Jump to content

I have no clue about her intentions, and its killing me. Do I ask her whats up?


Bdk86

Recommended Posts

So as I mentioned many times before that my ex ended it a little over 3 months ago and she got with a new guy right away. She would say awful things to me and how I was such a horrible person. This semester we have a class together and it first it was weird, but she has been putting effort into trying to talk to me. I have been "civil" but she is taking it further: she texted me Friday night to tell me she had a gas leak at her house and then said how she felt "so sick and so cold". I went and helped her (stupid me). Saturday she called me and we talked for 40 minutes and she was really happy and excited sounding. She called me tonight-which I didn't expect at all-but sounded all mopey and lethargic. The thing that bothered me where I wanted to post was she talked about her V-day with her new boyfriend. Just little details how they drank a bottle of wine, he made her dinner, and (what really got to me) how they got up and he made her breakfast, ugh. I think I get all these signs like she still cares about me and then I hear that.

 

Did I just let myself become the new b#*ch friend of hers or does she have some problems because she had mentioned to me before the words "bipolar"? I'm confused and was almost entirely over her before this school semester started, but now I can't sleep or concentrate on anything. She even randomly text messaged me to ask if I knew anyone who needed a roommate for next year, I asked why, and she said cuz she needed one. But I knew she had one lined up so there was a problem. I asked what happened and didnt get a response until she called me later. I just don't get it at all. I want to get out of this situation but I can't because I'm stuck in this class with her and for the sake of civility and my sanity I feel it it somewhat necessary to talk to her. This completely sucks-a total emotional roller coaster. I can't tell if she lost her feelings for me completely or what? And should I level with her and tell her how I feel? I feel like I'm going to develop an ulcer. Ugh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sounds like a complete and utter drama queen. I've been where you are and brother, take it from me -- let her go. If you see her, civility is certainly admirable. But don't think you have to talk to her. Don't allow yourself to be the backup boyfriend. You deserve more.

 

As to what's in her head? Who can say. She probably doesn't know herself. Cut contact and work on healing yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can totally relate to you. My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago. She wished to be "friends". The whole "friends" thing is something I took with a grain of salt. Since the break-up, the only times she ever contacted me is when she needed something. She never contacted me to say "hello" or check in. It was always about whatever she needed, or her needing to vent about whatever drama going on in her life. During our conversations, she would get rude and make rather mean and insulting comments to me. She was trying to push my buttons and start a fight. Not very "friend" like in my book.

 

It just shows how selfish your ex and my ex are. They need something and turn to us. We are too readily available and convenient for them to call up for whatever they need. If they have no need for us at the time, there is no contact at all.

 

She dumped me. I am no longer her boyfriend. I am not going to fulfill whatever boyfriend duties I did for her in the past. She gave those privledges up when she kicked me to the curb.

 

I ignored her text last night asking where I bought a specialty vodka we used to enjoy together. Its not my problem. She can send out her new boyfriend or whatever sucker she has to go track it down.

 

Its tough to get over her when she keeps getting in touch with you. Its a reminder of the past. Its re-opening wounds. She is selfish and disrespectful to you. She can chat with her new boyfriend. Get him to take care of the gas leak and find her a new roommate. Not your problem! Not your job!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Exactly. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, go no contact. Not to get her back but rather to heal yourself.

 

You can theoretically be friends with an ex if enough time has passed to allow mutual healing/growth and there is mutual respect for one another with no hidden agendas. It's difficult to guage how all of this will shake out but I would advise to let go of her for good. Don't be her friend of convenience.

 

I wish you the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Exactly. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, go no contact. Not to get her back but rather to heal yourself.

 

You can theoretically be friends with an ex if enough time has passed to allow mutual healing/growth and there is mutual respect for one another with no hidden agendas. It's difficult to guage how all of this will shake out but I would advise to let go of her for good. Don't be her friend of convenience.

 

I wish you the best.

 

^ stamp of approval

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Im just really confused on what her motives are. I don't know if shes just using me to get the best parts of me, or she cares a little bit. I changed my facebook status one day from single to nothing because I was sick of the singles ads on the sides, and I got a text from her a half hour later saying "oh youre single now, eh?". Why would she care?! And she just called me again to ask about homework and chat a little bit, but at the end of the conversation she had to mention something about her boyfriend, again.

 

What I really want to know is if I just turned from her ex of nearly a year to one of her "guy friends" which really doesn't work because we weren't friends before we dated. Or if theres something there and shes latching on to take only what she wants...or anything else. I know I'm not her bf and shouldn't fulfill any of those duties, but its driving me nuts why shes acting like this toward me. I don't see how we could've been friends in the future-IE now-because A) she said I was absolutely horrible to her and she didn't want to see me again and B) she hurt me terribly saying how horrible I was and I didn't want any part to do with her. I had NC going for quite some time but...

 

I really can not do NC entirely, but I can limit it from what it is now. I just want to know if it seems like I turned into the "friend" which my gut tells me "no", and if that can't be answered if I should ask her whats going on? I don't mean to look too into it, but I really can't help it with this situation because of her and my history together. So what do you guys think? Or recommend (besides complete NC)?

 

And thanks for all you ENA-ers for all the help so far! I never really thanked anyone on here yet so I wanted to do that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are too readily available for her. You answer her calls and help out with homework. She only gets in touch with you because she needs something! Don't be too convenient for her. Don't answer her calls or text messages. She has a boyfriend who she always reminds you about.

 

I am in the same boat with you. When my ex dumped me 3 weeks ago; she said she wanted to be friends and that we could still date. Its something I didn't go for. I'm not going to allow myself to be her back-up plan while she is seeing other guys. I am not going to take the disrespect and neglect while she dates other men and decides if she wants me back or not. Either she is with me or not, and she made the decision to dump me. I tried to be a "friend" but only found her using the guise of "friendship" to get me to do various favors and other things she needed accomplished. She gave up those benefits when she dumped me. She knows how deeply she hurt me. She is truly a selfish person with her own interests as a priority.

 

Your ex is keeping you as a back-up plan and benefiting from you in the process. That is why she asked if you were now "single". She doesen't want to lose her back-up plan. She gets the benefit of help from you, yet she has a boyfriend. She was mean to you, which my ex was to me as well. This contact with her is only confusing and misleading you even more. Remember she dumped you, she made that decision. So she has to deal with the consequence of not having you in her life. She is selfish and wants everything in her life. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too!

 

I know it isn't easy. I am in the same boat as you. My wounds are much fresher and I still struggle with it everyday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unwritten Law, thanks for organizing what I've been feeling. Im sorry to hear about your situation. Honestly, when I was that fresh into it I felt the same way and had the same attitude as you did now. I did not answer her texts or calls or emails and it hurt but she was being a total *whatever explitive you feel is necessary*. After a few weeks of NC, I was forced to see her in this class and it was extremely uncomfortable and made me really anxious. She tried to talk to me and I was curtious yet curt. Then I decided to be polite and make this class as comfortable as possible so when she would contact me or try to talk, I would be nice and pleasant instead. I guess that lead into what is going on now. I just needed to be put into check and you helped! Thanks.

 

Good luck with you're situation. It seems like you're going to be fine as long as you keep up the attitude you have right now. Just don't revert back like I did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I've actually taken a few phone calls from her in the past couple of hours and I was trying to really breakdown how she was approaching the conversation. You guys are right! She doesn't ask about me, she doesn't care about my situation. She is only asking me to fix her problems. It's pretty funny how accurate you guys have been with interpreting my situation. So thanks a lot for your help with this so far!

 

I wish I would still know what her intentions are, but I don't think I will find out regardless of whether I ask her or not. I don't want to be over-confident, but I think as soon as she has some major boyfriend problems she is coming right to me for help (?).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I've actually taken a few phone calls from her in the past couple of hours and I was trying to really breakdown how she was approaching the conversation. You guys are right! She doesn't ask about me, she doesn't care about my situation. She is only asking me to fix her problems. It's pretty funny how accurate you guys have been with interpreting my situation. So thanks a lot for your help with this so far!

 

I wish I would still know what her intentions are, but I don't think I will find out regardless of whether I ask her or not. I don't want to be over-confident, but I think as soon as she has some major boyfriend problems she is coming right to me for help (?).

 

 

Perhaps, but there is no great honour in being the fall back person. I met lots of people in my life who always ran to me for help..but couldn't be bothered when I needed help and weren't really concerned about how I was doing. Those are the users of the world..the ones who call you when they have a problem and then walk away as soon as they don't need you...then come back the next time they need you. I had that with plenty of so-called friends and I finally walked away from them because they were not true friends...true friends ask about you, care about you and help you in your time of trouble. This woman is not your partner, nor is she even a good friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...