BCC123 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks for opening. Here is some background. Me and my ex were together for 3 years, he broke up with me last march, nothing messy. It was because we were both young and he began to felt like he wasnt independent or his own person, we were together every single day and he wanted to be alone ... etc etc. No contact for a little over a month, one day we ran into each other and started LC all summer. Towards the end of summer we were getting closer and closer and was hanging out everyday, still having sex, still acting like we were dating but not. Then he would distant himself and then would come back, over and over. Recently for the past 2 months, we have been hanging out 5 or 6 times a week, going to the movies all while he holds my hand and acts like were dating. We still have sex(i know, i know) amd i even tell him out in the open "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free" and he never says anything serious. But we are open about us not dating and we always talk about it openly. He always says I love you, Your beautiful, your sexy, and talks to me and says things and does things that he did when we were dating. He has always said that we will get back together but I dont know if this is progress or if this is him just spending time with me because he has nothing else to do and because he gets some. Im worried that this isnt progress and this is just getting my hopes up but I dont want to say that to him because im worried it will scare him off. I dont know what to do right now, I feel like Im doing all the wrong things. I know every situation is different but does this look like progress? I mean, I dont know why else we would be hanging out all the time like this and him saying the things he does unless hes really really mean and trying to lead me on. He always initiates us hanging out.
servedcold Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 It's not progress until he says or does something definitive. Sounds like you are making yourself too available for him, he gets all the benefits of a relationship with none of the restrictions. Not fair to you, and if and when things change, it will be just like breaking up again. It's also preventing you from healing and being open and available for other options with men who will be more assertive about their feelings for you and a future. Best wishes.
Adge Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Wow. What a difficult situation to be in! Are you sure you want to progress like this without really knowing if there is a future? Maybe you should bite the bullet and just ask him straight out when you're both in a good place and having fun? If he says he doesn't want anything more than what is already happening I would suggest you move on. I bet you anything he panics! It's up to you, but clearly you want more than you are getting and it's best to confront your demons sooner rather than later. Just my opinion. See what others have to say...
pace of ace Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Ive gone through something very similar, and let me tell you all it does it prevent healing. I have no doubt from your post your ex cares for you and still harbours feelings for you, but as i'm sure you're aware, he doesn't need to act upon anything as you're always around and available and clearly willing to get back at the drop of a hat. I've been that person you're being now and let me tell you, it wont make him want you back, simply 'cos right now he still has you. He hasn't lost anything right now so doesn't need to move in any direction. Especially as you're still giving him sex too. He has it all you know. If you want him back, which you clearly do, take this from someone who has been in your shoes for most of the past year and stop doing what you are doing. It wont make him get back in a relationship with you. Maybe it's worth asking him what his intentions are?
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 He has always said that we will get back together He says this but that is to keep you sweet so that he can continue to hang out with you, have sex with you and not be committed to you in any way. If he really meant getting back together he would say "let's get back together" he wouldn't just make an airy fairy promise for some time in the hazy future while still hanging out with you and having sex with you. What you have is a Friends with Benefits setup.
lauramed Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I have to agree with everyone. I've been where you are right now. For 6 months after the break up I allowed him to contact me and hang around with me. I was also afraid of telling him how I felt and asking where it was going to lead. Now, we're in no contact and I have to tell you that it hurts worse the second time around. I know that every situation is different and only you know your ex, but you also need to watch out for you. I wish I had talked to him because I know that even if it had hurt back then, it's far worse now and the healing is taking much longer.
BCC123 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 thank you everyone, this is all very helpful. i guess im a wishful thinker, along with also wanting to be with him again very badly. he keeps telling me to wait till hes done with school so that keeps me going ... hoping that when hes done he'll want to be with me again. sunday night we were together and i told him about how my friend is giving me advice on how to get him back. and i openly told my ex that im not playing any games to get him back like ignoring his texts or calls or trying to make him jealous etc etc. and he said that i dont need to play games to get him back and that hed be stupid not to come back to me and want to be with he. i told him that my friend who is in a similar situation asked me if i see myself in 5 years either married to him or best friends and i told my ex that i said married .... he told me he tells his friends that he still loves me and were best friends. we both have discussed how were one in a million with how close we are and he agreed that he wouldnt be able to do 90% of the things he does and says to me or acts in front of me with anyone else. i always joke to him about how he tries to be with other girls but he always keeps coming back .. lol i tell him everytime he gets with someone new it makes him want me more because no one can compare haha. he agrees everytime. ive said that im terrified that my next boyfriend or husband and me wont have nearly as good of sex as me and my ex has and he always just tells me that it wont ever be and he feels the same point is, is that were very very close and open about everything. im thinking ill just openly ask what his intentions are and where he sees this in a year or something like that? over the summer ive tried so hard to tell him i cant be friends because it only hurts me and i try to cut it off but he is king of excuses and makes me feel really bad for trying to get rid of a great friendship that we had. so so many times i have tried to tell him i was over him but he sees right through it. i have tried to cut him out but he keeps coming back and i simply cannot say no. its impossible for me to say no to him, physically impossible!
lauramed Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I do understand how you're feeling. I couldn't say no to mine either. I knew what I had to do, but was too afraid of scaring him away and in the end he's gone anyways. I still have hope but have learned not to expect. I guess that's what gets me through some of the days. You two are talking so I think you need to put it out there with him. Maybe he'll surprise you and if not all I can say is it's better to know now then to keep hanging on. Trust me when I say that the pain months down the road is almost unbearable.
justletgo07 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 In my experience, if a situation feels so frail and fragile that merely talking about it could make it disappear...it probably is. I know you are tormenting yourself by walking on eggshells and trying not to do anything to rock the boat. I guess what I'm curious about is, why? What about him makes it so worth it? Or is it more about your fear than about him? If he is manipulating you with guilt, and not giving you what you need to be happy in a relationship, why should you be giving him what he wants? If you give people exactly what they want in hopes that they'll appreciate you and eventually give you what you want, you'll probably never get it. You're giving at your own expense, and the only one who is benefiting is him. I think it's time to look out for you. Try to think about it this way: Which situation will feel worse for you, you breaking things off with him, or him with you? I think you already know the answer. Don't be the one that gets hurt here...
.thumb.jpeg.b5579b6b06637cc0e4e460d62254ebb1.jpeg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.