r3ni Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 My girlfriend of ~9 months cheated on me. Several months into our relationship she told me she had been seeing someone else but ended it with them because she wanted to be exclusive with me. I was already under the impression that we were exclusive, but we hadn't explicitly discussed it so I didn't hold it against her. Then a few months later I discovered she was cheating on me with this same guy. I was really * * * * ed up by this, but after about a week of not talking we had a long conversation and the end result was that I would give her another chance. Things went pretty well, she went to therapy for awhile and did a lot of hard work to regain my trust. About a month ago I realized that I trusted her again and I forgave her. During the few months she was earning back my trust she decided she should trust herself again and thus it was OK to be friends with him. Around the same time I realized I could trust her again and forgave her he made a play to get her back. She was tempted and they kissed. Blah blah blah. She told me about it soon after and that it made her realize she was finally really over him and there was no chance of ever going back to him, she loved him but she could never cheat on me again and she couldn't leave me for him. She wants to keep being the guys friend and to hang out with him. Alone. How would you feel about this situation? Link to comment
addictedblue Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Past actions predict future actions. People don't really change that much very fast. If she has cheated on you with him twice and you've taken her back both times, then she's going to just do it again. It would be different if she was going to alienate this guy from her life, but you said she wants to hang out with him "as friends" alone?? I would definitely break up with her. It doesn't seem like she cares about you at all. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 This is the biggest bunch of BS I heard lately.. come hon, please stop letting her use you as a doormat....darn this irks me....your so very sweet to have given this wishy washy girl a second chance...one time would have done it for me. 'SHE SAID SHE STILL LOVES HIM"... AND SHE WANTS TO HANG WITH HIM WITHOUT YOU?? Not in a million years! Link to comment
top bloke Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I think its time for a new woman champ.. She still wants to see the other guy who she was sleeping with..get the message ? Get rid of her and she can be someone elses problem.. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 If she was over him, she wouldn't want to hang out with him alone. Link to comment
lost1607307474 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Once a cheater, always a cheater - I really do believe this saying and I've experienced it first hand. She said she broke it off with him to be with you exclusively. But then she breaks that deal and goes to him again. She goes to therapy to sort herself out. But then she kisses him again. To be honest, I don't think she will ever be able to be entirely faithful in this situation. I am certain something will happen with her and this guy again. You probably deserve much better... Link to comment
abouttime Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Break it off with her. She is a cake eater. Be real frank with her. Tell her that "your obsession with keeping this guy around has shined a light on just what an incredible narcissist you are. Your love is greedy. You want all the commitment and none of the sacrifice" You may feel all in control when your ex boyfriend comes on to you continually. He obviously still loves you. I find it sadistic for you to keep stringing him along. And I will not hang around worrying about having a disagreement or an argument with you, only to find that you let the ex-boyfriend you keep in your back pocket screw you yet again, shattering my world. Your half hearted commitment to me, your making me a cuckold with this guy, your refusal to stop seeing him (in every way) has shined a light on want I don't want for my life.......You. You may now go and find another man who will accept your limited depth of love and commitment. Please don't call or contact me in any way." Link to comment
mechie22 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 It has only been 9 months and all this has happened already??? You can find 100 girls that will treat you this badly anyday, but this early in a relationship if you are having problems of this calibur and fidelity issues im scared to see what the future will bring. Just realllly think about what you want and need, do not put her above your needs in a relationship. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Are you kidding me? She is playing you like a chump.... I soooo would have kick her to the curb. Do you honestly, truly believe that she is over him? She wants to hang out with him alone? Tell her to go for it, because you are done with her. She can spend all the time she wants with him. She's a sleeze. Link to comment
Zumon Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 You have already given her too many chances and each time she has failed you, disrespected you and laughed. If you do not get rid of her now, it will do much worse to your self esteem. Don't be a doormat, she needs to be put in her place. Oh, don't forget to say goodbye to her for ever. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Find another girl that won't cheat on you. She even told you that she loved him and wants to still be friends with him???? Wow, how inconsiderate, it doesn't seem that she cares that much about you else she would have cut contact with him permanently. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. I know when you're in a marriage situation with kids and all, it's a lot easier said than done, and in my opinion, that's the only time there would MAYBE, MAYBE be a possibility to try and work it out, just because there's so much at stake. You have none of these things at stake. You have no children with her, you're not married. I don't see a reason to work this out. You have been together less than a year and she can't be faithful. That's nothing but trouble, and in my opinion, not worth the effort to save the relationship. Link to comment
blue69 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Only you can decide how to react to her actions. Many will say "always a cheater". I don't necessarily believe that. Love is a process. Again, if you decided to end it, I wouldn't blame ya. If you stick with her, then that is understandable too. Sometimes it is difficult to just walk away. We only know about her actions lately, you probably have more insight into her as a person. Does she bring positive energy into your life? Does she bring negative energy? Do you think a relationship with her will bring healthy, positive results to your life? As for her wanting to maintain a "relationship" with this guy. Sorry I really don't even think that should be an option. Sadly it shouldn't be you having to mandate this. It should be her decision / realization that with him around she isn't giving your relationship the right attention. This is the part that I would have a hard time accepting. Her inability to recognize this as a bad idea is concerning. Good luck Link to comment
xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 You are an incredible person to be able to forgive your girlfriend for cheating on you, not once, but twice.... but unfortunately, I predict a third time to come... "She wants to keep being the guys friend and to hang out with him. Alone." Eff that. really........ She hurt you twice and she should NOT want to ever see this other man again because of her past with him. If she really cared about you then she would not be able to even handle being around him. Trust me with that..... I feel sick to my stomach remembering my mistakes. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 You are kidding right? Seriously? Look man... Ill just be blunt. Shes a lying, cheating, * * * * * . Period, end of story. Sorry, I cheated, Sorry I cheated again, sorry I cheated again, I wont do it again, ok Im in love with this other guy, but I want you, sorry I cheated, no no were just watching movies (naked in bed) I wont cheat. Wise up bro, dump this girl. Look at it like this: Put your hand on a hot stove. Got burned right? Now do it again. Still burns doesnt it? Wanna try it again? Didnt think so. Link to comment
Jollybee23 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Sorry to hear your story. I don't think you should go back to this woman. Sounds like she's already had her third strike (that you know of) and that's just too many. She will be tempted again. If you decide to stay with her though there needs to be some rules in place and number 1 being that you will beak up with her if you ever catch her talking or emailing the other guy. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 You're getting played like a violin. I agree, time to find a new girlfriend. Link to comment
karvala Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 My girlfriend of ~9 months cheated on me. I discovered she was cheating on me with this same guy. she decided she should trust herself again and thus it was OK to be friends with him She was tempted and they kissed. she loved him She wants to keep being the guys friend and to hang out with him. Alone. How would you feel about this situation? Thank you and goodnight. Link to comment
abouttime Posted February 15, 2009 Share Posted February 15, 2009 How about an update. Did you curb her? She is a cake eater. She will eat it as long as you let her. She will justify the kiss by saying she is getting better control over herself. This time she only kissed him. Last time she screwed him. She will continue to see him. Link to comment
servedcold Posted February 15, 2009 Share Posted February 15, 2009 Agree with others and wanted to add something. Regardless of whether there has been an exclusivity talk, continuing to date and sleep with someone for several months while sleeping with someone else is wrong if not disclosed unless it was an understanding from the start. Don't let her use the lack of an official talk as justification for her earlier behavior. Link to comment
Mr. Brightside Posted February 15, 2009 Share Posted February 15, 2009 Everyone else pretty much summed up what you should do. I just wanted to add something: Around the same time I realized I could trust her again and forgave her he made a play to get her back. She was tempted and they kissed. Blah blah blah. You are in "ignore bad things and only look at slim signs of hope" mode! Don't just play her actions off as "blah blah blah." Just because she apologized for one act doesn't mean she can do it again and it is OK for you to ignore or downplay. She is playing you like a fiddle with no regard for your emotional or physical (STDs anyone?) health! Stop being a doormat and be a man. Put your foot down. You need to walk away from this disaster of a human being. The longer you continue to doormat yourself for her, the less respect she and anyone else who knows you will have for you! There are healthier people out there. You have better luck finding one of them and being happy before you are able to change this woman. Now get on with it! Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 15, 2009 Share Posted February 15, 2009 That is abosolutely the truth man. When a chick sees a guy who basically tucks tail and begs to be kept around, or begs for her to treat him right it just looks pathetic. It looks pathetic to him, to her, to the other guy, to anyone who sees it. Now you should never in a million years give this chick another chance. But just for the sake of discussion... if you came home tonight and said GET OUT im done with you, done with your cheating etc. etc. etc. she would have MORE respect for you than she does now. Granted she would probably be mad, but she would be mad at a man whom she at least knows has a spine. As opposed to disinterested and unattracted to a man with his tail between his legs. Link to comment
airmanswife Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I dont' think she deserves any more chances from you. She has proven that she will say what she knows you want to hear to keep you around. You are her back burner boyfriend. She is keeping you around cuz she knows you will take care of her. You need to leave her no account cheating a** and move on. *Once a cheater, always a cheater* Not always true. As a reformed cheater, I can attest that if you want something bad enough you will do whatever you have to do to get it. She obviously doesnt love you enough to stop. It's that simple. Link to comment
thistime Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 answer from a former cheater...NOPE dont let her hang out with him...she thinks she has you convinced, but i'm pretty sure it's an excuse to be with him. (thats what I did!). She probably hasnt stopped seeing him. i had my ex convinced for almost a year that I wasnt seeing anyone else...and that was a lie! Honey, I think you better let her go...she's cheating, and at this point in her life, I dont think she is ready to stop. Sorry to be so harsh, but it is first hand expirience...and she admitted she still loves him. do you think she can really hang out with him, and nOT sleep with him? BS!! Link to comment
Casey13 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 You have a lot of patience and a big heart forgiving her for this childish stupidity. I would have walked away long time ago, especially after the last kissing stunt. If you decide to stay do yourself a favor and tell her you want her never to have any contact with this guy again be it alone, in mixed settings, through phone or even through email. If she doesn't agree to that I would give her the middle finger, turn around and walk away. She is asking you to be able to spend alone time with a guy she cheated on you three times with and told you she still loves and you are asking what you should do? Give her a big NO for an answer and walk away if she is not okay with that Link to comment
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