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Its ok for a husband to have an affair when his wife...


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English Questions and Answers For D...
English Questions and Answers For Daily Conversation - Part 01

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you know, this topic gets brough up a lot in "Savage Love", a sex advice column. one of his statements about marriage (paraphrased) is when you get married, you enter into an agreement to try to be the person you were when you entered the marriage. of course, everyone changes over time, and people grow older, but if you were a fit gym goer, very active before the marriage, and after getting married you stop working out and put on 150 lbs, that is not fair to your partner. likewise, if your partner married you when you were goth, and you've suddenly turned into a preppy, that's a big change too!

 

I think when you are married, you have to think about your partner's needs and desires. i think if you are married, and your husband or wife comes home one day and says, 'hey - i'm off to go to europe for 6 months to go backpacking, i'm going alone, bye!' that's not cool. you have to make decisions with the other person in mind and in agreement. likewise, if you stop having sex with your husband or wife, if you reject all of their advances, and if you refuse to get counseling, and you refuse to get a divorce, pretty much the only option for the spouse is to go outside the marriage discreetly.

 

a friend of a friend (i didn't hear this story from her mouth though, but i heard it from one of my best friends who told her) was that she was a virgin on her wedding night, she had sex once with her husband, really didn't like it. however, she wanted children. that one time led to a baby, and she decided not to have sex with him anymore. she just really didn't like it. now, i don't know what's happened to them in the meantime - if they sought counseling, if they are having sex, or if he is just going to deal with never having sex again with his wife for the rest of his life, or if he's going to discreetly cheat on her, or what. but i think when you start denying sex to your spouse without some valid reason, i'm not sure what else you can expect!?

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It's all semantics. She might have said "affair" but we were explaining the only time it is ok for a man to have sex 'outside of the marriage". Semantics that hopefully was inferred.

 

Ok so we've cleared up the assumptions. Thanks.

 

Dictionary and technically, it is.

 

But, what is more important is the personal definition.

 

 

Which dictionary? What year was it published?

 

 

 

OP its only OK if the wife actually joined in a menage e trios with her husband and his lover.

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I understand that scenario but one would hope that in that situation a man or woman would go ahead and file for divorce vs cheating to get fulfillment.

I wouldnt expect anyone to stay in a sexless marriage, but they can also talk it out and say 'if it doesn't change, i'm' out". At least make sure their partner has full disclosure.

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one would hope that in that situation a man or woman would go ahead and file for divorce vs cheating to get fulfillment.

 

Yeah I think that is the point. If your rationale for cheating is "I'm getting none at home" then get out of the marriage first. It's not going to get any better, you already know you cannot live long term with it. Get out then you can do what you want without a guilty heart.

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I agree that in an ideal world a man in sexless marriage would divorce before cheating but I can see that he might say that's all very well but if I do that I lose my children, my house and a good proportion of my disposable income. So my wife gets all the advantages of having been married to me that she wanted while I get the bad end of the deal and can't even afford to see another woman anyway.

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I agree that in an ideal world a man in sexless marriage would divorce before cheating but I can see that he might say that's all very well but if I do that I lose my children, my house and a good proportion of my disposable income. So my wife gets all the advantages of having been married to me that she wanted while I get the bad end of the deal and can't even afford to see another woman anyway.

 

Good point.

 

I'm starting to see pre-nups in a better light the older I get.

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I agree that in an ideal world a man in sexless marriage would divorce before cheating but I can see that he might say that's all very well but if I do that I lose my children, my house and a good proportion of my disposable income. So my wife gets all the advantages of having been married to me that she wanted while I get the bad end of the deal and can't even afford to see another woman anyway.

 

yes!!!! that's just my point! one person makes a unilateral decision, and the other person suffers.

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I agree that in an ideal world a man in sexless marriage would divorce before cheating but I can see that he might say that's all very well but if I do that I lose my children, my house and a good proportion of my disposable income. So my wife gets all the advantages of having been married to me that she wanted while I get the bad end of the deal and can't even afford to see another woman anyway.

 

Isn't marriage always a gamble tho? There are no absolutes when one enters matrimony.

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agree that in an ideal world a man in sexless marriage would divorce before cheating but I can see that he might say that's all very well but if I do that I lose my children, my house and a good proportion of my disposable income.

 

Of course, divorce is a big step. But seriously, you haven't had sex for years, you are at the point where you want to go outside the marriage, you're only kidding yourself (and your spouse).

 

Things should have happened BEFORE this point but at least make sure they happen now.

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I agree that in an ideal world a man in sexless marriage would divorce before cheating but I can see that he might say that's all very well but if I do that I lose my children, my house and a good proportion of my disposable income. So my wife gets all the advantages of having been married to me that she wanted while I get the bad end of the deal and can't even afford to see another woman anyway.

 

 

Its funny how seemingly well intentioned laws can create other undesired effects.

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Of course, divorce is a big step. But seriously, you haven't had sex for years, you are at the point where you want to go outside the marriage, you're only kidding yourself (and your spouse).

 

Things should have happened BEFORE this point but at least make sure they happen now.

 

 

People probably arent kidding themelves though. I am totally for people getting a divorce if its at this stage yet I can also see how that factor would enter into decision.

 

I am sure some husbands if not many would weigh the options at hand and come to the conclusion that:

 

1) If I get a divorce it will cost me the bank.

2) She isnt into the marriage and hasnt asked for a divorce.

3) Why sit in limbo.

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1) If I get a divorce it will cost me the bank.

 

I'm sure many do. But here's the thing. You are heading to divorce anyway. What's the end game in play? You are 15 years into a marriage, you haven't had sex for 5, don't want to lose out in a divorce settlement.........I know, I'll start having affairs and never get a divorce!.....

 

Come on. If your not getting it now you are getting it 10 years............and let me tell you a bit about life and divorce. Most people, the older they get, the richer they get.....conversley the older they get the less time they have to make more money.

 

Now a divorce settlement separates your assets at the time of settlement......get my drift. In hindsight most men understand they would have been better taking the settlement years before they actually do,

 

That is the truth in the line "you gotta know when to fold them..."

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I think if men (and perhaps women too these days) in a sexless marriage were to feel that if they were to file for divorce the child custody and financial arrangements would be equitable they might decide to go that route rather than have an affair. But the perception, if not the reality, is that fairness isn't going to happen and so they feel trapped.

 

So yes, marriage is a gamble. Which is why increasing numbers of people are trying to reduce the risks by either insisting on a pre-nup or not getting married at all.

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