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So I think I messed it up... (long one)


Keyman
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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So, my girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I was unhappy about it, but wanted to move on. I tend to pine for someone gone, and get depressed, but this time I wasn't going to bow to this. I'm still in love with my girlfriend, but what can I do? Beg her not to break up with me, beg to get her back? Maybe I should have tried harder, but then I felt like she didn't want a bar of it, so I didn't.

 

I'm part of an organisation called Table for 6. Where they send you to dinner with 5 strangers on a group blind date. So a few days after she broke up with me, I decided to get out there and keep my spirits high. Saturday came around and I was feeling good, I went out and met some great people, and gave one of the girls my number.

 

On the Sunday, I got a text from my girlfriend telling me she missed me. It threw me through a loop (As per the associated thread on here) did she want me back? You guys said no, but I felt differently. So I began a campaign to win her heart back and we started talking via email, I met her the next Wednesday briefly and it seemed like all was on but I was confused still, there was no statement of getting back together, just a feeling. There was talk about a valentine's date and we were both excited.

 

Then on Thursday, I got a call from the girl I'd met on the weekend who wanted to meet for a coffee. So I said yes and I think this was my mistake, I should have said no and told her why. But I didn't. I arranged a coffee with her on Sunday lunchtime. I've speculated why. I think I was still unsure of my girlfriends intentions, not sure if this is just an excuse.

 

Friday came and I confirmed my Valentine's date with my girlfriend and was very much looking forward to it, although I think I was still wondering where it was going to be leading. I hoped it would mean getting back together, but I still wasn't sure. She tells me that I knew we would get back together, but I disagree.

 

Saturday arrived and we arranged a time for the date and I met her and she looked amazing. The date went well, beyond well. It was romantic, loving, giving, the works. No woman has ever shown me such romance and one thing led to another and we ended up making love until the early hours of the morning.

 

I awoke Sunday with an awful thought, that I still had a date with this other girl. So I slipped out of bed and cancelled the date. My girlfriend wondered what I was up to having woken as well and asked if I was keeping secrets from her. So I foolishly told her that I had cancelled a date.

 

Well! That started an argument that went on for a couple of hours. That after being broken up with, I should have laid around depressed and pining for her, I shouldn't have done what I thought was best to help my aching heart and get back out there. And when I was conversing with my girlfriend leading up to Valentine's I should have cancelled the date. But I didn't.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to explain and back pedalling while she lashed out with all she had and more. Eventually she calmed down and agreed to go out with coffee with me. We spent the day together, she was standoffish, but slowly let it go and we held hands and cuddled and talked. But there was still something. Now she has asked for space and time to deal with the situation and I feel like I have lost her again. I want to fight for her, but she doesn't think I have it in me. But I'm going to fight anyway.

 

I actually want to be with this girl, but am backing off to ensure that she has time to think on it.

 

I don't think I messed up, but she does. I don't want to cut my losses and just move on, I want to fight for her and us. Am I wasting my time?

 

Any suggestions?

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Wow, your in spiral! thats for sure.. I would say when you told your girlfriend that you had to cancel a date, you should of explained to her that you didnt know for sure that you were getting back together and that you were confused.

 

If you are trying to get back with her dont date that other girl. Let your girlfriend know that you want her and only her, express your feelings to her, and if she dont want to get back with you then its a sign to move on.

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I would say when you told your girlfriend that you had to cancel a date, you should of explained to her that you didnt know for sure that you were getting back together and that you were confused.

 

If you are trying to get back with her dont date that other girl. Let your girlfriend know that you want her and only her, express your feelings to her, and if she dont want to get back with you then its a sign to move on.

 

Oh yes, I told her of my confusion. I'd even asked her directly of her intentions via email last week and did not get a complete answer. 'I'd like to discuss it at another time...' I was trying to figure if we were getting back together, did not have a conclusive answer and was still confused. But it didn't matter, she didn't believe me.

 

It's like the friends episode with Ross and Rachel, except I didn't sleep with anyone only accepted a coffee invite, and we were BROKEN UP, not just on a break!

 

I have expressed that I just want to be with her and what my feelings are, but she doubts my intentions, or where it comes from. I can't give her more than that, but I will keep telling her when I can. And if she doesn't want to give it a go, then her loss.

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I agree that she is being silly and over-dramatic. Is this the sort of behaviour that she usually indulges in? If it is it must be very tedious for you.

 

I would tell her that either you are back together ot not and if she says anything other tha 'yes, we are" tell her you are going to move on. And do it.

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I agree that she is being silly and over-dramatic. Is this the sort of behaviour that she usually indulges in? If it is it must be very tedious for you.

 

I would tell her that either you are back together ot not and if she says anything other tha 'yes, we are" tell her you are going to move on. And do it.

 

Dude, I'm told that I am the dramatic one! Not always, but she does tend to do this from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I do it as well. I think that it causes us both a tedious time. I can't help but love her though, which is my issue and I think hers too.

 

So, I've just made a choice, taken the bull by the horns. Shes got two weeks, then i am walking away for good. I aint gonna put up with her bullying anymore. She wants space, shes got two weeks for me to wait, then I'm getting on with my life. We have two weeks to work it out, or it's toast.

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Dude, I'm told that I am the dramatic one! Not always, but she does tend to do this from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I do it as well. I think that it causes us both a tedious time. I can't help but love her though, which is my issue and I think hers too.

 

So, I've just made a choice, taken the bull by the horns. Shes got two weeks, then i am walking away for good. I aint gonna put up with her bullying anymore. She wants space, shes got two weeks for me to wait, then I'm getting on with my life. We have two weeks to work it out, or it's toast.

You are far more generous with your time than I would be.

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You are far more generous with your time than I would be.

 

I said I would fight to keep her, fight to make her mine. But there must be something to fight for and I know she will take her time in thinking about it. I am not going to be contacting her again in the short term. It's up to her to come back to me when she is ready. I give her this time because I love her.

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I guess I'm in the minority here, but I understand why she's upset. I do think she's overreacting and being a drama queen about it, but I'd be upset too if I were her. I mean, from her perspective, she probably feels that: 1) you were already trying to see other people within 2 weeks, so you must not have cared about her very much, 2) You weren't that serious about wanting her back, because you were simultaneously scheduling dates with someone else. Irrational? Maybe, but totally understandable. Her feelings are hurt, mine would be too. She may even feel that it was obvious by her wanting to see you on Valentine's that she wanted you back, and probably feels betrayed, particularly because the date was set for the very next day and you had to sneak out of the room to cancel it.

 

That being said, I don't really think you actually did anything wrong (particularly considering she was the dumper) and if I were her, I may have initially reacted similarly, but I would have pretty quickly realized I was overreacting and apologized. I think her feelings are understandable, but she should be mature enough to be able to look at it from your perspective and understand that you haven't actually done anything wrong.

 

I think what you're doing is right though. If you've already explained that you were confused if she really wanted you back, and that you were trying to do what was best for you and protect yourself, and that you really do love her and what things to work...there's nothing else you can do. If you can forgive her for dumping you in the first place, she should absolutely be able to forgive you and let this go

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I mean, from her perspective, she probably feels that: 1) you were already trying to see other people within 2 weeks, so you must not have cared about her very much, 2) You weren't that serious about wanting her back, because you were simultaneously scheduling dates with someone else. Irrational? Maybe, but totally understandable. Her feelings are hurt, mine would be too. She may even feel that it was obvious by her wanting to see you on Valentine's that she wanted you back, and probably feels betrayed, particularly because the date was set for the very next day and you had to sneak out of the room to cancel it.

 

If you can forgive her for dumping you in the first place, she should absolutely be able to forgive you and let this go

 

Thanks for the response...

I do actually understand her hurting and can see it from her perspective. So yes, I may have been a bit swift to get back out there. I didn't want myself to get down about this whole thing. She says it was in spite, but it wasn't. I was trying to help myself, not get back at her. And yes, I was foolish for setting the date for the following day, I should have given us more time before responding to the coffee request.

 

Yes I was confused. I'm a man of words. And sent her a long message asking her intentions. Are we on or friends or nothing? She asked to discuss it later after the date. This from someone that asked me specifically to ask her to be my girlfriend, because "a woman likes to be asked", even though we were inseperable and both knew we were together.

 

But I'm okay with it and will wait. By allowing her to think about it, I feel I am giving her what I can. She blames me for the break up, so is now telling me that I've hurt her twice, so I have to be accepting that she may not come back this time.

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It was certainly not for cheating. I don't do that. We had a bitter argument on the phone 2 days prior to her breaking up and a lot of things were said. I picked the fight because of her selfish behaviour. She doesn't like to be put on the spot about her issues, but is fine doing it to me, and I think she really felt challenged by it. We had had a troubling couple of weeks with arguing, distance and a lack of compromise and eventually claimed that things were only going to get worse. I was pretty accepting of the break up as it was getting too much for me. Thus why it didn't take me long to get back on the horse and ride off into the sunset. Still, I did miss her a lot, and was overjoyed when she contacted me a week later to say she missed me. Things all started again from there and thus wanting a firm clarification of where we were going...

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I'm mixed on this. Not contacting her certainly gives her space and the time to consider her over reaction. But it also gives her time to fester on it.

 

I think a woman (and I'll be careful here because my track record isn't great!) likes a man to know what he wants, and to have the self respect to ask for it. So maybe give her the space, but after contacting her and saying that you can understand why she was upset with the date, but it was your way getting out of the house and keeping your spirits up. tell her that being upset is reasonable, but walking away from the relationship over this is not. So you will get on with your stuff, and if she calls she calls.

 

Like you, I often * * * * * foot around because I'm 'sensitive' and don't want to upset the apple cart, or make her feel bad. But it often back fires. Much better to be respectful, but stand by your convictions. If she doesn't come back because of this, it would not have lasted anyway. Show her 'drama queen' doesn't work anymore. IMHO.

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