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Confused and scared...


peechka

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Hi I have been married for the last 9 yrs. Im 35 soon to be 36. She is 37 soon to be 38. We dated for about 2 yrs, got married and had a good healthy relationship for the next 2-3 yrs after marrage. The rest we kind of lived like roomates. We had love for each other, had sex, but there was no deep love. I knew it and she knew it. But we had 2 kids by that time so we basically dealt with it. It was both of our faults, really.

 

I dont know where it went south, but I developed a gaming adddiction and she was pretty abrasive at times. Soon after the second child she became a whack. Screaming, not being able to control her emotions, very abrasive towards me. She attributed this to hormone imbalances afte the second child. And our first son was pretty difficult as well. I remember him basically crying for the entire first 2 months because of colic. It was stressful for both of us. Then she began to calm down but began drinking and smoking. I grew animosity towards her because of her abrasive nature and she grew animosity towards me because of my gaming and not being there for her like she wanted me to be. But we lived on...

 

We bought a new house around spring of 2007. I wanted to stay at my old one, I bought it from my parents when I was 23. Decent 1300sq foot house in a nice neighborhood. I put in a lot of work into it. Fixing the 2 bathrooms, the kitchen, new floors, a finished basement. IMO it was perfect for a family of four.But she was not happy with it. She wanted a house that SHE and I picked out both. A place that we could call ours, not mine. So I finally caved and decided to go for it. We sold our house for a pretty good price and decided on a 1900sq foot ranch about 4 miles away. But this house was expensive, way more than I should of really afforded at the time.

 

But I thought she was happy, she had her newer house. I started to fix the place like I did to the old one, not too much because we were broke, but we managed.

 

Then about six months later (late summer 2007) later she sat me down and told me that she was unhappy with me. And to be honest I was not the perfect husband. I stopped socializing, our relationship became sour etc. I still played the games at night. I knew then that this was probably not going to last. We talked about divorce but we had no out. She could not go by herself, she was a stay at home mom, she wanted the kids to stay there because they were in school and she wanted stability etc. It was better for us to just live together like we were.

 

At about this time she told me that she wanted to go out with fiends and such. I had no problem with it. I thought that since I was not a social person and she was she needed this outlet, especially being a stay at home mom. So about every other weekend she went out.

 

Then around the last weekend of January we had a fight on friday. We woke up in the morning on Saturday and started to clean the house together as the kids left for grandmas that morning. She told me that she wanted a divorce. She said the fight that Friday was the last straw. She then left and did not come back until Sunday afternoon.

 

When she came back she told me she wanted to work it out for the sake of the kids, just live together and see what we could salvage. I said fine and it was back to status quoe once again for that whole week. But then I asked if we could have sex together the next weekend and she denied me. We started to fight again and then she told me that she had feelings for another man, and thus could not have sex with me anymore. I was shocked and devastated. The next day she reveled that they did have sex together about 5 times but stopped six months ago. But I pried and pried some more and then she spilled her entire story. for the last year she was seeing him. But because he lived accross the state only once in a while. But old high school firiends. ey talked on the phone since 2004 and a friendship which developed into a love.

 

So here we are. Knowing what I know now the is no way to salvage this. But we have kids and the house that we cannot get rid of because we owe more than its worth. So we have to live together now and the worst of all is that she still has this dude on the side that she talks to and loves. What should I do? Move to my parents? I'm trying o be strong but I don't think I can live live with her knowing what I know.

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Once again I wonder why people dont get some councilling before its too late. I also have to wonder why she took the easy path? Man I am soo sorry for your situation. I am sorry you had to hear that she has someone else.. It probably is time to separate from each other and yes some legal advice.. Good luck...and give your kids a hug from me..

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Once again I wonder why people dont get some councilling before its too late. I also have to wonder why she took the easy path? Man I am soo sorry for your situation. I am sorry you had to hear that she has someone else.. It probably is time to separate from each other and yes some legal advice.. Good luck...and give your kids a hug from me..

 

It was my fault. I was a selfish * * * * * . But I definitely did not deserve this. And now im stuck where I am with no alternatives, really. Selling the house is not an option (losing 30K that I dont have) and she has no job and cannot work realisitcally because our younger son is still not in full time school. She could of at least kept this a lie until there was a way out. But IMO no thought went into this by her obviously.

 

She told me at all costs she wants to keep the house so the kids are not uprooted. I told her this is a pipe dream because I make 65K a year and barely scrape by, how is she going to do this? I dont care about the house or anything in it she can have it. But on the other hand im nto going to continue to pay for it.

 

I told her to go to her new love, but he is not willing to move here and she is not moving there. And quite honestly who in their right mind would accept an alcoholic wife with 2 kids with severe issues after the initial infatuation stage?

 

At least she has this dude to talk to.And she still does, 3 hours a day. And some of her other friends which probably talked her into this. All my firends are hers as well and she does not want them to know about her infidelity and I guess im too nice because I dont want to tell them to cause strife and more amimocity between us.

 

Im just confused. A lawyer will do what for me?

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Do not shoulder the blame yourself. There is plenty of blame to go around...she contributed to the breakdown of the marriage with her abrasiveness, acting out and drinking. The sad thing is that neither of you worked on fixing things in any meaningful way so the relationship kept spiralling downwards. The complete death of the relationship was her doing...her cheating. To continue to live this sham will just drag you down. Talk to a lawyer and protect your interests...she brought it to the point of no return and now she will have to take her lumps.

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Dont take the blame on yourself because you both let things get worse. She really stuffed it by going with the other guy. Get a laywer because she has put you in a corner. You shouldnt have to live like that either..

She doesnt want go ? It was alright when she was with him though?

 

If it is any consolation to you a 30k loss is not that bad if you get away from her and get your life started again. I lost 4 times as much last year in a dying property market here. I can tell you though that paying off 30 k is easier than the repayents on a whole houses interest.

 

Get a laywer...she wants the security but not the man...get legal advice man

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well its been about a month since I found out about wifes infidelity. I dealt with a lot of emotions during this time. I did a lot of soul searching and stumbled upon a website called marriage builders. I started reading the site and implementing some of the ideas the Doctor outlined there. I started to be there for my wife. I quit the games, I started talking with her more openly and fulfilling some of her emotional needs that I was not fulfilling in the past. And over the course of the last 4 weeks or so she began to notice the changes in me. She broke off her relationship with the other male. She told me that she loved me and wanted to try and salvage the marriage.

 

We had a couple of great weekends together. A couple of weeks ago I took her to dinner and then dancing. We danced so close together it felt so great. And now I see what I have been missing and why she was so unhappy. Last weekend we had an ice cream social at my 4yr old school and had a blast together watching our kids play and dance. That Saturday we watched a movie together being close to each other. It really feels like a new life. I still feel betrayed but im slowly getting over this. In fact, in a way, I think this might of been the best thing to happen to us, because I feel closer to her now than I had in 4-5 yrs. She feels the same way. She tells me how wonderful I am now and what positive changes I have made. We talk so much now the talks that were all but absent from our marriage for years. She too, even without knowing any of the principles of the marriage builders website, began to fulfill some of my emotional needs that she did not before.

 

This past Sunday, Mar 1st, we watched TV and went to bed after a long day of cleaning around the house. She told me that she wanted to be intimate with me and this lead to some of the most exciting and hot sex we had in years. Like I said I feel closer to her now more than ever. Last night, same thing. I gave her a long massage and we made love again. It sort of feels like a new relationship. Like I felt when we were dating.

 

I strongly urge people to go to marriage builders and read up on some of that stuff if you have marriage problems. It really made sense to me why she felt like she felt and why I felt like I felt. The key is to find love for each other again. The rest like communication, sex, etc.. comes naturally.

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  • 1 month later...

Well its been another month since I found out about the affair. Things are getting easier now. The wife is truly devoted to me now and I am devoted to her as well. We are doing well in our recovery and I feel as though our love for each other has not been stronger. She did contact the OM one more time since my last post. But she told me about it right away and she said that she was just having a hard time dealing with it. I supported her but also told her that she has to let him go because every time she speaks to him it starts the whole withdrawal process over again. So its been about a month since she spoke to him last.

 

We still continue to go out and spend all of our nights together. I enjoy this now and really think what a fool I was for not doing this with my wife before for so many years. She is really starting to come around now and tells me how she loves me, how she is once again attracted to me and feels remorseful for what she did. Our sex life has not been better since we were dating. We are intimate 3-4 times a week now and its truly satisfying to the both of us.

 

Things can work out if you put the effort in. I thought it was finished at the beginning but now I see how little changes, little effort and letting go of your ego can go a long way to salvaging a marriage.

 

I will update some more at a later date....

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