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Ex boyfriend says he wants to be with me, but can't? Sent me v-day gift!


Cakez
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Hello everyone. I've been coming to these forums for about two weeks. It keeps popping up when I Google advice. ;p But this circumstance doesn't yield many results, so I'd like to tell you about it and hope you can share your insight.

 

I was with this guy for a year. I am truly in love with him, and he is in love with me. Initially, we met online, then we moved our relationship to physical when I flew out to be with him. I still live in California, and he in Illinois. A handful of weeks ago, he broke up with me because it was his turn to fly out and he was too afraid to do it. Ever since then he has insisted on being "friends" and keeps saying things such as "I want you to love me" and "I still want to be with you". He still tells me that he loves me sometimes, as well. He even sent me a Valentines Day gift.

 

I still want to be with him and would gladly accept him back as my lover if he asked me. But, he said that he can't be with me. He's given various reasons to the effect of "you're too good for me" and saying that he's too bad for me. He has also alluded to the idea that the distance suddenly poses too much of a problem.

 

What I don't understand is what he's thinking. I know that he wants to be with me because he says it every time we talk about it. I'm being given all of these reasons for why he can't, but it still seems like he's not telling me something. He's twenty-two and still lives with his mother, and she quite despises me (without reason) because she is one of those "Everybody Loves Raymond" mothers. I'm wondering if there are other people telling him what to do, or if it's his own insecurity as a boyfriend (since this was his first relationship) holding him back.

 

What should I do in this situation?

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No, I've been to his house. I met his entire family and all of his friends (he wanted to show me off). When we talk, we do it on audio and webcam. I know for certain where he lives and with whom.

 

He's not a very brave person in general. He is scared to drive anywhere outside of his city (a small town of at most 7k people). He's never flown, so the plane scared him. After a few days where we didn't talk, he bought the ticket, but he didn't have enough money for the trip itself so I told him not to come. His mother then cancelled the ticket for him. (He gave me screen caps, and the ticket's reference number so I could check myself.)

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It doesn't matter what his reasonings are, if he's not with you, he's not with you and you need to treat this like any other breakup.

 

 

I'd send back the Valentine's day gift.

 

I'm harsh but I don't play around, especially when the person insists on playing the game with my feelings and not telling me what the rules are.

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Hey Cakez....Your guy is giving way too many reasons for not wanting to be with you and they are all very lame. "You're too good for me"? Is he serious? And how very convenient for him to break up with after the relationship became physical. I don't think anyone's telling him what to do, this guy knows exactly what he's doing. I hate to break it you but it sounds like he's playing you. Don't be a glutton for punishment babe. Kiss this frog goodbye, thank him and find somebody you're not too good for. He is wasting your time.

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It doesn't matter what his reasonings are, if he's not with you, he's not with you and you need to treat this like any other breakup.

 

 

I'd send back the Valentine's day gift.

 

I'm harsh but I don't play around, especially when the person insists on playing the game with my feelings and not telling me what the rules are.

 

I completely second this.

 

He's messing with you. Maybe not intentionally, or from a cruel place, but he's messing with you and it's not fair.

 

IMO, he likes the idea of having you sitting around somewhere mooning over him while he gets on with his life.

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If that were the case, why couldn't he tell her those reasons?

 

you would have to ask him that, but when someone suffers from a mental issues such as anxiety, it's not something you really like to share with others.

 

I have horrible panic attacks and there was a time I could not venture too far and I also can't fly anymore b/c of severe panic attacks, so if I met some dude that lived too far, I would prob not be able to get on a plane, no matter how BAD I wanted to be with him.

 

I'm guessing none of you have ever suffered a panic disorder.

 

He's not playing you IF he in fact is suffering from panic.

If he's not and just can't be bothered to travel, then he's a waste of time.

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I think you would benefit from telling him that you need space. Right now this situation can only lead to hurt feelings for you. He may not intend to hurt you, but if that is what he is doing, you need to separate yourself from that contact.

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Well, I finally got him to put it very bluntly to me. The reason he said that he cannot be with me is because his mother hates me. He still lives with her (at twenty-two) and does not plan on moving out any time in the future. He said that he would love to be with me, but he does care what his mother thinks.

 

I told him that she will just hate any girl that he dates. He has told me many times in the past that I'm the only girl he could ever love (along with things about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me), but this time he said that it's okay because he's never going to date another girl anyway.

 

So, short and simple: it's like those nerd horror stories you hear about, laugh at, and don't think ~really~ happen because nobody could be that much of a basement-dwelling uber nerd.

 

So, kudos reality, you're an epic troll. The LOL's on me.

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Honestly, I think that if he really wanted to be with you, he would, regardless of what his mom thought. I believe he'd find a way. It would motivate him to move out of her place and make his own way because you would be too important for him to lose. I don't put much stock into people making broad sweeping declarations about what the future will hold. In terms of him dating, yes, he probably will again. He's 22 and he has his whole life ahead of him. He may not realize that right now, but he does. I think he's full of b.s. but that's just me...I'm very skeptical when people make statements like the ones he has, unless there is some sort of cultural issue where the person will be disowned by their entire family if they get serious with a particular person--but if that's not the case, I find it very suspicious that he would not date you even if he really wanted to just because of what his mom thinks.

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