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perplexing break up -- now what?


Jamilah22

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well, I have not posted on this forum in a while, whether for myself or others, but I was thinking of the last time I actually got some good advice, and these forums are something else, I'll tell you.

 

Here's the story:

 

I had a TA at college (I am 21, so is he) for all of last semester (fall 2008). I developed a crush on him and wanted to get to know him. He mentioned near the end of class that he wanted me to take his class next semester, too. Well, on the last day of class I threw caution to the wind and gave him my number, which shocked him, pleasantly. He called a few days later. We went out for some drinks and it went verrrrrry well. Saw each other one more time before xmas break, which also went great, and then I went home (I live in NY, go to college in VA) for a month. We spoke every day over break, it was so nice to have that contact and feel close even though we were so far.

 

once back at school we started seeing each other a lot, almost every day or at least talking every day. Then after not even four full weeks of real dating, he comes to me out of the blue and breaks up with me. I am looking at text messages from him from as little as one week earlier where he was all smiles, which does not align AT ALL with how he was feeling only six days later. I am so perplexed by this.

 

(when he dumped me) He said there are things about my personality that agitate things he does not like about himself. I am so confused by his explantion of things. ...

 

He went from saying I AM definitely gf material, that he wants me (but not in the right way), that he is attracted me (emotionally, physically, sexually) but something is missing, that I am all these great things, but that I am not good for where he is in his life and that his head is a mess and he does not want to lose me but that "he has taken a lot of people down with him, and he is scared to death to do that to me" ... he also admitted to having big trust issues, which I suspected a hint of, but ...

 

I asked at one point "so you do not want to be in a relationship with anyone, or with me" and he responded "a little bit of both".

 

I am doing bad though. I want to call him so badly, but I think it is a poor idea bc I think it will only lead to me getting hurt I believe.

 

He says he does want to remain friends and I believe he means it bc he is friends with a few of his ex'es. when dumping me he asked if I thought I could do that and I said "no bc I would have trouble distingusing what I wanted him to be with me (a bf) and what he really was (someone who simply does not want me anymore)". I feel like after only a few weeks, it just is not fair that he won't give me the same chance he has given other girls. Am I so unlikeable? Why them, and not me? I mean everyone has their baggage and no one is without flaws, why won't he accept the not so wonderful little quirks about me, that I have accepted of him? He said I do not feel like "home" to him and that our relationship would have ended badly no matter when it ended and that he had internalized a lot of the times when he felt angry or resentful towards me. I do not know what I did though! I mean sure I complain sometimes and he saw me get a bit upset once after something one of my roommates did but, heck, expressing anger or upset is a heck of a lot healthier than internalizing it, no? He says this has happened to him before with other girls, but why? Is he scared of being neglected or unloved? bc I really care about him!

 

Side note: he also told me that he stopped taking his antidepressants four days before he dumped me. He actually started crying at one point during our break up saying to himself "I am such an * * * * * * * , I am such a piece of * * * * " (about himself). I started comforting him then realized what I was doing and stopped, I mean this is the same guy who just dumped me!

 

I really miss him and need to know if there is still hope for us, should I call? I feel like his head might be clearer now and I really just want to have another talk where I am not crying and he is not feeling so emotionally disheveled.

 

Thanks to all who read this whole thing. sry it is so long!

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It sounds like he was unstable when he broke up with you. It may not be what he really wanted at all. Is he back on the medication? Has he consulted a doctor? This is one of those cases where the best thing would be to set your relationship concerns aside for a little while so you can find out if he is all right.

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Well he says he "just does not want to be on a pill anymore"

 

I said maybe the pill he was using perhaps was not working well bc it was not right for him, but there are many different types and finding one that will work for him could make things a lot easier. And he deserves that.

 

And, of course, my first hope with him is to know he is ok. I want to call him so badly, I care about him and it makes me unhappy knowing he is having such a hard time. I just feel like trying to be there for him might make me look pathetic or like I am chasing after him. I mean caring about him is more important to me than how it makes me appear, but the thought has still crossed my mind.

 

I do not know what to do now.

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