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Too many things going on at once


mr me

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I kinda wonder what happen to the days when my life seemed to be manageable. Its like everything that goes wrong now just leads to something else going wrong. I feel like im lost on my own planet of depression, anxiety, and just a life full of pain. I try to do things that i feel are supposed to be helping me but i still feel like this. I know that this could be something i can struggle with for me whole life. Some people have never really got their lives under control. Im just about as irrational as you can get. I dont even know who i am anymore because my problems have basically become the only person that i am anymore. I used to feel like i had good qualities and i dont see that anymore. Ive fallen and gotten up so many times and its just the repetitive nature is just wearing me out. Its like one second i can be happy and feel like im under control and just like that it all gets sucked away from me. Im going to therapy and trying to go to a support group. Its just even with that its like i need to get myself to go because if not my mind starts to think about how i shouldnt go or that i dont want to go. I dont know if anything in this world is like depression because its the only thing i can think of that your mind is basically making you continue doing the things that cause you to feel that way. You get so stuck in this feeling that you become comfortable to the pain and whatever else is going on. I now have to try to deal with me being this way for so long and me feeling better feeling like this then to actually be in a place where i actually wasnt depressed.

 

I think my biggest problem is that im always used to and have had to do things on my own. Im now really no good at doing much of anything on my own when it comes to my life. I sometimes struggle with bein somewhat delusional, alot of the times i seem to be in denial or just have things i cant cope with and i dont know what else. I just wish that somehow something i did would seem to help but it doesnt work that way. Its all stuff that takes time so until that time im stuck being unhappy and miserable which so many people want to think its by choice. Its just the hardest thing about depression or anxiety or any type of psychological disorder it probably could all be from some type of chemical imbalance or lack of something. My family has a history of so many psychological problems and then on top of that im stuck in this place where its probably the worst place for me to be in. Its just somehow im addicted to staying in my room away from all the craziness that has been my life or my house. I really just question why am i still alive if im just supposed to be going thru so much negative almost impossible odds. Its somehow that im supposed to look at this in a good way but for the most part i just dont want this to be how my life is. I just have no choice in what my life was made to be like. I have no answers or the answers that im seeking just arent going to happen. Its just all about having to deal with all this crazy negative * * * * and really have no idea whats going to happen to me after all of this. Im just supposed to keep trying and pushing and i dont even know for what. Ive had to try to stop myself from wanting to be happy because im not going to be happy for a long time. I have to deal with all my demons and whatever life just decides to throw my way and try to not be so negative. The only other option is suicide and thats pretty much the one thing if anything that ive been successful in and thats not trying to or actually doing it. So i guess again thats my one little thing im supposed to feel good about.

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I can only say that the reason all of this seems to be happening or im feeling like this is because again ive wanted things to be good so bad but its just not the way things are now. I am just stuck in the semi-decent life trying to be ok with alot of things that arent going good with myself or my life. Its just i really dont know how long my life is supposed to be like this before i crumble from all of the energy it takes to not let it crumble already. I just seem to see myself slipping away from my sanity and i dont even know why or what is going on with me. Im just stuck here and really have no place to go but somehow thats how its supposed to be for me. I could cry, scream, break something, and just go crazy pretty much. I just really wonder how long am i supposed to be like this. I know some people dont really ever get a hold of themselves when they are dealing with stuff like i am dealing with. Its just i have no idea what makes people be able to get over things like this and what makes people not be able to get over things like this. I really just dont know whats going on anymore.

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I guess this is where im confused with myself. I basically feel like i should be mad because im really just doing so bad and no one replied. Its just i know that people might not have anything to say or maybe it was too late. Its just for me if i saw someone that really needed help i would at least try to say something because ive felt too many times how hard it is to feel alone in this world on top of everything else that you go thru. Ive felt all types of ways before but ive never felt even close to how i feel right now. Im basically am struggling with my sub-conscious to not think about killing myself because i dont feel like living when the only person i really cared about in this world treated me the way she did. I guess thats when im supposed to learn to care about myself as much or more than anyone else. Its just kinda hard to do anything like that when you are feeling the way i do. I dont even know if i have the will anymore to do anything good for myself. Im just lost and dont really know whats going on. All ive been able to do basically is try to survive in my very unfortunate life and hope that somehow things can get better. Its just i know that its basically up to me its just even if it is I still need at least something to go right for me so i dont have to feel like im always stuck with so many things always going wrong. Its like i dont even want to talk to anyone but at the same time am just hoping that someone will talk to me so i dont even know anymore what going on. I know that because of how she was with me i should never even think about me wanting anything to do with her but i just seem to be too nice or too idealistic. I guess this is what happens when you break up with someone and you have to deal with your sub-conscious. I just dont see myself being able to do anything right now.

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I dont know im just not doing good. Ive just had things happen to me that i wanted them to be better than what i knew they would be. Im just as sad as it is to say not in a place where good things seem to happen to me. I just have so many negative things going on in my life that have mostly always been like this. Its just now everything is basically what seems like at its worst. I sometimes even have a hard time knowing that this is really me its like an out of body experience. I just felt like i really needed someone or something to help me. Its just like usually thats not how things work out or you dont get what you want. Its just i wouldnt mind that things wouldnt always be so hard for me because i really dont know how to deal with my life. I guess i really just cant and just keep hoping that maybe someday i can.

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