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Should his past be a problem?


naomi808

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Hey guys

 

Feel a bit weird writing this... I've never posted anything on a site like this before, but I've been dwelling on this for the whole of today and could do with getting somebody's perspective...

 

Basically, I've been with my boyfriend now for just over 6months. I'm 20, nearly 21, and he is 31, so there's a bit of an age gap which we were both a bit concerned about at first, but it hasn't turned out to be a problem at all. Right from the start I knew it was very different to relationships I've had in the past, and he said the same. We are very much in love, and I've even started hoping it might turn out to be a long-term thing- he is looking to settle down and in a few years once my life is a bit more settled I think I will be ready too. We clicked right from the beginning and have spent a lot of time together so I feel like I know him really well.

 

Last night though I was over his and we were chatting about our past etc etc... kinda just having a laugh about particular things we'd done etc. He usually doesn't go into his past relationships much, but I'm aware he had a relationship that lasted 8years (which finished 3years ago) which ended because she met someone else and so had cheated on him. It took me a little while to become get over the fact that he'd had such a long term thing but i figure relationships end for a reason and I feel pretty confident that he's happy with me. Anyway, back to the conversation last night... he was talking about a girl he had dated just after his long-term girlfriend had left him. He only saw her for about a month, but they had sex in an alley in town one night after a lot of alcohol, AND she was getting married to someone else.

 

The alley thing shocked me enough- I know there are plenty of people who do things like that, but I didn't really think it was the kind of thing he'd do. The thing I found harder to come to terms with was the fact that he'd known she was engaged. I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 years who cheated on me repeatedly, and it does not feel nice to be the one on the receiving end... and i thought he would know that given he'd just been the partner who'd been cheated on. But there he was, a couple of weeks later, doing exactly the same thing to another guy. Just because you're not in a relationship, doesn't mean sleeping with someone who is makes u any less guilty. I didn't say too much last night, because he clearly knew it had been a mistake and things.. but ever since, I just keep thinking about him and that girl in an alley. I know he must have been hurting a lot because of his ex cheating on him, but I'm just finding it hard to come to terms with.

 

Am i being unreasonable though? I guess it was in his past (altho he would have been about 27/28 so still old enough to know better) and it's not really anything to do with me. I know he would never cheat, and he has been the perfect boyfriend other than that. Guess maybe it was just a bit of a shock...

 

Could really do with someone to calm me down lol

 

I really don't want it to ruin our valentine's day too... so think I need to just get over it... :S

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Meh, let it go.

 

My SO was in a long term relationship prior to ours.

The night I met him, he had a one night stand with a girl, who's boyfriend was AT the party in the other room. He knew, she knew, they still did it.

 

At first, it did put me off a little and I was VERY guarded because I thought he was a 'typical college' guy.

 

But, guess what? It was a one time thing. He was 23-24 at the time, certainly knew better, but he had said he had only known his ex, the only person he slept with and he had to know if a one night stand was what it was cracked up to be, and he had the chance. Boyfriend or not, he slept with her.

 

We've been together almost 5 perfect years. I never question anything quite frankly. He's amazing, so open and honest and trustworthy, he proves his love for me daily and is never less than stellar. He 'slipped' up once with the one night stand, had the chance to experience another woman in the form of a one time ordeal because he was curious, and he learned that he can only have sex with emotional ties. He would never cheat on me, and I know that for a fact, and trust him. If anything, him doing that between his last relationship and our relationship has made what we have even better because he knows that being with someone else isn't worth it..and a one night stand is crap.

 

People do things for alot of reasons. He had his reasons most likely, but I don't think its an indication or cause for concern.

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One thing I have realized is that people are disappointing...you expect that they would have the good sense not to do rash, stupid things that can cause a huge amount of pain to others and that they would behave in a morally upright fashion with integrity...what I have realized is very few people have always conducted themselves in that manner and there always seems to be skeletons in someone's closet that are not so pleasing to learn. Well, the skeleton is now out of his closet and now you can see him in all his glory...the good AND the bad. If you love him, and he regrets his rash, foolish behaviour of the past and knows that is not the kind of person he wants to be..."sneaking almost married sally through the alley" (Robert Palmer song, "sneaking sally through the alley"), then you need to let it go and look at who he is today and how he treats you.

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Hey there, Naomi. Welcome to ENA! I completely understand why you would feel weirded out by this, but I also agree with the others that I think it's going to be ok.

 

It's smarmy, for sure...and I think it's worse because it comes with such a strong visual image! Sex in a dark alley...mmm...not what you want to imagine your guy doing with ANY other woman, let alone an engaged one!

 

It's true that almost everyone eventually accumulates a skeleton or two, especially around the edges of a rough breakup. Sometimes our thinking just goes a little haywire and we behave in ways that are really at odds with our basic pesonality and values. The guys who are the safest bets are the ones who--IF they've done something like this--recognize it as 'off' and regret it, and learn from it. It sounds like your guy is in this camp. He told you because he trusts you and wants you to know his darker side, and that's almost a tribute. (I don't want to get carried away, though--if you learn next week that he had sex with his best friend's wife at their wedding, all bets are off!)

 

Process this, but then try to let it go. Hang in there.

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What do you mean slipped up once? How far did it go?

 

Oh NO NO. He didn't cheat on me or slipped up with us. That's not what I was implying. I meant slipped up as doing something out of character for HIM. When I got to know him, I realized that the one night stand was out of character and just not who he is. What happened before us being in a relationship is irrelevant for us. If anything, his one night stand has just made him a better person in a relationship because he's experienced both a committed relationship and a one night stand, and loves the long term committed relationship more.

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