though I honestly wonder why one of those didn't become my vice rather than what did.

 

I can't say my ex is a bad person. She had her reasons not to trust me. she to was a victim of a tragic past.

 

You don't know how far ahead you are for staying sober. With as many traumas as you're holding down, chemicals are a death warrant. Surprising, though. So many in your shoes choose the chemical route, sucking not only themselves lifeless but those around them.

 

Your ex is probably not really bad. What's interesting is how two post-abuse victims attracted. With this being the case, in a healthy and healed state of mind one day, free of much of what is weighing on your heart, I wouldn't be surprised if you were no longer really attracted to her. It's possible that it's mostly to do with each of your personalities and what each of you seek, and once you're healthier and moving forward you may not seek what attracted you to her anymore. Just a thought.

 

For wanting a relationship, especially at your age, I concur. Life is best when you walk it alongside another. Unfortunately, though, relationships are like Minesweeper, and healing isn't something best done whilst in its clutches.

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Unfortunately, though, relationships are like Minesweeper, and healing isn't something best done whilst in its clutches.

 

 

I had to laugh out loud at that thinking " hey honey i love you! BOOM!"

 

but yes good analogy. You raised some interesting points. You seem well educated in this area, have you studied in it?

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I had to laugh out loud at that thinking " hey honey i love you! BOOM!"

 

but yes good analogy. You raised some interesting points. You seem well educated in this area, have you studied in it?

 

I've studied Psychology, mental illness and neurotic disorders since high school with great interest. Unfortunately, a lot of the learning came by force after being being diagnosed BiPolar at Sixteen, but that's a digression.

 

As for relationships, well, I'm here for advice on my own abject, weird, funny, demented and pale problems in the genre. Someday I'll actually get around to asking.

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I've studied Psychology, mental illness and neurotic disorders since high school with great interest. Unfortunately, a lot of the learning came by force after being being diagnosed BiPolar at Sixteen, but that's a digression.

 

As for relationships, well, I'm here for advice on my own abject, weird, funny, demented and pale problems in the genre. Someday I'll actually get around to asking.

 

 

I see. Well...I hope my problems come to a happy ending soon.

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I just wanted to add...while your girlfriend may not be bad, someone who breaks their hand over your head, unless you are threatening or assaulting them, has some very serious problems of their own (that they will need to deal with, and probably not in a relationship, as well).

 

Good luck with your continued efforts, TS.

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I just wanted to add...while your girlfriend may not be bad, someone who breaks their hand over your head, unless you are threatening or assaulting them, has some very serious problems of their own (that they will need to deal with, and probably not in a relationship, as well).

 

Good luck with your continued efforts, TS.

 

Well. Neither of us (to my knowledge) is in one. But I don't really want to know otherwise if I'm wrong. I'll still keep up no contact as much as I can. It's when I have so many mutual friends. sigh... sooner or later this will get easier, just gotta keep telling myself that.

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  • 8 months later...

Hi guys. wanted to give you an update on how I've turned out. Well good news is I'm done therapy. Secondly I've been lolicon free for almost 8 months. No longer have anxiety attacks, Still single but actually enjoying it. For the most part I'm smiling. Some more hardships have come about but I think I can tackle them. I'm doing well! Just thought you might like to know I'm no longer suicidal either. I sort of have this determination and passion for life now. I get down still sometimes about my past but I can handle it now. I look back and see that the comments you made during such a crucial time were invaluable to me and really helped me along on my path to healing. I've also graduated high school finally! and I've driven a car as well! Things are sorta working out. It's been a hell of a 7 month period filled with ups and downs but I keep telling myself "I CAN DO THIS!"

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