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Post-Breakup 7 week mark, I'm lost....


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Hi everyone... I'm at the 7 week mark from leaving my ex-fiance... I posted under another name awhile ago, as I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.. that ended with me leaving after the first physical abuse occurred... I left him, our dog, his house, everything behind... I have adjusted pretty well... I had the can't stop crying days, I have gone out been having a blast and meeting new people... I feel very good about my decision and have even been to a counsellor to help me through everything.

I feel mentally I've healed really well... I'm very aware (from alot of reading) that I had done on abusive men and I don't really take anything that happened personally, it just hurts because it was a loss..... I know there was nothing I could have done differently and this person is just not emotionally or mentally stable and marrying him would not have changed anything.

 

My problem now is that I feel lost when it comes to dating... I have been out on dates, meeting new fun people, hang out with my girl friends all the time... But I just don't even know what I am supposed to be doing!! I don't really feel anything emotionally (I'm sure that's normal) but I WANT TO!! I know my ex-fiance doesn't deserve my heart and I'm passed that point, I just want to love again... And I'm having a hard time because I don't feel anything for anyone even though I want to.... How long is this supposed to take? I don't really want a commitment or a boyfriend, but it would be nice to at least feel SOMETHING for someone.. I thought I was feeling some sparks for this one guy, but I'm not so sure anymore... And I'm not exactly sure how to cope with this empty feeling I have inside...

Is it better to just be alone and do NOT date? Or just keep dating and trying?

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I think it's better to just be getting out. If you start wondering why you don't feel sparks then, when the sparks happen, you may fall for the sparks more than the person. Things take the time they take... there is no universal measure for how long it will be before you start to feel again. Give yourself some slack.

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True.. and when I do go out I have a great time... I've been meeting a lot of fun people, and my best friend and I are glued at the hip again, feels great... We are even going to Vegas in April

I guess my problem right now is with MEN.... I don't even know what to do... I am afraid to kiss, have sex, get close to anyone because I don't want to get hurt... I also don't even know what I want.... But I find it really weird just being platonic with a guy if I am attracted to him... But if I act out on physical urges I'm sure I'm going to make some serious mistakes... But what is the purpose of dating really right? Date with the intentions of a relationship, or date with the intensions of sex? I don't want either!!! So why should I date? Is it wrong to just date for fun and not give the guy anything in return? lol.... I guess I feel guilty.. Letting guys take me out for dinner and what not, when I want nothing from them?

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this is not wrong. Letting a guy take you out boosts his ego. He gets good conversation and he gets to be seen with a gorgeous woman. He may even end up making a good friend.

 

Just cause he buys you dinner doesn't mean you're obligated to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him.

 

Why'd you and your ex break up? Why are you adamant against giving him another chance?

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That's a big block of guilt. Why don't you stick that in the guilt chest for now and let it rest.

 

In the meantime, enjoy some freedom to be yourself and not care whether it will attract a guy. Really... be free... Vegas is a great place to let loose and enjoy some bonding time with your buddy. There are plenty of rainy cold days to pull out the "chest o' guilt" and peruse it with a hot cup of tea.

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this is not wrong. Letting a guy take you out boosts his ego. He gets good conversation and he gets to be seen with a gorgeous woman. He may even end up making a good friend.

 

Just cause he buys you dinner doesn't mean you're obligated to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him.

 

Why'd you and your ex break up? Why are you adamant against giving him another chance?

 

He was abusive!

Controlling and very emotionally abusive.. eventually led to physical abuse, he shoved me down on my butt and I hit my head.. he's 6'3 260 lbs by the way

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That's a big block of guilt. Why don't you stick that in the guilt chest for now and let it rest.

 

In the meantime, enjoy some freedom to be yourself and not care whether it will attract a guy. Really... be free... Vegas is a great place to let loose and enjoy some bonding time with your buddy. There are plenty of rainy cold days to pull out the "chest o' guilt" and peruse it with a hot cup of tea.

 

It's not that I care if I will attract a guy... It's that I don't even KNOW what to do with it, or about it right now.... I am trying not to be one of those hurt closed off girls that shuts down every guy in her path just because she got hurt... I'm honest about my intentions, whether I just want to have fun, or just friends... But when I do meet someone I start to like, I don't know what to do with it... If I should just stop talking to them, or take it slow.. I know I'm over-analyizing things, but I've had a long-term breakup before and I never felt this way before Maybe it's because of leaving an abusive relationship it messes with your head a lot...

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as I was saying... that's a big block of guilt. You are overthinking everything. You seem like a good person that is really examining her participation in a prior relationship and questionsing it. You just seem to be meeting people you like to know too fast right now... and, since you are a likeable person, that's hard to avoid.

 

Maybe it's because of an abusive relationship... maybe it's because you're growing up. Maybe you should take some time and not worry about this stuff.

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