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Thoughts... in words -- despair


Dark_eyes87
Healing Depression - Positive Affir...
Healing Depression - Positive Affirmation and Inspiration

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Each day of my life is a struggle to get through, and each night I pray I will not have to wake up and deal with it again.

 

Why? I see no reason for why I am here. I while away my worthless hours alone in my room, listening to my housemates share their lives with their partners and friends. This time alone gives me too much time inside my own head, and I am consumed by it.

 

I have reached the point where I am reluctant to go outside. I used to want to get out, to have a life and be somebody. I did try for a while to do that, to avoid falling off the edge. But now, when I have to leave my room I become anxious, self-conscious and paranoid. I feel that everyone watches me, and knows what a 'nothing' I am, so I avoid it.

 

On the rare occasions that I try to reach out to someone for contact, I invariably get turned down, rejected, and this makes the feeling of loneliness worse. It's a never ending spiral.

 

When I socialise, which is becoming less and less often, I have to put on a mask. Try to hide the overwhelming anxiousness, awkwardness and paranoia that I feel around people. I often use drink for this, which works well, people prefer me that way - uninhibited and social; how society expects a 21 year old to act, and for a brief moment I feel accepted.

 

I cry myself to sleep most nights, quietly, not to arouse suspicion. Until recently I didn't realise this, but I don't have anyone I can talk to. The one person I sometimes email about my feelings, who lives half way accross the world from me now, doesn't tend to reply anymore. This person was my last lifeline - the only one who understood me, knew me, and who loved me for what I was. Without them the outlook is so much darker, they are slipping away, and I don't know how to stop it. I try to contact friends from home (I live at university/college), but they rarely reply either. My small family aren't really part of my life, living away from them, they don't know me. They have their own lives without me now, and they think I do too.

 

I feel like there is no way out - the less contact I have, the more I am trapped in my own head, and the negativity repels people. One by one, my 'friends' are disappearing, repelled. They have also found partners to rely upon completely now, so my role as a friend is no longer needed.

 

The few friends I used to rely on are gone. Some new people are in my life, but they are not good, they are dishonest and try to tempt me into doing wrong. I don't want to do wrong but it's all I have - a brief spell of a feeling of closeness, then worthlessness.

 

I am alone in this world, and I can't cope with being alone. I hope for the end everyday, by some accident, but it never comes. I do not have the strength or courage to do it myself. I consider making myself feel pain physically so the emotional pain will subside, if only for a while. The urge grows stronger every second of every day, curiousness, intrigue in how I would feel, if it would stop the pain. But I don't want anything to show, I don't want anyone to see me in this void and take pity.

 

My external life is beginning to suffer, my studies mainly. I worry that I will fail that too, then I will have nothing left, no future at all to grasp onto. I cannot concentrate, hard as I try. I test my body, see how long I can go without nourishment, then over indulge to try and fill the hole. I have unexplained pains in my body, but it's a welcome distraction from my thoughts.

 

I try to pull myself out, to gain a life back and become a person - activities, socialising, studies, but nothing helps. I find it difficult to try when I don't have anyone or anything to help me get out, I'm too weak to do it alone. I like to read, it is a source of solitude and escape to another world. I consider writing or channelling my emotions by some means, but don't know how - keeping a journal, somewhere to express myself to get the feelings out of me, since I can't share with anyone. But I fear someone would find it.

 

This forum - the anonymity, no fear of retribution, is a brief spell of release, of hope, that someone else might understand. I write this not for the reader's pity, or attacks on the 'self-pity' attitude that may unintentionally come accross... but to 'rid' myself of these thoughts, compose my thoughts into words, in the hope that I might find the strength I need to escape.

 

I want to find a way out, I have to, one way or the other - to end the immediate pain, or to fight the long road ahead and eventually become free. I can't struggle on in this.... nothingness, this pain, for much longer.

 

 

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow"

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No I haven't ever been on antidepressants. I am EXTREMELY up and down with these feelings, that above post being at my lowest. That's also why I'm reluctant to go to a counselor, I have thought about it and I think it might be worth a try, because I do want to help myself get out of this, I really do. I don't know if I would have the courage to go and do it though. I just feel depressed because I feel completely alone and I don't have much of a life ahead of me, like no-one would even notice if I was gone.

 

Thanks for replying, I appreciate your advice.

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No I haven't ever been on antidepressants. I am EXTREMELY up and down with these feelings, that above post being at my lowest. That's also why I'm reluctant to go to a counselor, I have thought about it and I think it might be worth a try, because I do want to help myself get out of this, I really do. I don't know if I would have the courage to go and do it though. I just feel depressed because I feel completely alone and I don't have much of a life ahead of me, like no-one would even notice if I was gone.

 

Thanks for replying, I appreciate your advice.

 

The liberating thing about having nothing is that you've got nothing to lose. It can only get better, so make the effort to speak with a counselor. They've been trained to help people through this, and they've seen it hundreds of times--you're not some freak, it only feels that way right now. You're not alone, you're part of a struggling race of frightened human animals, and we're all just doing the best we know how at any given moment. Meet with someone who can give you more 'know how' and don't get hung up on how you sound or look or anything else that doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters right now is climbing out of the pit. You'll thank yourself for taking the help to stand on higher ground. You'll understand compassion like you've never known it before, and it will serve you well when you help the next person through their time.

 

In your corner.

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I agree with the previous post and think seeing someone is the very best idea. "Psychologists" can give you advice and counseling, and "Psychiatrists" can prescribe drugs to help you deal with it. Please don't think there's anything wrong with you; your simply human like everyone else and what your experiencing sounds like normal everyday depression. You would be surprised at how many people are on some sort of antidepressant.

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How about a religious person? (only because I don't want to mix up the terms like "father", "priest", etc.)

NOTE: I'm asking here, not suggesting it. I'm kinda tempted to try.

 

I am not specifically a religious person (I'm agnostic - none in particular, not sure), and I know I'll get the usual religious stuff too; I went to a religious school so I kinda know what to expect. But just that as part of the whole community thing, they say stuff like being people to come to for whatever, including as they put it "a sympathetic ear".

(A "professional" just seems so formal and from a personal point of view, conceding defeat?)

 

No I haven't ever been on antidepressants. I am EXTREMELY up and down with these feelings, that above post being at my lowest. That's also why I'm reluctant to go to a counselor, I have thought about it and I think it might be worth a try, because I do want to help myself get out of this, I really do. I don't know if I would have the courage to go and do it though. I just feel depressed because I feel completely alone and I don't have much of a life ahead of me, like no-one would even notice if I was gone.

 

Thanks for replying, I appreciate your advice.

 

yup, I'm having these moments daily almost, every sentence. At times I get a bit of determination, growing other times is the whole despair thing. I say growing because it does feel like I'm losing the war so-to-speak.

Nevertheless good luck, hope you are doing better than me.

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