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Could Really Use some advice


onemorespin

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Hello,

I have been dating a guy that lives in another state since right after Christmas. Things have been going really really well and we have seen each other several times as well as talk every day. Last week I flew out there and spent 5 days with him. The very last night I got really drunk and acted really really badly. I am in my 30s and have never done that before. I think I was just wanting to know where things stood and was leaving the next day and didn't handle it appropriately. I didn't do anything way crazy or unforgivable, but he took it really badly and it was far from my finest moment.

 

He wouldn't have anything to do with me the rest of the night or the next morning. He dropped me off at the airport, gave me a hug and kiss and said we would talk later. I asked him how we were leaving things and he said he doesn't know b/c my behavior scared him, saying he didn't even know who I was that night. He said he needs to decide if he wants to get in a LDR with someone with the capability to act that way, and was upset that I freaked out so early in our relationship. I know it was a one off night and I am never like that; just had a bad night. Every other second we have been together has been wonderful so I told him I felt like I deserved the benefit of the doubt. I also explained why I had gotten upset the night before and that it wasn't anything he did and that I am crazy about him. This is also a man that has a self professed fear of commitment so I am feeling like he is justified for being upset but that things were going sooo well before that and I gave him an easy out. He hasn't contacted me for 5 days now and I am hurting. Do you think I ruined things forever or is there any hope? Anyone have advice or a similar story?

 

I am just having a hard time understanding how things could be so great and then a few bad hours makes it all bad. I had met his mom a few weeks ago, he has met some of my friends and he was getting to the point where he was doing really sweet things for me and would compliment me all the time. Went out of his way to spend time with me and make the most of the time we had together. And just like that he can't talk to me? I have been giving him his space and time to cool off but I am hurting that I haven't heard from him.

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I just left a LDR because the communication (and hence the trust) wasn't right, amongst other things. If you really want this to work, you need to take the initiative (both of you) when situations and such arise and talk, because with you not being together, you are going to have to talk a helluva lot more to compensate. Don't wait on him to address it, pick up the phone, send a letter, something.

 

I don't know the nature of what you did but the early stages in the relationship are when you are trying to build trust. It is not the time to cast doubt. So my advice would be to call and straighten it out and explain yourself. His fear of commitment may not be rooted to a general avoidance of it, he may genuinely be nervous and apprehensive (I know I was). From his point of view, he may wonder if you can control yourself when he isn't there.

 

I think he will be receptive but if he isn't, then at least you've tried to sort it out as opposed to letting him drift away.

 

Good Luck,

Dan

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Thanks for the advice. I did explain myself the next morning and he said he understood what I was saying, but that it didn't feel like that was the problem or where I was coming from the night before. He forgave me but said he can't forget it.

 

I sent him an email this morning saying that I was sorry again for acting that way, because it isn't me and I hope he knows that. Said I have thought about what happened and have some clarity on what I was feeling. I also said I hope he can give me the benefit of the doubt but will respect his decision if he can't. Said either way, I have enjoyed getting to know him. It was short but I wanted to put something out there without overloading him.

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