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In Love With Best Friend's GF


newtemp
I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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This is really doing me over

I'm incredibly close to the guy and his gf. She turns to me for everything - advice, venting, someone to cry to etc.. the last few days we've opened up to each other a lot, and I think that's where I went from thinking of her as a sister to someone that my heart literally aches for

 

He treats her like * * * * , she knows it, but can't bring herself to leave. It also makes me feel like throwing up when I think of them being.. together.

 

Obviously telling her is out the question, I couldn't ruin what we have (came VERY close to spilling recently and things got weird. Thought I had gone to far, but she said she liked it.. talk about confusing). Don't want to lose the friendship between myself and the guy either, so I'm figuring I have to try to still be there for them both and hide my feelings..

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It's a bad idea to make a move on a girl when she's feeling vulnerable and confused. Because even if you succeed at first, she will later convince herself that if she was vulnerable and confused, it must have been a mistake. I think it would be a wise idea for you to distance yourself from both of them ASAP b/c I think you're sounding a little confused yourself. Her coming to you for emotional support is powerfully addicting, but don't confuse it for love. You can NOT be her knight in shining armor until she's strong enough to leave the drama she's currently in with her BF (*your friend*).

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Zeitgeist - I would never ever take advantage of someone in a position like that And I agree with you thinking I'm confused.. it's why I posted really. But I don't think I can distance myself from either of them as our lives have overlapped for so many years, there's no real way to distance myself unless I literally ignored both of them - which is what I want to avoid! I'd rather just suffer through it and hope that they end up being happy

 

orangesoda - Is love a behaviour, or are you talking about myself and the girl being close? "She's not worth it" is so frustrating to read because I want to deny it, but at the same time I know it's true.. and I hate that it is!

 

The way I figure it, I need to hold back any feelings I have to ensure that there's no friction with any of the relationships present. Is this not ideal? I always put their happiness and well-being ahead of mine, which is why I've never attempted to get between them in the past, or even now.. no matter how much I want to

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You need to go further than 'hiding' your feelings. What you are feeling is a strong attraction to someone, but you need to remind yourself that this attraction is not going anywhere, that she isn't available to you, that if she broke up with her boyfriend, she might as well just go off with someone else while thinking of you only as her 'buddy' or baggage connected to her ex. Many times someone will cry on someone else's shoulder, but that is no indication that she has any feelings for you or ever would.

 

So spending time mopping up her tears is just a waste of time for you and will cause you more pain if you continue to indulge your crush on her.

 

What you need to do is quit being her shoulder to cry on. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable to be in that position because she is talking about your best friend and so her running to you isn't appropriate (which it isn't). She could be using you, hoping you will go to the friend and convince him to treat her better. And she must want him a lot if she puts up with him and says she won't leave, so she wants him and not you.

 

So step back and spend less time with her and him as a couple, and more time getting to know other available women you can date. Just take yourself out of that drama, and start dating women who are interested in you for you, not as a shoulder to cry on.

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As an aside, if your friend treats her like ****, what type of person is he and you may want to look closely at your relationship with him.

 

I never seem to get it when people complain about others behavior/personalities, but then say, "and he's my best friend."

 

Not directing this just towards the OP, but people in general. I seem to have friends that have the same values and morals as I. Maybe a topic for a separate thread....

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I don't mean to offend, but I suspect you're more 'in lust' with her than 'in love' with her. How much can you really know her if all the time you actually spend with her involves being a shoulder to cry on, and an ear for her complaints about her man? You haven't actually dated her and gotten to know her negative qualities (although you do know of one of them which should be a huge red flag - when she doesn't get the attention she expects from her man, she doesn't mind crossing boundaries to seek male attention elsewhere). Think about that, and see if you'd like to be in your friend's shoes when that happens.

 

Bestrong is right, stop being the steretypical 'nice guy', that gets used as an emotional tampon, then discarded when no longer needed.

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well, you know you are swimming in dangerous waters by continuing to see a lot of her if you are getting feelings for her you can never act on, and she may not want you to act on (and your best friend certainly doesn't want you to act on).

 

So i'd just cut back and minimize contact with her. Only start seeing her when you are on double dates with them as a couple, and you have your own date to pay attention to rather than her. And don't see her alone, and if she starts up criticizing her boyfriend or whining, then immediately change the subject or tell her you've got to go. You don't want to have intimate conversations that are not appropriate and really are disloyal to your best friend. She needs to have girlfriends to chat about that with, not you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Figured I'd update this

After a series of events, she and I chatted all night until something like 8 o'clock in the morning. I told her how I feel, and she said she feels the same, and has for a long time - both agreed how great it was just to be sharing this with each other, but she did say that "nothing can happen"

 

Ok cool. We had some huge meaningful talks the days following, and it was all pretty peachy. However, she sent me some txts while she was out which talked about how much she loved me, how she wanted me to be there with her, etc. She'd also mention "wanting you instead of my bf" and so on. I feel the same way about her, but things have broken down a bit

 

Because she's said those things, I've become confused. I lay that out to her, she apologises, and reiterates that nothing can ever happen. The reasons she gives are flimsy at best, and so I really don't know what to do. She's since turned (and she said this) to being a "cold-hearted b*tch" and trying to make me hate her so we don't have to hurt ourselves or anyone else

 

I know the situation is already screwed due to her boyfriend etc, but am I wrong in not wanting to just ignore everything we've said to each other and how we truly feel? She is really working hard to make me hate her, and I can tell she doesn't want to.. so messed up

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As I have aged, I have realized that this situation is not one you want to put yourself in no matter the circumstances. No matter how much you like the girl or how much she likes you, it is just really tough to deal with this situation. Its hard enough when you like a girl who has a boyfriend, but its even worse when that boyfriend is your friend.

 

One reason you likely have feelings for her is because she opened up to you. When we share our vulnerabilities with another person, we get attached. I say this to make you believe that there is probably another girl out there who will be there for you and let you be there for her. People love to connect with each other, and I am certain there is another girl who you can form a bond with.

 

Given that love happens more than once in life, I say cut everything with this girl. Not only is the situation going to leave you lonely for someone to share love with, you are disrespecting your friend to a large degree. If I found out that my boys were doing this behind my back I would never talk to them again. I dont mean to say anything cruel here, I just want to let you know that it is a serious violation of trust.

 

In the end, ease off on this girl. She should understand. Keep talking to other women, and one will likely want to share some love with you.

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As an aside, if your friend treats her like ****, what type of person is he and you may want to look closely at your relationship with him.

 

I never seem to get it when people complain about others behavior/personalities, but then say, "and he's my best friend."

 

Not directing this just towards the OP, but people in general. I seem to have friends that have the same values and morals as I. Maybe a topic for a separate thread....

 

Very well said there Erik. I too have come to this conclusion that "most" people that are friends with each other hold the same morals/behaviour, otherwise why would you hang around with them if you don't like the way they treat people? No offence to the OP by the way, just something I observed myself over a period of time relating to two ex-partners.

 

Yeh it is a bit inappropriate really for her to cry on your shoulder, but alas, its something that does happen. Maybe she just likes the attention from you as she is feeling unloved and is kind of enjoying your "care".

 

Very difficult though and I know you are hurting, I would have a word with her and tell her that you need to distance yourselves as it's making you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to necessarily ignore them, just come to the conclusion that is really is inappropriate to be her shoulder to cry on any longer.

 

Its a bit disloyal to your friend really to discuss these things with her behind his back, no matter how much you disagree with the way he's treating her, ie. I have had this situation a few times where I have been 'offered' male shoulders to cry on because of lovers etc. but I would never go there as its inappropriate and I wouldnt expect any of my friends to do that to me either. In fact, I would go mental if I found out my friends were talking with my boyfriend about the way I was treating him.

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Very well said there Erik. I too have come to this conclusion that "most" people that are friends with each other hold the same morals/behaviour, otherwise why would you hang around with them if you don't like the way they treat people? No offence to the OP by the way, just something I observed myself over a period of time relating to two ex-partners.

Oh I agree completely. His behaviour has weighed on me a lot, and it's not just towards his gf but to everything in life - people, events, his opinions, and so on. I try to be at peace with the fact that basically every other friend is a a great person, so it off-sets him. Haha

 

I can understand regarding it being inappropriate for the girl to have turned to me. But in her defence, she is pretty much alone in this country (all her family and friends are in her home country), and so where else could she turn?

 

As much as I want to sort of.. deny that talking behind his back is bad, I can't. I know it's bad

 

 

I appreciate everyone's replies! I do read them all and attempt to understand them

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bro I have a feeling that she is letting you down gently.... that's my best guess. think about it - if a girl loves you she would be with you, not with some one else. what's up with "i love you but nothing can ever happen"??? a girl has to want you, not simply like you or love you. you can like something and not want it... but if you want something then that means you like it so much that you have to have it. there is no use in a girl saying "i love you but i will not be with you. my bf treats me like sh*t but i am gonna be with him anyway". that's actually a slap in the face.

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Yeah that part is a bit tricky. They've been together for something like 7-8 years. She's never had a boyfriend other than him, so is scared to walk out etc. She has no stable job, and their relationship offers a place over her head (thanks to the guy's parents). She's also worried about their families, seeing as a few of the family members etc are friends now, and she's also in a country where she has no friends/family (a few friends, but no one close.. mainly due to the boyfriend controlling her)

 

I'm thinking I'll just give it some time. I'm not holding up my life waiting for her, but it's apparent how we both feel.. and I'm not going to push them to break up or any of that sort

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