Socialy ignorant, easyly intimidated person.

[Catarro]

Hi people that make this forum so great!

Well to put it short il start off by saying i simply cant learn from social interactions.

I have very low self confidence (and beat myself constantly down), and get intimidated by every social interaction. I am that kind of guy that gets nervous just for thinking of walking into a coffee shot and asking a person for a glass of water.

Cant look people in the eyes while talking, and have the habit of looking away. This gives the ideia that i am arrogant and superior, and some people (specially woman) see through it and notice its lack of confidence. I just don't behave like i should and don't notice til after it, or until someone points it out.

 

I was also very thin but always had "good bones" (genetics) for working out. I devoted myself to my workouts since i tough it would make me feel better. Didn't miss a meal (9 per day), it was religion to me. Went from 60 kg (metric system, sorry) to 95. Didn't eat a french frie in 2 years (when i put my mind in to something i wont let go until its done).

I'm not as in shape as i was a couple of months ago (to much work) but when i did, i looked amazing. I was bloody ripped, very proportional, huge and defined back, pecks, arms, everything. Looked like a cover model of those fitness magazines (that's what i think now, but back then it was never enough lol).

The thing is, despite all that, i still felt intimidated, still socially boring, ignorant and unsuccessful. I even feel more exposed now then yesteryear since more people look at me.

When going to a place full of people (i.e club), i just feel inferior to everyone else and not worthy of being there.

Also, i overcompensate being intimidated by acting like an arrogant infantile kid, and i didn't even notice it until some good friends started pointing it out.

If the problem was affecting only my social/romantic life, i wouldn't be so worried but it's starting to affect my work life. I recently acquired a high responsibility position (that is meant to rise to a whole new level of responsibility in a couple of years) and the lack of social skills and nervousness just by speaking to people are ruining everything.

I say things without thinking of the consequences and without meaning them. I am very humble and unsure of myself but everyone thinks i am stuck up "think that knows everything" kinda guy.

 

I am a little kid with a learning disability regarding social interactions.

 

Sorry for the vent, but i did in the hope of learning something from users with the same problems. Thanks for your patience.

[Ammy]

Hey !! Welcome to ENA!

 

It sounds like you have a case of Social Anxiety. Have you ever had a look at any of the Cognitive Behavioural techniques to overcome shyness and social phobia / anxiety?'

 

What sorts of things are you saying when at work that you feel make you come accross as arrogant?

 

Anyway welcome and I hope we can all help!

 

Ammy

[Catarro]

Thank you Ammy.

 

For the first question, i haven't heard about them, but social anxiety sounds just right for fitting what i feel like while undergoing social activities. Can you point me in the right direction on finding more about the subject?

 

Regarding the second one, its fairly complicated to pinpoint what i exactly do since im not even aware of it most of the time, but the overall reaction of people is thinking i am cocky and arrogant (which is my fault for subconsciously "overcompensating"). Only people that actually do know my true self see past this.

 

I believe its when talking to people, i kinda freak out inside, everything just goes so fast and i feel i don't have the time to think everything trough and just spit them out of my mouth. That and my posture, i look away when talking, i have a stupid arrogant smile, i also have a very smart and "educated" speech ( my native language isn't English) which i find it not being common in my age group.

My childish naive posture and actions always got me into trouble in university and internships were social interaction is required. But along with this, people think (wrongly) that i have an IQ of 180 which, in a way, bails me from the wreck of my childish, thoughtless words.

Don't get me wrong, these childish and thoughtless actions are small in proportion, but they pile up until one of them gets me screwed.

 

Let me try to give you a small example, lets say i got a B at some sbuject, the professor comes to me and says with a smile "you could have done better", the social anxiety thing starts, and i will answer with a jokingly "OBVIOUSLY!!!" along with a stuck up face-smile-gesture. These things pile up and build an image of me that has nothing to do with the real me, drives lots of people away (woman, possible friends etc.). And my shy personality cant afford this loss or il probably end up alone and living out of the welfare line.

 

Ive come to the conclusion i have to shut up (lol) and make every word count, but its damn hard when everything goes roller-coaster-fast when talking to people.

[Ammy]

Thank you Ammy.

 

For the first question, i haven't heard about them, but social anxiety sounds just right for fitting what i feel like while undergoing social activities. Can you point me in the right direction on finding more about the subject?

 

 

I think the book is called "Overcoming Shyness" by Ron Rapee. But if you did a general google search of "Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) and shyness / social anxiety" you'd find some interesting info.

 

Thank you Ammy.

 

Regarding the second one, its fairly complicated to pinpoint what i exactly do since im not even aware of it most of the time, but the overall reaction of people is thinking i am cocky and arrogant (which is my fault for subconsciously "overcompensating"). Only people that actually do know my true self see past this.

 

I believe its when talking to people, i kinda freak out inside, everything just goes so fast and i feel i don't have the time to think everything trough and just spit them out of my mouth. That and my posture, i look away when talking, i have a stupid arrogant smile, i also have a very smart and "educated" speech ( my native language isn't English) which i find it not being common in my age group.

My childish naive posture and actions always got me into trouble in university and internships were social interaction is required. But along with this, people think (wrongly) that i have an IQ of 180 which, in a way, bails me from the wreck of my childish, thoughtless words.

Don't get me wrong, these childish and thoughtless actions are small in proportion, but they pile up until one of them gets me screwed.

 

Let me try to give you a small example, lets say i got a B at some sbuject, the professor comes to me and says with a smile "you could have done better", the social anxiety thing starts, and i will answer with a jokingly "OBVIOUSLY!!!" along with a stuck up face-smile-gesture. These things pile up and build an image of me that has nothing to do with the real me, drives lots of people away (woman, possible friends etc.). And my shy personality cant afford this loss or il probably end up alone and living out of the welfare line.

 

Ive come to the conclusion i have to shut up (lol) and make every word count, but its damn hard when everything goes roller-coaster-fast when talking to people.

 

I doubt you have a stupid smile or childish posture - I think you're being down on yourself. The reason you're shy / anxious is because of irrational beliefs:

 

* I must be liked by everyone

* I will probably do / say something stupid

* I look like an idiot

* I must say something now or people will think I'm stupid

 

etc...

 

Now not only are these beliefs untrue, but they can be self-fulfilling to some extent, because you are so stuck in your head and your negative beliefs you are unable to interact naturally and then as a result people may well perceive you as arrogant etc. and you are not going to enjoy the social interaction and will continue to avoid these situations and / or feel very anxious in them.

 

What you need to do is start challenging these beliefs... Not any easy feat but doable. There are 2 major ways to do so:

 

1. Identify and challenge the irrational thoughts. Ie. "I look stupid" - well who said that, did anyone ever say it, is there anything reallty different to you from other people?

 

2. Expose yourself to the things you fear. Eg. Go and talk to random people on the street and realise nothing bad happens if you do - yeah some people might just think - that was random, but no one will really care or judge you so badly, and even if they do what does it matter?

 

Sorry that was a bit of an average explanation of it - better to do some readings - the people who write books / academics etc can offer more sophisticated information I am sure!

 

Overall though I think you need to challenge yourself to get out of your head - ie stop worrying about what ur saying, thinking about what people think of you etc in a social interaction - and instead engage in the conversation and answer if and when you feel you have something you want to say - don't feel the pressure to talk continuously when in a social interaction. And my advice - when all else fails and you don't know what to say ask the other person about themselves - this a) savees you from having to do too much of the talking until you feel comfortable, b) makes the other person feel good to be able to talk about themselves (we all love talking about ourselves), c) will give you an idea of common ground to talk about - so you can discuss things you know about and feel comfortable talking about!

 

 

Ammy

[CaseOfInsanity]

Let me try to give you a small example, lets say i got a B at some sbuject, the professor comes to me and says with a smile "you could have done better", the social anxiety thing starts, and i will answer with a jokingly "OBVIOUSLY!!!" along with a stuck up face-smile-gesture. These things pile up and build an image of me that has nothing to do with the real me, drives lots of people away (woman, possible friends etc.). And my shy personality cant afford this loss or il probably end up alone.

 

Ive come to the conclusion i have to shut up (lol) and make every word cont, but its damn hard when everything goes roller-coaster-fast when talking to people.

 

Wow, you sound almost exactly like me. I noticed that I sometimes act kind of arrogant in a way as you have described and have most of the problems that you have listed. And I've also been working out so I can feel better about myself.

 

I wonder how long it took you from 60kg to 95kg, that's a great stuff you have done!

 

Anyway, few days ago I had this friend talking to me about how I have set backs in life and that I should get through it with trying to do somethings. It was nice to have someone who knew what it was like to be in my shoes and got through it tell me some stuff.

 

He told me that I should make some efforts to try to be out there and start with small conversations to meet new people and that it's just too easy to stay in front of computer and not deal social situations face to face. He said after all, the insecurities and low self esteem might get you down and you might not feel really like going out and talking to new people. But then you make yourself more isolated and you get what you don't want (loneliness) by not doing what you don't want to do.

 

I just felt like saying this as it might help you reorganize your thoughts (and mine).

 

By the way, I felt that a book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie was useful and you might want to try it. I was kind of amused at how popular people I know who probably haven't even heard of the book use the stuff from it.

 

Oh and my friend also told me that being fluent in social interactions takes time.

[Catarro]

No, no Ammy, that was good. Thank you.

Despite what you said, and i know you are right about putting myself down with probably no reason, i do think i have a childish posture. Well, i haven't seen myself from a third person view acting like that, but far to many people have said so to not being true. Even my LTR ex said that sometimes.

This anxiety and lack of social knowledge probably contributes to this apparent lack of maturity, don't know... I was never a spoiled child or anything but i was overprotected.

I also grew up quite apart from the average boy. I studied music almost since birth, when in my teens i had almost nothing in common with other people. I loved classical music and despised whatever they listened to those days, i filled my eyes whit BBC documentaries, locked myself in museums etc. Avoided all type of social interactions. And now while waking up to society, i feel terrible and sound awkward, i don't have the skills, don't know how to behave nor talk.

Maybe its like human language? If you don't learn it to a certain age, then you'll never do.

 

 

CaseOfInsanity, not trying to sound bad or anything, but feels comforting not being alone lol.

Regarding the weight thing, it took me two years to go from 60 to 85. Stayed on 85/87 for probably another year, then i don't know the hell happened i went in a couple of months to 95 (my mother must have put steroids on my oatmeal lol).

In a nutshell i do have a very very strict diet with meals not that spaced throughout the day. Only starch carbs (loads of them) + 250 g of protein daily. The training is very intense and only 3 times a week.

Well gym helped me rule out the "i look bad" from my destructive thoughts, but didn't help that much regarding social life. In fact, when people see you look good and behave like how i do, they don't think twice in putting you on the "arrogant jerk" shelve (and they should, i would probably think the same thing).

But never quit the gym, i think its a great thing that you are doing, but remember it takes time. I don't get people asking me "why do you workout? Why bother?", its kinda of a lifestyle once you really get involved in it.

 

EDIT: My mistake, it took me 2 years to get to 85. Did the math wrong.

[Ramm Zwei]

Don't sweat it, Catarro. There is nothing wrong with trying to avoid human interaction. Once you see humanity as the seething mass of hypocrisy and base level idiocy that it is, you will want to stay well away from it. It is the misfortune of people like you and I to be born human. It makes you envy machines and animals.