Anyone been able to "move on" while having contact with ex through work or other reason?

[rapunzel]

I am trying to decide if it's worth staying in my band with my ex. We have a rehearsal tomorrow. He brought a new woman to our show a few weeks ago and I've considered quitting as it was extremely painful to witness.

 

Wanted to hear from others (dumpees) who have had to work with and/or have contact with their exes and if they've been successfully able to move on. How did you do it and how long did it take?

 

I know it's over, I have no illusions about him coming back to me. I'm just afraid that since I am still attracted to him that I will find it difficult to be attracted to others. That no one will be able to measure up to him. The physical chemistry is overwhelming to me. I'm also not looking forward to continuing to 'act as if'....I'm afraid he'll be able to see my pain. I'm afraid my pain and healing will be greatly prolonged.

 

Yesterday he included me on a group email invitation where he invited the whole band to a jazz show plus a bunch of his friends. Whether or not he is bringing this woman I have no idea....he used to include me on these group invites when we were broken up and sometimes I'd be the only one to respond. I'm not going to accept nor even respond but I wonder would he be so clueless to include me and bring this woman as well?

[Batya33]

I don't think he sees what you had the way you see what you had so he thinks it's fine to keep in touch since you work together and were friends, in addition to dating from time to time. I also think that in part you're idealizing the memory of the chemistry because you can't have him right now. You do have a choice as to whether to let someone else in. It's fine if you choose not to, of course.

[rapunzel]

He barely acknowledged me the night he brought her to our show, he would not even look at me. Clearly he recognized it was an awkward uncomfortable situation.

 

Agree he had nowhere near the depth of feeling that I had for him but I can't imagine that he would not garner that I must feel some level of discomfort at being around his new woman and/or socializing together! He endured such pain when he learned his ex was dating and he did not have to see it with his own eyes. But perhaps he is so self involved that he does not truly consider or care how I might feel.

 

I do want to let someone else in, I just think it will be harder having to have continual contact with him. Also, in another email yesterday he is proposing being the bandleader, as we don't really have one. This will place me in a somewhat subordinate position which makes me even more uncomfortable. The man I used to be intimate with would now be issuing orders to me.

[Batya33]

Reread your post and see how much speculation there is as to what must or should be going on in his head. You have no idea why he avoided you - it could just as easily have been for no particular reason, or for the benefit of his date (i.e. if she found out the two of you had dated or hooked up in the past she might be uncomfortable with being around you). You have no idea if he has ever analogized his situation with his ex with the situation with you. That is your opinion, your projection - and it doesn't mean he is self-involved. For example, I've received an email from time to time from a long ago "ex" (we dated for a few months) where he says that he wonders if we could have ever worked out, that it was just bad timing, etc. I am not self-involved but I can't really relate to his holding on to our brief relationship all these years - or if I can, I knew back then we weren't a great match and didn't "pine" as he did.

 

I am sorry you two did not want the same things with each other and that you happen to be in the same band but if you quit the band you won't have to deal with this, right?

[itsallgrand]

How important is being in the particular band to you? If it's really really important, I think you could find a way to do this.

 

If it's not all that big a deal in the scheme of things, you could just move on to bigger pastures.

 

Going in, you must have known somewhere in your mind that there was a chance that something like this could come up. Dating a band member can get messy. Bands split up, get re-arranged, people leave.

 

Mentioning that not to slap you on the wrist for taking the chance, but maybe to bring back to mind some of the ideas you might have had floating in your brain as to what you might do as an alternative if the two of you broke up.

 

If you stick around, well I'd just force myself to think of him as another member of the band and nothing more. Easier said than done? Well, maybe. But it's a strange satisfaction not playing into other people's drama (oh the legends of musicians drama making! lol).

 

You are your own person. Make it on your own merits and not on what he is doing or not and you will be fine.

 

tc.

[rapunzel]

Yes, his ignoring me very possibly was for the benefit of his date but the fact that he did not say hello to me when he greeted the person next to me, did not talk to me the entire evening...shows he was cognizant of the awkwardness of the situation.

 

No I don't know if he has compared his painful feelings/depression when he learned his ex moved one to how I might feel in this situation. He may not have but I think he is sensitive enough to realize that to actually see the person that dumped you bringing another partner around, touching, kissing, holding hands, HAS to have some impact.

 

We are ALL self involved to some degree. He is an exceedingly handsome man who is very talented...I'm sure he has been told all his life (I witnessed it a few times) how good looking he is and he knows it to some extent.

 

Whatever, the bottom line is he is with someone else and I'm probably just a tiny blip on his radar. Perhaps he hasn't given much thought to it at all as he is in the throes of a budding new relationship. During those giddy times people don't usually worry about what their exes are thinking and feeling. Yes, this is speculation.

[rapunzel]

It is important, or it has been important...it has gotten me out of the house, kept me musically involved and it is a social outlet as well. Honestly, there are no bigger pastures for me to move on to.

 

I did consider the consequences and even mentioned it to him before we became involved, but we both got caught up in it. Logic gets thrown out the window.

 

Yeah, I've tried looking at this from different angles. For a while it helps and I feel OK but then I fall back into the traps of thinking that I can't handle it and it's going to SUCK watching him develop a relationship with another woman. Friends keep reminding me that it may not last with her but that doesn't matter.

 

I know a lot of this problem is my own line of thinking, and not recognizing my own worth and value. I have given him way too much power over me. I have put myself down continually - I'm too old, not attractive enough for him, I made too many mistakes, said this or that, should not have done this or that. This is a problem I've been battling my whole life. Perhaps this is a challenge presented to me to finally confront and overcome this issue.

[Batya33]

My point is that all this speculation and analysis is a waste of time and is far more the reason why you are having trouble connecting with others than your physical attraction to him.

[itsallgrand]

Well R, maybe this is a good time for you to branch out in your own right musically then? Just an idea.

 

There are always tonnes of bands, people, events to get involved with or start.

 

Maybe time to start giving yourself more credit!

 

good luck.

[rapunzel]

Good point, I know speculation IS a waste of time. I'm just trying to process this situation and figure out HOW to proceed. What is BEST for me? This is where I'm stuck....

 

Also don't exactly have oodles of men to choose from, at 47, they don't come out of the woodwork. Tried online dating, and it's exhausting. I'm not sure I'm up for it right now.

[Casey13]

It is very possible and I have done it in a situation where I was studying in university in England and dated a girl who was in almost all my classes for a year and a half following our break-up in addition who also shared the same circle of friends as me. Although it may seem tough rignt now in the long run i found it to be good exercise to make you stronger. Your still lingering feelings for him contribute to your physical attraction for him and this will fade over time. As early as possible try and find yourself someone new it doesnt have to be anything serious but perhaps get dating again or develop some new friendships with other guys. This will help take your mind off of him and speed up the recovery process. Be sure not to use someone else as a rebound in a blind fashion to them and hurt other people as a process but be honest with yourself and with others you meet and fill his void with others. At first this may seem a little weird or tough as your mind will still linger towards him but in due time your feelings will diminish and start developing for someone new. When you reach that point you will not only feel good about getting over your ex but feel very strong minded that you managed to do it while in contact with him. You are already a step ahead as your are not in any deniial about the break up with no illusions of getting back together which many people dont have immediately post break up. Time and new connections will get you there and it can be done.

[rapunzel]

Thank you Casey -

 

We have been broken up since September but I've had continual contact with him since then. I have no illusions as I know he is dead set on finding a younger woman by at least 7-15 years from his age, which apparently he has found.

 

I guess it will make me stronger, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

 

I have put my ad on another dating site, just for the heck of it. We'll see what happens. I prefer real life meetings, I think the on line thing is a crap shoot and an exhausting process.

[Casey13]

The trick rapunzel is fully understanding that this pain and withdrawal from him is temporary and one that all of us go through in life at one point or another sometimes multiple times. Keep yourslef especially your mind busy and stimulated with other things, meeting new people works best and let the time do the rest of its healing. Once its all over you will be stronger than you are now and better equipped to enter a new relationship with someone whio is better than him for you and let me tell you that youll be 10 steps ahead than where you started even before him

[CatsMeeoow]

I think in all fairness to your ex R is that you have never told him how hurt you were the first time things ended and then the second. You've been soooo busy acting "as if" and putting on the persona to him that you are fine and moving on it's only natural that he would assume that to be correct. How can he give your feelings credit or consideration when he is not aware of them?

 

Personally R if I were you I would approach your ex directly and tell him how awkward you've been feeling. Sure it's putting yourself out there and it isn't going to bring him back but it may level the playing field a bit. Having a cleansing talk like that may help ease some of your anxieties around him and help you move on.

 

I just hate to see you keep torturing yourself after all this time....

 

HUGS!

[Kraven]

I have to work with my ex 2 days every week. I try to keep my distance from her without being too hostile. It doesn't help that she seems to always come to me when she needs help with something. I just help her if I can and then just get back to doing something else. She still flirts with me occasionally even after I told her that we can't be friends. It's really weird to be honest and it causes me to struggle to keep the distance. In the end, I think I'll get stronger

[rapunzel]

Well after reading all the posts on this board I was convinced I should never let him know how I feel. He knows my feelings were hurt, I did not cry, or beg or plead but he had to have known that my feelings were hurt. I told him I thought we had a rare connection and he dumped me - how could that not hurt? Everyone counseled that you never let the dumper know how much he/she hurt you so that's what I went for. I figured it was the only way I could work with him anyway. how could I face him and be sad, awkward, or whatever. I had to put on a game face in order to get through it.

 

Some others have counseled I talk to him as well. Perhaps I will although I don't think it will make me feel much better. Our bandmate has told me not to as he thinks it will just bolster his ego.

[Batya33]

I don't think you were dumped. He simply decided that he wasn't interested anymore in going on dates with you or being physically intimate. He also knew from your actions that despite feeling this rare connection you were willing to date him casually -- and at least to me, when people date casually, there's no real "break up", you just see each other while it's fun/enjoyable and then stop making plans when it's not as fun/enjoyable, or for whatever reason. I understand you had serious feelings for him, but you agreed to a no strings attached arrangement which has its downsides (not saying that was a mistake on your part, just noting that you agreed to that).

[rapunzel]

No, we were dating each other only. It was not a "no strings attached"arrangement but I did not pressure him for "where was this going" it had not been long enough and it did not seem appropriate to do that. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for over 3 months, that's not very casual in my opinion. I agree that I was much more involved emotionally. I also agree that it was dumb of me to get involved with him after he told me he was not over his ex. That was just plain short sighted. But we did have a relationship, he referred to our relationship as a "relationship".

 

So how was I not dumped?

[Batya33]

No, we were dating each other only. It was not a "no strings attached"arrangement but I did not pressure him for "where was this going" it had not been long enough and it did not seem appropriate to do that. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for over 3 months, that's not very casual in my opinion. I agree that I was much more involved emotionally. I also agree that it was dumb of me to get involved with him after he told me he was not over his ex. That was just plain short sighted. But we did have a relationship, he referred to our relationship as a "relationship".

 

So how was I not dumped?

 

But was he allowed to date others if he wanted as opposed to it just happening to be the case that he wasn't dating anyone else? To me three months is not a long time especially if he was telling you that he was not interested in or able to be in a committed relationship with you -- since he knew you were available and interested then he knew you knew that the relationship had a short shelf life without real potential for a future.

 

I wasn't aware that he saw it as a relationship from what you have written before - seemed to be far more casual than that - just the two of you going on a date or hanging out when you felt like it. Not disputing what you wrote above just that was not the impression you gave in your posts.

[rapunzel]

No, we were intimate and it was understood by things we both communicated that we were not dating others and/or sleeping with others.

 

I agree it was not a long time, it was 3.5 months now that I think about it. He did not tell me he could not commit or did not want it to continue until he broke up with me. He even said that night that he broke up with me that "NOTHING in him wanted this to be 'it'" when I asked him "so this is it?" He did tell me in the beginning he wasn't completely over his ex and he was depressed a lot of the time. I chose to proceed anyway which was definitely a big mistake on my part.

[wheretonow]

Good point, I know speculation IS a waste of time. I'm just trying to process this situation and figure out HOW to proceed. What is BEST for me? This is where I'm stuck....

 

Also don't exactly have oodles of men to choose from, at 47, they don't come out of the woodwork. Tried online dating, and it's exhausting. I'm not sure I'm up for it right now.

 

Hey, I'm 47 too ;-) Hiya sister!

[Batya33]

No, we were intimate and it was understood by things we both communicated that we were not dating others and/or sleeping with others.

 

I agree it was not a long time, it was 3.5 months now that I think about it. He did not tell me he could not commit or did not want it to continue until he broke up with me. He even said that night that he broke up with me that "NOTHING in him wanted this to be 'it'" when I asked him "so this is it?" He did tell me in the beginning he wasn't completely over his ex and he was depressed a lot of the time. I chose to proceed anyway which was definitely a big mistake on my part.

 

OK I understand, I wasn't aware of that and once again I am sorry things didn't work out.

[rapunzel]

No problem.

 

I know someday I'll look back and this will be a mere blip but right now it is just consuming me. I just have a feeling this is going to be a serious relationship with this new person, I know I should not project but I have a feeling. He's had more than 6 months away from his last ex that he wasn't over. I guess he really felt nothing much for me, and that just hurts. And I did allow it to happen when I should have been smarter and known it was not a good situation for me AT ALL. I helped prepare him for his current relationship, I was just a stepping stone and was used. It hurts.

 

So I'll have to muster up courage and I'll go tomorrow, see how it feels and if it's unbearable then I'll know in my gut what to do.

 

I still don't understand why he would invite me on a group outing...that still just blows my mind. Maybe he has NO IDEA how I feel.

[Batya33]

I am sorry it is consuming you. I would do whatever it takes to distract yourself from the what ifs about the person he is seeing now, and why he included you on a group email because all that's going to do is impede your progress and it won't give you any new information. Even if you heard that he ended things with this woman tomorrow, obviously he could start dating someone else the next day, for example.

[rapunzel]

He knew I was hurt both times. Just because I did not cry, pursue him or contact him does not mean he could not see that I was hurt.

 

I think this will just make me feel more vulnerable. If he does something really insensitive, I will talk to him. I think he felt he had to invite me on the group invite...although I still can't fathom why he can't just call up a few select friends rather than cast this huge wide net for people and include me in the list. What if I was the only one to accept?

 

I am not looking forward to the rehearsal tonight but I think I have to go and just see how it feels. If it feels awful, then I'll have to make a decision. If I get the right mindset, I may be able to just see past this, accept that it is just something that happened, it is in the past, it is OVER, has been over for a long time and he is NEVER coming back and thus I view him as just a colleague. I can't change what happened in the past and it does me no good to wallow in it and blame myself and find fault with myself.

 

I will be grateful that he let me go sooner rather than later, and I'm free to be open to finding the right person for me. He is clearly not the right person, never was and never will be.